He watched me intently, trying to gauge my reaction to his statement.
“Do you really? Do you really get what I’m trying to say?” His question was earnest. I decided to go with total honesty.
“No. I don’t. I don’t get it, Daniel. You like it – but you don’t? Why don’t you just come out and be straight with me? Don’t I deserve that after everything we’ve been through?”
He bit his lip, still seeming unsure. “Leila, there’s a reason I don’t have a girlfriend. Why I don’t even play around with anyone. I won’t risk doing what my dad did to anyone. My mom killed herself because of what he did. Getting her pregnant. Leaving her. I promised myself I would never treat any girl, any woman that way. But now, with you, the past few weeks … it’s like I can’t stop myself from wanting to see you. To be with you. I tell myself, it’ll be okay, we can be friends, we can hang out. I like hanging out with you. It’s all I look forward to every day. But when you’re so close to me like this and you touch me like that, I keep thinking of things that I shouldn’t. That I promised myself I never would.”
“Things?” I whispered the question so softly that he had to lean closer to catch it.
“Yeah, things. Like … this.” He leaned close, so close I hardly dared to breathe. I kept still, so still. His breath was hot against my skin as, hesitantly, his lips met my cheek, lingered and then danced to my mouth. When his lips touched mine, they were feather soft and gentle. His hands came up to cradle my face as we kissed, caressing my throat delicately as if he feared I would shatter in his embrace. He tasted like he smelled. Sweet pineapple and a salty edge of coconut. All my senses drank him in deeply. He was the exhilaration of the rushing falls against my naked skin on a steaming tropical night, the burn of volcanic rock, baked hot in the noon-day sun. He was the caress of a jasmine fragranced breeze as I danced barefoot in a moonlit night. He was all this and more. I drank him in deeply, my hands moving of their own accord to clutch fistfuls of his tousled hair.
“Oww!” His shocked exclamation interrupted our embrace, as he pushed himself away from me, leaving me bewildered. “Aargh, that hurts!?” His face was puzzled and disbelieving as he looked from me to his hands, and then reaching to feel his lips.
What was happening? Flushes of heat swept through me. Again and again. No, something was wrong. The kiss was over but flames were lapping at my feet, burning my insides. I felt hot. So hot. Too hot. The air burned in my chest like a furnace. Burning, burning – like that boy’s face. Flesh scorched and peeling. No, I shook my head in protest.
“No, this can’t be happening. Not again. Not now. Not to you. Please!” I lurched to my feet, looking wildly for an escape. I had to get away from here. Away from Daniel – before I hurt him. I would die rather than hurt Daniel.
“Lei –Leila, what’s happening? Leila!?”
He put his arms around me to keep me captive, stop me from fleeing – only to drop them instantly, wincing with pain.
“Leila?” The fear in his voice was reflected in my eyes. He was afraid of me. The boy I wanted near me with every fiber of my being – was afraid of me. That awful realization only served to heighten the raging fire within. Burning pain like hot knives stabbed at me from all sides, I couldn’t stop it. Please, make it go away. Make it stop.
“Daniel! Daniel, get away from me. Get a-way – from – ME!”
With all my might, I shoved Daniel away from me and fell to my knees as the pain overwhelmed me. I screamed and, with my scream, the fire tore loose and I could contain it no longer. It was an amazing feeling of release to let it go, like the steam in a pressure cooker blowing its top. Flames burst from my entire body, dancing tendrils of red and gold, a fiery sunset lancing the night sky. There was a rushing, crackling in my ears, like I was trapped in the midst of a blazing forest. Yet, incredibly there was no more pain. I was hot – but deliciously so. Like an arctic dweller who glories in the welcome return of the sun. A sunbather reveling luxuriously in sun-baked sand. I stood, raising my arms, gazing in wondrous awe at the liquid fire that swirled and rippled all over them. My clothes had vanished – incinerated in one explosive heartbeat – but a minor detail like nakedness meant nothing to me now. I was on fire. And it didn’t hurt! I was living, breathing molten fire – contained no more in a pitifully weak body of flesh and blood. Skin was replaced by flowing red and gold, like lava. I felt my cheeks, my hair. I breathed and the fire pulsed brighter. I twirled on tiptoe and my flames danced with me. I flicked my fingers – and a tiny fireball flew out, landing, fizzling harmlessly in the evening air. A rush of pure joy ripped through me as I gloried in the full realization of my fiery power. I was virtually indestructible! No-one and nothing could hurt me now. It was the most exhilarating feeling I had ever experienced.
“Woohoo! Yes!” my exultant scream ripped through the darkening evening, scattering a flock of feisty myna birds in the mango tree beside us. I laughed again and experimented, flicking my hands to watch a bigger, basketball-sized circle of fire shoot from my fingers and land on a fallen coconut frond. It burst into flame and I was awash with glee. It was beautiful. It lit up the night and I had created it! I wanted to dance around the flames.
“Leila? Is that you?” the voice was hesitant behind me. I turned, vaguely irritated with the interruption.
Daniel, beautiful Daniel, stared at me in shock, shielding his eyes from the heated sparks that emanated from my new body.
“Yes it’s me! Daniel, I’m on fire and it doesn’t hurt a bit and it’s glorious. See?” I concentrated for the briefest of moments, unsure if my idea would work. I held my breath, letting the steamy furnace build until I could hold it no longer and then blew a huge whooshing breath into the air. A line of fire spewed out of my mouth like fireworks, spinning and spiraling through the sky until it landed several meters away, setting the dry grass alight. I laughed delightedly.
“See? Its magical!” More, I wanted more. More fire, more flames. More fuel. More heat. More power.
Turning to the expanse of grass behind me, I threw balls of fire one after another like an endless flame thrower. The entire field lit up the night. I had never realized how many different colors danced in a fire. At the heart was a scatter of red rubies mingled with sapphire green, twisting upwards into ropes of gold flecked with black diamonds. The smoke was a blanket of grey velvet, plumed with feather-white pearl tendrils. It was mesmerizing. Who could resist it? I walked into the beckoning flames, savoring its embrace. I worshipped the fire and it danced and breathed to my command. Dimly, I heard a voice calling.
“Leila! Leila! Don’t do this, wait. Think about what you’re doing. Leila!”
Daniel was bent double, racked with coughing as smoke choked him. Foolish boy. Why did he not turn and run? Why was he trying to follow me? I motioned for him to go back. The path to the road was clear. He could be out of the fire’s range and breathe easy.
“Go away Daniel! Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Get out of here!”
I strained to hear his reply over the crackling hungry flames all around me.
“No – Leila – the hostel, don’t do it. The hostel!” He pointed behind me, his hoarse scream piercing me with coldness as I followed the direction of his gaze.
My glorious blaze was fast consuming the field and heading straight towards the school dorms. Only a thin ribbon of tar-sealed road separated it from the bushes that skirted the shabby array of buildings. The dining hall, the study, the bedrooms. Rooms where people slept, studied, laughed, lived, and breathed.
It was like a deluge of ice shocking me out of my fiery mania. No, what had I been thinking? What was I doing? People were going to get hurt. I could have hurt Daniel, standing there choking in clouds of smoke he could already be in great danger. Waves of panic swept over me. Where moments before the inferno had been my soul mate, my friend – now it seemed like an uncontrollable beast, hungrily devouring everything in its path. What had I done? What had I created?
“No … plea
se … no, stop. How to stop it? How can I stop it?” I burst into useless tears. Tears that fizzed and hissed in a heartbeat of heat. No amount of crying would help us now. I wrung my hands. No way out of it. It was hopeless. In a few short moments I would be a mass murderer. A killer. In my mind’s eye, I could see it now. People on fire, running in circles, frantically beating at the hungry flames. The smell of flesh scorching, peeling off ashy bone. Screams. Pleas for help. Help that wouldn’t come. I sank to my knees, drained of strength. Unwilling to watch the carnage but unable to take my eyes away. I was drowning in a sea of fiery despair. Suffocating in a red night of terror.
A clear, calm voice spoke with authority and assurance. The voice of one accustomed to being obeyed.
“Leila. Call it back. You can do it. Call it back. Call it back NOW.”
I looked up, eyes glistening with molten tears. Daniel stood as close to me as he dared. The edges of his clothes singed and charred.
“I can’t.” Abject despair in my voice. “I don’t know how.”
“Yes, you can. You have the power. You know you do. You spoke to it before. It listens to you. Call it back now – before it’s too late. Please.”
It was the please that did it. That snapped me out of the depths. Daniel wanted me to call the fire. He believed that I could. And I wanted Daniel to believe in me. Slowly, I raised myself from the ground, closed my eyes and willed for that fiery beast to come home. To listen to me its mistress. To return and feed instead on my molten core. I trembled at the very thought of that massive blaze finding its way back inside me. How could I possibly summon it all when it had grown so exponentially as it fed? But this was my fault. I had to find the strength from somewhere. I opened my eyes and shuddered at the majesty of the sight before me.
Directly ahead of me was a massive wall of fire. The fire had stopped advancing across the field and now it stood waiting. The beast waited for my command. It had halted its onslaught and turned its head. Now, it asked – what would you have me do? Opening my arms, every ounce of my being quivering with fear, I summoned it home.
I burned. Inside and out. I burned. There was indescribable pain and the knife edge of pleasure. It was ecstasy and hell all at once. Then, as swiftly as it had begun, it stopped. I was empty. A dried husk scorched beyond belief. Withered and dead. The steaming wet darkness claimed me. As I fell, I cried his name.
“Daniel.” Please don’t leave me.
It was dark for only a few moments. I heard sirens blaring in the distance, people shouting. I was cold. So cold. Shivering. My eyes flew open, panicked – was the fire still going? Why else would there be sirens? I lay on the dry scratchy grass, the expanse of southern sky staring down at me accusingly. I had defiled the night with hungry flames. It was peaceful no longer. Dogs barked frenziedly up and down the main road, excited by the sounds of panic. Shivering to my very core, I shifted awkwardly, aware that I was wrapped in Daniel’s school shirt. He was kneeling beside me, eyes full of panicked worry.
“Leila – Leila, come on, we have to get out of here before the fire trucks show up. Come on, can you stand?” He whispered urgently in my ear, his hands already raising me to my feet, hurrying me along the graveled drive back to the car. Numbly I complied, too dazed to argue or question. Just grateful that he had not abandoned me to face the consequences of my actions alone.
I managed to choke out a question. “The fire? The dorm?”
“It’s fine. The most of it is out, only the grass is still kinda burning low. Don’t worry, the fire truck can deal with the rest.”
I was in no state to explain or to justify this night. Within minutes, we were in the car, reversing and then speeding out the front school gate.
“Where are we going? Where are you taking me?”
“The hospital. You could be hurt. We need to get you some help.”
“No! I’m fine. Honest. Please just take me home. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
We both knew that wasn’t really true but instead of arguing, Daniel just sighed and nodded. “Fine.”
I sat back in the seat, watching as one and then two fire trucks sped past us, catching glimpses of the worried faces of the fire fighters. Anxious what awaited them at the scene of the fire. Waves of shame railed me. Battering at my frail composure, taking breath-sized chunks out of me. As I thought of those men hastening to stop what I had created, putting their lives at risk for the safety of others, I started to cry. Huge gulping sobs wracked me. And when I remembered the intensity of my fierce joy as the flames had lapped higher – I cringed within and sobbed harder.
How could I have done that? What had come over me? How could I have so quickly become a creature so unfeeling, uncaring of those around me? Of Daniel even – for heaven’s sake! He had stood there, daring the heat, trying to save me from myself, trying to save those people – while I? I had wanted more. I felt sick to my stomach. Daniel didn’t speak as he concentrated on the road, every so often taking quick looks over his shoulder and in the rear-view mirror. I imagined the revulsion he must be enduring just having me in the same space as him and I sobbed more.
We drove like that for about twenty minutes. Me crying and him focused on the road. Until we came to a halt midway up the long drive to my mother’s house. He didn’t speak for several minutes after quitting the engine.
“Leila, are you alright?” He spoke carefully. Was he afraid I would burst into flame again? Was he dreading our every moment together, wondering which breath would be his last before I incinerated him as easily as I had the night? I cried so hard I could barely make out my words.
“D-D-D-Daniel, I’m so-so-so-sorry. I d-d-d don’t know wh-wh-what hap-hap-happened. P-p-please f-f-forgive me.”
He didn’t answer. Just considered me with those flint green eyes of his, a troubled look on his face. The distance between us in the confines of the front seat, gaped screamingly – a vast chasm of unspoken fear and uncertainty. He took his eyes away from me and stared out the window while replying.
“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful – and so terrible in my life.” His voice was a hushed whisper I had to strain to hear. “Leila, you were on fire! You were burning but not only that, it’s like you were possessed by it. I thought you weren’t going to stop, that you were going to burn down the whole school.” He took a deep breath to steady himself then turned to gaze at me earnestly. “That wasn’t you. It wasn’t. That wasn’t the Leila I know. It wasn’t you.”
He was trying to convince himself as much as me that tonight had been an aberration. Some maniacal misfit had taken my place. Some psychotic split personality perhaps. He sought some rational explanation for what did not make sense.
I remembered the countless times my dad had sat me on his lap to gently explain, yet again, that our tempers were something we needed to control, we needed to master. That we must not let our emotions rule us. No matter how powerful they were. I thought of the martial arts training with the finest instructor he could find – always emphasizing the need for inner control, inner peace, mind over the body. I remembered as a young child, the tantrums at my grandmother’s house when my dad went away on assignment, scratching, kicking, biting people. Smashing her fine china. Being forbidden to return until I had learned how to behave. And finally, I thought of the deep sense of satisfaction when I had punched the face of that bitchy girl at school, the complete shock in her blue eyes as my fist connected with her nose – breaking it in two places and requiring plastic surgery to restore it to its former artificial glory. Refusing to apologize, the only thing separating me from expulsion and possible assault charges, the donation of a brand-new science lab and a ridiculously large cash settlement for the girl to assuage her pain. Her return to school two months later, triumphant with new breast implants as well as a new nose but never again daring to call me the daughter of an island whore. Unwillingly, I faced my truth. No, my fiery temper was nothing new. My joy in anger and violence had always been there.
“Leil
a?” Daniel waited for me to answer.
I was unwilling to meet his gaze. If he looked into my eyes now, he would see what I already knew. That the monster he had seen tonight WAS me. The real me. Revealed in all its ugliness. The monster who reveled in administering pain to others, in destroying beauty, and wielding unlimited power. I felt a cold steel resolve dry my tears. I must not let him see me again. He must never be threatened by such a monster again. I could not and would not bear it if tonight happened again. I forced coldness into my words.
“Daniel you don’t really know much about me at all. What you saw tonight? That was me. The real me. I have to go.” I opened the car door roughly, pausing once to look back at him in the darkness. “I’m sorry about tonight. I don’t know what’s going on with me but please, can you not say anything to anyone about it? Please?”
“Of course. But Leila, wait! We need to talk about this. We can’t just leave it like this. Come back.”
Swiftly, he got out of the car and came over to stop me with one hand on mine. “Don’t go. Please. I don’t want you to go.”
Telesa - The Covenant Keeper Page 24
