Necessary Secrets

by Greg McGee

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand

  ISBN E:978-1-988516-70-7

  ISBN M:978-1-988516-71-4

  An Upstart Press Book

  Published in 2019 by Upstart Press Ltd

  Level 4, 15 Huron Street, Takapuna

  Auckland, New Zealand

  Text © Greg McGee 2019

  The moral rights of the author have been asserted

  Design and format © Upstart Press Ltd 2019

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  The author gratefully acknowledges the assistance of a Creative New Zealand grant in the writing of this novel.

  E-book by www.cvdgraphics.nz

  For Mary

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Greg McGee has written for theatre, film and television, in which he has won numerous awards. More recently he has concentrated on prose. Under the pseudonym of Alix Bosco he won the 2010 Ngaio Marsh Award for best crime fiction novel for Cut & Run, and was a finalist the following year with Slaughter Falls. He has since written his first novel under his own name, Love & Money, and the biographies of Richie McCaw and Brendon McCullum. He was the 2013 Katherine Mansfield Menton Fellow, where he wrote The Antipodeans, a best-seller in New Zealand which was long-listed for the 2016 Ockham New Zealand Book Awards. He lives in Auckland.

  spring

  I DON’T WANT to leave a mess. That would be unfair on Ellie, who’d no doubt be the one to discover me. Unless I leave a note on the bedroom door. Don’t come in, Ellie, phone for the ambulance. But ambulances don’t come for corpses. Best to keep it short. I am dead. Deceased? Why does Monty Python’s parrot come to mind? I am no more. That’s the essential problem: I am less, much less, than I used to be.

  There’s no guarantee this pistol will work. The armourer on that gig – what was his name? I have a feeling it began with B. Not Bob, Bill . . . on that shoot for . . . Was it biscuits? Mint creams? How could I have worked guns into a television commercial for mint creams? I wouldn’t put it past me. Anyway, that armourer beginning with B on that shoot for, possibly, mint creams, gave me this snub-nosed Walther PPK. When I say ‘gave’, I mean I paid him several hundred for it. I told Bevan – Bevan! – I told Bevan I’d love to have it because it was James Bond’s weapon of choice back in the days when Sean Connery was Bond. I haven’t been able to watch any of those subsequent Bonds, those thoroughly wrong iterations. I persuaded that armourer whose name begins with B but is not Bob or Bill, against his better judgement, to leave one bullet in the magazine. B was nakedly greedy, and open to monetary persuasion, as most people are. He could, I explained, take my cash, report it stolen to future-proof his, as I recall, considerable arse, and claim the insurance. His additional insurance, I told him, was that if I did anything silly with the pistol, he could deny selling or giving it to me and I would be prosecuted as a thief. I was good back then – when would that have been, the nineties perhaps? More likely the cowboy eighties, before Health and Safety started applying a tourniquet to our red-blooded mercenary endeavour. I was good at seeing the angle back then. Exploiting the crack the angle exposed. So here he is, my snub-nosed Walter, with his one bullet. My lead pill.

  I did look at other options. Nembutal had its attractions: a glass of wine in accompaniment, being found asleep in one’s bed. No mess. But I can’t ask young Jeetan, my doctor, to compromise himself, with his brilliant career still in front of him. I would have to scurry around elsewhere. Exit might have helped in the procurement, but the police are on to them, with a woman recently arrested for doing exactly that.

  The online option might have appealed. I do like online shopping. For shoes, mainly. I saw Paul Smith brogues with exposed stitching on sale for $299 at that corner menswear shop. I went outside, sat on the bench under the pin oak with my iPhone and found an online retailer who was selling them at $125. I bought two pairs as an up-yours to the rapacious margins of the locals. I will probably never get to wear them. I’m no longer on anyone’s D list and don’t leave the house much, except to do my rounds, clear the box, order a flat white, say hello to someone I know passing by, there’s always someone – I used to know a lot of people, in a superficial way – sit in the sun, take home a sandwich. I always wear Nike Air Force 1s on my rounds, not as light as the modern trainers, but robustly structured. They provide the pneumatic cushion my knee cartilages no longer manage. I have a dozen AF 1s, fly-knit, suede and leather mainly, trainers, Ultra Forces, LV8s, Premiums, all colours of the rainbow, enough to rotate so that my bunioned feet, gouted toes, heel spurs and plantar fasciitis don’t deform the inner soles. I order them online from ASOS and they arrive from Vietnam or China or wherever within ten days, plenty long enough for me to forget having ordered them, or even what I’ve ordered, and when the courier delivers them I am like a child at Christmas, full of anticipation and delight as I unwrap my treasure. When I do my rounds in my Air Force 1s, I get knowing thumbs-up from sneaker-nerds, like Ethan, the Tokelauan barista. ‘Old school!’

  Vain probably, brand-Nazi certainly – how could I be other? It’s what I did. I’ve always been an enthusiastic consumer, able to effortlessly believe my own hype, buy whatever I was selling and much else besides. Shopping used to be such a mindless pleasure, but Ellie threw a wobbly when those Paul Smiths turned up on the credit card bill. ‘How can I get it through to you, Dad? We have no money!’ That sounded overly dramatic, even by my standards. I’m a fish who is used to swimming in a sea of money; I’ve never read a budget that didn’t have a bit of fat secreted here and there if you knew where to look. But it seems to be a sincerely held belief, as all Ellie’s beliefs are. No more mystery boxes from China or Vietnam or wherever.

  An online order for a fatal dose of Nembutal wouldn’t have much attraction, no matter what sort of wrapping it came in. But I was seriously contemplating it, until a couple of pensioners got arrested for importing it from China and Mexico. It wasn’t the prospect of being arrested that put me off, it was being publicly named, and my intentions being known. When I go, it will be without a build-up. I’m determined there’ll be no trailers before that feature, just a final video farewell after the fact, which I’ve already recorded and lodged deep in the pocket of my Rainbird jacket. It has no cumbersome fleece lining, just a thin-skinned waterproofing, protection enough for an Auckland spring, where squalls fly in from the west like children’s tantrums, short and intense. I seldom venture out without it, so the little USB containing my last production should be eminently discoverable.

  As is the way when necessity becomes the mother of intervention, I’ve become reconciled to Walter, my seventies artefact. It’s begun to seem more appropriate to my own artefaction, to the life I have lived. My lead pill will be quick, dramatic and somehow noble in a way that shuffling off this mortal coil in a drugged stupor isn’t. Brave rather than cowardly, I like to think. Active rather than passive. And, I have to confess, better in the telling. ‘Old Den, eh. Never one to do anything by halves! Old school. What a dag.’ A dead dag, of course – I’ll not be around to hear any of it, but I can at least savour it in prospect.

  When I was young, I lived in the future too much. The present really only imposed itself when Carol got sick. I was fifty when she died, in the first year of the new century. Much harder to calibrate is when I morphed from the present to the past and became a preterite. That was a slower process and harder to mark with a failing memory.

  All this, naturally, isn’t wh
at it seems to be. It’s not really what I try to present it as – a matter of rational choice. That’s the lesser part of it. The larger part is a much more frightening driver: the logical end to inchoate terror.

  It came again today. Whoever said it’s not about forgetting where your car keys are, it’s about forgetting what the car keys are for . . . was right – metaphorically, at least. And cruel.

  I hope no one who knows me, saw me. Sitting in the middle of the local strip with my hazard lights going. The cars banked up behind me, trying to swerve round me, until that most loathed uniform in urban Auckland walked across with his tyre chalk and asked if he could help me, sir. When I showed him that the starter button wouldn’t go, there was zero ignition, obviously some dreadful electrical malfunction, he suggested I shift the auto from Drive to Park or Neutral and try again. When the engine started and I realised what I had done, I tried to smile at him as he said, ‘No trouble, sir’, but I could see the pity in his eyes, and my panic was subsumed by terror.

  I’ve learnt nothing. That’s as terrifying as the incident itself. That infernal iStop. I thought the engine had stalled and pressed the starter button, which did in fact stop it. So I pressed the starter button again and nothing happened, because it was still in drive. It looked like a complete electrical meltdown, I told Dr Jeetan. An easy mistake, surely? He said nothing, then asked me whether it had happened before? I conceded that it might have.

  ‘How many times?’

  ‘Twice,’ I said. ‘Or three times, maybe.’ The truth is, I can’t remember, but I don’t want to tell him that. I need my licence, I love driving. When I can’t sleep, I drive the perfectly canted sweepers from Murchison down the Buller Gorge to Reefton, or along the side-mirror squeezes of the Grande Corniche from Cap Martin to Nice, or the Big Sur from San Luis Obispo to Monterey, or along the cliffs of the Great Southern Ocean in Victoria, or my favourite road in all the world, from Fairlie across the Mackenzie Country to Omarama and over the Lindis to Wanaka, the stunning mix of land and lake, burnt sepia and snow-fed blue, with the Southern Alps overlooking it all. I was determined to drive that road again before I die, but I now know I won’t get the chance. Dr Jeetan wants a brain scan. Precautionary, he says. But I know the black room that’s waiting for me. I’ve been there before.

  I stand in my eyrie contemplating my end. Revelling in the power. I admire the right-to-die brigade, the euthanasia advocates, but they’ve got it wrong. It’s not so much a right as a power. Power is taken, you don’t ask permission of your fellows to exercise it. I will not be denied.

  My view of the world is powerful and privileged, I know. Carol and I took a punt on this wonderfully odd run-down transition villa, which had a long history as a boarding house and flats. At our big house-warming party, all kinds of people, film-makers, musos, actors, students, told us they had lived or partied here. There used to be lots of old ruins like it all around this suburb, peopled by penniless itinerants of various descriptions, before the monied eastern suburbs cottoned on to its proximity to city and to sea and reclaimed it. Carol was a voracious reader. Years later she found words that perfectly described our feelings when we first saw this loft, up in the shallow gables, crystallising ‘those blissful Jungian dreams that everyone has, of finding in the house another room that you didn’t know was there, high up under the roof, an extra storey, unused or neglected, but with more windows, sunshine pouring in, a glorious view, and more space than you’ve ever had before or imagine you deserved. You can’t wait to sweep it out and furnish it and begin to inhabit it – to expand into it.’ We did expand into it, Carol and I, and we’ve been here ever since. Carol often said we’d only leave when carried out feet first. That happened far too soon for her, but will nevertheless be true for both of us.

  ***

  THE barrel’s cold against my temple. I put it in my mouth. It doesn’t go in far. I warm it up like some old tart trying to suck life into a limp dick. What if I pulled the trigger now? What if the bullet ignited, or whatever bullets do, and it worked? Where would it go, exactly? What mess would it leave? I don’t mind blood being found, and even a bit of brain tissue, but not popped eyes. I don’t want to inflict that on Ellie, having some unattached eye on the carpet ogling her as she screams. Perhaps I could organise it so Ellie wasn’t the one to find me. I should do that. It’s the least I can do, give that some thought. I pocket Walter.

  ‘Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’

  Uh oh, she’s back. It’s been a while. I tell her I am pleased to see her, of course I’m pleased to see her, but it is indeed a pistol. I pull Walter back out of my pocket. When she asks me what on earth I’m going to do with it, I tell her it’s my lead pill.

  ‘You always had a flair for the dramatic,’ she says.

  ‘One bullet. I’ll die at my convenience.’

  ‘And everyone else’s, I imagine, if it’s sooner rather than later.’

  That’s the thing about Carol. She can be conjured, but not controlled. I might will her into existence, but once here, she is as she always was. That’s her beauty and my curse. I tell her I won’t suffer like she did, I won’t put everyone through that.

  ‘I suffered,’ she points out, ‘you endured. Isn’t suicide a form of cowardice?’

  I reframe cowardice to courage, ecological responsibility, saving the health system from wasting resources, as I put Walter back in the bottom cupboard of the kauri roll-top, in the concertina box-file under W.

  ‘Public spirited to the last!’ she chortles. I don’t remember her being quite this dyspeptic when she was alive. She didn’t chortle back then. Not at me. That I can remember. She looks suspiciously at the drawer where Walter is now hiding. ‘Will it work? Shouldn’t you do a test run?’ She seems to be inordinately entertained at the prospect of my violent demise. When I tell her I’ve only got the one bullet, she seems disappointed.

  I suppose the Carol I conjured could have been a younger, more compliant Carol – the twenty-three-year-old postgrad journalism student I first met when she was working for one of the local giveaway rags, for instance. She interviewed me about Something Important, gender equality in the television commercial production industry or something. I didn’t really know what she was talking about. I looked around me at our production office, at the production co-ordinator, the line producer, the production accountant, all at their desks, while over at the big table, the director went through the script with an actress and her on-screen daughter. Behind them, other actresses were being measured and fitted by the wardrobe mistress who, I now recall, I might have been fucking. I was the only man in the room. I said nothing, but young Carol followed my gaze and began to laugh. She didn’t chortle in those days. It was, as they say, husky, sexy, unconstrained. As, I learnt, her opinions were. Are.

  That twenty-three-year-old didn’t share our history, of course. This Carol comes to me forty-two years old, about two years before she was diagnosed. She wears the strapless summer print I always loved, white with red and purple impressionistic rose petals, that shows off the brown sheen of her skin. It presses tight over her breasts and belly and bum before releasing at her groin and swirling just above her bare, tanned knees and feet. That overrated bloom of youth is gone, yes, and there are lovely little wrinkles of flesh just above her kneecaps, at her elbows, and where the bodice of the dress flattens the base of her breasts back towards her armpits. I loved her body and soul and remember everything about her, the things I cannot see: this is when she went unshaven, at her peak of sexual confidence, her areola looked huge, engorged, enlarged by the tugging lips of three children. I can scarcely bring myself to think about what became of those breasts, her body, in so short a time. But in this moment, she is perfect. She has laugh lines at the corners of her thinnish lips, and delicate striations running vertically from her top lip. I think I loved her body and soul. My disadvantage is that she, being so much younger, re
members everything with a clarity that sometimes dismays me, where I sometimes seem to be looking at the past through the sepia-tinted spectacles of age.

  She is over at the balcony, looking down at the deck and pool below, where our children are gathering in the dusk for my seventieth birthday celebrations. ‘Do you think they’re waiting for you to die?’

  ‘Not Ellie!’

  ‘Not Ellie.’

  ‘Not Stan,’ I say.

  ‘Who would know what Stan’s thinking? Last and loveliest. Will?’

  Oh. Will. ‘Would he wish me dead?’

  ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad,’ she says, perhaps in Will’s defence.

  ‘I remember how that goes,’ I tell her. ‘You think he’s our fault?’

  ‘I was being diplomatic,’ she says. ‘I think he’s your fault.’

  That stuns me. Before I can think of a defence, she says, ‘Cancer got him too.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Larkin.’

  Her presence troubles me. If she’s my invention, how can she know stuff I don’t? How can she have so many divergent views? Are these cues, I ask myself, to some other reality? Metaphysics and spirituality were never my strong suits, but I was, they say, reasonably intutive. Is that what’s happening? Or is it just another symptom of my decline? That she can remember what I used to know.

  She turns from the balcony and beams at me, then nods towards Walter in his drawer. ‘You should do them a favour. We’d be together again, wouldn’t that be sweet?’

  From her tone, I’m not at all sure. ‘Is that how it works? Death?’

  But how would she know, being a figment of my imagination, apparently. She ignores me, staying out on the balcony, her tousled brown hair obscuring her profile, falling down almost to her breasts.