Allegiant

by Sara Mack

  “Did you miss the part where I told him I was still in love with you? I wasn’t going to kiss him! If you had waited to appear for, like, two seconds, you would have seen that!”

  James shakes his head. “I don’t believe you.”

  “It’s the truth,” I say adamantly.

  “Really?” He looks me dead in the eye. “I saw what happened after Meg and I left. I heard you choose – and I saw what you did.”

  The mention of Meg’s name irritates me to no end. “Good! That’s what I wanted!”

  He looks confused for a moment and then rearranges his face. I walk up to him and stop inches from his chest. “The only reason I kissed Dane was to prove to you that I’m in control – not him, not you, and certainly not your little girlfriend!”

  His face twists. “She’s not my girlfriend!”

  “Is that so?” I press. “She’s everywhere you are! Including in my personal space!”

  He looks at me skeptically. “So I’m not allowed to have friends, is that it?”

  “Am I?”

  “It’s not the same!” James says in frustration. He starts to pace and when he turns back to me, his eyes are hard. “I’ve never kissed Meg.”

  I look down to avoid his stare. I know how much Dane gets under James’ skin. Kissing him was a childish move.

  “Meg and I are working together,” James says. “She understands me.”

  My head snaps up. “And I don’t?”

  “You know that’s not what I meant.” He walks toward me. “Meg and I, we want the same thing.” He pauses and searches my face. “It’s what I thought you wanted, too.”

  How can he doubt that I would want him to be human? “Of course I want that.”

  “Do you?” he asks. “Or have you changed your mind?”

  My expression twists. “No!”

  My phone rings from my back pocket interrupting us. I reach for it automatically as I mentally kick myself. I was supposed to call my parents when I got back.

  “Gee, I wonder who that could be,” James says sarcastically.

  “It’s my parents,” I snap. I look down at the phone to answer it and find that I’m wrong. It’s not my mom and dad. I stare at the phone as it continues to ring, afraid to answer it.

  James crosses his arms and leans forward, taunting me. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

  I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out. What do I say? I know Dane is only calling to make sure I got back safe, but James won’t believe that.

  “What are you waiting for?” James asks.

  I narrow my eyes at him, and the call goes to voicemail.

  “Oh, I get it. It’s a private conversation,” he says sardonically. He takes a few steps backward. “I won’t keep you.”

  Anger and sadness battle inside me. “Don’t go. I don’t want to fight.”

  “Really?” he asks, irritated. “You started swinging the minute you walked in the door.”

  “That’s because I caught you and Meg in my apartment!”

  “Caught us doing what, exactly?” he challenges me. “Talking?”

  “She was this far from you!” I hold my thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

  “And that’s a crime?” he asks in disbelief.

  How can he not see what a double standard this is? “If you found Dane and me like that in your place you would be just as pissed.”

  James eyes me. “Ah, newsflash. I already found you two together.” He leans forward. “I am pissed.”

  My phone sounds again, this time with a text message. I resist the urge to look down at my hand and continue to stare at James. I understand that he’s upset. Why can’t he see that I am too?

  “Unbelievable,” he mutters as my cell continues to chime.

  “He just wants to make sure I’m safe.”

  James sets his jaw. “I thought that was my job.”

  “Is it?” I ask, exasperated. “Because you’re not acting like it!”

  James opens his mouth to speak, but then stops. He blinks at me and suddenly his face goes slack. “You’re right,” he says without any real emotion. His head snaps to the left, clearly hearing something I cannot, and he begins to fade in front of me.

  “Wait!” I reach out toward him, but he vanishes in the blink of an eye.

  I stand there frozen, with my arm extended in front of me, staring at the space he just left. My mind races, and I’m taken back to the last time we fought, to the night he died. When he walked out on our argument. Just like now.

  My heart aches at the memory. I wait for the familiar feeling of tears behind my eyes, but strangely, it doesn’t occur. Mechanically, I walk over to my discarded backpack, pick it up, and head to the bedroom where I find LB on my pillow, curled up and comfortable. I pet her for a few minutes and then walk through the motions of getting ready for bed in a daze. Once tucked beneath my sheets, I listen to Dane’s voice mail and read his text. They’re similar.

  Did you make it back yet?

  I send him a quick message. Made it. Tired. Going to bed. I call my parents next, waking them to tell them the same. After I hang up, I lie down with LB for what I’m sure is going to be a restless night. I pet her absentmindedly as James’ words replay in my mind and weave through her purr. What I once felt justified in defending seems defenseless now, and my heart feels heavy.

  My phone chimes on my nightstand, and I reach over to grab it. Dane is still awake.

  Ok. Dream of me ;)

  I give my phone a sad smile. If only it were that simple.

  Chapter 16

  “Okay.” Garrett slams his Ethics textbook shut. “What’s wrong?”

  I snap back to reality. “What?”

  “You haven’t been yourself since you got back. What’s bothering you?”

  It’s been four days since my fight with James. Four days. And he hasn’t visited once, no matter how much I think about him or how much I’m hurting. All I can do is assume the worst and picture him frolicking in the Intermediate with Meg. I’ve been trying to come to grips with the fact that I pushed him away, that my kissing Dane drove him straight into her arms. I have no one to blame but myself, and it depresses me.

  “Emma?”

  “What?”

  Garrett crosses his arms and gives me an irritated stare. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to make you?”

  I frown. “You can do that?”

  Garrett pauses. “No.”

  I stare at him and notice his bright turquoise eyes have faded to a more subdued shade of blue. He told me they will eventually turn brown, his original eye color, once his transformation is complete. He has a little less than three months to go now.

  “So?” he asks.

  “It’s complicated,” I say and go back to reviewing my notes. I don’t want to get James in trouble.

  “Would a certain Guardian have anything to do with this?”

  I shoot him an annoyed look over my paper. “Have you forgotten that we have a midterm tomorrow?”

  He reaches across the coffee table and grabs the top of my notebook, pulling it from my hands.

  “Hey!”

  “Listen, normally I wouldn’t pry,” he says. “But the only thing I can think of that would put you in this type of mood would have to be something to do with James. And seeing as how anything that happens with James is my business, I think I have a right to ask you –”

  “How do you know it’s James?” I snap. “What if it’s something at home? What if it’s something to do with my family?”

  Garrett blinks. “I…I stand corrected,” he says and starts to slide my notebook back to me. “I’m sorry.”

  I reach out and grab my notes, slamming them down in front of me. I know he’s wrapped up in his own little world, but the majority of people on this planet have other issues to deal with besides Guardian ones. Let that be an important lesson in humanity.

  I try to concentrate on studying, but the words start to blur as I
feel Garrett staring at me. After a few moments of awkward silence, I raise my eyes to meet his. Can he tell I’m lying?

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks quietly.

  Yes, I think. This is exactly the kind of thing I need Shel for, the type of situation where you need your best girlfriend. I need a female perspective, someone who can empathize with what I’m feeling and help me sort through what’s happened. But I can’t talk to her. Not about this.

  When I don’t respond, Garrett starts to look uncomfortable. “Look, I’m just trying to help. If this is a bad time, I can come back to study.” He starts to gather his things.

  I let out a heavy sigh. Now I feel bad. If I don’t come clean about what’s going on, I’m sure karma will turn on me and something horrible will happen. “Stop,” I tell him and set my hand on top of the papers that he’s organizing into a pile. “You’re right. It is about James.”

  He lets go of the papers and eyes me suspiciously. “Why the line about your family?”

  “Because.” I toss my notes to the side. “I don’t want to get him in trouble.”

  Garrett raises his eyebrows. “Why would he be in trouble?”

  Since I’m seated on the floor next to the coffee table, I lie back, rest my hands against my stomach, and talk to the ceiling. “We had a fight.”

  His face appears above mine. “About what?”

  I continue to look at the ceiling. “Dane. And Meg.”

  “What about them?” he asks, confused. When I don’t immediately answer, his tone grows frustrated and he leans closer. “Am I going to have to pull every little bit of information out of you?”

  I prop myself up on my elbows, and he leans back. “I ran into Dane when I went home on Saturday.”

  “And?”

  “James appeared unexpectedly with Meg. He challenged me to kiss Dane.” I push myself to sit up straight. “So I did.”

  Garrett stares at me, his mouth falling open a little.

  “Then, when I got back on Sunday, I found him here with Meg in my apartment.”

  “Doing what?” Garrett frowns.

  “Who knows?” I scowl. “They were all up in each other’s personal space. James said they were just talking, but seeing the two of them made me more upset. Especially after they showed up in Dane’s car the way they did.”

  Garrett looks at me as if he’s having a hard time comprehending what I’ve told him.

  “I haven’t seen him since we fought,” I say and look away. I can feel tears begin to creep behind my eyes, so I reach over and open my textbook as a distraction. “That’s everything,” I finish as I pretend to redirect my attention.

  Minutes pass. I read the same paragraph three times before I hear Garrett’s voice. “James made a mistake.”

  I continue to look at my book. “So did I.”

  “I don’t think you understand,” Garrett says and leans forward to try and make me look at him. “Your decisions are yours to make. James is supposed to guide you in those decisions, not influence them.”

  My shoulders slump. “I know why he did it,” I say, trying to be rational after days of entertaining every irrational thought imaginable.

  “You do?” Garrett asks. “Because I sure as hell don’t.”

  I look at him sarcastically. He should get this; it’s not that hard to figure out. “I was with someone he doesn’t like, someone I told him I was mad at. Someone who hurt me.”

  “So?” he asks, perturbed. “What’s it to him as long as you’re not in danger?”

  My face twists in confusion.

  “Were you in danger?”

  “No!”

  “Then James should have kept his mouth shut and stayed out of your business.” Garrett sits back. “He’s not allowed to be jealous.”

  I sigh. “I should never have gone with Dane.” I rub my forehead to try and ease the dull ache that has been there all week.

  “Why not?”

  I look at Garrett like he’s bumped his head. “Because none of this would have happened! James wouldn’t have gotten jealous, I wouldn’t have kissed Dane, and I wouldn’t be so worried about Meg!”

  He raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure about that?”

  I open my mouth to speak, but then close it again. I’m starting to hate this conversation.

  “Look, I’m an outsider,” Garrett says and leans forward again. “Do you want to know what I see?”

  This is what I would ask Shel if I could, so I nod.

  “James shouldn’t be jealous of anyone you’re with or anything you do; his duty is to guide and protect you in your decisions. Period. As for Dane, I have the feeling that you would have kissed him anyway –”

  I open my mouth to protest and Garrett holds up his hand to stop me.

  “– if not now, then later. I know you’re confused about him, and that’s okay. You need to have a life. As for Meg, she’s just flirtatious by nature.”

  My mouth falls open. “Does that give her permission to come on to my boyfriend?”

  Garrett laughs. “So, if you can’t have him no one can? Is that how it works nowadays?”

  “He’s still mine!”

  He rolls his eyes. “Emma, how can you be with a Guardian? Surely you’re not that delusional.”

  “One day he won’t be a Guardian,” I remind him. “Surely you can’t be that delusional.”

  My comment stops him short and he stares at me, dazed. How could he have forgotten that simple fact? Talking about this would be so much easier with Shel; by nature women tend to remember even the smallest of details.

  “We’re going to have a human life together,” I say adamantly. “Whether you think so or not.”

  Garrett blinks and looks away, clearing his throat. “You’ll have to make up first though,” he says quietly. His assured tone is gone, and his voice sounds a bit hollow. He moves to sit opposite me and starts to organize his papers spread on the table. It’s clear he’s uncomfortable and tension now fills the air. What does he know that I don’t?

  My mind races and my thoughts immediately turn to Meg. Her relationship with James must be more serious than I imagined and Garrett knows it’s going to difficult for us to move past this. If James can be human again and Meg can too…

  “They’re already together, aren’t they?”

  He looks up. “Who?”

  “Don’t play dumb. James and Meg.”

  “What? No. I mean, I’ve heard some rumblings that they might be starting something, but I doubt they’re anywhere near marriage.”

  I stare at him stupidly. “From who? Shouldn’t you have told me?”

  “My brother,” he says. “And no, because he’s a little biased when it comes to Meg. It’s hard to believe the accuracy in what he says when it comes to her.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Jack and Meg have a history.”

  I raise an eyebrow. Jack and Meg were together? He’s so gruff and she’s so not. Talk about an odd couple. “I take it she gets around?”

  Garrett smirks. “If you call a 25 year relationship ‘getting around’.”

  This whole Guardian-hook up thing has my mind reeling. That is a long time to be together. “But what about their true loves? What about being released?”

  “I’m pretty sure my brother never had a true love. And as for Meg, who am I to speculate on her motives? Maybe she knew her David wouldn’t release her. He chose eternity after he drowned. Without her.”

  Okay. I have to admit that fact makes me feel a twinge of sympathy for Meg. But, I still don’t like her coming on to James. He can spend unlimited time with her; there’s no way I can compete. I think about my idiotic move with Dane, and my heart plummets.

  “What are you thinking about?” Garrett asks.

  “That I have no one to blame, but myself.” I slam my book shut. “I suck at relationships.”

  “I could say the same thing.”

  James’ voice startles me, and my head whips around.


  Garrett pushes himself to stand and gathers his things. “I’ll take this as my cue to leave,” he says and tucks the items under his arm. He walks around the coffee table toward the door, making eye contact with James for a brief second. “Let me know if you want to go over anything else,” he says over his shoulder.

  “I will.” When the door closes behind him, I study James. “Where have you been?” I ask and flinch. I think I already know the answer to that question.

  He walks forward and sits on the floor in front of me, crossing his legs to match mine. He reaches for my hands, and I allow him to take them. Our eyes meet, and his expression couldn’t be more serious. I think to myself that this is it. This is where he tells me that he’s had enough and we’re through.

  “You’re blowing this Meg thing way out of proportion,” he says.

  I study our hands. “Am I?”

  “Yes,” he says, his tone firm. “She’s a friend. Nothing more.”

  “I take it you were eavesdropping on my conversation with Garrett?”

  “Just the last part,” he admits. His hand appears beneath my chin, and he lifts my gaze. “I’m serious. There is nothing romantic between me and Meg.”

  My mouth twists. “I think she wants there to be.”

  He shrugs. “Oh well for her.”

  I move his hand away from my chin and lace my fingers through his. “So, where have you been?” I ask again.

  “Trying to sort out what to say to you. Trying to figure out how to apologize.”

  “It took you four days?”

  “Em, I screwed up. Like, massively messed up. You were so angry; I didn’t know if you would want to see me.”

  I give him an incredulous look. “How could you think that? Haven’t you felt how upset I’ve been?”

  “I know you’re upset, but the emotion is all I feel. I don’t know the exact cause unless I physically check on you and –” he stops.

  “And what?”

  His shoulders fall. “I didn’t want to find you with Dane again. What if you were with him and he was upsetting you? I would have ripped his head off. Or what if you were thinking about breaking things off with me? I wanted to give you time to sort out your feelings.”

  “I would never break up with you! And I haven’t seen Dane since last weekend. I’ve been putting him off, telling him he can’t visit, because I’m busy with midterms.”