Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller

by Demelza Carlton

  Part 15

  "Are you sure you’ll be okay?" Nathan asked, looking worried. I surveyed the remains of my breakfast tray. Only the cereal was untouched, just like yesterday.

  He’d switched the TV on and there was a movie on that I hadn’t seen yet. He seemed antsy to leave, so I did my best to look capable as I replied, "Sure. I’ll survive ‘til you come back to feed me my next meal."

  If I could have crossed my fingers, I would have. I felt a peculiar sense of panic that he was deserting me so soon – only a day after I was fully awake. I needed to know that he’d be back.

  Nathan smiled. "I wouldn’t miss it."

  My heart relaxed. "See you when you get back, then," I said lightly, forcing my eyes to the TV screen.

  Nathan said some form of goodbye and left, looking as reluctant as I felt.

  He’d been gone for maybe two minutes before a nurse came in. "Hi," she said. "I don’t know if you remember me – I’m Judith. We worked together a little when you were on prac."

  I looked at her and she did look vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t remember much about her. "Were you the one who told me about the food in the dining room?" I guessed.

  Judith smiled. "Recommending you try the day’s curry and avoid the fish and chips? That sounds like me." She held up a piece of paper. "Your friend wanted me to ask you to ring her, whenever your sleazy roommate was out. Now your guard is phoning in his daily report, he won’t hear me."

  I brightened. "I have a guard? Nathan didn’t just leave me here alone."

  She laughed. "No, he has a host of his muscly mates standing guard in the corridor, watching everyone like bouncers do." She cleared her throat, offering the paper to me.

  I leaned over to read the writing. I recognised Jo’s name and number. I looked up at Judith. "She wants to come and visit?"

  She winked. "Yes, but when he’s not around. I’ll help you dial."

  She pressed the buttons and helped me cradle the receiver between my cheek and my shoulder. "I’ll be in and out, making your bed and changing your linen, so I’ll be back in a minute, okay?" she said and I nodded, the phone ringing in my ear.

  "Mmm, hello?" Jo yawned.

  "Good morning," I replied.

  "OH! You’re up! I’ll be right there! Oh…wait…here’s Jason. He can keep you company on the phone 'til I get there." The phone crackled as the receiver was passed over.

  "Good morning, beautiful," Jason teased. I looked around. Judith must have gone to get fresh sheets.

  "Shut up, Jason. I definitely don’t feel it today."

  "Ah, you’re always beautiful, no matter what you’re wearing. Is it one of those skimpy hospital gowns that show off your arse?" he said lazily, in the voice that made other girls pat their hair and check to see they were showing enough cleavage.

  My response was a little different. "Fuck off. My arse is none of your business, nor is what I’m wearing. They’ve got me wrapped up like a mummy, for reasons I have yet to find out. You should stay away from the hospital or I’ll set the nurses on you. They’ve already decided they don’t like my roommate. They’d probably stake you outside for the bandicoots."

  Jason laughed. He never did believe me. An endless bloody optimist toward relationships, he was the biggest pessimist when it came to music, work or anything else. "Not even for your birthday?"

  I realised I didn’t know what day it was. "How long ‘til my birthday?"

  He laughed again. "They must be giving you some really good drugs at the hospital. Your birthday’s next week. I was going to give you the best present ever – me in my birthday suit."

  I suppressed the thought of him naked. Once I might have thought of him in the way he wanted, but that was when I was much younger. "Cool, you do that. I could do with a laugh. Bring a magnifying glass with you – I need a new practice dummy for tae kwan do."

  I waited for that to sink in. I’d used him as a punching bag once when I was still at school and I hoped he remembered. I’d had a couple of drinks of vodka at his birthday party and decided to give him a birthday kiss. He'd stuck his clumsy tongue in my mouth, his groping hand up my shirt and his horny hips against mine. I hoped he still hurt from my drunken self-defence. I’d kneed him so hard I think I’d have broken his boner, if it’d had bones in more than name.

  His next laugh sounded forced. "Okay, maybe a different present, then, but not as good."

  "Yeah, whatever," I replied, losing interest. I wondered when Judith would be back to help me end the call.

  "So, when do you think you’ll be ready to play again?" Jason blurted out, as if that’s what he really wanted to ask.

  I looked at my gauzy hands. "A month," I decided. It’d take a fair few finger exercises to get my hands back to normal after they’d healed, but I could get by with just a keyboard for most gigs, if we stayed away from the songs where I had to pick up a guitar.

  "Fuck! A whole month?"

  "I hurt my hands. They need to heal. In a month I’ll probably have a few new songs for you to learn, too. That’ll take you a while," I replied.

  "New ones? Ah, I got us a gig playing in one of the pubs in Freo – regular Saturday nights. As soon as you’re old enough, you can be in, too," he said, sounding generous.

  I snorted. "As soon as I’m eighteen, I’ll be telling you where we have our gigs, as well as what to play. It’s my band, Jason, even if I can’t play in pubs ‘til after next week. Don’t you forget it. Or you’ll have pleckies where your nipples should be."

  I forgot Jason liked kinky stuff. "Any time you like, baby."

  Fuck. "Call me baby one more time and I’ll shove your guitar up your arse." I felt my body shudder as the shadow of a dark dream crossed my mind. A throwaway statement now held horrible memories. I forced myself to focus on the phone conversation and nothing else.

  "And on that note, I’ll leave you to think about my tight arse…and see you later!" He hung up.

  Fucking Jason. He was a decent singer and a good guitarist, but a hellishly horny human being. The day I got with him would be the day before I killed myself, and the day after all of hell’s demons had a career change selling ice cream, fresh from the ice caves of hell. He might be Jo’s brother, but I thought he’d sing better if he didn’t think with his balls.

  Judith came in maybe a moment later. "All done?" She smiled. "I brought you a fresh nightie. Let’s get you changed before Mr Sleazy gets back."

  I knew she was talking about Nathan, but if she’d met Jason, she wouldn’t have worried.

  Part 16

  Dark – Chris – Angel – Baby – Apple

  He swallowed, sounding nervous. "If I…stay where you can see me but I can't touch you, will you lie down? You need to recover. You'll need your strength." He moved a few metres away, sitting cross-legged on the concrete with his torch on me.

  I lay down again, my eyes never leaving him. "Why would you help me?" I demanded again.

  "Because I didn't ask to do this. None of this was my idea. I woke up in the back of that car maybe half an hour before you came by."

  "But you're going along with it. Bondage, like out of some stupid erotica book," I responded furiously.

  "I tied you loosely and took the card from your bag. I slipped it into your pocket, before they made me throw the bag out the window." His voice dropped lower. "Your name's Caitlin, right?"

  I started at the sound of my name. "How'd you know?"

  "Your driver's licence, Caitlin."

  I stayed silent for a moment, but the urge to speak won. "Don't. My name is for my friends. You're not my friend. You're someone I'm going to kill."

  "I have to call you something. Baby?"

  The laughter in his voice set my teeth on edge. "Fuck you. Call me that and I'll strangle you with my bare hands."

  "Angel? It's written on the front of your shirt."

  My shirt says I'm no angel, stupid. I didn't say it. "Fine," I said instead.

  "Do you want some Panadol for your headach
e, angel?"

  It sounded like a caress or an endearment, the way he said it. Sleazy bastard. "Yes," I admitted.

  He stretched out his arm and placed an open plastic box in the torch beam beside me. "It's fruit. Eat something first." He dropped two pills on the plastic lid, sticking it on the floor next to the box.

  I ate a couple of pieces of apple before I washed the pills down with my last mouthful of juice.

  He said nothing.

  I broke the silence. "Why am I here? What do you want from me?"

  I could hear the fear in his voice. "I don't know."

  Part 17

  The knock at the door surprised me. I looked up, expecting to see Judith.

  "Good morning. Are you decent?" Jo’s voice startled me, as she peered around the door with a smile.

  Probably not, but there’s not much I can do about it, I thought. Instead, I tried to smile and told her to come in.

  She came straight to the bed and gave me a one-armed hug, a plastic bag in her other hand. Then she perched on the bed near my feet and said conspiratorially, "I brought presents!" as she dumped the plastic bag in front of me.

  "Oooh, what?" I asked, curious. Please don’t let it be a bottle of Passion Pop.

  She started pulling things out of the bag. "Chocolate, those sherbet things you like...I wasn’t sure if you’d get any of your stuff from home, with your Dad still up north for a few more weeks, so I picked up a few things from the shop that I thought you’d need. Pyjamas and some underwear." She pulled out a pair of satin pyjamas and a couple of pairs of knickers, all with the tags still on. She laid them on the bed. "A brush and some bathroom stuff. Including this." She held out an electric toothbrush, still in the packaging, looking triumphant.

  I stared at the pink electric toothbrush, its handle in the shape of a Disney princess, trying not to remember my last attempt to brush my teeth. I’d managed to get the brush into my mouth, but that was about it. Asking Nathan for help had proved even more disastrous – after the first time he’d almost choked me, he hadn’t been game to help me brush more than my front teeth. With an electric toothbrush, I might be able to brush my own teeth.

  I looked up at her again, more grateful than I could say. "Thank you."

  She smiled nervously at my strange tone. "They only had kids’ battery toothbrushes, so it was Disney princesses or Dora the Explorer. I thought you’d prefer a princess one. This one’s Aurora, Sleeping Beauty." It came out all in a rush.

  I laughed weakly. "Yep, I guess that’s me. It’s a wonder I woke up at all." With that sobering thought, all hope of laughter died.

  "At least you’re looking better," Jo said quickly, with a forced smile. "Where’s your gallant hero this morning? Off polishing his sword?" Her face was set, so I knew she was going to rant. "Oh, come on. The half-crazed look in his eyes, full of guilt for what he did to you, and the anguish he’s causing you now by sticking around? You’re barely a shadow of yourself – what did he do to you?"

  Nothing. He did nothing. I didn’t bother opening my mouth – once she got into stride, she’d keep going 'til she ran out of breath. I waited, my eyes on the earrings she’d put in – one upside down, one sideways. She must have left home in a hurry.

  "Caitlin, please! You cry at the drop of a hat, and there he is, saying nonsensical things like, ‘It’s all over now,’ when it never will be, not until you get rid of him." She paused again. "The bruises on your face are fading. You’re starting to look almost normal now. At least he isn’t hitting you any more."

  I let the words wash over me without really hearing them, but she knew me too well to let me get away with it for long. She brought her face so close to mine I couldn’t focus on it. "It’s lucky that he found you when he did."

  When I met her eyes, she continued, "It’s incredibly lucky that he was walking on that bit of beach just after you were dumped there. It couldn’t be a coincidence – he knew you’d be dumped there, didn’t he? He was one of them."

  I sighed. I had to say something. "I was lucky he was there."

  "It’s all right, you can tell me. I know he was one of them." She looked feverishly eager.

  Is she talking aliens and conspiracy theories? "One of them?"

  "One of the ones who hurt you," she said slowly. She looked expectant.

  Now I can say something. Now she’ll hear me. "Nathan never hurt me."

  She snorted. "What, you’re telling me none of this hurt when he did it?" She pointed at my hands and the dressings on my wrists. "When he cut you, when he tied you up, when he broke your fingers, when he raped you…"

  The tears started, part anger and part pain. My anger packed more power into my voice than I’d intended. "No! He never did anything like that. He couldn’t do that to me...He would never..."

  "You didn’t always see the face of the man who was hurting you, did you?" Jo demanded.

  My voice died to a whisper. "I don’t have to see his face or know his name to know who he is, Jo. He’s not one of the men who hurt me."

  Nathan advanced into the room, as if he’d been listening outside and couldn’t stay out any longer. I found I felt grateful for his presence.

  He said something to her, but I didn’t hear it.

  She opened her mouth to deliver an angry reply, but I shook my head slightly. I lifted my hand to wave goodbye. She returned the wave and left without another word.

  I settled into Nathan’s comforting embrace and let the tears flow until they ran dry. Anger and pain drained out of me with the salt water, leaving a contemplative calm.

  I lifted my head from his chest to help him wipe my face and a flash of pink caught my eye. The electric toothbrush. I could have clean teeth again! I smiled through my tears.

  Part 18

  Carol bustled in with an armload of dressing packs. "Time to change your dressings. Let’s see how you’re healing up!" She smiled for all she was worth, but her eyes told me she was putting a positive spin on something she liked as little as I did. She didn’t want to see my wounds, either.

  I felt sorry for her, but I was happy to see her. It was a relief to know both the ward and the hospital I’d been sent to, not to mention see a familiar face in uniform. "Hi, Carol. Of all the wards to bring me to, I ended up in yours."

  Her cheery smile didn’t reach her eyes. She was trying to tell me something without words. "Of course. St Elsie's is the best hospital and we're its best ward. We had to fight for you, but we traded a couple of sporting injury patients to the other wards to keep you."

  Sporting injury patients went to the day surgery. In and out in a day, such patients were rarely sent to a ward at all. Fight for me? Oh… perhaps she meant they'd fight for me if they had to. It was a sweet thought, but I couldn’t allow any of the capable nurses on this ward to stand in the way of a bastard who wanted to kill me.

  What if one of them killed him before I could?

  I forced a laugh. "You just wanted fewer names to learn at handover."

  Carol laughed easily as if my joke had been funny. "You know it. Actually, while you were asleep there have been some very interesting men in the ward keeping guard over you. I almost thought about asking them to pull out their weapons…" I saw her eyes drift in Nathan’s direction before coming back to me. Mr Sleazy Roommate had been busy, charming the nurses in the ward while I slept, and she was trying to warn me.

  Nathan looked worried. I realised there was something he didn’t want me to know, so I feigned ignorance. "I have guards?"

  "Sure, a different police officer every day, like some sort of desk calendar. They make sure you don’t have any unwelcome visitors. Plus…" This time her glance at Nathan was more obvious. Had he told the staff that he was my boyfriend, so that they’d let him stay?

  I stared at him, wondering if he’d really done something so silly. There was more he wasn’t telling me. As he averted his eyes, I wondered how much of it I already knew.

  I remembered something and tried not to smile as I spok
e. "I thought you had a new man – Scott. How does he stack up against the desk calendar guys, or is he out of the picture now?"

  "I’m still with Scott, but that doesn’t mean I can’t look…" Carol drifted off and so did my thoughts.

  She broke my reverie. "So, where do we start?" She had a hand on the curtain and another question in her eyes. She wanted to know whether I wanted the curtain pulled across, so Nathan didn’t see.

  I gave a slight shake of my head and shrugged. "What does it matter? I guess it’s time for me to see what they’ve done to me," I replied, too tired to keep up the cheerful tone.

  My eyes met Carol’s as her hands hovered over me, staying close to my thigh. I nodded, knowing she’d deal with the worst wound first. I braced myself as she ripped the dressing off as carefully as she could. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.

  "Fuck, that looks bad!" I burst out.

  There was a deep hole in my leg. The nasty, gaping wound had been sliced open further with a scalpel and then stitched closed, before it had started to heal, but the scar was going to show for the rest of my life. No bloody wonder it hurt to walk. I shouldn’t be on that until the stitches were out.

  Carol’s eyes met mine, hurting for me.

  "A skin graft over that would help hide the scar," she said reassuringly, as if I didn’t already know that. I wondered why it hadn’t already been done.

  The truth dawned on me as I looked at the gauze shroud I’d been enveloped in. "But where would you take the graft from? Everywhere is…" A shroud I could still be buried in…oh shit. Tears formed and fell, as if I had no control over my own bloody body any more.

  "Hey, that’s the worst of your wounds. The rest are healing up nicely. You’ll see." Ever the professional, Carol tried to reassure me as she continued. She smoothed the new dressing down and moved to the next one. I barely felt the rip, making me wonder if my pain relief dose was still high. I watched as she worked, counting the wounds hidden under the white.