Chasing Charlie

by Linda McLaughlan

  ‘Ooooh! Here comes the food, girls, put your phones away!’ Mum shook her hands and the waiter looked worried for a moment. I think he may have thought she was about to break into song or, worse, dance.

  ‘Delicious! Girls, doesn’t it smell amazing?’

  She was right. Tantalising dishes smelling of garlic, mint and warm spices were placed on the table, and I quite happily dropped my phone into my bag. My mouth was watering. I piled my plate up high with a bit of everything and dug in.

  After a bit, Mum turned her attention to me. ‘How’s Mara?’ she asked.

  I nodded, not wanting to let any of the bulgar wheat escape. It was too good! How come I can never get it to turn out like this? I thought. I could never get bulgar to do anything but sit in a wet cardboardy lump.

  ‘How’s her job at the library?’ Mum was insisting. She had heard all about Rebecca’s life – now it was my turn. This was what Mum called fair. Personally I called it annoying.

  ‘Good, I think.’ Dammit, some of the out-of-this-world salad escaped into my lap – a double waste, as I wasn’t actually sure if that answer had been correct. I realised, as I tried unsuccessfully to rescue the tiny grains from beneath my crotch, that I actually hadn’t asked Mara about work for a long time. She could be having a really crap time and I wouldn’t know. God, I could be a shit friend sometimes.

  ‘And is Ed still staying?’

  ‘Yes but he’s off up to Scotland for some work a week on Monday.’

  ‘Is he well?’

  I shovelled another forkful in and nodded at Mum. Of course the parents loved Ed; after all, being Mara’s twin was all the credentials he needed. In fact sometimes I did wonder if Mara and I were ever to stop being friends which of us my parents would rather keep.

  ‘He’s very dry, isn’t he?’ Rebecca chipped in. ‘As in, his sense of humour.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  Mum looked at Rebecca. I could see by her expression that she was surprised Rebecca even had an opinion about him. I groaned inwardly. Next thing would be Mum getting her hopes up that Rebecca and I were actually spending time together and enjoying it. But I wasn’t expecting what came next.

  ‘I went out with him the other week,’ Rebecca explained, glancing across to make sure I was listening.

  ‘You what?’ Then I twigged – the party.

  ‘He’s a clever guy,’ she said, as if that was a surprise.

  ‘Of course he’s clever,’ I snorted. ‘Mara’s smart!’

  ‘Yes, she is smart, but Ed, he’s very social, isn’t he?’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘Well, he’s very charming, very amusing. Easy to be around.’

  ‘So is Mara.’

  ‘If you’re her friend, perhaps,’ Rebecca said, after a small pause.

  I glared at her. I knew how awkward Mara could be socially but I was the only one who was allowed to point that out.

  ‘Well, it’s nice you’re getting to know him. Maybe it’ll take your mind off things, darling,’ Mum said brightly.

  Rebecca put her head on her side and looked at her plate, arranged so carefully with careful little heaps of food. It was her cute-coy look. My least favourite. I moved my head around to look at Mum instead before I reached out and wiped that stupid look off Rebecca’s face. Mum smiled.

  ‘How about you, darling? Have you seen Charlie again?’

  I wished I didn’t blush so easily.

  ‘He’s been really busy . . . and so have I,’ I stammered.

  ‘Right . . .’ Mum said, waiting for more.

  I didn’t have to look to know my stuttering would be giving Rebecca huge satisfaction. But I honestly didn’t know what to say. I wanted the conversation to move along but all I could do was worry the skin on the sides of my nails. But then I also couldn’t let an opportunity to surprise Rebecca pass.

  ‘I haven’t seen him much but we’ll catch up next weekend. I’m going to his birthday party,’ I said in the most nonchalant tone I could muster. As if it was, in fact, an afterthought, something I’d only just remembered then – not something filling my whole fucking being every fucking second of every fucking day.

  ‘That’s lovely!’ Mum said.

  Rebecca looked confused, almost agitated.

  ‘But I told you he’s got a girlfriend!’ she squeaked.

  ‘I didn’t invite myself. He asked me. Anyway, what’s wrong with me going? I’m just an old friend he bumped into – what exactly is the problem with that?’

  ‘The problem is you’re his ex-girlfriend!’

  I held my hands up. ‘Settle down, petal. What the hell is your problem?’

  ‘Girls, girls, please!’ Mum hissed at us, flapping her hands around in the air between us, as if trying to disperse smoke.

  Rebecca glared at me for a moment more and then I could see her reining herself in. Back, back, back she retreated, her emotions back in their metal box, her mouth a thin line.

  ‘I don’t have a problem,’ she said icily, ‘but I doubt Lucy will appreciate it.’

  I gazed at the hubbly-bubbly pipe masterpiece on the wall so she wouldn’t see how much I had thought about this. ‘Well, either Charlie doesn’t think it’s an issue or, if you’re right and Lucy will care that his ex is there, he obviously doesn’t think much of her.’

  ‘He doesn’t care for her much,’ Rebecca said quickly. My head whipped away from the picture. I just caught the regret in her face before she tried covering it up with some story about how he’d let her down recently but then made it up to her . . . blah blah . . . but I wasn’t listening. I’d heard all I needed to hear. Inside I was beaming. In fact, I was so pleased I could have almost kissed Rebecca. Almost, but not quite.

  Mum had to leave early, as there was a limited service on the trains to Petersfield that night, so everyone was spared any more awkward conversations about Charlie. The bill came and both Rebecca and myself insisted on splitting it three ways, both vying to prove to Mum who was more grown up. But the waiter came back with my card, a look of apology on his face, and my heart sank. Oh crap.

  In a flash, Rebecca was pressing a note into his hand and shooing him away.

  ‘No, no, I’ll get it,’ Mum objected, fumbling for her purse. But it was too late. The waiter inclined his head in thanks and disappeared with the money. He knew better than to argue with a woman like Rebecca. She looked stronger than most of the men he’d done his military service with and he couldn’t get away from her fast enough.

  I couldn’t get away fast enough either. I said my goodbyes and walked briskly to the Tube, trying to shake off the smarting shame I felt with Rebecca covering me. Now I owed money to her on top of Claudia, Mara, and God knows how much to Mum and Dad. Claudia insisted I needn’t pay her back but I could sense Mara was getting tense about the money I owed at the flat. I’d been short on my rent the previous month and had forgotten to contribute to food for the past couple of weeks. Damn money, I hated it. I felt ashamed and disorganised and weak. It was always such a mystery – I’m paid a chunk of money, not bad money either, for every job I do, and every time I think brilliant! Now I’ve got loads of cash, I’ll be able to this and that with it. But then it goes. All of it and then some, and I’m in the bloody red again. Again and again and again.

  I ran up and down every step at every Tube station, to try to burn the shame and anger away, finishing with a jog down Harvist Road. The house was silent when I crept in. The doors to the sitting room and Mara’s bedroom were closed. On the kitchen table I found a note from Mara.

  Sam –

  Some bills have come in, and I did some sums tonight –

  Food £66.50 (last couple of weeks)

  Electricity/Gas £58 each

  Thanks,

  M x

  Bloody brilliant.

  28

  SAM

  I flicked through Mara’s newspaper, occasionally glancing at the clock as I waited for the buzzer to the street door. I was having trouble focussing
on the words. I needed a coffee for them to start stringing together into something that made sense but I’d have to wait for Ed for that. I hadn’t made a single cup for myself since he’d arrived home – his were too good.

  I was waiting for Kate. She’d called that morning and Mara had said yes, she was sure that Sam could have the kids and, if not, Ed would be able to. Just bring them around.

  ‘Thanks for offering my babysitting services without consulting me!’ I’d grumped at her before she’d left for work. I’d instantly regretted it though. Of course I’d be happy to have the kids. We all did what we could to support Kate since Martin had left her. Out of Mara’s family, Kate was the one that everyone – not just Mara – felt a little protective of and went out of their way to help. She was so nice, and her kids were such fun anyway. It never felt like you were doing them a favour. Seeing them always cheered me up. They didn’t give a rat’s bum what I looked like, or what I said or didn’t say. I didn’t have to be anyone but myself around them. The buzzer blurted across my thoughts. I crossed the kitchen and pressed the talk button.

  ‘Hi, it’s me, sorry.’

  It was Kate. I could hear Rosie whining in the background.

  ‘Don’t apologise, come on up.’

  I went down the hall to the front door and after a few moments I could see the outline of Kate and two small heads. Even through the door I could hear her trying to control Luke and Rosie, asking them to calm down before entering the flat. The sitting-room door was closed; Ed must still be asleep. Not for much longer, I thought. I smiled at them as I opened the door.

  ‘Hi, guys, come in!’ Nice and loud, that’ll do it.

  ‘Now, don’t forget, we’re playing quiet little mice.’ Kate walked through the door and crossed her eyes at me. ‘Thank you so much for this, you’re a lifesaver.’

  ‘No problem, it’s my pleasure.’ And it was. Kate knelt down to give each kid a squeeze, her thick dark hair wrapping around each child’s head and obscuring their mussy blonde tops. Why do the Minkleys have such amazing hair? I thought for the millionth time. The girl could pass as Kate Middleton. So friggin’ beautiful it was almost painful to look at her. And she was a genuinely lovely person. I shook my head.

  ‘Come on, monsters, let’s go down to the kitchen. Mummy, you push off,’ I said, holding the door open for her. ‘Go on, you. We’ll be just fine.’ Kate hovered for a moment, looking uncertainly at me in a way that just made me want to hug her. So sweet and earnest, her worries and pleasures passing across her fairy-fine features like the weather. I bent down and scooped Rosie up before she started grizzling and pretended to eat her pudgy little arm.

  ‘Thanks, Sam. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘Go on, you’ll be late!’

  Kate went to leave, and then turned and smiled. ‘You’re a real natural with kids, did you know that? You’ll make a great mother one day.’

  I snorted. That was the silliest thing I’d heard all week. A mum? I was barely an adult.

  Kate left and I put Rosie down to roar down the hall, no doubt to see what there was to eat in the kitchen, with Luke right behind her. For a moment I thought they were heading straight for the fridge (maybe letting them drink milk straight out of the container last time I looked after them wasn’t so hilarious after all), but instead Rosie surprised George, who had chosen the wrong moment to settle down for a nap on Mara’s chair.

  ‘Cat, cat!’ Rosie reached out her hand to pat him.

  ‘Hold up, Rosie.’ I knelt down beside her. ‘I’m not sure if George feels like cuddles. Just look, no touching.’ Rosie’s chin wobbled a little and her mouth turned down while she tried to decide if she would get upset about this. I took her hand.

  ‘Look. Let’s do it really slowly.’ I guided Rosie’s hand onto George’s back. Her chubby fingers disappeared into his coat.

  ‘It’s all right, George, it’s only Rosie,’ I said to him, my voice soft and my gaze stern. He looked at me briefly and then graciously lowered his eyelids in pleasure, his head retracting into the puff of his body. Rosie was entranced and I felt my heart melt. Maybe I could do this one day after all, I thought.

  Then, at the top of his voice, Luke yelled, ‘I wanna go!’ and pulled Rosie’s arm away. Rosie screamed in protest and George leapt off the chair with a wail and disappeared into the hallway.

  ‘Luke! Look what you’ve done. Say sorry to Rosie!’ OK maybe I wasn’t ready just yet.

  Luke frowned at us, his hands thrust deep into his pockets.

  ‘I was waiting for ages!’

  I had plenty to say in return but miraculously I remembered the namby-pamby counting to ten in your head that Kate talked about doing. Eventually he spat out a quiet, angry sorry, as if he was emptying his pockets and letting a little stone fall to the floor. I did wonder at that point how on earth I could have been looking forward to seeing them a minute ago. God, I really needed that coffee now.

  ‘I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you go and wake your Uncle Ed up?’ I suggested.

  That did the trick – it was as if I’d mentioned Christmas. Luke’s face lit up and he ran down the hallway with Rosie following.

  I nipped to the loo and moments later found them body slamming Ed.

  ‘Charge!’

  ‘Aaaaaahhh!’

  ‘Hey, that’s en— oomph.’

  I stood at the door grinning. My vision of enjoying one of Ed’s coffees while the children quietly drew at the table with me was perhaps, I thought, a little ambitious.

  ‘Thanks for my – umpf – wake-up call. Remind me to get some alarm clocks like these for your birthday,’ he said.

  ‘My pleasure. So, kids, who wants to come to the park?’

  Ed looked up to say something but was smothered by a flying Rosie.

  ‘Hello? I said who wants to come to the park with me?’

  The children continued to ignore me. Ed’s head was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘What if Ed came too?’ I tried. There was an almost deafening roar of approval. I covered my ears. At least I’d finally got their attention.

  Ed looked at me questioningly.

  ‘There’s coffee near the park, lazybones, come on.’

  Ed looked doubtful.

  ‘It’s quite good actually. It is!’

  ‘All right, all right. You kids get out and let me get dressed,’ he said.

  ‘We’ll meet you outside,’ I said, suddenly aware that I had no idea what he had on underneath the duvet.

  I took the shirt Rosie was holding out to Ed from her hand. I was going to give it to him but halfway through passing it to him I was overcome with awkwardness, and threw it on the bed instead. I clattered down the stairs with the kids, the vision of Ed’s naked torso sitting up in bed imprinted, unbidden, on my mind.

  We walked to the park through empty Monday streets. The sun shone weakly as if it was calling London to imagine what spring would feel like in a few weeks. Ed seemed more relaxed, walking with slow strides while Luke tried to match him with his much shorter legs. I felt happiness well up inside me. The day felt full of possibilities.

  Rosie held my hand and half skipped, half walked as she pulled me along. She sang little songs to herself and stumbled sometimes in her excitement to keep up. And before I could edit my thoughts I blurted out happily, ‘Well, isn’t this a lovely family outing.’

  Ed looked at me quizzically, his eyes glinting darkly against the blue sky. ‘Really? I didn’t know we were playing mummies and daddies.’

  I felt my cheeks warm. ‘I, uh, ha ha ha,’ I laughed nervously. ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

  ‘Like what?’ Ed asked.

  ‘Like you and me. I mean . . .’ I glanced at him again. He was smiling a closed-lipped smile, his mouth twitching. ‘Oh, Ed, you’re laughing at me!’

  His laugh escaped then, joyful and infectious. I couldn’t help but join in, not exactly sure about what we were laughing at exactly – the idea of us together? At me being such an awkward twat? Wh
o cared! It was all hilarious and my laughter spewed out like a geyser. Ha ha ha, I rattled, clutching my stomach, tears running down my cheeks. Hee hee hee, I shrieked, as Luke and Rosie joined in with their easy giggling. It lasted the length of the walk and it wasn’t until we were opening the gate to the park that I downgraded to sputtery little after-laughs that fell out every now and then.

  Ed had always been able to do that – make me laugh at the weirdest things. Sometimes when I was with him it was almost as if I was in a whole other reality. I know that sounds all New Agey and naff. And I don’t mean I’m high on drugs with him either. It was something else, as if there was always this possibility that we could be tipped into some parallel universe by one comment from him, where everything was nonsensical yet at the same time made complete sense in its craziness, if you know what I mean. I’m not really explaining myself very well but it was just something Ed did. I never felt like this with anyone else.

  Luke was off like a fighter jet and was up the ladder to the slide in moments, yelling for us to come over and watch his mega sliding skills. Rosie wanted a go too so I stood behind her as she negotiated the ladder, reaching up so my hands formed an emergency backstop in case Rosie needed it. I could feel my top riding up, exposing my belly. I retracted one arm to attempt to pull my top down, suddenly conscious of Ed standing a few yards away at the far end of the slide, waiting for Luke to descend. I glanced at him but at that moment Luke barrelled straight through the tunnel Ed had made from his long legs.