Tirade

by Cambria Hebert

  Up until this point I tried to shelter him from everything I had gone through, everything in my past that I thought would color the way he looked at me. I thought I had to be strong. I had to show that I could handle anything and be the perfect brother. But that isn’t what Logan needed.

  He needed me to be there. To show him that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has hardship, but it’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are.

  “Well, for starters, I used to be friends with the hellhound that disfigured Heven.”

  Logan narrowed his eyes. “China?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I used to be roommates with her and she would kill people, lots of them, and then I would help her cover up her crimes.”

  I had his full attention now.

  “I thought I was supposed to be that way because I’m a hellhound. I thought I was supposed to be bad. But I never liked the way I felt when I was around China. It always felt wrong to cover up her crimes.

  “So what happened?”

  “I killed her.”

  His eyes widened. “You killed China?”

  I nodded. “She kept trying to kill Heven. She had killed Heven and Airis—the angel?” I asked and he nodded—“brought her back to life. Then China tried to kill Heven again and I killed her.”

  “She deserved it.”

  “Maybe. But it wasn’t really for me to decide and I didn’t feel good after I did it. I have to live with the fact that I killed her every day, forever.”

  “I have to live with what I did to Heven’s mom and all the other things I did when that Demon was inside me.”

  I nodded. “You’re right. You do have to live with those things. But you can tell yourself you didn’t really want those things to happen. You aren’t defined by them. Learn from them and try and make the rest of your life better—something you can be proud of.”

  “I don’t deserve how good they’ve been to me,” he said quietly, looking away.

  “There are a lot of things I don’t know, like why you keep wearing those fugly socks with holes in them.” I made a face and he laughed. “But I do know that you deserve everything good they ever gave you. They love you, Logan. That much I can see. Gran loves having you here. She told me herself just the other morning at breakfast.”

  “Really?”

  I nodded then made a mock concerned face. “Although, I think they feed you too much candy.”

  He smiled. “I like it here. It’s like it was before you changed, before Mom and Dad started fighting all the time.”

  “You know none of that was your fault, right? If you want to go home, I’ll take you. I’ll explain everything and they’ll let you stay.”

  “You would go back there?”

  “Not to live, but yes, to visit. And if you stayed, I’d come see you on the weekends. I’ll always be a part of your life, Logan. I promise.”

  “What if I want to stay here, with you?”

  I smiled. “I think Gran would fight me for you. She was hinting around about you living here this school year with her and Hev.”

  His eyes widened. “Can I?”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “It is. My home is with you now… and with Heven.”

  “She’s not so bad after all?”

  “She’s cool. She worked really hard when you were gone. Demons were attacking her, she got sick from one’s blood and she’s been dealing with Riley.” He rolled his eyes.

  I forced a laugh. Hearing everything Heven had gone through made me sick.

  “I want to make it up to her, everything I’ve done.”

  I didn’t think he needed to, but sometimes it was the best way to get past something. To admit and apologize. “You know, I have something I need to make a mends for too,” I said, my thoughts turning a bit dark.

  “What is it?”

  “You think I’m going to share all my secrets with you in one night? Get real!”

  “Do you have time for a beat down on the Xbox before you go?”

  “A beat down? Them’s fighting words, bro.”

  He laughed and pulled out the controllers and hurried to turn on the game. When it started, he began coughing, deep, hacking coughs that made my throat ache. He grabbed a tissue by the TV and wiped his nose and the tissue came away red. He quickly tucked the red part under and glanced to see if I saw. I said nothing, pretending to watch the game.

  “You okay?” I asked causally.

  “Sure, I just cough sometimes.”

  He began playing again and I let him, but in the back of my mind I was worrying.

  Heven

  What if I wasn’t enough? The thought pounded through Gemma’s mind, through her body, like blood pumping through veins. She was scared, more scared than I thought a warrior like her could ever be.

  Her feelings were so strong and so overwhelming that I almost pulled back. Gemma was clearly a woman who felt things with great intensity. It was something I never would have believed about her, but I couldn’t refute it now because it was taking over me. Wasn’t doing this to her a betrayal? She went to great lengths to conceal her true feeling to us all and I was completely disregarding whatever her reasons for doing so.

  But then Gemma looked at him.

  Still and pale, lifeless and cold.

  He was lying in the bed and the only light in the room was from the full moon, which shone brightly through the open windows. Even in the dim lighting I could make out everything. Gemma’s eyesight must be like a cat’s. Clearly, I was seeing the night Gemma pulled Cole out of hell, the night Beelzebub hurt him just to make me watch.

  I’m not going to be enough. He’s going to die and I’m going to lose him. Gemma stood over my brother’s injured body and I felt the cool tear slide down her cheek. He was shirtless with a white sheet pulled to his waist. The dagger that had been buried in his stomach was gone and the wound was closed. It was raised and red, but it wasn’t gaping and bleeding like I imagined. There were angry bite marks along his arms and shoulders and I could see the edge of one that wrapped around the back of his neck. His ribs were purple and swollen as well and I struggled to think of how that injury might have happened. But my thoughts were fleeting as Gemma’s took over.

  She kneeled beside the bed and lifted her hands to hover over his body. She took a deep, steadying breath and tried to gather as much energy as she could and will it through her arms and into her palms. Please be enough, she thought. I felt the warmth flow through her body, her strength push outward toward my brother. The feeling was incredible. It was like a whirlpool inside me that flowed out through my hands and wrapped around Cole’s body. The heat was intense, but it wasn’t burning. It was healing and soft.

  Gemma’s energy began to fade away and her hands began to shake, but still she gave. She reached down into herself and found the last of her energy and sent it out over him. Finally, her hands fell to the mattress and she lifted her head to see if what she had done worked.

  This hadn’t been the first time tonight she had healed him. The first had been when she pulled him through the portal. Then he had gone running back to the fountain, trying to get to me, and broke his ribs.

  Gemma inspected his body where the injuries were and she was satisfied to see the dagger wound even smaller and less red than before. The bite marks on his arms were still there, but they no longer oozed and looked painful. The bruises on his ribs were gone and his skin was smooth and pale once again. She frowned. He was still too pale and he was still unconscious.

  She stood and went to her bag, which lay on the floor near the window, to pull out a jar of salve. She sat it next to a bowl of steaming water on the nightstand and picked up the already dampened rag. Once it was rung out, she used it to wipe his brow and face. Slowly, gently she moved down to his arms and neck, paying close attention to his wounds. When she was finished she replaced the rag and began smoothing the salve over the demon bites. She knew the healings had worked and he wouldn’t be in pain, but this eased her
ache. It was something she could do while waiting for the turmoil inside her chest to release the death grip it had on her heart.

  She’d almost lost him tonight. He was angry with her for pulling him out of hell like that. He had screamed at her when they were free. In his fit of anger, he’d asked her why she bothered to pull him out. Why not just let him die so they would both be free?

  The thought of him dying was like a knife to her heart. She loved him. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone, including Callum. And that was what was so scary. She had given up everything for Callum—her home, her friends, her purpose in life… her beautiful white wings. And now she had nothing left to give.

  Callum had taken it all and then died… died because he made a deal he couldn’t get out of.

  What did she have left to offer Cole?

  She knew he was hurting and she was the cause. What choice did she have? If she told him how she really felt then she would be taking everything from him too. At first, she was relieved he was a Supernal Being. It meant he had an advantage over being just a human. It meant maybe they had a chance at real, lasting love, that even after he died they could still be together. For one perfect moment she actually felt happy.

  But then she remembered.

  If she were to become involved with Cole, she would be putting his soul in danger. She would be gambling with his eternal life.

  As a Supernal Being, he would keep his body forever, even after he died, but he would live in heaven. A place she was no longer welcome. Cole could be punished, stripped of his status—of his body—when he went to heaven. As a fallen angel, she was tainted… and Cole loving someone who was tossed out of heaven would taint him too.

  She should have left before it got this far, but she couldn’t do that either. Before she met Cole, she gave her word to me and Sam. I reminded her so much of herself, of who she used to be. I was so in love and didn’t care about what it cost me. I was a strong girl. Even when I thought I was weak, I wasn’t. My path had been set, but I veered and instead of accepting that I might be compromised, I changed my direction. I made up my mind to change what I could from the place I was in.

  In Gemma’s mind, that was true goodness.

  And Sam… she smiled softly. He might be a hellhound, but there isn’t one evil place lurking inside him. From the minute she sold him that bracelet, she knew he was inherently good. She’d never met another hellhound who could so easily turn his back on the bad qualities of a hellhound yet still use its powers to his advantage. Not even Callum had done that. She had hoped Riley would be that way… but the curse tainted him, made it harder for him to accept goodness.

  How could she leave me and Sam in this mess without helping? She had knowledge and skill that we needed. Sam was a ferocious fighter and determined man, but he needed training so she offered. It was the first time in over a decade she had stayed in the same place for more than a week.

  Cole made a soft sound and her focus went to him. His chest was rising and falling with ease and she laid her palm against his bare skin. His heart beat steadily against her palm and she closed her eyes. So few times she allowed herself to touch him, to really feel him. Sometimes at night she lay awake and thought of the way his lips had felt against hers… His kiss had been devastating.

  If she hadn’t already lost her wings, then she would have given them up for another chance to kiss him like that.

  Her hand began to travel over his skin. It was warming and the color was beginning to return. Her fingers went gently over his abs that were taunt and defined. He’d always been muscular, but all the training had made him more so. He had a sprinkling of black hair across his chest and her fingers teased the strands. Next, her hand went to his shoulder and slid lightly down his arm and over his corded bicep. When her fingers reached his palm, his hand tightened around hers for the briefest of seconds before going lax against the mattress.

  She pulled her hand away quickly, thinking she’d been caught in her perusal of his body. But he was still out, his dark eyelashes casting shadows over his face. Unable to resist, she let her fingers trace the strong brow above his eyes and trail slowly over his cheek to rest at his soft, full lips. She yearned to kiss him again, but she was afraid if she did what was left of her strength would be lost.

  She didn’t have anything to lose, but he did. She couldn’t ask him to give it all up for her. They might share something wonderful for many years while he was alive, but once he died he would lose his body and his status and she would be alone once more.

  She should walk away now. She turned to look at the open window, the curtains floating in the breeze. You could go right now and never come back. They would forget you.

  She turned back and lowered her forehead to the mattress. Should she go? She could watch from afar just to be sure they would all be okay and then leave. Cole would heal and Sam and I were strong enough now to take care of ourselves. And Riley… She’d burned that bridge a long time ago. Fresh tears gathered in her eyes and she let them stain the sheets. Something brushed against the top of her head and she lifted it to look at Cole.

  His eyes were open. She’d never seen anything that blue except in heaven. He cupped her cheek with his callused palm and before she could stop herself she pushed herself closer.

  “You healed me,” Cole whispered.

  “I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough.”

  “It’s exhausted you.” He brushed the pad of his thumb beneath her eyes where there were probably dark circles.

  “Are you in pain?”

  He shook his head. “But you are. Tell me why.”

  “I should go.” She pulled away, gently, remorsefully, and felt bereft from his touch.

  He moved so fast she hadn’t seen it coming. Her exhaustion made her slow and the thought of leaving made her careless. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her backward, the two of them landing on the bed with his body breaking the fall.

  She tried to get up, but his arms clamped around her like vices and she didn’t have the strength to pull away. She didn’t want to.

  “You gave up too much of yourself to heal me,” he whispered. “Let me give you something in return.”

  “I can’t.” She was embarrassed that her voice broke.

  He rolled them over. His body was heavy, pressing her into the mattress. He didn’t try and support his weight on his arms. He knew she could take his weight and she loved the fact that he gave it to her. Before she could say another word, his lips were on hers and what little restraint she had melted away.

  He kissed her softly at first, his mouth meeting hers in the briefest kiss before pulling back to look into her eyes. Then he did it again, testing her will. She had none left and she buried her hands in the dark softness at the back of his head. He groaned and kissed her deeper, his teeth grazing her bottom lip before smoothing his tongue over the same spot.

  His body moved against hers and she relished the feeling. His hand traveled down her side and back up, his fingers splaying out over her neck as he kissed her with an intensity that she never felt before. Everything inside her urged her to get closer, that it wasn’t enough. When he found the hem of her T-shirt and tried to drag it over her head, she gasped.

  He paused in kissing her to look into her eyes.

  “You’re thinking too much,” he murmured and pressed kisses to each of her eyelids.

  But she had to think. Someone had to. If she loved him as much as she knew she did, then she couldn’t let him do this. If they slept together right now, then all would be lost and she would never be able to walk away.

  She put her hands on his shoulders and made like she was going to pull him closer, but then she pushed him away and slid out of the bed.

  “Gemma,” Cole said. Hurt and desire laced his voice.

  “You need food. Something hot that will replenish your body.”

  “I’m not hungry for food,” he growled, reaching for her.

  “I’ll go get you some
and be back. You need to rest.” She rushed to the window as her body screamed to get back in the bed.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” She heard him whisper as she went out into the night.

  When she hit the ground, she stood there for a moment with her eyes closed and body trembling. “I don’t know what else to do,” she whispered into the night. Then she forced herself away from the house and denied herself the pleasure of looking back.

  I gasped and fell backward, the railing of the steps stopping my fall. Gemma’s eyes narrowed as she watched.

  “What did you just do?” She demanded.

  I took a deep breath, struggling to push away her strong feelings. “You really love him.”