Swimming to Tokyo

by Brenda St John Brown

  “Amelia says Naoko’s got a thing for you.”

  Finn’s eyes flit over to her and back to me. “Really?”

  I can’t tell if that’s an interested “really” or a disbelieving “really” so I shrug. “Supposedly.”

  “Good to know.” His attention zeroes in back on me. “So what’s wrong?”

  For a second, I think he’s asking about Naoko, that he can tell how much I hate it. But then I remind myself he has no idea and let out a long sigh. “I don’t know.”

  “Are you sure?” Finn’s not the kind of person who tries to make a joke to get past something. He’ll wade through the discomfort, which I kind of admire.

  I, however, have years of practice covering up my real feelings and turn a big fake smile on him. “I think I’m still reeling from my epic win in the pool earlier.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” He shakes his head. “I have a proposition for you. How about instead of Tsukiji we go to Kamakura tomorrow?”

  “Why?” Kamakura is the old capital city of Japan. It’s only forty minutes away, but there’s a lot to see and it’s definitely an all-day thing. Finn and I have spent a good amount of time together, but not all day. A lunch. Coffee. A specific place to go sightseeing. A few hours max. “Are you trying to bail on getting up early?”

  “Maybe you could do with getting out of here, that’s all. See some green, see some temples…”

  “There’s a tree outside the station,” I start and then stop because it sounds like I’m blowing off his suggestion. And I’m not. Even if common sense tells me that’s exactly what I should be doing. “But Kamakura sounds great.”

  He smiles like he didn’t expect me to agree. “Okay. Eight o’clock early enough for you? I’ll meet you at yours?”

  I nod as Akihiro comes up to grab another drink, and it’s not long before we’re all seated at one of those long communal tables. The food comes and goes quickly, and I start to feel better, laughing with Yudai and Amelia. Until I glimpse Finn out of the corner of my eye.

  The girl next to him is more or less sitting on his lap, and his arm rests on her lower back. Her head is bent close to his and her sheet of black hair hides their faces, but from this angle, they’re either kissing or they will be.

  My gaze flickers around the table. It’s not Naoko, although she’s noticed, too. I wonder how similar my expression is to hers because she looks like she might throw up or cry. Even as I’m telling myself it’s none of my business, I make excuses to Amelia. I don’t fool her, but she doesn’t say anything when I tell her I’ve promised my dad I’ll be home early and slip away from the table.

  I pretty much run down the pier once I’m outside. When I press the button on my phone to check the time, I can’t believe it’s only 8:30. The night’s just getting started. I bite my cheek to stop the next thought. It’s none of my business. We’re friends and I just spent a good long time reminding myself why we should stay friends. Just friends. But, dammit, I still feel like I got kicked in the gut. I can’t think about what was happening back there or how I feel about it.

  So I don’t. Because if there’s one thing I can do, it’s compartmentalize. When Mom got sick, I didn’t miss a day of school until the end. And even then, I went back to school three days after the funeral. Babci and Dad told me I should take my time, but school let me have six hours a day when I could forget, when I could pretend Mom was still waiting for me at home, ready to offer me a snack and ask about my day. I didn’t want to think then and I don’t want to think now, so I plug my headphones into my phone, turn on my music, and walk.

  It takes me a while to get home. I haven’t spent much time at Yokohama Pier, so I have to double back a few times. I stop at the shop next to the station and buy some Doritos. Even though I’m not hungry, I open the bag as I walk and eat a few chips, just for the crunch. They taste like home, uncomplicated and familiar. Everything Finn is not.

  I’ve eaten a quarter of the bag by the time I turn my key in the lock and walk right in on Dad and Eloise, sitting close on the floor at the kotatsu eating sushi. From the way Eloise’s legs are draped across Dad’s, they clearly weren’t expecting company.

  “Hi, honey,” Dad says as Eloise tries to untangle her legs.

  “Hey. Sorry. I didn’t realize you—”

  “No, it’s fine. Are you hungry?” He inches away from Eloise a bit and glances past me to the still-open door. “Is Finn with you?”

  “No. He, um, stayed out.”

  Eloise raises her eyebrows. “Is he all right?”

  Oh, yes. Yes, I’m sure he’s fine. To her, I say, “Yeah, I was just…tired.”

  Eloise and Dad exchange a look, although it’s Eloise who asks me, “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. Look, don’t let me interrupt. I’m going to try to Skype Mindy since it’s early there. Maybe she’s not with her campers yet.”

  I give them a mechanical smile and go into my room and close the door. I’m powering up the laptop when there’s a knock. To my surprise, it’s Eloise standing there, not Dad.

  “Um, hi.” If Dad sent her in here thinking she’s some kind of Mom substitute, I’m going to kill him.

  “Finn cares about you a great deal.” Her black hair sort of glows blue with the light behind it.

  I actually don’t doubt that. “Yeah, look, I just…”

  She continues as if I haven’t spoken. “He’s had a hard road. You’re the first worthwhile thing that’s happened to him in a long time.”

  I stare at her. I don’t really feel like explaining to Finn’s mother that I haven’t happened to Finn. Nothing, in fact, has happened.

  Eloise seems to take my silence as agreement because she smiles. “That said there’s no reason for him to act like an asshole.”

  I shrug a little. “He’s always perfectly nice to me. Eloise, really…” I pause, trying to find the right words that won’t incriminate me. This is Finn’s mom. Not mine. “It’s not that kind of thing.”

  “Zosia.” The way she says my name tells me she knows it’s exactly that kind of thing. At least to me.

  “We’re friends.” I say it, but it’s less forceful.

  Eloise hears the missing word loud and clear. “If you were just friends, you’d say that. Both of you.”

  She gives me one last look and closes the door softly behind her. I hear her and Dad talking softly for a bit before the front door closes and Dad knocks at my door.

  “Hey.” He pokes his head in without waiting for my okay. “Eloise said something happened with Finn?”

  My annoyance flares again. “No. It didn’t.”

  “She just said you seemed upset with him.” Dad pauses, but not long enough for me to say anything. “Look, Zo, I’m glad you two get along, but maybe you want to expand your social circle a little. I mean, Finn’s a good kid, but he’s just…He’s had a rough time…”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  Dad ignores the sarcasm in my voice. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “How would I get hurt?”

  “Zo, you have a certain tone. When you like someone…”

  My words back to bite me. Just what I need. “I told Eloise and I’ll tell you: it’s not that kind of thing. We’re friends. Friends. Friends. Friends.”

  “Good. Well, I’d like it to stay that way. I don’t want you dating him, Zo. Or thinking you want to.” Dad’s tone stiffens just enough for me to get defensive.

  “Why not?” Dad has never been one to lay down the law with me. Not that I’ve ever given him cause to.

  “He has a rough past, and I don’t want you mixed up with that.” Dad’s eyes flash at me, hard and shiny like a new dime.

  “Some people might say I’ve had a rough past, too,” I say.

  “It’s not the same thing. You didn’t end up in juvenile detention. And, fine, he said the knife…” Dad catches the look on my face. Wide-eyed disbelief. The realization that I don’t know, that Finn hasn’t told me any of this, stops him cold.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you dating him.”

  The confrontation is on the tip of my tongue. The or what? that will make him put a stake in the ground. But I back away from it. “We’re not dating, Dad. I told you. We’re friends. It’s fine.”

  “Good.” He nods like that settles it and takes a deep breath. “So what are you doing tomorrow?”

  Dad, who’s been so wrapped up in work he hardly knows how I spend my days chooses now to ask? I have a feeling he won’t appreciate me going with Finn no matter whether we’re friends or not, and the half-truth slides off my tongue. “Um, going to Kamakura. It’s supposed to be really cool.”

  “Oh, good. Is Amelia going? She was talking about Kamakura just the other day.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, it was her idea, actually.” Right into a full-on lie. I reach for my Lonely Planet on the shelf next to my futon so I don’t have to look at him. “I said I’d look up what the major sights are so we’d be sure to see everything.”

  “Great idea.” If Dad thinks I’m lying, he’s not showing it. “I’ve got to finish a couple docs for work anyway. Have fun.”

  “Yeah, thanks. We’re heading out early so if I don’t see you in the morning, I’ll catch you when I get back.” My only saving grace is Dad hates mornings probably just as much as Finn.

  Dad says something else, and I nod and smile enough that a minute later I’m staring at the back of my bedroom door as he whistles in the other room. I let the muscles in my face go slack as I lean back into my futon.

  Finn’s bad news. Finn was in JD. Finn’s hooking up with that girl right now.

  My dad is dating Finn’s mother and even he can’t give Finn a ringing endorsement.

  “Fuck.” I exhale the curse word into the still air of my room and slam my hand into my pillow.

  I wasn’t going to think about him anymore tonight. Now every thought that comes into my head starts and ends with “F.”

  Fuck you, Finn.

  Fuck you.

  chapter nine

  “So are you going to ask him?” Mindy whispers to me the next morning over Skype on the laptop. I tried her last night, but there was no answer and I fell asleep moping before I could try her back.

  “Great idea. What do you think I should say? ‘My dad says you went to juvie. Want to tell me about that?’ I’m thinking no.”

  Mindy’s eyes widen. “Don’t you want to know?”

  “Of course I want to know,” I hiss. “I want to know if he hooked up with that girl last night, too, but I’m not going to ask that either.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. Besides, he’s probably not even going to show.”

  “You don’t think?”

  “Well, if he is, he’s got till 8:01.” Ten minutes to go.

  “Show me what you’re wearing,” Mindy directs. I obey and she rolls her eyes. “Damn, Zo, you can do better than that.”

  I scan my frayed shorts and paint-splattered white tank. “I don’t want to do better than this. I wouldn’t make any more of an effort for you.”

  “I know, but don’t you want to try a little?”

  “No. He spent the night with some gorgeous Japanese girl. I’m not competing with that. The end.” In fact, I’m going to the opposite extreme. I glance at the clock in the corner of the screen. “I have to go. I’ll ping you later to see if you’re on.”

  I cut her off before she can say anything and shut the lid of the laptop. I’m dead serious about not leaving any grace period. There is no way in hell I’m hanging around for him.

  I grab my sweater and phone and I’m double-checking my wallet in the living room when the knock sounds. 7:57. I think about ignoring it, but he’d knock louder and Dad’s sleeping. And after last night, I absolutely don’t want him waking up before I go.

  I open the door and Finn leans against the doorframe with two Starbucks cups in hand. He’s wearing green surfer shorts and a New York Mets T-shirt and looks like he’s slept versus being out all night doing…well, what people do. I did a fair bit of imagining exactly what he was doing last night unfortunately. In between everything else.

  He holds a coffee out to me, and I take a sip before I say anything. Milk, sugar, and cinnamon. Just the way I like it. “Thanks.”

  “You ready?” he asks. I nod and we slip out the door and down the stairs.

  “I didn’t think you’d show.” I intend for this to sound conversational, but it sounds like I’m accusing him of something.

  “No shit.” His tone is hard and unforgiving, and I don’t know how to respond, so we don’t talk again until we’re on the platform at the station. Even though it’s early on a Saturday, there are a lot of people here.

  We move as far down the platform as we can before Finn asks, “Where did you go last night?”

  “Home.”

  His mouth sets into a firm line. “Why?”

  “I just did. Why are you mad at me?”

  He takes a step closer. It’s too close, but I don’t step back. We haven’t touched since that first night, not even accidentally. But now our chests would touch if one of us took a deep breath. “Did it occur to you I would worry?”

  “Worry?” I let out a scoff of derision and roll my eyes. “No. I was tired and you were otherwise engaged.”

  “Right.” The way he says it is curt and dismissive, as if he’s forgotten.

  But I haven’t. “Did you have fun?”

  “In general? Or are you talking about specifics? Because if there’s something you want to know, you should ask.”

  That’s when I realize this is about jealousy and expectations. And not just mine. “Did you sleep with her?”

  “No.” God, his tone is cold.

  “Did you want to?” My grip tightens on my coffee cup.

  “No.” His eyes burn through me, but I don’t look away.

  “Why not?”

  Finn’s eyes widen. “Why not?”

  Mine narrow by contrast and I make sure to enunciate every word. “That’s what I said. Why not?”

  “Not my type. Why do you care?”

  The way he says it makes it clear that he has a pretty good idea why, but he’s mad and he wants me to say it. So I say the most innocuous thing I can think of. “Just curious.”

  “If you were that curious, you could’ve stuck around,” Finn says.

  “Thanks, but no thanks.” Just the memory of him with his hand on that girl’s back makes my stomach sink. “It’s clearly none of my business.”

  “Didn’t stop you from asking, though, did it?” His tone tightens another degree.

  I shrug, even though his comment stings. “Yeah, well, I just think you can do better.”

  He cracks a brief smile but still doesn’t step away. “Can I?”

  “Oh, yeah.” And the way I say it leaves no doubt what I mean. None. And I really can’t believe those words came out of my mouth in that tone because I spent a hell of a long time yesterday telling myself and everyone else that Finn and I were friends and nothing more. And that tone just proved I’m not convinced. At all.

  My stomach actually flips as he scans me up and down, lingering on my arms, my throat, resting back at my eyes. “Good to know.” I catch a faint whiff of aftershave as he turns to look at the oncoming train. Obsession for Men. Good Lord. “This is our train. Do you still want to go?”

  If anything, I want to go more now than I did before. But I can’t say that. I can’t actually say anything, it seems. So when the train arrives, I get on and will him to follow. He does, taking a seat beside me on the hard plastic bench. I concentrate on sipping my coffee since I’m pretty sure I don’t have a single thought in my head right now.

  Neither does he apparently. We don’t talk until the air between us stops buzzing, which truth be told, takes at least seven minutes. Even when he speaks, he has to clear his throat and his voice is low. “So any ideas where you want to go?”

  I pull my phone from my bag. I’ve
bookmarked some sites and scroll to the first one. “I looked last night and found some stuff.” I hold the phone between us so we can both see, and he inches close enough that I actually feel the hair on his leg against mine. When the train jerks to a stop three seconds later, we’re skin to skin as his leg slams into mine. Neither one of us pulls away. I try to sound casual when I speak, but my voice squeaks. “The big temples look cool and the Daibutsu.”

  “There’s the Shakado Pass. I’m not sure if it’s anything, but it’s in a bunch of movies.” He points to the screen and I pretend to read it. I wish I could ignore the pounding in my chest as I wait for him to move away at the same time I hope he doesn’t.

  He doesn’t.

  I mean, he shifts a bit, but our hips and our knees touch all the way to Kamakura. It’s not that far, so I haven’t quite gotten used to it by the time we arrive, but at least I can breathe normally, even if our conversation hasn’t completely lost that undercurrent of tension.

  It’s early by tourist standards, so we have the first temple pretty much to ourselves. Engaku-ji is the most famous temple in Kamakura, and it takes my breath away, starting with the steps leading to the inner gate. Everything, from the big bell to the huge trees that shade the garden, feels ten times more intimidating than the shrine in Ueno Park we went to our first weekend.

  Or maybe it’s just that everything feels that way today.

  We take our time, exploring every nook and cranny, alternating between reading the Lonely Planet online and the signs in English. We don’t make a lot of conversation, but our fingers brush while we pass my phone back and forth and we lean into each other as we both peer at the signs. It’s not as cautious as the first time, but it’s not deliberate either. And it’s still pretty electric. At least for me.

  The garden, called the Garden of Zen, is amazing, but as Finn’s hand brushes my back and—I swear to God—lingers? I focus on the trees and reading about cherry blossom season instead of wondering why we’ve suddenly broken our unspoken rule about not touching. Whatever the reason, I’m enjoying the unexpected jolts that run up my spine.

  By the time we get to the next shrine, I collapse on a bench in the deserted observation area at the back. I didn’t sleep much last night, but even if I had, I’d feel drained from tensing my muscles all morning. Like I’ve been in one long yoga class. The dark wood bench is warm, and even though the day is hot, the heat feels good seeping into my skin. I close my eyes. “This is bliss. You should try it.”