Pain

by Adam Southward

  Alex wasn’t sure if he was being told off or flirted with. Both, perhaps.

  He proceeded to tell Laurie his theory, such as it was, about Mia’s condition. He described the actions of the drug N5 and Dr Willis’s conclusions about acute opiate withdrawal and the elevated oxytocin levels. Her brain chemistry was fried, said Alex, causing what he suspected to be an insatiable desire to feel pain. When he’d finished there was silence at the other end.

  ‘Hello?’ he said.

  ‘Addicted to pain?’ said Laurie.

  ‘If you put it like that, yes. Other people’s.’

  ‘That’s . . .’ Laurie cleared her throat. ‘Could that really happen?’

  ‘I think it has.’

  ‘Addicted to pain?’

  ‘That’s what I said.’ Laurie was doing her usual light-hearted sarcasm, but Alex felt his conclusions warranted more. He suppressed his annoyance.

  ‘I’ve heard people pay money for that,’ said Laurie. ‘Pain, I mean. As in sexual. As in S&M? God, Alex, why do you make me explain myself?’

  Alex held his tongue. He assumed she was having a bad morning. She’d stop in a minute.

  ‘It’s fucking crazy, Alex.’

  ‘Thank you for your technical analysis of my conclusions, Detective. Mia Anastos does appear to be crazy, I believe, driven not by sadism or psychopathy or any other psychological condition. I think she’s being driven by a physiological condition, caused by her treatment at the hands of Dr Tau, Dr Willis and their team. She’s an addict, Laurie. She’s doing what addicts do.’

  More silence.

  ‘I’ve never seen an addict do this, Alex.’ Laurie’s voice was calmer. She was back into sensible mode. ‘Never in my long and distinguished career. I’m not saying you’re wrong. But I’m saying we need more.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean, I can’t go to Hartley and the commissioner with your conclusion as it stands.’

  Alex’s face flushed. ‘Why the hell not?’ He knew his tone was off, but he didn’t care. ‘Tell Hartley. She’ll listen if it comes from me. I’ll call her myself.’

  He heard a swift intake of breath. ‘By all means, Alex,’ said Laurie. ‘Go around me if it makes you feel better. I thought we might want to do this together, though. I know my job and I know procedure. Your conclusions aren’t enough. What do you expect me to do with them?’

  Alex tried to calm himself. She was right about most of it, but not if it meant leaving Dr Tau and this Nova pharmaceutical company alone.

  ‘Have you at least put out inquiries into Nova AG?’

  ‘Yes, as it happens. I did it all by myself without you even ordering me to. You know what we found? Nothing. Silence on all fronts. We’ve put calls in to the major pharmaceuticals, asking for assistance. The ones who’ve got back to us say they’ve never heard of Nova AG. It’s not listed at Companies House in the UK. We’ve asked Interpol if they have any knowledge – that might take a while.’

  Alex sighed. ‘So they’re ghosts?’

  Laurie frowned. She chewed her lip. ‘We haven’t found them. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist or that they’re not out there right now operating. It just means nobody’s telling us anything. There’s a difference.’

  Alex nodded. He understood. Whatever organisation was running these trials, it wasn’t a pharma. Again his thoughts wandered. The test subjects didn’t know they were taking part in a trial. They were being preyed on by opportunistic surgeons waiting for the right candidates. So how many had been treated with N5?

  ‘The other six files? The patients? Who were they?’

  ‘We’re following those up too,’ said Laurie, ‘but it doesn’t look like any of them had the Nova treatment. Their notes are sparser than Mia’s. They all say threshold achieved, followed by some reason not to proceed, either age or condition or prognosis. A couple were on contraindicated medication already. The only one of note was Kim Norris.’

  ‘The old lady with pulmonary fibrosis?’ Alex took a moment to think. ‘Why would Mia go after her?’

  ‘No idea. But Mrs Norris wasn’t treated, according to the notes.’

  Alex huffed. A bunch of candidates, but only one treated. ‘So where does that leave us?’

  ‘The only useful information is what you’ve read in Mia Anastos’s file. She seems adept at staying hidden. No sign of her in the last couple of days.’

  Alex pulled over to the kerb. He was too distracted to drive. Annoyed that his theory was being dismissed as incomplete and frustrated they had so little to go on.

  ‘I’ve got another call coming through,’ Laurie said. She paused. ‘Hang in there, Alex. You’ve got something, a thread. Let’s keep pulling it and see what we get. I need more material before I talk to my bosses.’

  Alex promised he would and hung up. He swerved back into the traffic.

  Alex pulled into the restaurant parking lot. When he insisted that he’d pick Katie up, she responded with a brief text: See you there, Dad. He didn’t fight it. He’d insist on dropping her home, though. The restaurant might be only ten minutes from Grace’s house but there was no way he was letting her walk.

  Alex thought he’d done a reasonable job of not becoming the overprotective distant dad. She’d been dragged into his murky world and come out relatively unscathed. Victor Lazar’s whereabouts were unknown and the investigation remained open – Katie had struggled at first with the lack of closure, but for once, Alex had taken his own professional advice and let her take therapy elsewhere, continuing as normal, letting her live her life and grow into her early teens with the innocence she deserved. Grace took the lead as a wonderful mother, and Alex hoped to follow as a reasonable father, offering as much as he could, knowing he would always be playing catch-up.

  As he locked the car he couldn’t help the twinge of regret and frustration that accompanied his regular thoughts about Grace. Over the last few days he’d allowed himself a brief reprieve, allowing his mind to focus on the case. But now, as he espied Katie through the restaurant window, the emotions threatened to swallow him up.

  ‘Daddy.’ Katie was already seated at her favourite table.

  Alex glanced around, looking for an adult.

  Katie pulled a face and laughed. ‘Mummy dropped me off, literally five minutes ago.’

  ‘Literally?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘How’s Mum?’ Alex didn’t like to interrogate Katie about Grace but found it hard not to ask at least a few questions. Any significant news would normally bubble up.

  ‘Fine,’ said Katie, studying the menu. ‘I’ve going to have a calzone.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Alex, beckoning over one of the waiters. ‘Two calzone and two Appletisers, please.’

  Katie grinned. ‘We can’t have exactly the same.’

  ‘Too late,’ said Alex, giving the menus back. ‘How fine is Mum?’

  Katie shrugged, pulling out her mobile phone. She placed it on the table, glancing at the screen, swiping it before looking up. ‘Why don’t you ask her?’ she said. ‘Come in for a cup of tea when we’ve finished dinner. John’s away at the moment. Work trip or something.’

  Alex’s heart jumped. He let it settle, wrestling with the proposition. Should he leave Grace alone for a while? What good would pushing himself back in do to her or Katie? She’d made her choice. On the other hand, every minute with him was a minute away from John. She’d fallen in love with him once. She might still love him now. Maybe all he needed was time and an audience with her.

  The drinks arrived and Alex enjoyed the ice-cold feeling on his tongue. He never drank at meals with Katie, insisting on having the same as her. It was his thing. He had to have a few things, surely? Part of him still wished for a glass of red, though. He needed the release and the comfort.

  ‘Tell me about the holidays so far,’ he said. ‘What has my favourite daughter been doing?’

  Katie tore her eyes away from her phone and began. Her description of the last week w
as jumbled and overexcited and Alex loved it. Listening to Katie being so enthused about everything from reality TV to animal welfare was a fascinating insight into teen psychology. He tried not to analyse and to simply listen as their food arrived and they tucked in.

  ‘Plus, I’m thinking about becoming a vegetarian,’ she said, with her mouth full.

  Alex nodded. ‘You realise this calzone has cow and chicken in it?’ he said. ‘Possibly some other things.’

  Katie chewed a little more slowly. ‘Yeah, but I haven’t started yet. But if I’m going to be a vet, I can’t eat animals.’

  ‘You can,’ said Alex, ‘but not the ones you’re treating. The owners wouldn’t like it.’

  Katie pulled a face. ‘I’m serious, Dad. You should see what they do to animals. We watched it on YouTube at Beth’s. They experiment on them, give them drugs and stuff. It’s horrible.’

  Alex nodded again. She was right, of course, but it was the way she said it that stopped him arguing. Experimentation. Humans do it on other animals and people largely ignore it, but most people ignore everything. What about experimentation on other humans? he thought. What would people think if they knew humans in the UK were unwitting subjects in a drug experiment? Would they care? Alex liked to think they would, although he wasn’t convinced.

  He lifted his glass to his lips, gazing at Katie. She was devouring her food and swiping her screen at the same time, her face a mask of intrigue. Pure innocence, so fragile, he thought. What would possess people to experiment on a child like Katie? His mind filled with shocking images of her being restrained and mistreated, of drugs being forced into her veins. He shook the visions away, but the reality remained. It happened all over the world, even right here in London.

  Mia Anastos had been invaded, abused, molested, Alex was sure of it. The people involved no doubt had lofty goals and ideals, but the cold truth was that to achieve them meant treating humans like animals. Forcing participation, experimenting until results were achieved, good or bad. Harvesting the useful, discarding the useless.

  Was Mia a reject? Did Dr Tau and Nova treat and discard her, leaving her to writhe in her incurable condition? Did they take any responsibility for their actions, or did they not even realise?

  ‘Dad,’ said Katie. She was looking at him and waving in his face. ‘Earth to Dad.’

  Alex blinked. The visions faded. The noise of the restaurant increased. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I was miles away.’

  ‘Work?’ Katie proceeded to describe how her job as a vet would be far better than his career. Not that doctors weren’t important, but there was a shortage of vets and she was needed in that profession.

  ‘Dessert?’ asked Alex, unable to resist a smile.

  ‘And more Appletiser,’ said Katie.

  ‘And more Appletiser,’ he agreed.

  Grace looked pleased to see him. Was he imagining it? No, he was reading her correctly. Her face opened up and her eyes invited him in. Katie complained she was stuffed and headed to her room, saying she had literally hundreds of texts to read.

  ‘She was on her phone for most of dinner,’ Alex whispered.

  Grace shrugged. ‘Then it’s your role as a parent to forbid it.’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘No,’ said Grace. ‘Tea?’

  Alex perched at the kitchen bar. Grace was dressed in lounge pants and a vest top, what she always used to wear for a night in front of the TV. Her hair was tucked behind her ears and she’d removed her make-up. Alex cast his eyes down at his mug, blowing the steam away. His heart was racing and he struggled to pinpoint why.

  His mind was spinning, focusing on the case, on Mia and what she’d do next. He couldn’t help but think of Laurie and her handling of it so far. She was good, no doubt, but plagued by other worries, other cases and personal demons. Alex knew his thoughts were straying on to the wrong side of professionalism with Laurie, but if Grace really had moved on, shouldn’t he? Shouldn’t he be the responsible father and accept that two families was the way forward? Laurie might not feel the same, but he detected at least a hint of chemistry. Should he pursue it, or was he kidding himself?

  ‘Busy day, huh?’

  Alex brought himself back into the present for the second time.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Tough one? Your assignment? Katie said you had a big case on for the police. She’s very proud of you, you know.’

  ‘Even prouder if I was a vet,’ he said, bringing Grace’s smile out.

  ‘Of course,’ said Grace. ‘There is no nobler profession. This week, anyway.’

  ‘She’s . . .’ Alex didn’t know how to describe Katie’s effect on him.

  ‘Growing up. An adolescent. A complete pain in the arse one day and a delight the next,’ said Grace. ‘Yes, I know.’

  Alex smirked. Their eyes met. Grace was the one to break it.

  ‘How’s . . . you know?’

  ‘John?’ Grace frowned. ‘You don’t care.’

  ‘I’m being polite.’

  ‘John is fine. We’re both fine. Look, Alex, are you . . . you know? Seeing anyone? Don’t let work take over. I know what it does to you. It’s not healthy.’

  ‘Do you want me to see someone?’

  Grace huffed, her smiled fading. ‘That’s not what I mean. You’re welcome here any time, you know that. It’s just . . .’

  ‘Life goes on?’

  ‘You have a great life, Alex.’

  They heard Katie calling from the top of the stairs. Grace headed out of the kitchen and Alex sagged in his chair. This wasn’t the way he’d planned his precious limited time with Grace. He didn’t want confrontation, and he didn’t want to talk about other partners.

  Alex’s anxiety gnawed at his stomach, bubbling, waiting to pounce. Dinner with no wine was to blame, he thought, reaching for his Xanax. He opened the container and popped one into his mouth, washing it down with tea.

  ‘Headache?’

  He hadn’t seen Grace come back into the kitchen. Her eyes narrowed when he quickly shoved the tub back into his pocket.

  ‘Uh, yeah,’ he said.

  Grace’s eyes stayed on his jacket. ‘You’re sure?’

  They stared at one another, Grace’s eyes boring into him. For somebody who’d managed to lie repeatedly when they were married, he found it impossible to do so now.

  ‘They’re . . . a little help, that’s all. For stress.’

  ‘A little help?’ Grace’s hands went to her hips. ‘Like the help you said you’d get from a professional?’

  ‘Grace, I—’

  ‘So drugs are your answer? What are they? Diazepam?’

  He regretted discussing drugs so openly when they had been together. He used to run through his cases with Grace in the evenings, describing his treatment plans and medications. Grace had a fantastic memory and an intellect to match. She knew as much about anti-anxiety drugs as he did.

  ‘Similar, but—’

  ‘How long?’

  Alex was not about to admit having been on drugs since before he went to university, throughout their marriage and right through their messy divorce. His lower dose back then had made it much easier to hide; plus, he’d kept the drugs at the office, never at home. Only since the divorce had he taken to keeping a packet on him at all times. He guessed it would only be a matter of time until he got caught.

  ‘Recently.’

  ‘How many? Are you fit to work? To drive? You had Katie in the car.’

  Alex jumped off the stool. ‘Hey, relax. It’s low dose and doesn’t affect my driving. I wouldn’t put Katie at risk.’

  As he said it, he doubted his own words. He couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t on benzos. To say it didn’t affect his reaction times was naive, if not an outright lie.

  Grace took a deep breath. ‘You said you’d get help.’

  ‘And I will.’

  Her eyes were full of hurt when she looked back up. He had done this to her. Betrayed her trust yet agai
n.

  ‘I should go,’ he said.

  Grace didn’t object, staring pointedly at the floor as he brushed past into the hall.

  ‘Bye, Katie,’ he called, trying to inject some cheer into his voice. She called back and Alex turned to the front door. ‘I will get help,’ he said.

  Grace nodded, folding her arms around her body defensively, indicating that the conversation was finished. ‘Bye, Alex,’ she said, closing the door behind him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  The air was clear and cold, and Mia sucked in a deep breath, clean and refreshing in her lungs. She stared upwards to the sky, spying a plane, its lights flashing, soaring peacefully above the turmoil beneath.

  Perhaps she could leave, get on an aeroplane and head out of London. Back to where she came from. And where was that? What would she find? What could she do when all she knew was these few square miles of an alien city she hated? Other parts of the world held populations who suffered far more than this one. War, famine and pestilence – those might be good ingredients. Perhaps she could live there, feeding off the pain and suffering, not caring because those people would die anyway. Better to make it quick, albeit more painful?

  But Mia knew it wouldn’t happen. She stayed for the same reason she didn’t take her own life. Answers. The answers were here in London. The doctors were here. Her parents were here, those faces that looked like hers and had love in their eyes. Mia couldn’t abandon even the smallest chance of seeing them again.

  Shivering, Mia knew she was spiralling. Her months of routine were finished, her body was changing, her mind fragmenting. The insane often knew it, and Mia knew she was dancing on the edge; a wrong footstep could send her over. Insanity might be a welcome relief from her daily existence.

  But there were no answers in madness. If she fell, there would be nobody to pick her up, and those responsible would get to live their lives knowing they’d ruined hers, confident in their ability to remain in the shadows.