“Umm, so tonight was pretty awesome wasn’t it?” I tried for casual.
“Actually, I thought it was awful.”
His curt response cut me to the quick. “Oh.”
He gave me a quick sideways glance. “For me I mean. Not you. You were amazing out there. I’ve never seen anybody dance like you. And your malu, it was beautiful.”
“Oh. Thanks.” The silence was suffocating. I tried again. “I don’t think anybody was looking at the dancing though. Not when you were singing. You never told me you wrote your own music. Or that you could sing like that.” A hint of accusation crept into my voice.
He laughed softly but there was no joy in it. “Leila, there’s a lot of things we never got the chance to tell each other. Have you forgotten that this is the first time we’ve been alone in weeks? The first time we’ve actually had a conversation in ages? You know, when you’re not trying to run away from me or push me away.”
I stared at the dashboard and then couldn’t resist throwing a barb of my own. “Well, it didn’t seem to bother you much. I don’t know why you’re giving me a hard time about it, seeing as how you seem to be pretty busy and pretty happy with Mele these days.”
He jammed his foot on the brake and abruptly pulled the truck over to the side of the road. Simone and Sinalei called out at the sudden jolt. “Hey!” and he ignored them. Instead he turned off the ignition and turned in his seat so he was facing me. So I couldn’t evade his eyes. There was restrained anger in his voice.. “What the hell are you talking about? Me and Mele? I don’t think so. She’s my best friend’s girlfriend remember? And besides, why would I even be thinking about anyone else when …” He broke off abruptly and turned away.
“When what?”
“When the only person I think about is you!” He almost shouted the words at me and I shrunk back against their force. “You told me to stay away from you, remember, Leila? And that’s what I’ve been trying to do. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m turning into a stalker for goodness sake.”
I was confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that, every day for the last two months, I’ve been calling your house. Texting your phone. Driving up to Aleisa every other day and not even getting past the front gates, just listening to that woman, Netta, tell me on the intercom that you’re not there. You’re too busy – studying, working, doing I don’t know what. And then the other week, when I’m driving back down to town, what do I see? You and some guy going past in his red truck. The same guy that picked you up from school the other day. You told me that you didn’t want to be around me because it was ‘too dangerous.’ Well, obviously it’s not too dangerous for HIM to be around you.”
My protest was an indrawn breath. “No Daniel, it’s not like that. He’s a scientist here with a team of researchers studying volcanoes and Nafanua’s helping to finance their work. He’s been running tests on me, trying to figure out the science of this stuff. He’s going to find a cure for me. Make it go away so that I can be regular, normal. So that I won’t hurt people.” My voice died away. But in my mind I added, So I can be with you. Kiss you, hug you, love you.
Daniel shook his head and continued like I hadn’t even spoken. “I know that I should just forget about you. That I should just take the huge hint and leave you alone. But then we get pushed into doing this culture item together and I have to sing to you, pour my heart out on stage and I hate it. I hate this. You. Me. Like this. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Believe me Leila, I want to forget about you. The past month has been hell.”
I stared at him with shock. And pain. But any reply was halted by a banging from the back of the truck as Simone voiced his impatience.
“Would you two get a move on! We’re starving here and sitting in the back of a truck on the side of the road is NOT our idea of a celebration! Come on, what’s happening? Let’s go.”
Daniel sighed impatiently and swiftly got the truck on and back on the road. His lips were set in a determined angry line and his every change of the gears spoke of his irritation. With me. With everything.
Neither of us spoke again for the rest of the drive to town. McDonald’s was packed with SamCo students. Everyone had the same idea as us and the place was rowdy and jubilant. The staff and the air conditioning were struggling to cope with the influx of teenagers. There were whoops and cheers when the boys saw Daniel.
“Sole man! Nice one tonight ay!”
He greeted them with a wry shake of his head and a half smile before turning to look down at me. Strict politeness. “So what’ll you have, Leila?”
I was trying unsuccessfully not to get too close to him in the jostling crowd and he frowned as a particularly eager customer shoved past me. Quickly, he pulled my hand to move me a little ways behind him, sheltering me with his arm against the throng. A move that was not lost on Simone. He yelled at us from the other side of the queue. “You two go ahead with your orders. Me and Sinalei are going to join those guys over there okay?” Daniel waved them on and they disappeared in the crowd.
Leaving me alone. With Daniel – and about fifty other people all wanting to order food. Again he turned to ask me, “What do you want to order?”
In the loud, colorful bustle of a busy fast food restaurant, it was difficult to still be stuck in the quagmire of awkwardness that had held us in the truck. The feeling of his arm casually looped over my shoulder was surreal. It was like I was a regular teenager out for a meal with the boy she loved. I realized that I was ravenous. I hadn’t eaten all day thanks to the excitement of preparation and now I felt weak with hunger. “I’m gonna get a Big Mac combo upsized and a super sundae with an apple pie. And a diet coke.”
He laughed, shaking his head and I gave him a frown. “What! What’s wrong? Why are you laughing at me?”
Still shaking his head, he leaned down to tease me. “I thought you only ate leaves and stuff.”
I sniffed indignantly. “Whatever. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving. Dancing is hard work you know.”
He smiled again. “Hey don’t go getting mad at me – I know better than to get in the way of a hungry girl and a Big Mac. Come on, let’s get you fed.”
The rest of the evening flew by in a haze of laughter and lightness. In unspoken agreement, we each put aside any more mention of designated ‘sensitive’ topics and instead focused on food and a light recap of the night’s festivities. It was with a sinking feeling that I noticed the time and knew I had better start making my way home or else Aunty Matile would never forgive me. We said goodnight to Simone and Sinalei who were getting rides home with another girl’s parents and made our way back to the truck.
The drive back to Faatoia was quiet, but a peaceful kind of quietness. I stole a glance at Daniel’s profile in the moonlight, storing him away in my mind. Who knew when I would have another chance to be with him like this? In another week I would be on my way back to the US. To more tests and experiments. The thought of leaving Samoa, leaving the possibility of seeing Daniel was a stab of pain. But the thought of Jason finding a way to cure me was the light of hope in the darkness that I clung to. I smiled to myself as I thought about the possibility of coming back to Samoa a changed person. Able to love Daniel.
“What is it?”
“What’s what?”
“You’re smiling to yourself. How come?”
“Oh nothing. Just thinking.”
“About what?”
We had arrived at the box house nestled in its cheerful garden. Daniel turned in the drive and turned off the engine. There was a rugby game on television. I could hear Uncle Tuala cheering. I knew Aunty Matile would be up waiting for me, unable to sleep until I got home. Cooking probably. A waft of fresh-baked coconut buns confirmed my suspicions. As we sat there in the dark cab looking at the peaceful little house, I felt a warmth of love for the two people inside.
“I had a good time tonight. With you. The culture show was an amazing exp
erience. One I’ll never forget.”
“Me neither. I’m glad I was singing to you and not some other girl.” He spoke lightly to lessen the cut of his words, “I didn’t need to fake the heartbreak and gut-wrenching disappointment!”
There was a poignant silence. Which I broke first. “Daniel, I’m going away next week. Back to America. With Jason and his team. They’re going to run some tests and see what they can do to help me get over this fire thing.”
“Are you sure you should be doing that? I mean, what’s involved? Maybe I’ve seen too many science fiction conspiracy theory movies, but how do you know you can trust these people? What if they hurt you?”
“No, Jason’s not like that. I know him. He’s a good friend and I know that I can trust him. There isn’t the equipment here in Samoa that he needs to do this. Back in America, things will go much faster and it’s way more likely that he can get some answers to this. And then, I can be fixed, don’t you see?” I turned excited eyes at him.
“No I don’t see. Leila, I’m not so sure that you need fixing.”
“What do you mean? Of course I need fixing. You saw me that other night, saw what happened. I don’t think you realize how close I come every day to blowing people up, setting everything on fire. My everyday life is like walking on eggshells. I have to watch my every thought, my every move, my every emotion – in case it triggers an outburst. I don’t want to live like this.”
“But why do you need to resort to a cure? You talk about this like you’re some kind of mutant animal or something. I just think you’re investing an awful lot of trust in this man. You’re going to go with him to America, put yourself totally in his hands, let him do all kinds of things to you – and for what? Maybe there is no ‘cure’ as you call it …” his voice died away at my outraged expression.
“What are you saying? Of course there’s a cure, there has to be.”
“I’m just saying that maybe you’re rushing into things with this guy, this Jason. Give it some time. Can’t you get somebody you trust in the States to check it all out better first? His lab, his reputation, him? What about your grandmother? She sounds like she’s got loads of connections, can’t you ask her to find out if this Jason guy is legit?”
I shook my head impatiently. I didn’t want to hear this. Daniel didn’t know Jason like I did. He didn’t trust him because he didn’t know him. The night I had spent with Jason, when he had honored my request to be a friend, and all his efforts to help me had created a bond between us that could not be explained. But how could I explain that to Daniel? I turned away from him in the car and bit my lip.
“Leila?” My name was soft on his lips and I couldn’t ignore it. “Look at me. Please?”
I turned. Daniel leaned forward and brought his hand up to caress my face. I had longed for his touch for so long that I went weak. “I don’t want us to fight. It’s just that, to be totally honest, I don’t want you to go.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged, “I mean, I’m asking you, please don’t go back to America. I want you to stay. Here. I don’t want you to go.”
He was going to kiss me. I knew it. I felt it with every fiber of my being. And I wanted it with every breath, every empty moment that needed him to be complete. But even as my soul hungered for it, I was pulling away. Fumbling for the door handle to get out of the truck. Now. As quickly as possible. Half falling out of the cab, struggling to stand upright, to breathe, to back away. My mind raged with images of telesā setting a village alight. Killing people. He looked confused.
“Where are you going? What is it?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m sorry. This, us, we can’t. It’s not right. We’re not right.” I slammed the car door, grateful for a barrier between us.
“Wait! We need to talk about this.”
I was backing away. “No. There’s nothing to talk about. I already told you, I don’t want to be with you. Stop harassing me like this. I don’t want to be with you. Go away. Just go home. You’re better off without me, trust me.”
And with that, I turned and ran into the house, unwilling to even look back, unsure if I could handle seeing his face one more time. A hasty greeting to Matile and Tuala and I was in the safety of my room, shaking with the effort required not to explode. Not to flash spark. No, no, breathe. Stay calm. You can do this. A shower. That’s what I needed. I grabbed that thought with relief and rushed to the bathroom. Only to grit my teeth in frustration at the tiny trickle of water that dripped from the tap. Of course, Samoa and its water pressure problems meant late night showers were impossible. Argh! Back in my room it was a long wait until Matile and Tuala went to bed and I judged it safe enough to creep out carrying my towel. Tonight I needed the soothing chill of my pool. Me and Daniel’s pool.
FIFTEEN
I ran through the green night driven by helpless rage and frustration. As soon as I reached the pool, I centered my emotions and let my fists blaze vivid red and gold, wishing there was stone and steel that I could vent my emotions on. I wanted to throw fireballs. I wanted to see the entire forest go up in flames and the night sky choke with grey smoke. For a few moments I battled for control, reminding myself that the green beauty around me didn’t deserve to burn just to satisfy my desire to hurt something. Anything.
Instead I knelt beside the pool and submerged my fiery hands, hearing the fizz and hiss as water met fire. I peeled off my shirt and shorts and took slow, hesitant steps into my pool of sanctuary, feeling the rage, the hurt and pain seep away in the water’s embrace. I waded in deeper until I was completely submerged, allowing water to lap over my tortured body, putting any threat of fire to rest. Slowly, I swam to my spot beside the diamond waterfall, letting its spray wash away my tears. It had been a long time since I came here to cry, and I had forgotten the peace that it always brought me. I had my back to the forest but, when I heard footsteps in the undergrowth, I spun around in the water.
“Who is that? Who’s there?” There was no fear in my voice. Fire had done that to me at least. Banished fear of attackers and bogeymen in the night. I tensed to summon flames but didn’t need to. Daniel stepped quietly into the clearing.
“Hey. It’s just me.”
“What are YOU doing here?!” my voice was rough as I shrunk back into the black water.
“Looking for you.” He shrugged. “I know where you go when you’re lonely, Leila, when you’re sad. I hoped I would find you here.” He spoke quietly in the quiet night. The sounds of evening faded around me as his flecked green eyes caught mine and held me captive.
“What do you want?” again I spoke curtly. The two of us alone with a moonlit pool was far too familiar a scene and I wanted him to leave. Quickly, while reason still controlled me.
“We need to talk.”
“No. We already said everything we needed to say to each other. You have to leave. Go away.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. You did all the talking and I didn’t get a chance to say what I need to.”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Daniel. I don’t want to be anywhere near you. I thought I made that very clear.” Every word was cutting my soul to shreds.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Excuse me?” Disbelief colored my reply as Daniel swiftly pulled his t-shirt up over his head and waded into the water. I caught my breath at the sight of his torso in all its defined glory. “What are you doing?”
“I’m coming over there to talk to you.”
Frantically, I backed away, further towards the waterfall. “No. You can’t. I don’t want you to. I don’t want you anywhere near me, you hear?”
He ignored me. In seconds, he was only an arm’s length away, water droplets shimmering silver on his skin as he stood and stared down at me, holding up his hands in surrender. He spoke softly, a calming buffer against my growing hysteria.
“Leila. I just want to talk to you. That’s all. Please just listen to me and when I’m done, I’ll leave
you alone. If you still want me to, okay? I promise.”
I looked at the raw, honest plea in his eyes and couldn’t refuse him. Not when he stood this close to me and only silken water separated us. Not when all I wanted was to feel his skin against mine. Encouraged by my silence, he continued.
“I know you’re afraid to be with me. I know that you’re trying to deal with some really powerful stuff. I know you think that it’s too dangerous for me to be near you. But there’s something you need to know. About me.” He paused and I could feel the hesitancy in the air as he steeled himself to continue. “I love you. And I can’t be without you any more. I want to be everything to you. But if I can’t, then I’ll be what you want me to. Your friend. Your debate sparring partner.” A crooked smile as he paused before proceeding. “Your designated driver. The guy who picks you up the next time you pass out in the hallway. Heck, I’ll even settle for being the guy who gets his eyebrows torched – just so that I can give you my shirt when you burn all your clothes off.”
Telesa - The Covenant Keeper Page 43
