Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller

by Demelza Carlton

  Jason flew in on Thursday morning, asking happily who he got to share a room with.

  Jo sweetly told him he had the couch. I heard her pull him aside and warn him not to make the slightest come-on to me, for fear of his life.

  The rest of the day we spent rehearsing Necessary Evil, my new song. Jo had insisted, I’d been pleased and Jason didn’t dare argue. I caught him humming the quirky chorus a few times at dinner, which meant it was catchy enough to stick in his head. I hoped it’d have the same effect on other people when they saw our live TV appearance the following night. If not, we’d be wasting our time and my money in the recording studio next week.

  That night, I locked my bedroom door and made sure the knife stayed under my pillow, in easy reach. Jason tried the door after Jo had gone to sleep, but the lock held.

  Every night, I missed Nathan, counting the days ‘til I could go home.

  If he did his training in Canberra while I lived in Melbourne, surely I could still see him. It was only a few hours’ drive. We’d make it work, if he wanted.

  Please, Nathan...I want you to want me.

  Part 84

  "Can I call you Jay? Tell me a bit about your band. I've never heard of you before and this is my first interview. I used to do the weather for the news before Today Tonight…" the girl positively gushed.

  I touched up my dark lipstick, my equally dark smile keeping the makeup artists at bay. I was still getting used to the gothic style makeup, but it seemed to be effective. They'd been advertising my interview with Nathan all week, with shots of me smiling and looking scared. Some of the ads talked up the mystery man from the newspaper, a big question mark over Nathan's blurred photograph. If anyone was going to recognise me, surely it was the network's own staff.

  "Miss?"

  I regarded the wardrobe supervisor without speaking.

  "Do you need any assistance with makeup or wardrobe? They're waiting for you in Studio 3."

  I nodded. "This will be fine." I glanced at Jason, who was still flirting with the anchor girl.

  "I can't wait to hear it," she said with a giggle.

  I wondered if there was an IQ test for news anchors. Surely the girl couldn't be as stupid as she sounded. No one could be…

  With one final spritz of Jo's hair, her makeup artist smiled. "All ready to go."

  A black-clad man gave me feelings of déjà vu as he gestured the way to the studio. I stalked forward, regretting the combat boots Jo had talked me into. They were a nightmare to walk in. I consoled myself with the thought that I could kick a hole in any man's groin while wearing the platform-soled, knee-high monstrosities.

  Fuck YOU boots.

  After so many hours of playing this song to heal my hands, I could barely wait for Jo to set the beat before I launched into the intro.

  Jason sang better than he had in any of our rehearsals – only one tiny mistake, which even I barely noticed. Perhaps it was the little fangirl of a news anchor he kept winking at throughout the performance. She squealed as she applauded at the end.

  I felt sick just watching her, but she completely ignored me. She had eyes and ears only for Jay – and for one more wink she'd probably give him the rest of her body, too.

  Jo and I had a coffee in the green room afterwards, watching Jason's interview on the screens. The flirty bastard looked like he was ready to jump the poor girl on the interview couch, cameras rolling and all. He ended the interview with a showy kiss to her hand, like something out of a romance novel. She fanned herself with her other hand as if he gave her the vapours. She was too young for it to be hot flushes.

  "Looks like you have competition," Jo said softly.

  I looked at her in disbelief. "Jo, you know I don't want your brother."

  She looked pained. "I know you keep saying that, but somehow I figured that one day you'd change your mind. He's not a bad person and he's been obsessed with you since he met you, back in primary school."

  I shook my head. "Maybe that's the way it would've been, but things are different now. I'll never be the same and I'll never be happy with Jason." I looked at her sad expression and winked. "Come on, if I loved both Nathan and Jason, we'd have one of those fucked-up love triangle things that only happen in books. This is real life, not a story for teenagers."

  "We're adults, but we're still teenagers," she pointed out.

  I shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, but…"

  "Come on, you two, after all that playing I need a shower," Jason interrupted, a cheerful grin on his face as he hefted his guitar case. The rest of our gear was packed into the trolley he pushed in front of him.

  "So, did you get her phone number?" I asked nastily.

  Jason looked smug. "Yep. Phone number, a date for tonight and an offer to stay at her place when she heard you were making me sleep on a couch." He seemed uncertain at my shock. "I'll cancel if you promise to come instead." Jason's smile crept back. "Yeah, pun intended."

  I considered the offer. I really did. He meant it. "No, Jason. You have a great night and we'll see you tomorrow some time." I meant it, too.

  I didn't see him tomorrow. Neither Jo nor I saw him for three days – until we reached Tullamarine Airport, just before our flight home to Perth. He looked like he hadn't slept much, but he didn't look upset about it, either.

  "The studio got thousands of messages after our performance," he told us as we lined up to check in.

  They recognised me. I'll never play live again. Shit.

  "Did people like our song that much?" Jo asked brightly.

  "Ah, mostly they liked me," Jason admitted proudly. "The rest of them hated Paige. They said some really horrible stuff about her. And most of them were teenagers."

  "Paige?"

  "The girl I met at the TV studio. The one who interviewed us," Jason explained. He turned red.

  The next One Direction. Oh, fuck.

  I started to laugh. "Way to go, Jason! You're the cream of the jailbait fangirls, if they're sending death threats to your girlfriend!"

  He didn't look so happy after that.

  If life were like a book, I'd have felt jealous, surely. Instead, I simply shrugged. "As long as they buy the CD, the fangirls are all yours, Jason. We'll put a photo of you on the cover."

  I'd had enough media exposure to last a lifetime. Jason was welcome to it – fans included.

  Part 85

  We arrived early, so we both took a seat in the back of the church to watch the wedding. All the family seemed to be the groom's and there were no bridesmaids – just a grumpy little flower girl, dressed up like a doll-sized version of her mother. I envied the bride her beauty and her breasts, her happiness and her loving husband.

  "Those boobs are huge. I bet he can't wait to get her out of her wedding dress," Jason whispered loudly.

  I glared at him, but didn't say anything.

  "Please rise to welcome Mr and Mrs Fisher!" the priest called out and I rose along with the Fishers' invited guests.

  As the couple passed out of the church, her eyes met mine. Hers held sympathy for my sadness, as if she knew me and she shared similar pain. She inclined her head to me and I responded in kind. Then she turned away, stepping into the sunlight outside with her new husband. I remained in the darkness, where I belonged.

  I kept checking my watch as four o'clock approached, wondering if I should have told Nathan to meet me in the church instead of just giving him the address. A church on a Saturday afternoon meant weddings like the one I'd just witnessed – I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

  Marriage is not what I have in mind.

  "Do you think the boobs were real?" Jason asked in a normal voice, now we were alone in the church.

  "Weren't you going to go to reconciliation?" I replied, irritated. I should never have told him about my meeting with Nathan.

  "What, and desert you before your boyfriend turns up to break up with you? I'm here to keep you company and be your moral support. A shoulder to cry on and all that shit." His w
icked smile didn't charm me any more. He just wanted to see me say goodbye to Nathan, I was sure.

  From the shadows, I could see the wedding party outside, taking photographs on the steps. Movement on the footpath drew my attention and I moved into the foyer for a closer look.

  Nathan scanned the wedding guests, as if looking for me. The anguish on his face told me more than anything else he could say. He'd made his decision and he was going to hurt me for the first time. I froze, not wanting to move. I wanted to remain in the dark and not know the truth, if only for a few moments more.

  He stepped inside, from daylight to darkness, and he didn't seem to see me standing at his side. I reached for his hand, hoping it wouldn't be the last time. He pulled back, as if the contact was unwelcome, splashing his hand into the holy water font. I helped him cross himself with the water, babbling about baptism and other things I'd learned in religious education at school. I wasn't sure I believed in any religion any more. Not my mother's Islam, nor Dad's Catholicism.

  Feeling shaky already, I made some excuse to lead Nathan deeper into the church so I could sit down. Years of Catholic schooling had trained me well, though, and I dropped to my knees instead of sitting in the pew. Once down, I didn't want to rise. Eventually, my babbling died as I ran down.

  I glanced at Jason. He bowed his head as if in prayer, letting his long hair fall forward to hide the gleeful smile on his face. His hair was longer than mine. He looked like a ranger out of a Tolkien novel, instead of my sleazy lead singer.

  Fuck off, I mouthed at him. This conversation was hard enough without an audience.

  Ceremoniously, he ascended from his genuflection to march down the aisle, piously keeping his eyes on the stained glass behind the altar. I didn't say a word until he'd closed the door of the confessional behind him.

  Now alone with Nathan, I still couldn't bring myself to ask him – and start the conversation I dreaded would end in goodbye.

  Once more, Nathan came to my rescue.

  "Caitlin, I’m so sorry."

  I turned to see he knelt beside me. "Chris…" I hadn't said the name aloud since that night in the toilet, but it held more meaning than any name should. I summoned all my courage. I needed to know. "Why did you do it, Nathan?"

  "It was my job to watch them kidnap someone and get out with the witness. But I didn’t – couldn’t – didn’t know what they’d done to you until that night on the beach. Then it was too late. I’d let them hurt you like that and I hadn’t done a thing to stop them."

  It was his job. He did it to protect his sister. He wasn't a bad person – he'd simply been ordered to let fucked-up things happen. But how far did orders go?

  "Why did you kill him?" I asked next. Was that orders, too? Or was that when you decided to try and make up for what you'd done? I pressed my lips together so I didn't ask the other burning questions.

  "I thought it was for Alanna, or even for me. Maybe it was for you. I...just...couldn’t let him live...knowing...what he did…and what I didn’t. How I’d failed."

  You ended it for me and for your own conscience. Now for the general knowledge question. We both know the answer, but are you the super-sleazy interrogator or the honest man I trust? "Why me, Nathan? Why did they choose me?"

  "I couldn’t take my eyes off you," he whispered as he stared at the floor. "I couldn’t stop them." He swayed, as if he was trying to rock away his pain.

  I pitied him. I'd seen his anguish before, but it was worse now that he knew everything I'd been through. I never should have given him the account of what they did to me.

  "You helped me recover from it. You even saved my life. Maybe one day…" I thought of the happy couple I'd seen earlier and hoped he couldn't see my blush. I tried to say something else, but I couldn't think of anything. "I’ll be able to…I…forgive you for it." There. I said it. Absolution, Nathan. Don't feel guilty about me. You've paid for your sins against me and I forgive you. Now you can go and further your career like you want to without feeling you owe me anything, any more. Oh fuck, now I'm going to cry…

  I lurched to my feet and ran out of the church, furiously blinking the tears away.

  I heard his footsteps behind me, but I didn't stop until I was certain I had my eyes under control.

  "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry."

  I knew he'd take the job. Even if he does care for me, he won't put his life on hold for me any more. I remind him too much of what he regrets. And when does he ever pay attention to his own health? It's not like he's even mentioned the nightmares to me.

  I looked up at him and permitted myself one last indulgence. I may never get to do this again. After today, I'll probably never see you again. I kissed him. The passion in that one kiss was more powerful than any I'd witnessed during the wedding this afternoon, but our only witness was Jason, rapidly walking away because he didn't want to watch.

  I broke the kiss, forcing myself to step back. "Goodbye, Nathan." I turned and drove my feet away from him.

  "I love you, Caitlin." His voice held desperation.

  But not enough to stay with me. "I know." My voice died to a whisper and I couldn't turn to face him. "Under better circumstances, I think I could have loved you, too." Liar. It doesn't matter what he's done. I love him and I wanted him to choose me. To fight for me, one more time.

  I forced myself to keep walking, every step a necessary effort. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I didn’t dare stop. I made it to the side door of the pub before I gave in to them properly, sobbing my heart out for a few minutes where no one could see me. I couldn't face Jason right now.

  Jo and Jason are waiting. It’s time to go back to work, I told myself, straightening up and wiping the tears away with my hands. I slipped into the toilets out the back to wash and dry my face, hoping I looked normal. I locked myself in a toilet cubicle to get changed. I slid the white dress down to puddle at my feet and pulled on the tightly fitted black dress that I reminded myself was a work uniform. I kept the knife sheathed at my thigh, within easy reach yet still hidden from view. The boots were next – something Jo had gloatingly called New Rocks, all black leather and metal. Then I slid on the feathered black wings Jo had bought me in a costume store. The angel of death indeed.

  I washed and dried my face again, just in case, and put on enough eye makeup to masquerade as a panda. Real cute, but one swipe and I’ll take your head off. I carefully painted my lips the colour of venous blood. The effect was dark and disturbing. The girl in the mirror looked like a stranger to me. I smiled and my reflection looked sinister, like she was planning to kill me slowly or take off with the contents of my bank account.

  Or tell the man who’d saved her life and killed for her that he didn't deserve her, so she could walk away from his rejection with her dignity intact. As if he hadn't smashed her heart.

  The smile vanished. I stuffed my other clothes and makeup into my bag quickly, before I left the toilets and went in the pub’s back door.

  As I crossed the half-full pub, there was no sign of recognition from the beer-sipping denizens. Who would mistake the innocent little victim they’d seen on TV for the vengeful dark angel stalking across the room?

  No one.

  Jason had set up the equipment already when I reached the stage. He looked relieved to see me, his easy smile lifting his lips. "Damn, you look like the angel of death. You can fuck me to death any night you want to name."

  "Fuck off, Jason. Find yourself a fangirl to fondle you after the gig."

  "Caitlin." He grabbed my arm, his voice low and urgent. "I'd be good to you. I'd show you a heaps better time than that crazy perverted prick. He was a necessary evil while you were recovering, but now I…" He stopped when he felt the cold, hard blade against his balls.

  "…don't need your balls to sing?" I asked sweetly. "Just think of all the high notes you'll hit if you EVER touch me without my permission again. Or if you ever say another word about Nathan. As far as I'm concerned, the necessary evil in my life is you, f
or the duration of this recording contract." I hid the blade with my sleeve as I tucked it away again. He didn't need to know that he'd only felt the sheath and not the blade itself. "You won't be the first bloke I've castrated, either. And I sleep with that knife. Do your job and you can have all the fangirls you like afterwards."

  His eyes widened in something like fear. Perhaps the gothic makeup had its uses, after all. Or maybe it's Laura's knife. My knife now.

  "Let’s kick off with a cover of Nobody Sees. The duet we practiced," I told him.

  I sat behind the keyboard as he started with just his guitar, his solo of the first verse.

  It was Jason’s voice I heard, but my thoughts were of Nathan. My heart felt shattered at the thought of what I’d said and done today, however necessary.

  I closed my eyes as I started singing the second verse.

  "…Who's gonna be there at the end?"

  It’s over. I heard the words he spoke in my memory as I realised it was over. This was the end of it. My voice failed and Jason sang the chorus alone.

  He repeated it, drawing it out to give me a minute to get it together. I shook my head, put the pain into my voice and I found it helped.

  “Nobody knows just how it feels today

  “Nobody sees how our hearts break

  “Who's gonna...FALL DOWN at your feet?”

  He repeated the line until I remembered I was supposed to stand up. The final time he dropped to his knees in front of me, just vocals with no guitar for the last chorus.

  “Nobody knows just how it feels today

  “Nobody sees how our hearts break.”

  I looked down at Jason for a second, before he stood up again and launched into another Powderfinger song, the upbeat one that we always followed this with.

  Jo sat at her drums, smiling encouragingly at me. I hadn’t seen her there until she started playing.