by Jim Ladd
Sam scrambled onboard, heaving himself up and sliding on to the deck belly-first. He lay silently for a minute, his heart pounding and his knees weak. He was so happy to be safely on the ship that he could have kissed the deck but there was no time for that. This was mutiny!
With special thanks to Paul Harrison
To the parentals; steering the ship safely through choppy waters
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Chapter One CASTAWAY AHOY!
Chapter Two GOLDSTAR!
Chapter Three BOWLOPIA!
Chapter Four BOWLING BATTLE
Chapter Five AYE SPY
Chapter Six BAD BROTHERS
Chapter Seven MUTINY!
Chapter Eight CAPTAIN GOLDSTAR
Chapter Nine PRISONERS
Chapter Ten A DARING CLIMB
Chapter Eleven PLANK PERIL
Chapter Twelve COMET’S REVENGE
Chapter One BREAKFAST AND WORMHOLES
Copyright
Samson Starbuck peered at the bowl of food in front of him and wrinkled his nose. Breakfast on board pirate spaceship the Jolly Apollo was never good, but today’s looked awful. The bowl contained a thick grey liquid halfway between porridge and soup, which seemed to be both watery and lumpy at the same time. It smelled of old fish and engine oil.
As Sam stared at the bowl he was sure that something in it moved. Feeling sick, he pushed the bowl away and sat up. All around him in the mess hall, his fellow crew mates were digging into the disgusting gloop hungrily.
“How can you eat that?” Sam asked Piole, the pirate sitting next to him. “It’s revolting!”
Piole turned to look at Sam, food dribbling from three of his twelve mouths.
“The food here is always revolting,” Piole replied. “But it’s the only food we get so you may as well make the most of it. Aren’t you eating yours?”
“No, do you want it?” Sam knew the answer already – Piole would eat just about anything.
“Cheers, me hearty!” said Piole, swapping Sam’s bowl for his own empty one.
Sam felt the slap of a large tentacle on his shoulder and turned to see Barney, the ship’s cook, standing behind him. Although Barney looked fearsome – he was a gigantic, multi-tentacled Kraken – he was actually Sam’s best friend.
“Morning, Sam,” said Barney. “Finished already? You must be growing – here, have some more!”
He slopped out another ladleful of the disgusting gloop into the empty bowl before wandering off, whistling a merry space shanty to himself. Sam groaned and leaned his head on the table.
“Growing?” Romero, the huge lobster-clawed snippernaut, guffawed. “Sam could grow for a Traxonion year and he’d still be a space sprat!”
“Hey!” Sam protested as the other pirates laughed.
“Aye, aye, shipmate,” said Captain Comet to Sam, plonking himself down on the bench.
Comet was one of the most extravagantly dressed space pirates in the Universe. He liked bright frock coats and always wore a tricorn hat. He had eye patches covering two of his three eyes and a long waxed moustache that stuck out from each side of his face like curled wire.
Comet might look like a perfect pirate, but Sam knew he and his crew were widely regarded as the most useless space pirates in all the known galaxies – and probably the unknown galaxies as well. However, beneath all the bluster, bragging, incompetence and cowardice, Captain Comet had a heart of gold and truly cared for his crew.
Which was just as well, because Sam had joined the Jolly Apollo to try and rescue his parents, who had been space-shipwrecked on the mysterious Planet X. The pirates were only too happy to help. The planet was rumoured to be made of solid gold. And Sam had a map of how to get there!
“What’s wrong, are you space-sick?” asked Captain Comet.
Sam shook his head.
“So what is it, me hearty? It can’t be that bad!”
Sam picked up his bowl. The grey sludge shuddered and a bubble popped at the surface, releasing a smell like the inside of an old bowling shoe.
“Oh,” said Comet. “It is that bad.” He grimaced and pushed the bowl towards Piole, who gave the captain a cheery wink.
“Anyhow,” Comet continued, “I thought you’d like a quick status update – we’re making good progress. We’ve passed the Corkscrew Galaxy and I think we should reach this wormhole soon.” He pointed to the scrap of spacesuit material on which Sam’s mother had drawn the map.
Sam raised his head and looked at it excitedly. They were getting closer by the minute! And they had managed not to get lost for three days now – a Jolly Apollo record.
“Castaway ahoy! Castaway ahoy!”
The shout from the crow’s nest was loud and clear, even down in the mess hall.
“A-ha, sounds like we’ve spotted someone,” said Comet. “Some poor hapless soul, cast adrift on a barren rock with their meagre possessions. They’re lucky we’ve found them; I’ve heard of castaways going mad from loneliness, or getting so hungry they’ve been reduced to eating their own socks.”
Sam gulped as he thought about his own parents stranded on the distant Planet X. But they wouldn’t have to eat their own socks, Sam thought to himself. They’re both botanists, and they know everything there is to know about planets from all over the galaxy. They’ll definitely be able to find food, even on a barren planet that’s supposed to be made of gold. Won’t they?
Comet rose from the bench and interrupted Sam’s thoughts. “Let’s go and see who it is,” he said.
Sam trooped up to the main deck with the crew, all eager to catch a glimpse of who it was the lookout had spotted. In the distance they could see someone waving from a large asteroid.
“Set a course for the asteroid please, Mr Pegg and Mr Legg,” Comet called to the two-headed first mate who was steering the Jolly Apollo. Legg, the happier head, saluted sharply, while Pegg concentrated on the wheel.
The asteroid was small and round, barely big enough for a bowling lane, and piled high with suitcases. The castaway didn’t seem too upset about being stranded. Leaning against a couple of his suitcases, he calmly waved to the approaching ship as if he didn’t much care if they stopped or not. Sam frowned as he looked at him. The stowaway didn’t look like he was marooned and desperate. He was wearing a gold-coloured cape over some pretty fancy pirate clothes and had a gold peg leg.
As the Apollo pulled alongside the stranger he tossed his head, flicking his wild black hair away from his face.
“Ahoy, me hearties!” he shouted in a deep voice. “What took you so long?”
“Ahoy!” called Comet. “Stand back, I’m coming down.”
He dropped a rope ladder down to the asteroid and turned to Sam. “Rule fifty-six, paragraph three of the pirate code,” he explained. “You always pick up a castaway. Now just watch his face when he realises he’s been rescued by the famous Captain Joseph Hercules Invictus Comet!”
Sam held back a laugh. Comet rushed to put on his formal hat, the one with the extra-large feather, then perched on the side of the spaceship and gave a nonchalant salute to the crew before throwing his feet over the ship’s rails. Unfortunately his foot caught on the top rung of the rope ladder and instead of climbing down, he tipped over headfirst, and ended up dangling from the ladder by his feet, swinging over the asteroid.
“Ahhhhhhhhh!” he yelled as he untangled himself and landed in a heap.
The stranger reached down, grabbed Comet by the scruff of the neck and hauled him to his feet.
Comet’s hat was wedged down over his head and he wobbled around the asteroid as he struggled to get it off – much to the castaway’s amusement. With one last mighty heave the hat flew off and Comet fell on his backside. The captain sat there blinking his one g
ood eye in befuddlement. The stranger stared with a wry smile at the three-eyed pirate.
“There you go, Patches! Right way up again,” said the stranger.
“Ah, erm, thank you,” Comet replied, looking a bit flustered. He took a deep breath and puffed out his chest. “I’m Captain Com—”
“Be a good fellow,” the stranger interrupted, “and grab those bags for me, will you? Getting up the ship’s ladder is going to be a struggle with this.”
He motioned to his golden peg leg, then gave Comet a wink and a pat on the cheek. “Make way, boys!” the stranger called up to the Apollo. “I’m coming aboard!”
The stranger climbed easily up the ladder to the Jolly Apollo and vaulted athletically over the rail, landing nimbly on the deck.
“Ahoy there!” he called, his hands on his hips and his chin jutting out proudly.
He breathed in deeply and started to wander about. “Hah, it’s good to be back on the deck of a pirate ship again!” he exclaimed, slapping the main mast.
The crew of the Apollo watched in open-mouthed amazement as the stranger swaggered around the ship as if he owned it.
“Hi,” said Sam. “So, erm, what’s your name?”
The stranger spun round, stared at Sam and smiled broadly.
“They call me,” he paused dramatically, “Goldstar.”
There was a gasp and a thump as Comet struggled over the rails with Goldstar’s cases and landed in a heap on the deck.
“Why do they call you that?” asked Barney, completely ignoring the captain and staring at Goldstar excitedly.
“Who knows?” Goldstar replied with a wicked smile. “It might be because I always wear gold…” he flicked his cape. “It might be because of this…” he tapped his golden peg leg on the deck. “Or it might be because of this!” With a flourish he opened the bag he’d been holding and revealed a solid gold bowling ball.
The crew gasped as one with a sound like a Paloovian snotwhale about to sneeze.
“What?” Sam asked. He knew bowling was every space pirate’s favourite sport, but he’d never seen a gold ball before.
“A golden ball!” Barney explained in a hushed whisper. “It’s the prize for winning the Interstellar Bowling Championship!”
Goldstar lifted the ball from the bag and turned it so that everyone could see five diamonds glinting on its surface. “Five years in a row,” Goldstar grinned at the awed audience. “Eventually they had to ban me so others could have a chance. One of my strikes in the last championship was voted Shot of the Millennium by the Tri-Galaxy Federation. They carefully pulled up the bowling lane and re-installed it in the Hall of Fame.”
Everyone looked on in dumbstruck awe. Vulpus and Piole exchanged amazed glances; Jonjarama, the gassiest member of the crew, trumped loudly with excitement; even Pegg, the grumpier head of the first mate, looked amazed.
Only Comet didn’t seem impressed as he bent against the ship’s rail, trying to catch his breath.
“Now, how about a glass of grum to celebrate being rescued!” said Goldstar.
Everyone cheered. Grum, a sort of lemonade milkshake, was a pirate’s favourite drink. The only thing they enjoyed as much as bowling was a tankard of grum and a singsong.
“Actually,” wheezed Comet, “we’ve got lots of chores to do today to get the old girl space-shipshape—”
“And if you guys point me in the direction of a bowling lane,” said Goldstar, ignoring Comet, “then I can show you how I did that strike.”
With another cheer Goldstar was rushed below decks by the crew. Comet and Sam were the only ones left. They stood looking at the empty deck in stunned silence. “Well,” Comet muttered to himself, “I suppose a little glass of grum would be fine, just this once, welcome him aboard and all that…”
“You all right, Captain?” asked Sam.
“What? Yes, yes, absolutely fine. Come on, come on, let’s get a move on or all the best lanes will be taken.”
Sam followed Captain Comet down to the lower deck where the bowling lanes were. All space pirate ships had at least one bowling lane, but the Jolly Apollo had more than most. That was because the Apollo used the space that other pirate ships used for storing treasure and laser cannons – two things that Captain Comet’s ship didn’t really have – for extra bowling lanes. They’d never been successful enough to find any treasure, and they’d managed to lose most of their laser cannons years ago in an unfortunate incident involving Comet and the oozing quicksand of planet Swampiola.
But when Sam and Comet got to the bowling deck no one was bowling; instead everyone was crowded around Goldstar, who was regaling the crew with his stories.
“So that’s how I ended up being marooned,” said Goldstar as he finished another story. “And I believe Admiral Mercury is still trying to find his telescope – and his trousers!”
The crew burst into laughter and someone raised a toast to Goldstar. Comet sniffed jealously.
“How did you come by that peg leg?” asked Vulpus, the fox-like pirate.
“Ah me old peggler,” said Goldstar, looking at the golden stump at the end of his leg. “I lost me leg to a grumigator – he bit it clean off.”
“Oooh,” Barney sighed.
Sam had had a close encounter with grumigators himself and knew they were big enough and ferocious enough to bite off a leg and a whole lot more.
“Anyhow, the way I saw it,” Goldstar continued, “if he was going to have my leg, then I should have something of his in return – so I took these.”
He felt inside the neck of his shirt and pulled out a necklace made of grumigator teeth. Barney gasped and Sam had to admit that they were the biggest teeth he had ever seen.
“Turns out that particular beast had been terrorising the local village on this particular planet, so the natives made me this leg as a thank you for ridding them of the beast.”
Goldstar lifted his golden peg leg to show it off to them in more detail.
The crew applauded wildly. Comet cleared his throat loudly. Sam looked over at him and smiled. Comet did not like being upstaged by anybody – especially aboard his own ship. Sam wondered what Comet could possibly say that would top that last story.
“Fighting with lake lizards is all well and good for a hobby, I suppose,” said Comet, giving a large pretend yawn. “But I’m just too busy for that kind of thing. You see, I’m going to be the first pirate to find Planet X!”
Goldstar gave a loud booming laugh, which echoed around the bowling alley and gave him a strike on at least three lanes. He wiped his eyes. “And how, pray tell, are you going to find it, eh? What makes you so different from all those other hopeless dreamers who have searched for it before?” he asked.
Suddenly Sam had a horrible idea of what Comet was going to do – surely he wouldn’t be so stupid as to show the map to a total stranger, especially after his sworn enemy (and the most fearsome pirate ever known), Captain Black-Hole Beard, had tried to steal it? Only a person of intergalactic idiocy would do that.
“The difference is, I’ve got a map,” said Comet, puffing his chest out proudly.
Sam groaned.
“Ha – a map he says!” barked Goldstar, shaking his head. “By the rings of Jalangar, you’re a funny one. As if such a thing existed!”
Don’t show him, don’t show him, willed Sam. “Er, Captain—” he started, but it was too late.
“It does, I have, and here it is!” said Comet, flashing the map at Goldstar.
Sam slapped his hand on to his forehead in despair. Goldstar grabbed Comet’s wrist and peered at the scrap of silver cloth, and his eyes hardened for the briefest of moments. It was only for a flash, but to Sam it seemed as if a mask had slipped, revealing the true Goldstar underneath – and it was not a pretty sight.
“Well Captain, I’ve got to hand it ye,” laughed Goldstar, “you’re a better man than me.”
Comet visibly swelled with pride.
“It’s a rare thing you have there, me hearties; a
map to the greatest treasure hoard in the entire Universe. Unimagined wealth of immeasurable value…” Goldstar leaned back and stroked his gold peg leg thoughtfully. “You are blessed indeed, and possibly even luckier than you imagine. I noticed from that there map of yours that you’re going past the Ninth Vector – near a little planet called Bowlopia. I think you’ll find it interesting.”
“Why’s that?” asked Comet, all eager and pleased with himself.
“Why? Because you’re pirates! And Bowlopia,” Goldstar’s voice rose until he was shouting, “BOWLOPIA IS A PIRATE’S PARADISE!”
“Ah, me hearties!” Goldstar cried out, fixing the pirates with a manic glare. “What can I tell you about Bowlopia? It’s a strange world; there’s only one sport played there…”
The crew looked confused.
“…and that’s bowling!” cried Goldstar.
The crew cheered.
“There’s only one type of drink on Bowlopia…” said Goldstar.
The crew began to grumble.
“…but that drink is grum!” shouted Goldstar. The crew cheered again.
“And if you ever want a break from the bowling, there’s a gigantic funfair, too!” said Goldstar, his arms spread wide to demonstrate the size.
The crew cheered once more.
“And the best thing is, we’re only a day’s sail away!” shouted Goldstar.
Everyone was beside themselves with excitement. Jonjarama was so thrilled he did a massive fart but everyone was so caught up with the idea of Bowlopia that no one cared.
“But what about Planet X?” said Sam, struggling to be heard above the noise. “What about rescuing my parents?”
Goldstar gave a smarmy smile and went over to slap Comet on the back like an old friend.
“I’m sure your good captain here would approve,” said Goldstar, ignoring Sam. “After all, a leader of his strength, good-looks, wit and experience knows how to let his hair down – he’s a proper pirate, so he is.”
