Something Old

by Dianne Christner

  She yanked her arm away. “I’m sure it won’t take you long to find a woman on the Internet. Somebody who understands you. Or maybe Jessie will take you back.” Tears streaming down her cheeks, Katy jerked the door handle and jumped out. In her wake, the door slammed and shook the cab.

  He refused to watch her walk away and kept his gaze straight ahead. It was all he could do not to spin his tires in the gravel. In his mind’s eye, he could see her marching to the doddy house. Stubborn, foolish woman who made him furious. If he had a hammer in his hand, he would surely demolish something.

  Jake drove, hardly noticing the traffic signs, his mind churning with anger and guilt. Finally he pulled over, his wheels partly on the road and partly on a sloped embankment. He no longer felt like swinging a hammer; he felt like crumbling. He couldn’t talk to Chad or Cal. Guys didn’t take much to weakness, weren’t good at helping a guy deal with a broken heart. He’d never had one before, but he felt like he’d explode if somebody didn’t help him. He tried calling Lil, but she didn’t answer. For several minutes, he sat with his phone against his forehead. He tried again. Still no answer. Then he tried his sister. When she answered, he blurted out, “Katy and I broke up. Can I come over?”

  “Sure. I’ll meet you outside the dorm.”

  “Twenty-five minutes?”

  “Okay.”

  When Jake reached the southern edge of the manicured lawns and red-bricked university buildings, he calmed a bit. It helped just to get away from the country and everything that reminded him of Katy. He pulled to the side of the road in a no-parking zone and glanced at Canfield Hall, wondering if he should text Erin.

  But then he saw her standing on the sidewalk near the residence halls. When she started running toward him, he jerked his gearshift in PARK and jumped down out of the cab. Erin pulled him into a firm embrace.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said.

  He didn’t say anything. Erin knew how much he loved Katy. She’d conspired with him the afternoon of the ballet, jumping in to entertain Addison so that he could spend time with Katy. He clung tight to his little sister, leaning his head on top of hers. Just feeling the beat of her heart brought him a sense of assurance. Finally, Erin drew back, touched his cheek. “You can’t park here. Can we go someplace? Wanta go get coffee?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “Someplace private.”

  “Let’s go down to the lake.”

  He agreed, and at Mirror Lake, they found a vacant bench, but the location probably wasn’t ideal. Many lovers strolled through the park, reminding him of his great loss.

  He slunk forward. “It’s over.”

  “You want to tell me what happened?”

  “She’ll never forgive me. She thinks I’m contaminated. Says my falling away has done irreparable damage to others.” He looked at Erin, and her face had paled. Yet he needed to get it all out. “She’s right. Because of me, she’s changed. I’ve ruined her.”

  Erin sucked in a deep breath. “No. She’s responsible for who she is. She can’t blame you for that.” Erin brushed his hair with her hand. “I don’t understand why she can’t see how you’ve changed.”

  He shrugged. “You’re the one taking psychology. The thing is, I want the old Katy. It’s hopeless. All we do is fight when we’re together.”

  Erin rubbed her forehead with a ringed hand. She lifted her gaze out across the water. “This is awful,” she said. “I thought Katy would take you back.”

  He stared at his sister, who had changed so much in the past six months. She dressed in jeans and wore jewelry and makeup. Although her hair was still long, in many ways she resembled Jessie. He grabbed her by her upper arms. “The Bible’s right about one thing.”

  “What?” she asked, widening her eyes.

  “We reap what we sow. Erin, don’t let the same thing happen to you. Promise me, you won’t let your falling away ruin your life.”

  “You’re scaring me. Your life’s not ruined.” She cupped his face with her hands. “It’s all reversible, right?”

  He gently pushed her hand away. “Once I thought it was. Now I don’t.”

  “Sure it is. Before you know it you’ll be reaping the good stuff. The blessings.”

  “Maybe. But it’s too late with Katy. And that’s something I’m going to regret the rest of my life.”

  Katy flung herself on her bed. Jake had dumped her. He’d begged her to forgive him, and then he’d dumped her. The cruel words he’d tossed at her burned through her mind: Self-righteous, mean-spirited, unforgiving. If she was any of those things, it was because he’d caused it. Still, it hurt so bad to know he felt that way about her. She hated him for putting the blame back on her. She hated herself for giving him reason to do it.

  She had known from the start that she was wrong to blame him for the bad interview, but still she had gone down that destructive path. And to what end? She’d left him with no way out because she wanted to punish him. She’d brought this on herself because she couldn’t forgive him. She thought she had, but she must not have, because she wanted to punish him again and again for his rejection, his betrayal. Now she disgusted him. She disgusted herself.

  He wouldn’t care that he’d lost her, but she would. And she would never get over him.

  She bunched up her pillow and released pent-up pain and anger. She punched it and moaned. She hated him. She hated herself.

  CHAPTER 33

  Katy, wake up.”

  “Go away.” Katy pushed at Lil’s hand. She didn’t want to wake up. “I’m staying home.”

  Lil laced her voice with concern. “But you never miss church.”

  Katy tried to focus her eyes through swollen slits. “Then today will be a first because I’m not facing Jake.”

  “But you can’t stay in bed all day.”

  Katy turned her head toward the wall, wondering why not. “I know you’re miserable. Look, you gave it a shot. Now you can both move on…without regrets. No more what-ifs.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. Nobody’s ever dumped you. Twice.”

  Lil’s hand retreated.

  Instantly, Katy regretted her harshness. Her failed relationship wasn’t Lil’s fault. “I’m sorry. But he said horrible things to me.”

  Lil sighed and lowered onto the edge of Katy’s bed. “He was only angry. We both know he’s a hopeless chump.”

  “When people are angry, they say what they mean. And chump doesn’t cover the half of it.”

  “Sometimes they try to lash out to cover their own hurts, too.”

  That’s exactly what Katy had done. Lashed out at him for no reason yesterday, even when he’d only been kind. She had lashed out because of her own fears.

  “You can still be friends. You were great at that.”

  Katy tried to imagine a brotherly relationship with Jake, one built on kindness and an intimacy gained from knowing each other so well. It would never work because one of them would flirt, and then they’d end right back where they were today. But he was Lil’s cousin so he couldn’t be avoided, either.

  “Megan’s coming over for lunch. She’s made her mission-trip choice. Wants to show us her Bangladesh brochure.”

  Katy moaned. She wasn’t interested in Bangladesh. She had her own Bungled-mess. But weekends were the only time she saw Megan. And Katy didn’t want her to think she was mad over the discussion that had taken place in Megan’s dorm. “Okay, but when she wants to patch me up with Jake again, stand with me on this. You agree we’re hopeless together, right?”

  Lil hesitated. “I haven’t heard Jake’s side yet. But it does seem that way.”

  Katy bunched and cradled her pillow. “I can’t do this if you won’t help me.”

  “All right.” Lil nodded. “I’ll back you up. But Megan won’t push you.”

  “She might. Seems to have some honest streak going.”

  “You think so, too?” Lil tapped her freckled cheek. “The other day she lectured me about self-respect. Had the nerve to
say that if I didn’t chase guys so hard, they’d be chasing me. Like that would ever happen. She said some other stuff, too. Brought up my mom’s depression. Gave me a bunch of advice.” She dropped her hand. “Usually, she’s not so pushy. I thought she was acting weird, too. Maybe it is an honesty thing.”

  Katy rose up on an elbow. “I’ll bet she’s taking some psychology class and testing it out on us.”

  Lil’s voice grew animated. “Yes. I’ll bet that’s it.”

  Nudging Lil with her hand, Katy snapped, “Move off my bed. I’ve gotta hurry if we don’t want to be late.”

  Lil jumped up and smiled brightly. “Great, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  The sermon was on spiritual seasons. The preacher brought up Dutchman’s breeches—little, white, spring flowers that resembled a row of upside-down breeches on a clothesline. They represented summer’s promise. He compared spring and summer to God’s love and blessings. Winter symbolized the hard times. He stressed the beauty of faith in winter. Katy recalled the beauty of the barren wintry countryside when she took that dark sleigh ride with David. How long ago that seemed.

  Applying the concept to her situation, she figured she was experiencing the bleakest winter of her life. Her latest fight with Jake must be dead winter. According to Brother Troyer, spring was around the corner. He claimed the key was trusting God. She thought about God and wondered if it really was that easy. Did God take a personal interest in her? Was He planning a spring and summer for her? Or was it all wishful thinking? Was He a judge, watching to see how she handled adversity?

  Normally, Katy didn’t like change, but living in bitter cold forced her to welcome it. She jotted down a few notes on her bulletin, thinking she should start a spring-cleaning section of her journal and incorporate the spiritual season theme.

  Brother Troyer ended the sermon by challenging his congregation to trust a loving God with their winters. The idea invaded the core of Katy’s heart like a live coal. As it burned deeper, she prayed, I want to believe, Lord. Please help me.

  Before she knew it, Megan and Lil were singing on either side of her. She felt glad Lil had urged her to come to church. The sermon had given her hope, and she couldn’t wait to find some time alone to pray and ask God to give her direction and shower her with an emotionalspiritual spring. She had to believe that the burning sensation she’d felt at the conclusion of the sermon was God’s drawing her, wooing her.

  Time after time, she had ignored God’s voice. Yet He still wooed her. That was amazing.

  But after the closing prayer, Katy remembered Jake. She returned her hymnal to the rack in the back of the pew in front of her and slowly turned. Her eyes scanned the sanctuary. Thankfully, he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Relief flooded through her. Either he hadn’t come and was at home lying in a bed of misery like she had been, or he had shot out the back at once, dreading their meeting as much as she did.

  “I’m going to go find Mom,” Lil said.

  Katy watched her friend depart, feeling a bit forsaken. But she understood that Lil was still worried about her mom’s depression. Feigning a smile, she turned to Megan. “I’ll bet you’re excited about your trip.”

  Megan’s blond head bobbed. “So excited. I don’t know how I’ll ever wait until June.”

  They moved down the center aisle, maneuvered around clusters of farmers eager to get in the fields and discussing disking and planting.

  Megan added, “The sermon was awesome. I kept applying it to my life. Graduating and my trip. I can’t wait for summer to come so I can get to the good stuff, you know?”

  Awestruck that God could use a sermon to speak to an entire congregation in a personal way, Katy nodded. “I feel the same way.”

  Megan gave her a curious look. “Something’s happened, hasn’t it?”

  “Yes, but I don’t want to tell you about it here.”

  “All right. But I hope it’s a good thing. You deserve something good.”

  The comment struck Katy as odd. Did she? Hadn’t Jake said she was self-righteous and ugly on the inside? Sometimes she felt like she was two persons, the proper one on the outside, and the enemy on the inside. How did anyone ever get that inside woman to jive with the outside one? If only Megan knew the real her, she’d realize she didn’t deserve much. No. What happened wasn’t good. At least not now, while she still hurt.

  They shook hands with Brother Troyer and stepped into the foyer, and then Katy’s heart plummeted straight to the carpet. There stood Jake next to the exit. She had a view of his profile, and he had a happy expression. She ground her teeth. Happy to be rid of her. Happy because he was talking to two girls. Her eyes narrowed, and she tightened her grip on her purse. Then she noticed with relief that one was his sister, Erin.

  She felt conflicting emotions. Katy should be happy that Erin was back in church. It was an answer to Jake’s prayers. But a selfish meanness arose in her that resented any kind of happiness for him today while she was hurting. At the same time, she felt ashamed.

  Erin started laughing. She was dressed in her normal conservative clothing. Had Jake made all that up about her falling away? But Erin’s guest was a definite outsider. Jake was staring—or more like flirting—with a blond girl. A definite outsider, so maybe Erin hadn’t changed. Jake, either.

  Jealousy flooded through her. How could he be able to flirt and forget her so easily? Then the blond girl moved, and Katy saw her face. The girl wore a nose ring. Katy gasped. Her jealousy reared like a wild stallion, an uncontrollable beast. Jessie! With bleached hair. Her entire hair, not just one strand.

  For an instant, she stood spellbound and incredulous. The waiflike woman wore the highest spiked shoes Katy had ever seen. Her slender legs showed way too much skin, even though her skirt swirled around her calves in some clingy, flowery material. She couldn’t believe the elders had even allowed her inside the doors. Her pale hair had dark roots, not natural and beautiful like Megan’s. The change of hair color was why she hadn’t instantly recognized her. But her clothes had given her away even though her tattoo was covered. No, she had another one low on one leg. Katy blushed at viewing such a shocking, worldly display. Her face burned to think that Jake had been attracted to this type of woman. It seemed he still was, the way he was responding to her bright smiling lips and seductive eyes. Katy longed to turn away from the display, and at the same time felt riveted to watch it play out.

  She should be happy she was rid of Jake, yet she felt like ripping Jessie’s hair out at its fake roots. Her eyes narrowed as she envisioned doing just that.

  Then she felt Megan’s touch at her elbow. “It’s Erin!”

  “And Jessie,” Katy ground out.

  Megan’s face paled as she took in the significance of the scene. “Oh. And they’re blocking the door.”

  In case her friend didn’t get the whole of it, Katy said between gritted teeth. “Get me out of here.” Before I make a scene.

  But before that happened, Jake turned his gaze in her direction. He was in the middle of a sentence and stopped speaking. He closed his mouth and tightened his jaw. When he did so, Erin and Jessie turned, too, following his gaze. All three stared at Katy, and Katy stared back, feeling nothing but hatred for the three of them.

  Megan’s arm shot around Katy’s shoulder, and she was propelled around, probably heading back through the sanctuary and out a side door, but she wasn’t sure because her surroundings blurred into a swirling green that swallowed her vision. Green movements, green people, a green cross, and green shrubbery. She felt her feet moving, but all she saw was Jake and that despicable girl.

  Like a drowning person, her mind struggled. Had he run straight from her back into Jessie’s arms? Slowly, Katy realized that was exactly what she’d told him to do. In fact, it was her parting jab. Maybe Jessie will take you back.

  Incoherent thoughts shot through her mind. Spring? Darkness. Did God cause this? Or was this His warning against testing Him? Jake loved Jessie all along. Just Jessie. Steam
y, starry nights with Jessie. Maybe they’d marry, and he’d leave. Please let him leave. God’s not listening. Help me, God.

  Then she saw they were standing on the passenger side of Megan’s car. She looked up at her with confusion.

  “You’re not driving like this. Get in. I’m taking you home.”

  CHAPTER 34

  By the time they’d reached the doddy house, Katy had tearfully told Megan all about the breakup and had recovered somewhat from the initial shock of seeing Jake with Jessie. Her thoughts still skittered chaotically, but she was able to divert some of her frustrated energy into setting the table. Aware of Megan’s sympathetic glances, Katy set the plates on the vinyl tablecloth. “So much for spring,” she said sarcastically.

  “It will come.”

  Pressing a firm crease into a paper napkin, Katy remembered Megan’s earlier excitement over her upcoming mission trip. “I’m sorry I’ve ruined your news. You were so happy before—” She fumbled with the napkin.

  “Don’t even—”

  The door burst open, and they both turned to watch Lil enter. She plunked her purse and Bible on the counter. Then she placed both palms flat on the counter, looked at them, and burst into tears.

  Katy’s mouth gaped, and the napkin she had been holding floated to the floor.

  Megan rushed forward. “What on earth?”

  “It’s Mom,” Lil gasped.

  Katy went rigid, thinking the worst.

  Lil waved a hand in front of her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was going to do that. It’s just…she won’t get out of bed. My dad doesn’t know what to do with her. I’ve never seen him so worried. So stressed.”

  Relief flooded over Katy that Mrs. Landis wasn’t injured or worse. She’d never had to deal with anyone plagued with depression. “Has she been to the doctor?”

  “No. She won’t go.” Lil swiped a hand across her eyes and met Katy’s gaze. “I know this is such bad timing, but she needs me. I told Dad I’d come home for a while to help out and try to get Mom out of her slump.”