Fire Heart (Broken Bottle Series Book 2)

by Taeuffer, Pamela

  Jerry’s safe. Don’t you get it? He’s safe.

  I need to be safe.

  I need to be around people that make me feel safe.

  My education is safe.

  I'm used to working hard and keeping everyone at a distance while I strive for my independence.

  You’re too confident.

  You promise everything I see for myself but haven’t achieved.

  Too many people desire you.

  I don't want to get lost.

  I don't want to feel lost.

  With you, I’m lost.

  Chapter 17

  Can I be that Woman for You ?

  “All week long, I’d been up early and out late.” I began to summarize my reasons for giving up on our relationship.

  Ryan and I sipped our cranberry and orange juice drinks in the lounge at the Embarcadero Hotel. Throughout the majority of his questioning I’d remained silent, trying to gather my thoughts.

  Now it was time he heard me.

  Maybe after I was through explaining myself, he'd understand I wasn't right for him.

  "I was on the run before you left or your road trip. The pace continued through Yountville. When you finally called me I was beat. The edge I found myself teetering on . . . I mean, you didn't respond to any of my texts or the pictures I sent you during the day. Where were you?"

  "I already said—"

  "I tried to reach you for hours. Then I’d just gotten to sleep when you finally called me back. I was overly tired, and . . . I guess . . . well, I was pissed off."

  "Pissed off at me?"

  "Yes."

  "Why?"

  “I don't know, exactly. I hadn't heard from you. To top it all off, I had to get up again the next day to go to LA with Alex. She said she was picking me up at nine, but instead called me at six, announcing she’d be at my door in thirty minutes. I had to rush around after only a few hours of sleep. I hadn’t even packed.”

  “Why couldn’t you get to sleep?” His voice was laced with concern and innocence. “You just said you didn’t talk with me because you were so tired. In fact, you pretty much hung up on me after you said good night.”

  “Because.” I answered defiantly. Don’t try to put me in the corner. I’ll cut you right out of my life.

  “Because?” He kept pushing.

  “Because I couldn't reach you. I couldn’t reach you,” I emphasized. “You said you were in meetings. Okay. Before they started you couldn't have sent me a quick text? You just accused me of doing the same things to you when I was in LA, right? Well, I was busy, too, Ryan. Then—”

  “Wait a minute,” Ryan interrupted. “Let’s back up. I told you what I was doing. I was in meetings.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t believe me.” He put his head down.

  “No. I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t.”

  “We need to discuss that later.” His finger ticked as if he'd made a checkmark on an invisible piece of paper. “Go on.”

  “I was literally on the run all the next day. I met so many business contacts; I felt as if I was in a different world. I wanted that world—not this one. I knew I could start my career and my adult life with the contacts I'd made during those two days in Newport Beach. In fact, I know if I asked her, Alex would help me right now.”

  “Who did you meet?” He scratched his cheek.

  “Lieutenant Governor Xavier Del Sol, executives from Alex's Agency and the head designers of Chanel, Gucci, and St. John. What struck me the most was how so many of their employees were around my age. They were already off and running in their careers.” The scenes in LA rushed through my mind like a slideshow. “It made me reconsider everything about having a relationship with any man." I put my hand on his. "It wasn’t right that I didn’t call you. I admit that. The more time that went by, the more embarrassed I was. I know I sound confused. I am confused.”

  Two couples came into the lounge laughing and I was momentarily distracted.

  We were silent.

  Our eyes locked on each other.

  “I don’t know what to do about us.” My voice cracked as I looked at the worried expression on Ryan’s face. "We really should stop seeing each other before it gets too hurtful." Keep going, Nicky. You have to talk about this. Stop hiding your feelings for the sake of others. You need to heal, too. “For your sake, I think you should move on. I felt so close to you when you left, but then, the longer we were apart . . ." It was difficult to continue. I could see the hurt in his eyes and my heart felt as if it was breaking in two pieces.

  "Get it out," his voice cracked.

  "The longer we were apart, the more I decided that it would be better to stay away rather than take a chance on a relationship with you." I let out a long sigh. The pressure in my face was bordering an explosion.

  "So you have given up." His body seemed to collapse on itself.

  "No."

  He looked up.

  "I think about you a lot. If you want to know the truth, I told Jenise it's you I want, Ryan. But your desires and dreams are about a life I haven't experienced. We haven't even begun anything but already we just seem . . . like we're doomed."

  "Don't say that." He closed his eyes.

  “I know," I agreed. "I hate talking about any of this. Are you sorry you asked me to explain? Do you want me to stop?"

  "We need to get over the obstacle in our way," he encouraged. "I don't want you to stop . . . no matter what."

  "I haven't dated more than one boy my own age let alone someone like you." My thumbs slowly rubbed over his knuckles. “You should be dating someone who isn't confused about her life and knows what she wants. Someone . . ." I looked at the ceiling. The hotel had little lights that were like stars on it. "Someone who wouldn't second-guess being with a lovely man like you.

  “We need to face it—you need a woman with cool confidence, who can handle all the limelight that comes with you and your female interruptions. The perfect woman for you is a woman who doesn’t get weak when you kiss her. Wouldn't it be better to have someone who knows what to do with you romantically—you know, sex, I mean? I feel like falling to the ground every time you take me in your arms.”

  Ryan placed his hand on my cheek.

  Ooh, your beautiful eyes.

  “First of all, you were invited to a dinner party with people who carry international fame—if that doesn’t tell you how you present yourself . . . How could you think I wouldn't be proud to have you with me wherever we were? Second, I told you I've never taken any woman in my arms in public and kissed her like I did with you back there. I’ve always managed my public persona carefully and kept my emotions in check at all times. I don’t care about that when I'm with you. I welcome the attention. The more people that know we're together, the better off we are. In fact, I intend to take you in my arms and kiss you whenever I can."

  Really? That would be . . . nice; so nice.

  “That is, if it’s okay with you.” His wry grin appeared.

  I looked down at the table unable to hide my smile.

  "Yeah, it would be okay with me."

  Just when I start to get my sea legs, he says this stuff.

  “I know you haven’t had the chance to explore other relationships and I’m an adjustment in your life. I'm asking you to let go with a baby step." He pinched his fingers together, dramatizing his words. "You might find being with me isn’t as daunting as the picture you've drawn in your head. You could be terrified when I say this but . . . I know you’re the woman for me, and I’m the man for you.”

  There wasn’t the slightest waver in his voice.

  “It’s . . .” My thighs closed, tightening against my hands, which were folded together as if in prayer. “Way more than that.”

  “Tell me what it is.” He put up two fingers. The waiter nodded, understanding Ryan's signal for two more drinks.

  I knew it was time to reveal everything.

  Each of us fidgeted.

  We looked around the lo
unge, focusing on everything but each other, waiting for our drinks to arrive.

  My cell phone beeped.

  I hesitated.

  Decided not to get it.

  Several women walked by giving Ryan the eye.

  He didn't flinch.

  I did.

  They reinforced everything I was going to say.

  Our drinks arrived.

  I stirred mine, watching the cherry sink to the bottom.

  “Let's start from the top," I said nervously. "You’re—"

  "Excuse me," a soft, feminine voice interrupted us.

  Our bodies jerked, as if they were drawn out of our solitary bubble, scraping against its sharp, jagged edges. I looked up to see a bombshell of a woman—gorgeous, blonde, her makeup in place, dressed in chic couture, and long, long legs decorated in expensive heels—and all of that standing at our table.

  "Ryan?"

  He blinked a few times and his face flushed.

  Is that anger or embarrassment?

  "How are you, Tabitha?" He looked at me and seemed to gulp as he answered.

  I shook my head, closed my eyes, and looked at the table.

  He stumbled for a few seconds.

  "It's good to see you." She put her hand on Ryan's forearm and traced over his wrist with her finger.

  Oh, God.

  "I'm busy, Tabitha. Something I can do for you?" He withdrew his arm and put it under the table, sitting back as if trying to break contact with her.

  "Oh, I see." She leaned over and flattened her palms on the table. Doing so, let the top of her dress dip to reveal a view of her breasts. "I didn't know you were . . . are you exclusive?"

  "Yes."

  "I'll make this brief, then. I just wanted to know if we were going to get together like last year. The summer is dwindling away, and . . . Kevin, Lance, Sheila, Hunter . . . God, I don't remember everyone there were so many of us. Those nights were endless, weren't they? Sorry to interrupt." She extended her hand to me. "Tabitha Sable."

  What kind of a name is that?

  "Nicky Young." I shook her hand.

  "And she was just leaving," Ryan pushed up from the table and stood next to her.

  "I can take a hint. Don't worry, Ryan. I'm not here to ruin your evening. The girls and I have a couple of new dance routines. I'd love you to come by the club and watch. Everyone would love to see you. Most of the others come by on a regular basis, but now I understand why we haven't seen you." She turned to me. "You must come, Nicky. Well, cheers. So sorry to interrupt."

  She moved close to Ryan as if she wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek . . . or more. He backed away and she turned with elegant grace, looked seductively over her shoulder, and with hooded eyes, blew Ryan a kiss.

  I watched her as if that kiss floated through the air onto Ryan's cheek. I felt defeated. The confidence I'd begun to build with him had been shot down.

  I was ready to give up.

  "Sorry about—"

  "What are you sorry for?" I was shaken. "That you're attractive? Desired? An athlete that continues to draw any number of people to him wherever he goes? What exactly are you sorry about?"

  "Sorry she interrupted us," he said calmly.

  "Yeah." My voice was laced with resignation. "What just happened? That's everything I was trying to say to you in a nutshell. She shouldn't bother me, but she does. She knows what she's got and how to give it you. That she can come right up to you even though you're here with me? She's one of dozens who doesn't care you're involved. They'll never stop. And you let her continue right in the middle of a serious conversation. Tabitha Sable? Let me guess. She's an exotic dancer?"

  Silence.

  "Why didn't you stop her?"

  Silence.

  "The way she rubbed your arm, blew you a kiss . . ." I shook my head again, not certain if I wanted to continue. "I know you've been intimate with her."

  "What she did was completely out of line," Ryan said.

  "Out of line or not, you let her interrupt."

  "I know her."

  "Obviously."

  "I was only being polite so she'd leave."

  "Ha! So polite that she leaned over to give you a view of her breasts in case you forgot what they look like. Let's face it. She's got something I don't and she wants you to remember what it is. I'll never have that kind of swagger."

  "I'm not looking for swagger," he replied bluntly. "I didn't want to make a scene. I was about to ask her to leave but she wrapped it up, so I let her to leave on her own."

  "Oh yeah?" I challenged. I don't believe you. "You're not looking for women who exude sensuality and confidence and yet that's all you've been with? You don't want swagger? Really?"

  "No."

  "Fine. You expect me, a woman who you say you want to spend time with, to have the strength and stay strong in the face of that?" I nodded in Tabitha's direction. "I won't, Ryan. Hear me and understand what I just said is a fact. Women like her will haunt me forever. Anyway, I'll continue where I left off." I sighed, watching Tabitha confidently weave her way through the lounge. "Even though you let her interrupt me." Tears welled in my eyes. "What I just witnessed? I'm second. It was like you didn't care."

  Just like my mother.

  He rose from his seat and lifted me into an embrace.

  As I lay against his chest, I saw Tabitha looking from the corner of her eye.

  "I'm sorry." He kissed my temple. "I hardly said a word. I just wanted her to leave. That's why I didn't engage. I didn't want a scene. Please believe me."

  "I'm trying."

  "Hey." His hand cupped my cheek. "Please focus on me."

  I hesitated.

  I took a long breath.

  I cleared my throat.

  "Okay. Let's continue." I pulled myself together and sat down.

  Ryan pulled his chair close to mine.

  "You're almost twenty-six. You've been to college. You're successful in every way. You're confident like Tabitha and others around the ballpark. You know what you want. I'm the opposite of everything you are and the people you know." I nodded in Ms. Bombshell's direction. "I don’t know what the hell I want except my career, but one thing's for damn sure—I am not going to battle women like that."

  "You don't have to battle anyone," he said softly. One of his hands rubbed my back.

  "Right."

  "Please believe me when I reveal my heart to you." He reached for my hand and held it. "I'm not a liar. I wouldn't say things to lead you on."

  "I believe you have good intentions, but . . ." I hesitated.

  "But that's as far as I go? There's nothing real in here?" He put my hand on his heart.

  "I know you're real and you think you're in love with me. I'm still confused and trying to figure all of this out. And when you say things like ‘I’m the woman for you,’ and ‘you’re the man for me,’ it sounds like you want us to be together for a long time. How can you really commit like that? You don't know me. I don't know me.” My stare was serious and unwavering. “Is it even fair to talk about commitment when I haven’t done anything yet?”

  “Making promises that mean forever for you and me is easy, Nicky. I know exactly what I want and I'm sure about us. I’m ready for us to be a couple."

  “When I go to college?" My gaze was firm. "I want to stay out late without worrying the man I'm committed to will be upset because I'm with friends. I want to experience boyfriends, and swagger through a club like Tabitha did and . . .”

  I stopped there, not wanting to say the words aloud.

  “And what?” He asked the question with such innocence that I felt guilty when I answered him.

  "When I’m more comfortable, you know, that time may never come as backward as I am about boys, but if it does . . . it seems like I'll never get there, but if I do, I mean, well, I might want to have sex with a few boys at college.” I hesitated and then added, "You know, like you did with the college girls. And of course now, with women like Tabitha."

  “Oh.�
��

  I looked in his eyes.

  “Remember, I heard you talk about all the sex you had in college when you and Kevin were in the outfield last year.”

  Silence.

  “I’ve just graduated high school. It's not fair to expect me to be exclusive before I explore the world. I’ve played it safe all my life, Ryan. I don’t want to look back and regret that I compromised, once again, instead of being brave with my life. I’m afraid I’ll be sorry that when I'm older, I gave up the kind of opportunities that come to us only when we’re young. You didn’t want to be committed to one girl at eighteen, so why should it be any different for me?”

  His eyes never looked away.

  He didn't have an answer.

  I should have waited for him to say something. Nervous as usual, I couldn't wait and started again.

  “I want to see you, but to swear to be true and not look at another boy?" My finger rimmed my glass. "I don't know. How will we handle it when our lives are in two different places? What do we do when we cross paths for only an hour or two each day and then not for a week at a time?"

  "We—"

  "Be honest," I interrupted. "Don’t you expect me to drop everything for you?"

  More silence.

  "I want parties, boyfriends, staying out late, study groups, having pizza together with new friends—that's what I'm going to do in college. You won’t like it, but it’s a part of the experiences I should have. You had them, right?”

  Chapter 18

  Please Commit to Me

  “I want you to have the life you envision." Ryan jumped in, perhaps unable to remain silent any longer. "I’ll wait for you when it comes to having your career and graduating college. I promise you I will. But I have to be honest. I couldn't stand to wait while you see other boys. I do want you to see me exclusively. I know that’s asking a lot. I really . . . I know we’re meant to be."

  "How?"

  "Your magnificence has called to me from the day you walked into the bleachers. I felt it—felt you. You speak to me." His hands tightened around his glass. "When I told your parents I couldn’t take my eyes off you from the moment I first looked at you, I wasn’t telling them some fluff story to make them feel good.”