Tirade

by Cambria Hebert

  The whole way back to his apartment, we didn’t touch. We hardly looked at each other again, except to steal glances out of the corner of our eyes when the other was trying not to look. All the muscles and nerves in my entire body were shaking, but not from what just happened. As terrible as it had been in hell, I didn’t think about it. All I could think about was Sam finally being here. I ached to touch him, but didn’t dare. Of all the days he was gone, I never once worried that things would be awkward between us. I never once thought that maybe things wouldn’t be the same.

  Even now, I didn’t worry about that.

  This was Sam. My Sam. The only boy I’d ever love. I went to hell and back with him and I could honestly say I would do it all over again.

  But in small ways he was different. I wasn’t sure of all the ways yet, only sensing he wasn’t quite the same. I didn’t worry about that either because nothing would change things between us. Of this I was sure.

  I focused on the next street over, the street where Sam’s apartment was. I clenched my hands at my sides and counted the breaths I took, all the while staring at Sam out of the corner of my eye. I knew he was fighting the same fight that I was and I knew he was just trying to get there. I picked up my pace to a full run. He seemed a little surprised, but he matched my pace with ease, not even breathing hard. Finally, the front door of the apartment came into view. Sam ran ahead and up the steps to the door, but then he stopped, his back going stiff.

  I don’t have the key.

  I came up the steps behind him. I do. I reached around him and held out the key. It seemed important that he let himself into his own place.

  He took the key without even brushing his fingers against mine and quickly opened the door and went inside. I followed him, closing the door behind me and leaning against it. The room was dim because all the shades were drawn and it was cool because I turned the air unit on the last time I was here.

  Sam turned around, his whiskey eyes deepening and focusing on me in such a singular way that the breath caught in my throat. It smells like you in here. His chest rose and fell with his deep breath.

  I nodded while I pressed my palms flat against the door behind me. He stared at me for a few long, charged moments and then exactly what I knew would happen did. Exactly the reason we avoided touching each other until we were completely alone rushed to the surface.

  We were like a pair of strong magnets, resisting was useless.

  Sam rushed forward, his wide hands splaying against my ribs and lifting me off the ground. His touch seared me, set every cell in me on fire and turned my brain to mush. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist and hugged him hard, never intending to let go. I wasn’t ever letting go.

  His hands found my face and he grasped it, held it firm as his lowered. The minute his lips touched mine I started to cry silent, fat tears that fell quietly from beneath closed lids. The relief of being where I belonged was so great I thought I might turn into a puddle. After spending so much time fighting, being strong and pushing away my emotions, it was overwhelming to finally be somewhere I could fall.

  I don’t know how long he kissed me. Endlessly, blissfully, urgently.

  Then he pulled back. Not away, but just enough to look at me. His image was a little blurry at first, but then it cleared and I could see all the emotions play on his face. My heart turned over.

  He brushed the pad of his thumb over my cheek, then he frowned. I got you dirty.

  I don’t care.

  I need a shower.

  My fingers dug into his back, twisting his T-shirt. I couldn’t let him go.

  He carried me into the bathroom and turned on the shower and kicked the door shut. He didn’t put me down, but began kissing me again. There, in the center of the tiny bathroom, he stood, holding me in his arms and kissing me while the room filled with warm steam.

  I’ll be fast. He promised before reluctantly sitting me beside the shower.

  I didn’t shy away when he began stripping off his ripped, ruined shorts and white T-shirt. I stared down at them while he showered and imagined all the things he went through that I would probably never know about. He wouldn’t tell me. I wouldn’t ask. I would never ask him to relive that nightmare twice.

  The shower shut off and his dripping, strong hand reached out from behind the curtain and grabbed the towel I hung there just for him. It occurred to me then that I should probably clean myself up too. I went to the sink and washed my hands and face and rinsed my mouth out with the mouthwash in the medicine cabinet. I was about to do something with my wild mass of hair when the shower curtain slid open. I turned and my heart began hammering in my chest.

  I had suspected, but now I knew.

  He was bigger. He was always built well, with strong corded muscles, but now he was just big. His bare shoulders seemed to fill the tiny room. His hair had grown longer and the wet strands curled around his neck and fell over his forehead. Even his feet seemed larger as he stepped onto the tile floor.

  He was wearing only a towel, slung low around his hips.

  I swallowed. I should shower too.

  He shook his head, slowly approaching me, and I held out a hand, laying it on his chest. His skin was warm and moist, causing a burst of butterflies to dance in my belly.

  How long do we have? he asked.

  I told Gran I was staying at Kimber’s. I wasn’t leaving here tonight. If I got caught in my lie, I’d just take the punishment.

  All night?

  I nodded.

  My hand vibrated with whatever sound moved through his chest. He led me from the bathroom and the air out here was so much cooler against my skin that gooseflesh rose along my arms. He barely glanced around the room but went toward the bed with single-minded precision. When he stopped and turned, his eyes were heavy lidded and I wondered if he knew how badly my knees were shaking.

  His palms cupped my face and tilted it upward. I dreamed of you.

  I nodded. I dreamed of him too.

  His kiss was as intoxicating as ever, melting my bones until he had to support me against his chest or else I would slip to the floor. I did notice something new, however. He had stubble on his jaw and chin. As he kissed me, it tickled and prickled against my skin. It was rough and sweet at the same time. His body seemed to tower over mine, wrapping around me until I was completely lost inside him, hoping I never found my way out. I knew then what else seemed different… I could no longer think of him as the boy I loved because he wasn’t a boy. He was a man. The changes I sensed in him weren’t external (besides his size); they were internal. And as he kissed me, I thought his size was larger, but it seemed even more so because of the way he carried himself.

  I liked it.

  I really liked it.

  He pulled our lips apart and rested his forehead to mine. His chest rose and fell heavily as I reached up, threading my fingers through his hair. The slightly damp ends curled around my fingers, inviting me to stay. I sighed.

  I felt his gaze and turned my eyes upward. I knew exactly what question he was asking me, though he never spoke a word. Slowly, I nodded. I dreamed of this moment so many times and I was sure this is what I wanted, but I was still nervous. I still felt awkward and unsure of myself.

  Golden lightning streaked his eyes before he shut them. It reassured me that I could feel his hands shake as he held me. He’s nervous too. When he opened his eyes, the gold was gone, replaced by the liquid honey that I knew so well. He watched me as his fingers slowly found the hem of my shirt and slipped beneath to touch skin.

  Heven…

  Sam…

  They were the last words we spoke for a long time.

  *

  Loud growling woke me. My eyes opened and for a moment I was unsure where I was. Then I remembered. Sam was back. I was in his bed, wrapped tightly in his arms. His stomach was growling like he hadn’t eaten in days.

  Of course he hadn’t.

  I did my best to slide from beneath his arms w
ithout waking him, but it was useless. He was up, gripping my arm like I was trying to escape. “I’m getting you some food,” I whispered, stroking his hand.

  His grip lightened instantly as his hand slid down into mine. Butterflies danced beneath my ribcage. I wondered what it would be like after. If I would be different, feel different. I wondered if Sam would be different. Shyly, I looked over my shoulder at him. A stray blond strand fell over my eye and I was partially glad for the extra concealment. Sam smiled and leaned up onto one elbow and brushed the hair away. The way he stared at me made my cheeks grow warm and I glanced away, down at our clasped hands.

  “I love you,” he said, his voice sounding foreign to my ears since he’d spoken to me with his mind up until now.

  Some of the butterflies settled down but didn’t go away. “I love you too.”

  He stared at me for a few more short moments before his stomach growled again and he grinned. I got up to pull on one of his shirts, smiling when the fabric reached my knees and turned toward the kitchen. Behind me, Sam pulled on some shorts then caught my hand so we went together over to the fridge.

  “I put a pizza in here,” I said, reaching in and pulling out a large cardboard box. The room was completely dark. I had no clue what time it was, and the light from the fridge made me blink. I was about to offer to heat it when he opened the lid, took out a huge slice and stuffed half of it in his mouth. I giggled and pulled away from him to place the pizza on the counter and get some napkins.

  “Come back here,” he said around a mouthful of cheese and pepperoni then wrapped his arm around my waist, towing me into his side. A slice appeared before me and I opened my mouth to take a bite. We stood together in the darkened kitchen, eating cold pizza together, and laughing.

  Is this all? I asked myself. Was our after to be exactly as before? But it wasn’t really exactly as before. I felt a little unsure of myself, unsure of how he felt.

  Sam pulled away, opened the fridge and leaned in, palming two sodas. I gasped. He spun swiftly one of the sodas falling to the floor and rolling away. “What?” His eyes roamed all the shadows of the room.

  “Your back,” I started. “It’s… What happened?”

  He grimaced and bent to pick up the lost soda. “Nothing.”

  It wasn’t nothing. There were puckered scars crisscrossing his back. Images of blood flashed into my mind. Sam’s blood and the way it looked on the floor of his cell. So this is where it came from. It looked like he had been whipped.

  “Sam.” I rushed forward. How had I not noticed until now? I walked around him to see his back and opened the fridge door for the light. “Oh, Sam.” I sighed, taking in the wide scars.

  “I’m all right,” he said, spinning and closing the door. His arms wound around my waist and he pressed my cheek to his chest. “That tea of Ana’s completely healed them.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I remembered when I woke up with the pain echoing through my body, positive something was happening to him. Seeing the scars, the reminders of that pain… It was horrible.

  “Don’t be sorry. Not tonight.”

  I lifted my face to stare up at him. “I’m not sorry about that.”

  The corner of his mouth turned up. “No?”

  “No. Are you?” Dread settled in my chest; it was heavy. Was I not what he thought I’d be?

  “I could never be sorry,” he whispered, his lips brushing over mine.

  “Come on,” I said, drawing him along behind me to pick up the pizza and walk toward the bed. “You need to eat.”

  After he had eaten the entire pizza (he shared) and we were settled back beneath the covers, he spoke so quietly I hardly heard him. “Tell me how you found Riley.”

  I knew this question was coming. I tried to convince myself Sam wouldn’t be upset that I went and found Riley. I told myself he wouldn’t care. Not only had I been lying to everyone else, I had also been lying to myself.

  I saw the way Sam looked at Riley when we were in hell. Sam didn’t want Riley here, for reasons that I didn’t completely understand. And after seeing Sam’s back and the blood in his cell… I felt worse than ever. If Riley hadn’t been here, if he hadn’t spent the night with me, Sam might not have to carry those scars for the rest of his life.

  Sam sat up and looked down at me. “I can feel your hesitation.”

  “Because when you find out everything I’ve done…”

  He laughed. “There’s nothing you could have done that’s that terrible.”

  I robbed your mind, I said, unable to get the words past my lips.

  He frowned. “What?”

  I sat up, throwing my legs over the bed and letting my feet dangle off the side. “I didn’t realize what was happening at first. I still don’t get how I do it, but whenever I touch someone and I want to know something, I somehow go into their mind and see their memories.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “One night when we were closely linked and we were talking. I asked you if you knew where your roommates were and just like that, I saw your memories. I saw the note that was in the center of the bed. Peaks Island.”

  His eyes rounded a bit, realizing there was no other way I would know this. He got up from the bed and began pacing the room. It stung a little that he didn’t sit next to me, but then I decided maybe it was better this way. “What else did you see?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing. It freaked me out and I felt guilty for doing that to you so I pulled out.”

  “Have you done this to anyone else?”

  I bit my lip and nodded. “To Cole, I looked down at my feet. I really needed to paint my toenails. Some cheerful color. “We were talking about him and Gemma, then his voice just went away and I could see and feel everything from his point of view. It was weird.”

  “Wow. Does he know?”

  “Yeah. He wasn’t even mad.” It still shocked me.

  “Why would he be mad?”

  “Aren’t you?”

  The corner of his mouth lifted into a lopsided smile. “Sweetheart, you’re in my mind every single day. I love it.”

  His words sent a rush of warmth through me. “Yeah, but this time was different.”

  “Guess I’ll have to be more selective with my thoughts when you’re touching me. Wouldn’t want you to discover my deep dark secrets.” He winked as he crouched down in front of me, slowly reached out and grasped my foot in his palm.

  “What deep dark secrets?” I narrowed my eyes and smiled.

  He smiled, then released me and stood. “So you found Riley from that note you saw in my memory?”

  The mention of Riley made my stomach dip. “Actually, he kind of found me. I went to Peaks Island to look for him, but I had no idea who I was looking for. I know I’d seen them—your roommates—before, but I never paid attention to them. I had no idea what they looked like.”

  “Bet Riley really loved that,” he said smugly.

  “He did seem annoyed.”

  Sam flashed his perfectly straight, white teeth.

  “Anyway,” I said, reminding myself not to get distracted. “I ran into some trouble on the docks.”

  “What kind of trouble?” The words rumbled from his chest and I swear he seemed to swell in front of me. How had he grown so much in the past eight days?

  “There were these fishermen. They were just playing around. Nothing happened,” I hurried out.

  He didn’t seem to believe me. “Just tell me.”

  “They made some advances and I fended them off. I ran onto the ferry and that was it.” He nodded and I kept talking. “Riley climbed onto the boat after it moved away from the docks. He said he saw me looking for him and he wanted to know where you were. I told him what was going on and he agreed to come here and help.”

  “He agreed, just like that?” He seemed surprised.

  “Yes. I don’t understand why you and Gemma don’t trust him.”

  “Gemma doesn’t trust him, either?”

  I explained about G
emma’s past and her connection to Riley and how she trained him. He nodded thoughtfully as I talked, settling next to me on the bed. When I was finished, he said, “I didn’t put it together, but the moves she taught me… I’ve seen him do them before.”

  “She says he’s a killer.”

  “He is,” Sam said matter-of-factly.

  “So you don’t like Riley because he’s a killer?” I asked, a hard knot forming in my belly.