by C. A. Harms
Chapter Three
After school we went by the hospital to see Karen she was on call and would be there until eleven. We gave her the story about me falling in the middle of the night. She looked at me like she wanted to push the point and say more but we quickly changed the subject and asked if I could spend the night. She agreed as she always does so we took off before she could ask any more questions about my fall. She told us to order pizza for dinner and to be good.
When we got to Casey’s we found Dylan and Carter out by the pool. I was watching Carter dive for the rings anchored to the bottom. I turned to see Dylan looking up over the top of his sunglasses staring at me. I felt heat rise inside me and realized once again I was blushing and I am pretty sure he noticed to because he just smiled that sexy smile and put his shades back in place. I knew though that he was still watching me through his shades. When I moved so did he. It felt nice to have him look at me in a different way. I had been trying to get him to notice me for so long. We went inside to Casey’s room closed the door turned up the music and danced around the room like crazy girls that had no worries.
Later that night after we ate pizza and watched a movie we were laying in Casey’s room in the ark and I started thinking, "Casey can I talk to you about something?" She replied quickly, "You know you can talk to me anytime about anything.” After a paused silence I continued, "I am tired of hiding, I am so sick of feeling like I did something wrong. I'm either sad or scared ninety five percent of the time. I only feel safe when he is gone but even then I worry about what will happen when he gets home. I cry all the time and wish I could just shut down, close off all the feelings. I hate my life Case...I hate who I let myself become who I have let him force me to be." With tears spilling over and a huge sense of insecurity I turned toward her and at the exact time as I proceeded Dylan was right outside the door about to torment us as he always does when he heard me say, "Sometimes I just wish I could end all the pain and hurt, I wish I could just end it all. I hate myself, I hate every single thing. Maybe next time he hits me I should just fight back and then he can kill me and all the pain will be over, then I wouldn’t have be so sad all the time." Dylan couldn’t believe what he'd heard. Did she seriously just say she wished she could just die? How could Payton allow some high school loser boyfriend to abuse her like that? Just some guy she’s allowing to make her feel like she’s less than nothing. He felt like a fire was lite within him and he wanted to find this punk who had hurt Payton and beat the hell out of him. He quietly walked away and found his way to room.
Sunlight was coming in through the windows of Casey’s room. I stretched, looking around for her wondering what time it had to be. She wasn’t anywhere and for her to be up this early is definitely not like her. She may be an early riser on weekdays but she makes up for it on the weekends and took every advantage of being able to catch up on her sleep. I walked through her doorway and down the hall toward the kitchen. I could hear a conversation between Casey and Dylan. "Tell me who the Hell he is Casey...NOW!" Dylan yelled extremely pissed and irritated. Casey sounding exhausted and slightly whiney, "Dylan please just let it go…you really have no idea what you’re talking about. You must have heard her wrong and why were you listening to our conversation anyway, it’s none of your business." There was a pause and then Dylan sounded very direct, "If you don’t tell me who the fucking punk is hurting her then I'll ask her myself, really Casey is she that lonely, that desperate to have a boyfriend that she would let him beat on her. Is her self-esteem that low...?” Before I knew it I had eased my way through the doorway and stood there looking at both of them I hadn’t realized until that moment that I was crying. Hearing Dylan call me desperate was hurtful. "Just stop Dylan!" Casey raised her voice to make a point. "I'm just gonna go," I told Casey in a low embarrassed voice just above whispering and without waiting for either of them to say anything I got my keys and walked toward the front door. I passed Dylan when he reached out lightly touching my arm leaning into me saying, "Payton I can't sit back and let some guy hurt you like this, you deserve better." I looked up into his eyes with no feeling at all, "If only that were true," and then I walked out of the front door. Casey rushed after me still crying as she hugged me and with a pleading look she said, "You don’t have to leave, you can stay again. I can talk to my mom Payton maybe you can even stay longer than that. Please don’t go back there please. I worry about you and you need to get help." Just over her shoulder Dylan was standing on the porch looking out at us. I loved that Casey wanted to protect me but I had to go. "Don’t worry Please…I'll be okay...I’ll call you later," I released my hold on her and climbed into my car.
I never went straight home. I drove around for about an hour just thinking. I needed to calm down before I faced the storm. Weekends could usually get pretty bad because he didn't have work so it was a constant drinking binge. Who needed food when he had whiskey?
It was about noon when I pulled into the driveway, his truck was gone. Maybe he never came home last night. Maybe he stayed at one of his loser friend’s house after a night at the bars. I went inside and decided by looking around that I should probably clean so he wouldn't have any other reasons to be angry at me. I started laundry, cleaned the bathroom and was working on the living room when I heard the front door come open and John came stumbling in, “‘Bout Fucking time you get off your ass ...clean up this fucking place". I never replied in return I knew better...I just keep your mouth shut and no matter what…he is always right always!
He walked down the hall bumping into things on the way finally making it to his bedroom at the end. He must have gotten a ride because when I went to the front window looking out his truck was still not in the driveway and judging by his condition it’s a good thing he wasn’t behind the wheel. After some time had passed without any movement or noise I figured that he must have passed out. I had finished the kitchen and living room. The laundry was all folded and put away with the exception of Johns. I wasn’t allowed in his room for any reason at all. I had all his clothes neatly folded in a basket and waiting just to the side of his door for him to put away.
Not that it would matter but I was always trying to stay on the even with him. Appreciation was never given in this house, you were only recognized for the things you didn’t do or the things you did wrong. I used to keep a notebook when I was younger that I would write all of the things I did wrong so I wouldn’t do them again and be punished a second time. After a while I started to realize that what may have been acceptable one day wouldn't be the next. I finally stopped writing things to avoid in the notebook when I figured out that the only way to avoid getting hurt was to disappear, to hide as much as possible. So I did...not only at home but in my entire life. I stayed quiet and never stood up for myself, I just went with whatever I needed to do to get through my day, Casey well she’s my backbone. John was never happy at least around me not since my mom Maggie ran out on him...or on us. He was angry all the time he told me I was her all over again I looked like her, talked like her even acted like her. I was left here to take the fall for her leaving him. I had no family to turn to for help. My mother was an only child and her parents since then have both passed on. I never really knew any of her other family. John was an orphan. He grew up in foster care and mom met him in college. After she got pregnant with me they both dropped out and got married moving into this rat hole I now call home. I guess the twelve years of service to him was enough for her and she bailed. Without so much as a Payton I love you, or I will be back for you. She was home when I left for school and when I came back nothing, she was gone. From that day on I was the reason she left in Johns eyes anyway, it had nothing to do with his constant drinking and temper. His anger toward me didn’t start until after she left. He always was nice to me when she was home…I think just to get under her skin. He wanted me to love him more because it hurt her I know that now.
I had put in a Ham for dinner thinking maybe just maybe that will keep him from his moods. I he
ard movement coming from the back of the house and then the bedroom door came open. "What the Fuck Stinks," he shouted tripping over the basket of clothes and stumbling a few feet. Once he realized that he had fallen over the folded clothes he picked it up and dumped the remaining clothes that hadn’t spilled out onto the floor then looked up at me with a smile on his face, "Clean this fucking mess up!" I never argued I just did it but not before I watched him walk passed me and straight to the oven. With a small hint of hope that maybe his mood would lighten up I watched. He open the oven door pulled out the almost completed ham I had spent all afternoon preparing. He walked to the front door opened it and threw the entire thing out into the front yard pan and all. He slammed the door and grumbled something about, "fucking stinks like garbage."
After I picked up and refolded the clothes a second time I hid out in my room until I was startled by a loud pounding on my door, "Payton get your ass out here...Take me to get my truck," he shouted in between pounding. I opened the door to find him leaning against the opposite wall with his bottle of whiskey in hand. I said nothing I just walked out to my car and drove him to get his truck.
The rest of my weekend was surprising quiet with the exception of occasionally hearing grumbling coming from John in between him passing out and banging against the walls as he tried to make his way down the hallway to the bathroom or the bedroom. I talked to Casey late Sunday evening. She was concerned about me. She went on and on about us needing to talk to someone about John. After I convinced her that things are okay and he was leaving me alone she let go of the idea. She continued on about Dylan being really bothered by my so called "Abusive Boyfriend" she told me I think he has feelings for you Payton. Not that I believed her in any way at all, he just thinks of me as a little sister he needs to protect. After our conversation I went to bed laying there not being able to fall asleep just thinking. Eventually after who knows just how long I drifted off.
Chapter Four
So Monday came and I sort of drifted through the day. Comments were made about my clothes. A couple of the guys asked me why I teased them showing off my legs and now I am all covered up again. To be honest I really tried to just avoid everyone including Casey. If I was with Casey then I would be forced to feel and I just didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted to shut down to forget who I was. I wanted to get through the day and make it through the night without a confrontation that would either get me hit or something thrown at me.
Casey finally approached me on Wednesday and I smiled..."Hey Case," she just looked at me and then said, "that’s all I get... Hey Case. Really Payton you have been trying to avoid me all week. I can't get you on the phone at night. Every time I catch up with you in the hall you have an excuse of something you forgot or somewhere you need to be. Did I do something wrong?" It really did break my heart to hear her say that. Of course she didn’t do anything wrong. Casey is the only person I know I can count on no matter what it is. She never judges me, never questions it...she just listens. I smiled and told her, "You didn’t do anything wrong I am just tired that’s all". She asked me to come over and hang out but I lied and told her that John had grounded me for two weeks for not coming home Friday night. I knew it would buy me sometime to be by myself. I just wanted to be left alone.
I went through the movements day by day for the next few days but made sure to try and put on a happy face around Casey to make things just a little easier. Friday came and I was walking toward my car when I saw Casey leaning against the hood waiting for me. "Hey," I tried to sound happy, but she is no fool when it comes to my many masks. She knew that it was as fake as it could get. Looking at her closer now than I guess I had all week I could see she looked seriously worried and scared, "Payton, I miss you. We really should talk. Promise me you'll call this weekend and talk to me...Please." I nodded in return as she handed me a note squeezing my hand lightly in the exchanged then turned toward Seth who was waiting for her by her car.
When I got home I walked straight to my room hearing John grumble sarcastically from the couch as I passed him, "Great Payton is home... now my day is complete." I never turned until I reached my room. I walked straight to my bed and sat down still holding Casey’s note in my hand. As I unfolded it I wondered if I should read it or wait. I knew it was going to force me to feel something and I still didn’t want to feel anything. Staring at it for a moment I finished unfolding it and began reading...
Payton,
Before you go any further I need you to know I love you so much, you’re the sister I never had and the best friend anyone could ask for. My heart is breaking for you. I have seen you walk these halls at school all week lost. You have become a shell of yourself. You look exhausted and miserable. I know you haven't slept and by the looks of it eaten in days. I am terrified that you are losing yourself. You can't let this happen I know he has hurt you and you are starting to believe when he tells you that it is your fault your mother left. Don't let him win Payton. Your life can be better if we just talk to someone we can get help. I know you worry about where you will end up if you turn him in but we will figure it out. Please!!! I really am scared Payton, so worried that you are going to do something to hurt yourself or to provoke him just to end it. You are an amazing person with such a big heart and he is breaking you. He is winning. You’re letting him break you. He is a Bastard that doesn't deserve to have you continue to protect him. I need you around Payton you can’t avoid me and push me away. No matter how hard you push I will not let you go. Dylan is worried to I had to practically lock him in the house to keep him from coming over to your house throughout this week. He wants to talk to you. It is weird but he has actually been tolerable this week and very concerned about you. He comes to my room every night asking me how you are. Please call me I know your grounded but I also know that Johns spends a lot of time over the weekend in the bars and you can sneak a call to me at least.
Don’t let him destroy the Payton I know and love.
Love You Always,
Casey
With tears in my eyes I folded the note back up and tucked it into my school bag. I lied back onto the bed and dosed off. I woke to a loud crash. When I opened my bedroom door there was another crash and I then realized that John was throwing the figurines mom had left on the shelves in the living room against the wall breaking them into pieces. I backed away and back down the hallway inching back into my room closing the door lightly behind me. I curled up on the floor in the corner on the other side of my bed and stayed there until morning.
Glancing at the clock it was 7:48 am on Saturday. I was thirsty and by the sounds of it he was passed out somewhere and it seemed safe. I went out into the living room seeing the mess that John had left after his temper tantrum I decided to clean it as quickly as possible and then get me and my drink back to my room before he woke up. I got the porcelain shards cleaned as best as possible without running the vacuum for fear of waking him. I was about to pour myself a glass of milk when from right behind me I heard John smack the countertop startling me and then causing me to drop the gallon of milk onto the floor spilling onto the linoleum. I hurried to grab it before too much spilt and was struck in the center of the back by Johns fist. The pain shot through me and felt as if it exploded out my chest. All the breath within my lungs disappeared. I fell to the floor and gasped for any air I could retrieve. John from behind yelled, "You stupid little bitch, can you do anything right? Clean this fucking mess up and get the hell out of here I am tired of seeing your face every day. Why have you been here so much anyway?" He grabbed me by the back of the shirt and lifted me up quickly. He had kept ahold of my shirt as he dragged me to the front door and pushed me out onto the front porch. I turned still slightly hunched over just looking at him with questioning eyes. "Just leave, get the hell outta here," he said with no emotion before turning and shutting the door behind him. I stood on the edge of the porch trying so hard to fill my lungs with air the shock of what had just happened starting to sink in I leaned back agains
t the railing crying silently. Before giving John a chance to open the door and find me still standing there I began walking down the road toward town shoeless and still in my pajamas.
As I got closer to town my breathing became a little easier. I thought about stopping at one of the houses along the country road and calling Casey to come get me but I just kept walking. I finally had reached the edge of town and then I heard it approaching...John’s truck. He veered off the road in front of me and came to a screeching stop. He leaned over to open up the passenger door and yelled in my direction, "Get in the truck!" I looked at him and for the first time thought about running as I looked around and then back at him thinking there was really no place to go. "Now," he screamed. I walked to his truck and climbed in closing the door behind me I knew at that moment that I had just made one of the biggest mistakes. He said nothing the drive home he just kept squeezing the steering wheel and then releasing as if to taunt me with what he was planning. I was terrified I should have ran, screamed anything instead of getting into the truck. When we pulled in the drive he got out and walked around to the passenger side yanking the door open and grabbing me by my hair. He pulled me out so hard I actually think it took a few seconds for me to feel anything but the pain from him pulling my hair. Once he had drug me through the door of the house he slammed me against the refrigerator looking at me. He brought his hand up quickly slapping me across the face hard, he leaned in then spitting in my face as her slurred, "Clean up your fucking mess you nasty little bitch." He let go of me and walked out the front door. I stood there terrified to move not sure if it was over or if he was just preparing for more. I heard his truck start up and back down the drive squealing his tires as he drove toward town. I cleaned up the mess as quickly as possible and then rushed toward my room. I had then made up my mind of what I would do next. I was going to leave for good.
