by Shuler, Tara
Alexi’s mouth fell open. He stared at me for a moment, and then he closed his mouth and started gritting his teeth again.
“Fine,” Alexi yielded. “Then I am asking you… no… I am begging you to please give me the book.”
I could hear the pain and desperation in Alexi’s voice, and I could see the concern in his quivering lip. I hated to hurt him that way, and it gnawed at my stomach until I thought I might throw up. But I could not give him what he wanted. I was angry, and stubborn, and I felt something dark growing inside me.
“I’m sorry, Alexi,” I told him as gently as I could. “I can’t do that.”
Looking at the floor, and still clinging tightly to the book, I slowly moved toward the door. I expected resistance, but none came. As I took the book to the library, no one followed. No one spoke. No one made a sound.
Something inside me writhed around. I could feel it boiling up in my stomach as I trudged toward the library. I kept expecting to hear footsteps behind me, but I was only met with silence. I felt a knot swelling in my stomach, and my eyes began to sting.
I wasn’t exactly certain what was happening. I suddenly felt so alone. While I hadn’t wanted them to talk me out of studying the book, I expected they would be there with me. It was difficult to feel as though I’d just betrayed them all. I knew I hadn’t. What I was doing was for the good of all of them, wasn’t it?
The closer I got to the library, the more intensely I felt the haunting feeling deep inside me. It lashed around like a fish on a hook, trying to loosen itself and break free. It became so intense I could hardly breathe. It was a darkness that was trying to eat me alive from the inside out. I could feel it struggling to overtake me, and it felt as though my soul was fighting a losing battle.
In that moment, I realized I was wrong. Dark magic wasn’t the answer. Alexi had been right all along, yet he’d relented to appease me. I’d been toying with dark magic for hours, but perhaps it wasn’t too late to undo the damage. I turned around, ready to fly back down to the basement to admit to Alexi that I’d seen the error of my ways.
As soon as I whirled around, I crashed into something. I felt strong arms close around me, and I turned my eyes upward. It was Alexi. In a moment of weakness, I burst into tears.
“Alexi, I’m sorry!” I shouted, my face buried in his chest, which muffled the sound. “I was wrong, and you were right! I didn’t mean what I said! I don’t wish I never met you! I’m sorry!”
Alexi stroked my hair gently, holding me close to him as I sobbed.
“Shh,” he whispered into my ear. “It will be alright. I promise.”
“How can it be alright?” I cried, looking up at him and desperately wishing I could see the eyes he hid in the shadow of his cloak. “It will never be alright! Without dark magic, we might not be able to defeat Dmitri! But I can feel it inside me, Alexi. It’s dark and it’s evil, and I can feel it trying to tear me apart!”
“I was so afraid this would happen, Alice. I tried to warn you. I did everything I could to stop you.”
“It’s not your fault, Alexi. I know you did everything you could. This was my choice. I only hope it’s not too late to undo the damage.”
“When Father Jacobs arrives, he might know what to do,” Alexi told me. “I will ask him what can be done.”
I looked down at the book, to which I still clung tightly. It seemed to call to me, like a siren song leading me to certain doom. Part of me wanted to take the book and run away with it… and that part was very powerful. But I squared my jaw and thrust the book toward Alexi. His hands closed over mine, and I felt the book being pulled from my grasp. For one moment, I tightened my grip on it, but Alexi tugged harder, and I let it go.
“I am going to put this somewhere for safe keeping,” Alexi told me.
“That’s probably a good idea,” I admitted.
It was true. The book was still calling me, pulling me in with some inexplicable force. I still wanted to steal it away from Alexi and run, and I knew there was a very real chance I might do something like that if given the chance. As Alexi departed to secure the book, I noticed Kai and Liam had been standing behind him. They both looked relieved.
“I’m sorry,” I told them both.
“You did the right thing,” Liam said.
Kai nodded in agreement.
“What if we can’t defeat Dmitri without it?” I asked seriously.
“Then we will deal with that if it happens,” Liam replied. “But it’s not worth the risk of losing you forever.”
“You may lose me, anyway,” I remarked.
“We might have a chance to get you back from Dmitri,” Liam said. “I’m not so sure we could bring you back from the kind of madness you would descend into if you continued with dark magic.”
He had a point. Though I’d only been dabbling in dark magic for a few hours, its pull was undeniable. When Alexi had taken the book from my hands, it felt as though he were dragging a large chunk of my soul along with it.
“What if it’s already too late?” I asked.
I noticed Kai shudder.
“Let’s just hope Father Jacobs has the answer,” Liam said quickly. “I couldn’t bear it if…”
His voice trailed off, and his eyes suddenly glistened.
“If what?” I urged him.
He shook his head as if it clear it.
“Nothing,” he said quickly.
“Liam, don’t hide stuff from me.”
“I’m not!” he shouted, turning his back to me.
I put my hand on his shoulder. This wasn’t like him at all. He was usually so chipper and so forthcoming with what he was thinking. He jerked his shoulder away from my hand.
“What in the…” I started to say.
“Just forget it,” Liam muttered.
“Fine,” I mumbled.
“Hey, why don’t we go to the dining hall and grab something to eat while we wait for Father Jacobs to arrive?” Kai asked, obviously trying to break the awkwardness of the situation.
“I’m not really hungry,” I grumbled.
“You should eat,” Kai argued. “Alexi will have a fit if he thinks we’re not feeding you often enough.”
I sighed.
“Fine,” I conceded. “Let’s go.”
We went to the dining hall and ordered some food at the window. It was awkward sitting there with Kai and Liam. No one spoke, and Liam refused to even make eye contact with me. I wished Father Jacobs would hurry up and arrive.
Chapter Nine – Liam’s Secret
Thankfully, Father Jacobs arrived quickly, and Alexi greeted him at the door. He quickly ushered Father Jacobs into the privacy of his upstairs office, presumably to discuss me – and the dark magic issue.
Alexi had Liam and Kai guarding me at all times. They were under explicit instructions to be within three feet of me at any given time. Not that they were complaining. Kai was thrilled to have an excuse to be as close to me as possible, and Liam used it as an opportunity to pick on me as much as possible. He really was infuriating and entertaining all at once.
Alexi and Father Jacobs were in his office for nearly an hour. Kai, Liam, and I were in the library joking around, when Alexi asked me to join him for a while. Clearly, Kai and Liam were not invited.
I followed Alexi upstairs to his office. Father Jacobs was seated in a wingback chair in front of Alexi’s desk, and there was an identical one sitting empty beside him.
“Alice, I presume?” Father Jacobs asked, standing and taking my hand.
“Yes, Father,” I said. “I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Likewise,” he countered. “Please, take a seat.”
I sat in the chair beside him, and he reached for my hands.
“May I?” he asked.
I nodded, and he took both of my hands in his. He looked at me curiously, and then he frowned thoughtfully.
“Yes, yes,” he said. “I can see what you mean, Alexi. I can feel it inside her. It’s growing within her.�
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“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“There’s a darkness growing inside you,” he explained. “I can feel it. In time, it will consume you.”
“Is there any way to stop it?” I wanted to know.
“Possibly,” he said. “But I’m not sure there is anything I can do for you personally.”
“Who can?” I asked.
“I’m not sure, but I can make some calls,” he answered honestly. “But there’s something else inside you, and I’m guessing it’s causing you a great deal of trouble.”
“What do you mean?”
“Alexi, would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes?” Father Jacobs implored.
Alexi cleared his throat uncomfortably. He was clearly unenthusiastic about leaving my side, even for a moment. But he nodded, and he backed slowly out of the room and closed the door.
“Alice, let me ask you something,” Father Jacobs said in a very quiet voice. “Do you have trouble with people… with men… falling in love with you inexplicably?”
My heart jumped inside my chest, and I rolled my eyes.
“You could say that,” I groaned.
“I thought so,” he said.
“Why?”
“You have another ability I’m guessing you are unaware of,” he explained. “One you probably use on a regular basis without realizing it.”
“And that is?”
“You can charm people… men, specifically. Possibly lesbians, too,” he told me.
“Charm. You mean, like some sort of magical spell or something?”
“Something like that, yes.”
Father Jacobs cleared his throat uncomfortably and shifted in his seat.
“You’re using it now,” he added.
“Oh, my goodness!” I gasped. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to stop.”
“I don’t imagine you would,” he said. “It’s quite alright. I understand. But you’re going to have to learn how to control it, or you’re going to cause a lot of damage to a lot of lives.”
Something lurched inside my stomach, and I suddenly felt very ill.
“Alice? Are you alright?” Father Jacobs asked. “You look pale.”
“I… I’m fine,” I stammered. “It’s just… does that mean the people I thought were in love with me… they’re just… charmed?”
“No, not necessarily, Alice,” he answered. “Some of them may have real feelings for you. But it’s likely those feelings began because of your ability to charm them.”
Although I was devastated to learn I’d been inadvertently charming people into loving me, I was also relieved to finally understand what had been happening to me.
“This explains so much,” I admitted. “You have no idea. I’ve had people falling in love with me after knowing me for no time at all, and I couldn’t understand why. It didn’t make sense. At least now I know why.”
“But I’m guessing this isn’t entirely good news for you,” Father Jacobs mused.
“Not really. I’m glad to understand this, don’t get me wrong. But…”
“But you’re worried that no one really loves you because of you, right?”
“Exactly,” I said, exhaling in relief because he understood.
“I think it’s going to be vitally important for you to learn how to control this ability. Until you do, you’re never going to know for sure how people really feel about you.”
“Does Alexi know?” I asked him.
“No. That’s why I sent him from the room. I didn’t think this was something you’d want him to hear. It might be something you would want to tell him yourself. Or not.”
“I don’t know who to tell, honestly. Maybe no one. I don’t know.”
“You’ll have to tell someone. You will need help learning how to control it. I don’t think you’ll be able to learn that on your own.”
“I’ll have to manage… at least for now.”
“Well, for now, there’s something more pressing at hand. Alexi!” he called.
Alexi instantly opened the door and breezed into the room.
“Alexi,” Father Jacobs said. “I’ve finished my assessment of young Alice. I need to make some calls in order to get her the help she needs.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” Alexi said. “You may use my telephone.”
Alexi motioned to the phone on his desk.
“Alice, it’s been a pleasure meeting you,” Father Jacobs told me.
“It’s been my pleasure,” I said. “And thank you.”
“Of course,” he returned, with a bow of his head.
I stood up and glanced at Alexi, who was standing sideways beside the door. Obviously, he was stepping aside to allow me to exit the room. I did so, and he followed, closing the door behind him to allow Father Jacobs some privacy to make his calls.
“Alexi, there’s something I think I need to tell you,” I said solemnly.
“If it was something you and Father Jacobs discussed, you do not have to discuss it with me if you would prefer not to,” Alexi said.
I sighed. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I knew I would have to at some point, but I had too much going on in my life to deal with that on top of everything else.
“We’ll talk later,” I told him.
“As you wish,” he said.
“I think I’m just going to go lie down in my room, if that’s alright.”
“Of course,” Alexi said. “I will escort you there.”
“That’s really not necessary.”
“I insist.”
“Fine,” I groaned.
Alexi walked me to my door. I thought he might follow me inside, but he actually let me go in and close the door behind me. I figured he’d be right outside the door, guarding over me like I was a prisoner.
I flopped down on my bed and threw my arm over my eyes. I was so frustrated with everything. Adding this complication on top of everything else was more than I thought I could deal with. To top it off, we had no idea when Dmitri might show up.
I thought I should stay awake, so I could be prepared in case he showed up. Then I figured I should sleep, because I didn’t want to be exhausted if we had to fight. Pretty soon, exhaustion won, and I drifted to sleep.
I don’t know how long I was out, but at some point I woke up with my stomach rumbling. This time, it wasn’t human food I was interested in. I realized I hadn’t fed in a very long time. I went to find Alexi to tell him I needed to feed.
As I walked down the hall, I heard voices inside a room. It sounded like an argument, and I crept closer to the door so I could hear what was happening. My breath was ragged and anxious as I listened at the door. It was barely cracked, but I could see Alexi and Liam inside having a heated discussion. I strained to hear their conversation.
“I just have to leave,” Liam said. “Now.”
“Why, Liam?” Alexi questioned. “Why now? Why so suddenly?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Alexi,” Liam responded.
“Why not? Liam, I am your brother. Just tell me what is going on!”
Liam paced anxiously back and forth, and Alexi followed him.
“I can’t!”
“If something is going on, just tell me! Maybe I can help,” Alexi pleaded.
“Not with this,” Liam said, shaking his head somberly.
“Damn it, Liam!” Alexi shouted, grabbing his brother firmly by the shoulders. “Let me help you! Tell me what is wrong!”
“I love her,” Liam said quietly.
I covered my mouth to suppress a gasp, and my eyes widened. After a pause, Alexi’s arms dropped. I could see his jaw clench.
“I didn’t want to tell you,” Liam told Alexi. “I told you I didn’t want to.”
“Get out,” Alexi growled through gritted teeth.
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” Liam agreed.
“Now,” Alexi demanded.
“I’m sorry, Alexi,” Liam said. “I never meant for this to happen. That’
s why I have to get out of here.”
“Have you told her?” Alexi snarled.
“Of course not,” Liam said. “I don’t want to complicate things for her further. She has enough to deal with already. And, of course, I wouldn’t do that to you, Alexi. You know that.”
“I do not know anything, anymore,” Alexi sighed.
“I’m going to leave,” Liam told him. “And I’m not coming back. I can’t be around her, and I’m not trying to mess things up for you.”
“But you love her,” Alexi said.
“Yes, which is why I’m leaving. I know telling her would only hurt her… and you. No good would come of it.”
“Alice?” I heard Kai’s voice in the hallway behind me.
Damn it! I thought.
Sure enough, Alexi and Liam turned, with horrified faces, to see me standing slack-jawed outside the door listening to the entire conversation. I slowly backed away from the door, and then I burst into a run and fled down the hallway.
I headed straight to my room and slammed the door behind me. This was the worst thing that could have happened. I’d rather have faced a thousand wraiths than what had just happened. I leaned my back against the door and sighed deeply.
My life was complicated enough, already. I thought I was deeply in love with Kai, and I had very strong feelings for Max, too. And then there was Alexi. He had loved me before we even met – through his father’s visions. We were betrothed, and I cared for him deeply. All of this was already far too complicated. It was made even more so by the recent revelation that I could somehow use an ability to charm people into believing they had feelings for me.
Why couldn’t I have one uncomplicated relationship? Why did everyone I meet seem to fall in love with me? Liam was the one person I thought I could really be friends with, without having to worry about hurting him or things becoming awkward. Now that was all over. I was about to lose the only real friend I had – the only one I could turn to and talk to and laugh with. The only uncomplicated thing in my life.
I hadn’t told anyone about my ability to charm, because I didn’t want to cause any issues with anyone. Now, it was looking more and more like I would have no choice.
