I barely registered that Ryder, Jude, and Beau were still there and talking to me. They were telling me how sorry they were and how much they wished my mother was free so they could give her back what she gave me, but I had a hard time concentrating with Kris’ arms around me.
After how hurt he was when I pushed him away, he still dropped everything for me and came rushing back when he heard I was hurt. I wanted him to be able to live his life with no guilt or regret, but I also knew that I wanted him to stay by my side and love me. I knew it was selfish…I was completely confused. My head said to let him go but my heart couldn’t follow through.
I didn’t know what would happen when he knew that not only did I know I was pregnant and had for a while, but that I had no intention of telling him about it, so I held onto him for as long as I could. I didn’t realize until he kissed my hair that it had gotten quiet in the room. I opened my eyes and noticed that the guys were gone. We were alone and I was scared as hell.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked so quietly I was almost whispering.
“Alan called Ryder. We came as soon as we could,” he answered, combing his fingers through my long hair.
“You didn’t have to come. I’m okay.”
Kris squeezed me tighter. “Jessie, are you fucking kidding me? There’s nowhere in the whole damned world I’d be rather than here with you right now. I just feel so fucking sick that I wasn’t here.”
“It’s not your fault you weren’t, it’s mine.”
“Well nothing is keeping me away again. Nothing,” he stated, letting me know that he wasn’t about to make this easy.
I sighed and decided to say nothing and savor this moment in his arms. It was going to be the last time I’d ever be here and I didn’t want it to end.
“So how are you really feeling? I’m already devastated about the baby and I’ve only known for a few hours. This must be agony for you, baby,” he said.
“Yeah.” That was all I could say.
“So, how long had you known?” Kris asked softly. “I mean, I know when we were together last and that was a while ago. I’m sure you would have called me if you’d known sooner, right?”
I froze. My mouth went dry and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
“Jess?”
I struggled to take a deep breath and fought back the urge to vomit.
“How long had you known?” he repeated, his voice dropping an octave.
I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach; this was it. I’d never lied to him, and I wasn’t about to start now.
“Since about two weeks after you left,” I confessed.
Kris went rigid in the bed and stiffened beside me. “Jessie, that was almost four months ago.”
I hung my head as I pulled away from him. “I know.”
“Wait a minute. Let me see if I heard this right. You knew you were pregnant that whole time and never thought to call me?” he asked, hurt rampant in his voice.
I couldn’t look at him because I was a coward.
“I’m sorry.”
Kris scooted away from me but was still sitting on the bed.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
Tears burned my eyes and flowed steadily down my cheeks. I sniffed hard and fought back the rising bile in my throat.
“Were you?”
This was going to hurt…
“No.”
It was quiet for the three longest seconds of my whole life and I felt him rise off the bed. I looked up and found him across the room, staring at me like he’d never been hurt so badly in his entire life. I was sure that he hadn’t been.
“W-why?”
I took a shaky breath.
“Because it would have ruined your life. I want the best for you and being saddled with some girl and a kid would have destroyed everything you and the guys had worked for.”
“Unbelievable,” he muttered. “Don’t give me that shit! I can’t believe that you would ever think that you were just ‘some girl’ to me. You are the only girl, Jess,” he said angrily. “Jesus fucking Christ, don’t you get it? I love you, damn it, and we could have given this baby everything!”
More tears flowed uncontrollably down my face.
“I’m so sorry. I just wanted to do what was right and set you free.”
“How can you setting me free be what is right for anyone? Did it occur to you that maybe I didn’t want to be free? Maybe I wanted you with me?”
“I wanted that too, Kris, but…”
“But nothing, Jess! I have been fucking miserable without you!”
He was shaking with anger and walked across the room to my bed and leaned over me. He took a few deep breaths as he seemed to reign in his rage.
“After all we’ve been through together, I would never have thought in a million years that you would find out you were pregnant with my kid and deliberately not tell me. I don’t care what the reason behind it was, it was wrong of you to keep that from me.”
My eyes roamed down to my hands, which were fidgeting with the blanket.
“I know.”
“I would have come back to you. I would have gotten you and our baby out of this place,” he spat angrily.
“I know you would have, and that’s why I wasn’t going to tell you. This would have ruined your life.”
“God damn it, Jess!” he shouted, causing me to jump. My whole body hurt from that simple movement. “Having a family with you wouldn’t have ruined my life. Being without you has!”
“You’re wrong.”
He was quiet and shaking with anger as I sat in my hospital and cried unstoppable tears.
“I should hate you…” he started, and I started to sob even more.
“I know,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.
“I really should. But I just can’t,” he answered, and I looked back up at him. He was standing and was running his hand through his messy, disheveled hair before he leaned down again.
Kris sat down next to me and gently took my face in his hands. Staring into my eyes, he whispered roughly, “I love you, Jess. I’m not giving up on us. We will get through this.”
I reached up and wrapped my hands around his wrists. I wanted this, wanted him, so much. But I couldn’t let him give up everything he’d worked hard for just to stay with me. It was selfish of me to ask him of that and I wasn’t going to tag along behind him like a lost puppy. Even though I wanted nothing more than to be forever in his arms, I had to stick to my guns. I was worthless; nothing. The sooner he realized that the better things would be for him.
“I love you too, Kris, so much, but this doesn’t change anything. It can’t change.”
“Jess,” he began to plead, but I stopped him.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you, but Kris, sometimes love just isn’t enough. I’m not enough.”
“How the fuck can you say that?” He glared at me with tears brimming in his eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because this is never going to work!” I shouted. “You proved my point by racing back when you heard I was hurt. You dropped everything to come back here and this is not what I wanted for you!”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Crystal almost beat you to death and killed our child! How the fuck can you think I wouldn’t come back for you?”
“Kris, please don’t make this any harder than it already is,” I cried.
I tried to wiggle out of Kris’ grip, but held my face as tight as he could without hurting me. “Don’t do this,” he demanded.
“Please let me go,” I whispered, tears pouring down my face.
“I love you,” he said softly. The tears that were threatening to fall were now gliding down his cheeks.
I tried to pull away again but he wasn’t giving up and before I could say anything his lips crashed against mine.
I whimpered and opened my mouth to say stop, but his tongue darted across my bottom lip and lightly touched mine. I could taste both of
our tears as I let him in.
This kiss was obviously an attempt to get me to back down and no matter how badly I wanted to I wasn’t going to give in. However, I wanted to stay in this moment with him forever but the longer this dragged on, the more I wanted to hang on and let him stay. He needed to be rid of all of this badness here, me included.
I was about to pull away from him but before I could, he surprised me and stopped the kiss first. He still had tears in his eyes as he reluctantly let go of my face. He stood up from the bed and moved toward the door. He looked back and glanced at me, his expression blank.
“Kris?” I asked, knowing that this might be the last time I’d ever see him.
“I had to do that at least one more time. Take care of yourself,” he said quietly, and with those last words he left my hospital room without a backward glance.
When the door closed and I was left all alone, I looked around the hospital room and realized that I truly was on my own from now on. I had no one anymore and I had no one to blame but myself. I lay back in the bed and cried to myself over what I’d lost and what I’d purposely given up. I did all of this to myself and now I would have to forever live with the knowledge that my baby was dead and the love of my life would never speak to me again…and it was all my own fault.
Chapter 9
Kris
One Year Later
Sleep.
Eat.
Play a show.
Fuck a groupie.
Drink myself back to sleep.
Repeat.
That had been my routine for the past year since I’d been without Jess and tonight was no exception. I was balls deep inside some random girl and was nearing the finish line when I suddenly heard a loud bang on the bathroom door.
“You ready to go on yet, man?” Beau yelled through the door as he banged on it hard. “This crowd is getting pretty antsy.”
The brunette groupie that I’d picked out as my cock warmer for the night was moaning and panting as I pounded into her from behind. I had her bent over the bathroom sink and was almost about to get my rocks off. The pounding on the door distracted me and I had to thrust harder to get my concentration back.
“Give me a fucking minute!” I growled and gripped the girl’s hips tighter as I fucked her as hard and fast as I could. I didn’t give a damn if she was enjoying any of this; I was just trying to forget for a few minutes how I’d had my heart ripped out and stomped on by the only girl I’d ever loved.
When I finished I quickly pulled out of her and tossed the condom I was wearing into the trash can next to the toilet. I tucked my dick back into my pants and smacked her on the ass.
“I’ve got to go,” I mumbled to her as I pulled open the door.
“You want to hook up again after the show?” she asked, smoothing out her super short skirt.
I looked at her and wondered in that moment why the hell I’d picked this girl. I knew it was sick, but when I was picking out a girl to fuck for the night, I always ended up going for blue-eyed brunettes. None of them were the one I wanted though…
“Nah, I’m cool, but thanks.” I started to buckle my belt and turned away from her.
I could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head and I turned to find her shooting daggers at me with her eyes.
“Are you kidding me?” she pouted. “You’re just going to fuck me for a few minutes in a grungy bathroom and that’s it?”
I rolled my eyes at her and sighed.
“Seriously? You’re going to stand here and be pissed at me right now? You knew me for all of ten minutes before you let me bring you in here and bend you over the sink. You obviously knew what this was so don’t stand there being a judgmental bitch when just a few minutes ago you were bent over and had those legs spread for me.”
She gasped and before I could react she moved lightning fast and slapped my face hard. “Go fuck yourself,” she screamed as she left the room.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my drumsticks off the table in the dressing room as I stepped out into the hallway to meet up with my band brothers. They were all standing against the wall with their arms crossed. None of them said a word to me as I walked past them down the hall and to the entrance to the stage.
They followed behind me and as we all took our places, I sat down on the stool behind my drum kit and could feel all of their eyes on me. I looked up at them and was annoyed to find them all staring at me like I’d done something wrong.
“What is it?” I snapped.
Ryder slid the strap of his guitar over his shoulder and glared at me.
“Really, Kris? What the fuck is your problem?”
“What do you mean? I don’t have a god damned problem. My life is fucking perfect!” I yelled.
“You’re being a fucking dick and you have been ever since-”
“Ever since the girl I loved pushed me away for the second time about an hour after I found out that our baby, that I didn’t know about and was never going to be told about by the way, was dead?”
Beau shook his head and sighed. “Kris-”
“What? I just said it so you didn’t have to. And I’m not being a dick. I’m just living my life like a fucking rock star. I mean, this is what she wanted for me, right?”
Jude ran a hand over his Mohawk and frowned. “Kris, we’re just worried, all right?”
I rolled my eyes as I heard the roar of the crowd get louder as they chanted the band’s name. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. You just keep playing your bass and chasing tail. I can take care of myself.”
Before Jude or the others could reply, I twirled my drumsticks in my fingers and began to hit the bass drum with my foot. Our first song of every set was one that always began with me doing a drum solo that built so the crowd would be amped. The guys followed suit and began to play on cue and right before the curtain dropped, Ryder tossed one more contentious glance at me over his shoulder and silently let me know that this discussion wasn’t over. I didn’t really care if he wanted to talk to me about it or not because I was over listening to anyone’s bullshit.
The curtain dropped down, exposing us to the amped up crowd, and my problems ceased to exist in that moment as I played my heart out for our fans.
Over the past year, we’d gotten a huge following after touring with Sticks and Stones and had attracted more of a crowd for our sets than theirs. We’d officially signed on with Steve Roberts as our manager and had done a kick ass job of promoting Bad Blooded Rebel to all the right people after our meeting in New York City, we had officially signed a multi-million dollar record deal with Bulldoze Records. The ink was barely dry before the owners of the label were booking studio time, gave us our own security guards (one of them was a huge hulk of a guy named John that had to have been ex-military), and planned a huge tour with Eternal Down, another band they’d recently signed.
Professionally, my life was perfect. Personally on the other hand? That was a way different story. Ever since the last time I saw Jess, I had purposely gone out of my way to be the carbon copy of what a rocker should be. Different girl every night, endless parties, and the alcohol was always flowing. She wanted me to be free to live a rock star’s dream, so that’s was I was hell bent on doing.
When I received my signing bonus, while the other guys were buying houses or cars, the first thing I thought of was how badly I wanted to spend it to get Jess out of the slums like I’d always planned to. Instead, I put it all in the bank and just let it sit there and draw interest. Everything I needed was taken care of by the label while I was on tour and when it was over, I’d probably just rent some furnished apartment somewhere until the next time we all went out on the road again. I honestly didn’t care where I lived because without Jessie beside me, nowhere felt like home.
The money was just a perk that I didn’t give a fuck about anymore. I loved the music and playing in front of thousands of fans and it was one dream I’d had for as long as I could remember. The only reason I wanted any money f
rom this was so I could take care of Jess. I was still so angry at her for pushing me away not once, but twice, and admitting she had no intention of telling me that we’d conceived a child. However, if she were to show up tonight and knock on my hotel room door asking for another chance, I’d give it to her in a minute. All of the pain and hurt would be totally forgotten the second I wrapped my arms around her.
Despite all of the soul-crushing pain of being without her, I still missed her so much and wanted her back.
I was lost without her.
As the tour dragged on, the days turned into weeks and as time passed my nightly routine had began to get stale. As many girls I tried to get warmth from or whatever I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle, nothing was dulling the ache I felt from Jessie’s absence.
I stopped paying attention to what city I was in because in all honesty, it didn’t matter to me. Ryder was the lead singer so he was responsible for stoking the crowds and telling the fans in whatever city we were in that we were so glad to be there and it was the best city in the world. When he said my name on stage and the spotlight was on me, all I needed to do was deliver a killer drum solo and that was that. There was no thought involved, which was good for me. Thinking was dangerous.
Before I knew it we were rolling into another town. Steve was busy getting us checked into the hotel and the rest of the guys were still lying on their bunks. I looked out the windows of the tour bus and tried to see if I recognized any landmarks that would tell me where we were. I looked around and chuckled to myself. I had no fucking idea where we were.
The door to the bus opened and Steve walked on. As he was giving everyone their room keys, I asked to no one in particular, “Where the hell are we?”
“We’re in Cincinnati,” Ryder answered, looking at me like I’d grown three heads. “It’s our big homecoming show tonight.”
I sighed and rubbed my hands over the rough stubble on my chin. Fuck…I’d completely forgotten about coming home and I hadn’t realized it was happening so soon.
[Bad Blooded Rebel Series 06] - Deeper Page 13
