I gazed up at him, the concern in his eyes and I almost faltered, leaning into his strength for one fragile moment. But it was enough. For me to see the slight redness on the side of his face, the splatter burns on his arms and bare chest. My indrawn breath was one of pain as I reached out to gently trace the evidence of my fiery outburst. Shaking my head, I spoke with finality.
“I hurt you tonight Daniel. And I’m sorry. I never want to do that again. Let me go. Nafanua will be worried and I don’t know how to explain this to her. I’m tired. I don’t want to be with you any more. I shouldn’t have kissed you tonight. It wasn’t what I wanted. This – you and me – it’s not going to work. I don’t want it to. I just want us to be friends, that’s all. Just let me go, okay?”
His face shut down at my words. He nodded stiffly and released me, backing away slowly. “Oh, of course. I’m sorry. About tonight. About earlier. About all of it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
His impassive face belied his disinterest. Where once I had burned – now ice gripped me. This was it. Daniel would never want me again. Hold me. Kiss me. Love me.
“Good night Daniel.” Without waiting for a reply, I turned and walked up the drive, too numb for tears.
His reply was to gun the motor and drive back the way we had come.
The house was dark. I welcomed the shadows as I opened the front door.
“What happened tonight, Leila?” my mother’s voice startled me from the living room. She stood, with arms on her hips and repeated her question.”Leila, what happened to you tonight?” There was no anger in her voice. No recrimination or accusations. Rather, there was a sense of subdued excitement as she walked forward, turning on the light to better appraise my appearance. The tense excitement in the air was so thick it almost crackled. Her eyes were gleaming, red lips stretched wide in a hungry smile. She sniffed at the smoky air around me. Like a Doberman on the hunt. I had never been so afraid of anyone then as I was of her at that moment.
I backed away several paces, until my back was against the front door. “Umm, nothing?”
“Oh don’t be ridiculous, you foolish child. Look at the state you’re in.” She waved a hand impatiently. “I’m not angry. I want to know – I need to know – what happened to you tonight? Tell me everything.”
“I went out with Daniel. We went to the school field to train together. And then, something happened.” I stopped short, unwilling to put into words the horror of the night.
She grabbed my arm, red nails digging into already tender flesh. Her face was alight with a terrible joy that threatened to explode. I wondered how my father had loved this woman with her frightening beauty and steel-like edge.
Abruptly, she loosed her grip to take a deep breath. Her voice softened as she changed her tactic. “Leila I can tell that something…wonderful has happened to you. I need you to trust me enough to tell me what that something was. I can help you, but you must trust me and tell me. What happened tonight?”
How I longed to believe her. To trust her words. I needed to find some sanity in this night of madness. I started to shake, waves of coldness rushing over me in a delayed reaction of shock. Nafanua held me close in her arms, patting my hair and soothing me softly as I shook.
“There, there … it’ll be alright. Hush … hush … we will take care of you. Don’t be afraid … Come sit, you’re like ice.”
She guided me to the sofa, still keeping me close. I tried to speak but the shivering wouldn’t allow it.
“It’s alright, my daughter. It’s alright. I am here.” Nafanua continued to rock and soothe me for several minutes until the shaking subsided. She brushed strands of hair out of my face, pulling some close to breathe the smoke that soaked me.
“Oh my daughter you have much to tell me.” She was triumphant, rigid with excitement again. I was so relieved to have a mother to confide in that I ignored the warning instinct that whispered unease within.
“I don’t know what happened … I … I was with Daniel and then I was so hot I was burning and then I exploded – I literally exploded into flames. My whole body was on fire but it didn’t hurt. I still don’t understand it … I can’t believe it – but it was real. Nafanua – it was real – I swear it!” I pleaded with her to believe me. I needed her to believe me. To make sense of it for me.
Rather than the incredulous reaction I expected, Nafanua jolted to her feet, her whole body exultant. “YES! I knew it! I knew it!” she seemed to forget I was there as she paced back and forth, muttering to herself. “I told them, I knew it, I felt it. She’s the one. She has to be.”
I felt very tired. Very dirty and very unclothed as I sat and watched her jittery high. Nafanua stopped mid mutter and refocused on me.
“Leila, you are descended from a very powerful line of spirit women. What happened to you tonight was – magical – you could call it. We – I – like to call it a – a – spiritual manifestation of the earth goddess. Pele, the goddess of fire, earth has chosen you to be her conduit. This is a sacred gift, Leila. Not something to be taken lightly – but then not something that should frighten you or inspire dread. As my daughter, it was always a possibility that one, if not more, of the earth’s forces or powers would be gifted in you, lying dormant until you reached maturity, but we could never be certain.”
I couldn’t have been more confused than if she spoke a stream of gobbledegook. Spirits? Goddesses? Earth powers and forces? What the heck was this woman on about? Was she insane? Was this why my father had warned me away from coming to this place? Because he knew his wife, the mother of his only daughter, was mentally unwell? And he didn’t think I could handle it? Nafanua’s explanation continued.
“What you’re telling me about what happened tonight – I have been watching and hoping it would be so. Only I wasn’t sure. There are those who doubt the gift of Pele still lives within us. They believe that it’s been far too long and the bloodline has been too diluted. It doesn’t help that more and more people turn away from our gifts every year. They are so eager to embrace the knowledge and medicine of the Western world that they trample the gifts of the earth mother under their feet.” Nafanua’s face darkened, her eyes flashing black fire in the night. I hugged Daniel’s thin shirt closer to me and shivered. I wished suddenly that he were here. That he hadn’t driven off without a backward glance. Or that I was with him in the comfort of his grandmother’s kitchen. Instead of sitting here, alone in an empty house with nothing but a madwoman for company.
“I see that you doubt my words, that you think me crazy.” Nafanua laughed. It only served to heighten my growing alarm. I tensed as she sat down next to me, taking my hands in hers.
“Leila, I know that you are scared right now. Confused. Something happened to you tonight, something terrible but beautiful in all its splendid immensity. It made you feel limitless. Untouchable. It took you far beyond yourself. Am I right?” she looked at me searchingly.
I nodded slowly. “Yes.”
She continued, “Tonight you felt terror but you also felt great joy unlike anything else, didn’t you?” She cast a slow sideways glance at my shocked face.
She knew. This woman knew what I had felt tonight. Maybe she was crazy, but what a relief to find someone who could understand my experience. I let out a huge pent-up breath.
“Oh Mother,” it was the first time I had called her that, but if she noticed my inadvertent slip up, she made no sign of it “it was terrifying, truly it was. The fire, it burned so strong and fast that the whole school field was in flames but it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I wanted it to grow, to cover as far as I could see. It’s like me and the fire were one. It was consuming me, but I loved it. I could throw fire balls and spit fireworks and sparks…and I nearly burned down the school dorm and I could have killed people. I’m a horrible person!” My excited rave turned into chagrin as I remembered how close I had come to causing tragedy.
“No, don’t be foolish. Of course you’re no
t.” She spoke sharply, as one confronted with a nonsensical child. “The gift of Pele is awe inspiring. You must never be ashamed of the joy it gives you. You must embrace your birthright. You would be ungrateful if you did anything different. And Pele does not tolerate ingratitude kindly. So, you set fire to a field. So what. And a school dorm? It’s good for people to be confronted with the powers that they so easily forget. I would not give it a moment’s thought. Clearly, you did NOT kill anyone, so let us move on.” She leapt to her feet again, pacing with nervous excitement. “Oh my precious daughter, there is so much to be done now. You don’t realize how long we as a people, have waited your arrival. Have longed for the power that you will give us. The simple fact alone that Pele has chosen once again, one of her daughters to speak and act for her. There will be much rejoicing amongst us. But there’s so much for you to learn, so much we must teach you. You have been denied years of essential training because of that man’s stubbornness.”
Through my tears, a cold fist clenched at my insides as I heard her mention ‘that man,’ my father. The father who had lied to me and gone to extreme lengths to keep me from ever even knowing my own mother. I had been angry at his deceit, but as Nafanua ranted on about ‘spirit sisters’ and sisterhood meetings and other meaningless jargon, I knew with a clear certainty that it had been a mistake to trust her. So what if Dad had lied to me. He had been trying to protect me. I was sure of it. From a scene exactly like this one. I looked at her wild eyes, her gleeful smile as she spoke of the volcano goddess and I felt an overwhelming pull of love and appreciation for my dad. I sent him a prayer of thanks. Thank you for sparing me a mother like this. Thank you. But now he was gone. And thanks to my choices in the last few months, here I was in my crazy mother’s house.
The unease that Nafanua invoked in me was now heightened with the realization that not only was she not surprised by my fiery explosion, but it was as if she had even been expecting it. Waiting for it. My mistrust grew. She had sought me out. Professed to love me. Wanted to get to know me. Pleaded with me to come and stay in her Aleisa colonial-style mansion. Given me extravagant gifts. Unlimited freedom. I shivered. I thought I wanted someone to make sense of my fire but now, seeing it in a new light of cold calculation made me wish desperately that she had run screaming from the room at my story and made plans for my admission to a psych ward. It was all too much for me. I closed my eyes wearily, waves of exhaustion shrouding me in their drowning pull.
Abruptly Nafanua stopped in her fervor as if remembering I was there. “But of course you must be exhausted. You need to shower, sleep, take a breath. Give it time for everything to sink in. And then tomorrow, when you’re rested, we will talk again. I will tell you everything. And all of this uncertainty and doubt, it will be gone.”
Gratefully, I clutched at this escape clause, no matter how temporary it might be. “Okay, yes. I need to sleep. This has all been too crazy for me. Can we talk about it tomorrow, please?”
Nafanua embraced me fiercely and whispered in my ear. “Of course. I’m so proud of you Leila. So excited for us. The future is limitless for us now!”
She stood at the foot of the stairs and watched me as I went up to my room. In the quiet confines of my room I shivered, hugging my arms to my body, trying hard to instill some measure of sanity to this night. Get a grip Leila. Get a grip. Breathe. You can do this.
I had confronted two realities on this cataclysmic night. I had gone running with Daniel and he had kissed me. Or rather we had kissed each other. And it had been amazing. Far more head spinning than anything a lame teen movie could ever depict. For those brief moments, I had been sure that Daniel felt as powerfully for me as I did for him. My brain shied away from what had come next, but I forced myself to confront it. Then I had burst into flames. My whole body had been on fire, and it hadn’t hurt and that had been amazing too. In fact, it had been more exhilarating than the kiss that had provoked it. I halted the train of thought with a jarring crash. Wait up. Had his kiss provoked the fire? Or rather my swirl of heat and adrenaline and hormones and all sorts of crazy chemicals going haywire at a first kiss – had those ignited the flames? What did that mean? I thought back to the previous occasions when the heat attacks had threatened to overwhelm me. The day of the fight at Leififi when the boy had tried to hurt me. I had been scared – no, then I had gotten angry, and the fire had burned and actually manifested outwardly. And then tonight, the kiss. I had been awash with sheer pleasure and excitement. And the fire had exploded. As I tracked the timeline, I realized the fire had been simmering ever since I arrived in Samoa. And it had grown. It exploded when I was threatened, when I got angry and when – I blushed in the darkness – I was physically aroused.
A horrible possibility began to dawn, did that mean that any hope for a relationship with anyone, forever was doomed? I thought of Daniel. The sunlight of his smile. His golden laugh and the way it warmed me. The strong, sure way he held my hand in his, the peace and contentment it gave me to be with him. At our rock pool. In his grandmother’s garden. At the workshop with fireworks skipping about our feet as he guided my trembling hands with the welder. The way a simple half grin from him could soothe my heated temper and avert one of my mini meltdowns. I thought of the joy of finding someone who could know your soul in all its misery and still want to be with you. I was certain a bond like that didn’t happen very often in one lifetime. And now, would I have to give it all up? Because it was too dangerous to be with him? Bone tired, I fell asleep with that final thought. Curled in a crumpled heap on the floor. In the house of a madwoman who was my mother.
I awoke with a start, cramped muscles aching from their night on the floor. Disoriented for a few moments, I could only shake my head blearily, wondering why I was asleep under my bed. Then the thirst hit me. And all I could think of was the raging drive to find water. Now. Stumbling to my feet, I made my ragged way to the bathroom sink, turning on the faucet and taking huge gulps of water. Too thirsty to worry about the nasty bugs probably squirming their way into my system right now. It seemed I would never get enough water. I felt a headache beginning to pound its way through my brain and a wave of dizziness had me gripping the sink tightly for support. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I was horrified with what I saw. Yes, my eyes were bleary tired. And my cheeks were smudged with black soot. And words could not describe the state of my hair. And yet, even under all that, a stranger looked back at me. I looked different. I gazed at the stranger in the mirror, and she stared back at me. She was beautiful. High cheekbones, sensuous lips, even the lush eyebrows had shape and definition. The stranger looked familiar. She looked like my fiercely beautiful mother and her sisters.
No, I had to be imagining things. People don’t just wake up in the morning after a hell-ish night and look like something else. Shaking my head in denial, I stripped off Daniel’s shirt and stepped into the shower, hungry for the rousing jet of cold water. Unwilling to emerge to face my reality, that’s where I stayed, taking the longest shower of my life. Wishing that the spray could erase the night before. Wash away the weird genetic discrepancy or whatever it was, that would cause a person to erupt into flame. Set my world on fire. And almost fry the boy I loved to a crisp.
A night where my unnaturally strange mother would become even more unnatural. And claim me as hers. As one of her ‘spirit sisters’. Whatever the heck that was. I felt bile rise in my throat as I was reminded of Nafanua’s exultant response to my story the previous night. Panic pulsed in my chest. Desperate and ragged. I gripped the walls for support. Stay calm Leila. Get a grip. Breathe. I knew I had to think very carefully and not run screaming from my mother’s house. Because I had the awful suspicion she wouldn’t let me get very far…
More than ever before, I needed to be in control of my emotions. I needed to be the consummate actress. I needed to be as calm and unruffled as … as Grandmother Folger in any crisis. I smiled weakly to myself as I thought of my grandmother. And caught a sob midway in my throat a
s a wave of homesickness assailed me. It surely was a time for firsts. Because this was the first time I had ever longed to be in that woman’s house. Safe in the civilized world of decorum and etiquette. More than anything, I wanted to call my grandmother. And ask her to come rescue me from my life. And as the tears escaped, I admitted to myself and the four walls of my shower, that if I called her, she would come. And she would do anything and everything to keep me safe. That realization alone gave me strength. To make some decisions. I was leaving. This house. I was going to get as far away from Nafanua as possible. Once I had distance between us, I was sure that I could figure things out.
I dressed and shoved my few belongings into a backpack. Thank goodness I was a light traveler. Taking a deep breath and steeling my resolve, I ran lightly down the stairs, hoping I could slip undetected out the back door. Raised voices from the kitchen stopped me. Nafanua and Sarona? Arguing.
Nafanua’s voice was menacing. “I am the Covenant Keeper, Sarona. And I say that this child is the solution we have been waiting and hoping for. She can right the imbalance once and for all.”
Sarona interrupted her, “Until a few days ago, you hadn’t even met her. What do you really know about her? Nothing! Your feisty husband made sure of that. I will tell you the only thing we do know with certainty – she’s not a child. She’s already eighteen years old. Far too old to be trained, to be pliable. She cannot be trusted or controlled. You know I’m right. It would have been different if we’d found her when she was ten or even twelve. As it is, she’s nothing but a threat to us. And she needs to be dealt with.”
Telesa - The Covenant Keeper Page 25
