To Have and to Hold

by Laura Dower

  “Have a good sleep, Dad,” Madison said.

  Dad closed the door gently and disappeared into his room.

  Madison felt as though she’d been shot full of electricity—or something just as powerful. Her bag was here! That made up for the bad party, the crowds of people, the stress—all of it. She picked through her clothes and pulled out her tried and true Lisa Simpson T-shirt that she often wore in place of pajamas. Then she pulled off the shorts and top she’d been wearing all day long.

  “Ahhhh!” Madison said to herself when she’d finally washed her face and put on some clean clothes.

  She sorted through some of her other outfits and collapsed onto the bed next to the hotel phone. The clock said nine-fifteen, which meant that it was after eleven back in Far Hills, but Madison picked up the phone and dialed anyway.

  “Um … I’d like to make a collect call, please,” she said into the receiver. “From Madison.”

  The operator put her on hold and asked her to wait until the party on the other end accepted the charges.

  Madison sighed with relief when she heard the voice on the other end.

  “Mom?” she said.

  “Maddie?” Mom said with a yawn. “Where are you? Are you okay?”

  “I’m just in the hotel, Mom. I had to talk to you,” Madison said. “Are you asleep?”

  “Yes. But don’t worry. What’s going on? How is Texas?” Mom asked.

  Madison grunted into the phone. “Fine.”

  “Well!” Mom said. “That certainly doesn’t sound too good.”

  Madison sighed into the phone. “Dad is fine. Stephanie is okay. But there are, like, a million people at this wedding, Mom. I don’t know anyone. I am completely out of it.”

  “That is not true,” Mom said. “You’re one of the stars.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Madison said.

  “Phinnie misses you,” Mom added. “Tonight, he went into your bedroom and curled up on top of your pillows. I think he must still smell you there.”

  “I miss him, too,” Madison admitted.

  There was silence on the phone.

  “Mom?” Madison asked. “Can you get on the next plane and come here?”

  Mom laughed. “Sure,” she joked.

  “I mean it,” Madison said.

  “What are you talking about?” Mom said. “Madison, trust me. This weekend will be over before you know it. And I know you will meet new people and have a lot of fun before it’s done.”

  “Highly unlikely, Mom,” Madison said.

  “Well, you should try to meet people. Doesn’t Stephanie have a bunch of nieces and nephews your age?”

  “I don’t care,” Madison said.

  “Well, you should try,” Mom said, trying to be encouraging. “Have you been practicing your reading for the wedding?”

  Madison felt her cheeks get hot. She hadn’t even looked at the book of poems in two days! It was packed in the suitcase that had spent the last day flying over Wisconsin.

  “Sort of,” Madison said. “I need to look at it again.”

  “Well, do that,” Mom said. “And ask Stephanie if you can help her with anything around the wedding. Maybe she needs something….”

  “Why would she need me to help? She has a hundred other people to help her,” Madison said.

  “Sometimes it’s good just to ask,” Mom said.

  “Okay, fine,” Madison said. She was getting a little impatient. Her mom could hear it in her tone of voice.

  “Now what’s the matter?” Mom asked.

  “It’s just that—don’t you feel strange at all about Dad getting married again?”

  “Maddie, we’ve been through this. I am happy for Dad. He’s happy. And it’s natural for you to feel strange,” Mom said.

  “He’s going to be different now,” Madison said.

  “What do you mean?” Mom asked softly.

  “He’s not going to have time for me or Phin anymore. He’s going to be too busy with Stephanie,” Madison said.

  “Maddie,” Mom said sweetly. “You have to stop worrying about Dad. He’s not going anywhere. You need to believe that. You’re not losing a father….”

  “Well, I’m not gaining a mother!” Madison snapped.

  “I wasn’t going to say that,” Mom said.

  “Sorry.”

  “Honey bear, maybe you should lie down and get some sleep,” Mom suggested. “You sound tired.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Madison said. “And you should go to sleep, too.”

  “Why don’t you call me tomorrow afternoon?” Mom asked.

  Madison agreed to say good night and talk to her mom the next day. As soon as she hung up the phone, Madison realized she hadn’t even told Mom about the lost suitcase.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  Madison glanced over at the adjoining door. What did Dad want? She lumbered over and unlocked the door from her side.

  Madison was shocked to see Stephanie standing there, not Dad. She looked as though she had been crying.

  “Hi there,” Stephanie said, coming into the room. “I just drove up from the ranch. I wanted to wish you good night, Maddie. We didn’t really get a chance to talk tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” Madison said, feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

  Stephanie blew her nose into a tissue and sniffled. Madison could see black mascara gummed up around her eyes.

  “Thank you for coming to the party,” Stephanie said. “I know how tough it was with all those people. Your dad said you were a little overwhelmed. I should have done a better job at introducing you around….”

  Madison sat and listened.

  “As you saw, my family can be a lot to handle. Mother likes to do things big, like I told you. And this wedding has gotten to be very big, indeed. Maybe too big. But what can you do?”

  Madison still didn’t respond.

  “Well, that was really all I wanted to say….” Stephanie seemed uncomfortable now, too.

  “It’s really okay,” Madison finally blurted out.

  Stephanie smiled and took a deep breath. “What a big thing, getting married. I had no idea how complicated it could get.”

  Madison shrugged. “Me, neither.”

  “Your father says I get all worked up, and that I should just relax, but, you know, sometimes it’s just hard not to get so emotional, and … well, I don’t need to tell you all this, do I?” Stephanie bowed her head and sighed. “I talk too much.”

  They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Then Madison broke the silence.

  “Stephanie?” Madison asked tentatively. “Do you love Dad?”

  A look of shock spread over Stephanie’s face. “Love him? Why, of course, I love him.”

  “I love him, too,” Madison said. “I just wanted you to know that.”

  “Of course,” Stephanie said. She looked deep into Madison’s eyes. “You’re a very special little girl,” she said.

  Madison hated the word “little,” but she didn’t voice her objection aloud.

  “Thanks,” Madison replied simply. “I guess.”

  “I’m lucky to have you both in my life,” Stephanie said. “I am so excited about becoming your stepmother.”

  Madison hated that word, too. She couldn’t help thinking of Cinderella. But she could also tell how hard Stephanie was trying to make nice with her. Madison reflected upon what Mom had said about asking if Stephanie needed help with the wedding.

  “Um … is there anything I can do to help this weekend?” Madison asked. “Besides reading at the wedding, I mean.”

  Stephanie let out a little gasp. Then she started to cry again. Madison wasn’t sure what to do.

  “Are you okay?” Madison asked, her voice shaking a little.

  “Oh! Oh!” Stephanie said. Real words seemed to have gotten trapped in her throat. “I’m just a little overwhelmed. Nothing for you to worry about.” She wiped her eyes, which smudged the mascara some more.

  Madison swallowed hard. This day rated
right up there as one of the strangest days in her life. First, there had been the lost suitcase; then, the overpowering Texas heat; and now, this?

  Madison thought about her friends back in Far Hills. She thought about Mom, sitting home alone with Phin. She thought about losing Dad … forever. And now, Stephanie was having a major meltdown. Seeing Stephanie cry made Madison want to cry. But she held it in.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Madison asked again.

  “Maddie,” Stephanie said, shaking off her tears. “I appreciate your offer to help, but there really isn’t anything for you to do. I know that tomorrow my sisters will be running errands and that sort of thing. And you will get to meet all my nieces and nephews. I know they will love you. Who wouldn’t love you?”

  She leaned over and gave Madison a squeeze.

  “Most of all, thank you for listening,” Stephanie said. She stroked Madison’s arm. “I hope you know that you can tell me anything, too.”

  Can I tell you that you make me nervous sometimes and that I think you try too hard and that I really really really don’t want you to marry my dad? Madison thought.

  But of course, she said none of that out loud.

  There was a loud bang on the divider door. Dad shouted through the partition, “Hey, what’s going on in there? Slumber party?”

  Madison rolled her eyes at Dad’s lame attempt to be funny.

  Stephanie stood up and went over to open the door. As she fiddled with the lock, Madison fell backward onto the bed and clutched at the pillows. The knot in the pit of her stomach had grown to the size of a watermelon.

  “Madison Francesca Finn,” Dad announced, coming into the room. He scooped Madison into his arms and gave her a big kiss.

  Madison squirmed.

  Stephanie crossed her arms and watched as Dad kissed Madison good night. “We’ll finish talking later, okay?” she said.

  Madison nodded.

  “Have a good sleep, honey bear,” Dad said. “Don’t stay up watching T.V. all night. We have a big day tomorrow.”

  “Speaking of which,” Stephanie said to Dad. “I need to get back on the road. Mother is expecting me back at the ranch tonight.”

  Madison forced a smile. “Good night,” she said.

  Stephanie and Dad disappeared through the divider door, locking it behind them with a loud click. Madison threw herself back onto the bed and reached for her laptop.

  Stepmothers

  I’ve only seen Stephanie cry once before and she didn’t know I was looking. One night at Dad’s apartment she was upset after dinner. But tonight she was a total mess. What am I supposed to say or do?

  More than half the kids in my class at FHJH have divorced parents and most of those have stepparents. But I just am not ready to join that crowd. Why should I?

  Now I know for sure: I hate Texas and everything about this weekend so far. I wish Phin was here so he would lick my toes and let me scratch his belly and then everything would be normal.

  Then again, I’m not really sure what normal is anymore.

  Rude Awakening: Do they call it “step” mother because it feels like this person wants to step all over everything and change my life?

  Actually, they should call it stompmother.

  Madison was just about to shut down her computer when she changed her mind and started a new e-mail. She couldn’t go to sleep without checking on someone.

  From: MadFinn

  To: Wetwinz

  Subject: How r U?

  Date: Thurs 18 July 10:49 PM

  Just wanted to check up and see how ur doing. Do you miss me b/c I miss you guys A LOT! I was at this party for Stephanie & my dad tonite and felt like such a loser. Is it possible to feel totally alone when ur in a room with 300 people? Well, not that many but close.

  Thanks again for all ur amazing ideas for the wedding collage. I worked on it for most of the plane ride since Dad was sleeping. And I have all the stuff here tonite so I can paste down flowers and work on my poem as soon as I finish writing this e-mail.

  Which I guess is now. See ya.

  Love,

  Maddie

  Madison glanced over at a bag of paper she’d tucked between the bed and the end table. Collage materials were bursting out of the side. Madison was lucky that neither Stephanie nor Dad had noticed it.

  She leaned over, dragged the paper, ribbon, and glue onto the bed, and clicked the television on.

  There was still a lot of work to be done for her project—and no time to do it. Stretching across the bed, Madison tried to work on her wedding poem. But all she was able to do was scribble lines across the page.

  After everything that had happened that night, it was hard to get into the mood to write a bunch of flowery, happy stuff about Dad and Stephanie.

  Really hard.

  Madison rested her head on her hands and stared at the T.V. She clicked the channels but couldn’t find anything to watch. After a while, the voices and music seemed to melt together.

  Her eyelids felt heavy.

  Within ten minutes, Madison was asleep.

  Chapter 11

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

  Madison thought she was dreaming until she heard Dad’s voice.

  “Madison! Madison!” he called out through the divider door. “Are you awake?”

  Groggily, Madison opened her eyes. She had fallen asleep facedown on top of her collage materials. Her arms had lines and indentations on them from where she had pressed against the paper and ribbons.

  And her hair looked like a bird’s nest.

  “Maddie!” Dad called again. “Are you decent?”

  “Dad? Hold on!” Madison said, blinking twice and leaping up from the bed. Panicked, she stuffed the collage materials under the bed and quickly yanked the blankets down. “Come in!” she called out, sticking her nose under the blanket.

  Dad burst through the door. “You’re still in bed?” he asked.

  Madison glanced at the clock for the first time. She hadn’t realized how late it was.

  “Whoops,” she mumbled. “I guess I’d better get ready.”

  Dad looked sweaty, even though the air-conditioning was on full blast in the hotel room.

  “Hurry up, okay?” he asked Madison, running his fingers through his hair.

  Madison smiled sweetly and jumped out from under the covers. “Okay!” she declared, throwing her arms around Dad’s waist.

  Dad let down his guard with a sigh. “I can’t believe I’m getting married tomorrow,” he said.

  “Me, neither,” Madison said.

  “Stephanie looked pretty last night, don’t you think?” Dad asked with a twinkle in his eye.

  Madison nodded. “I guess so. When she wasn’t crying.”

  “She’s just so nervous, that’s all,” Dad explained. “I am, too.”

  Dad glanced over at the table in Madison’s hotel room. On top was the copy of the book of love poems Dad and Stephanie had given her for the reading. Dad pointed to it.

  “Been practicing?” he asked.

  Madison felt all the color drain out of her cheeks. She hadn’t opened it since they had gotten to the hotel.

  “I was looking at it last night,” Madison said.

  “Shakespeare is hard to read,” Dad said.

  Madison’s heart was beating fast.

  The minute Dad left the room, she would open the book and start reading….

  “Well, I better go shave and call Stephanie’s sister. She’s coming for us,” Dad said, planting a kiss on Madison’s head. “I will be back in about thirty minutes.”

  Madison breathed a sigh of relief when Dad returned to his own room. She quickly gathered together her collage pieces from under the bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

  She decided the best thing to wear was Fiona’s purple sundress. That way she could keep cool—and keep connected to her BFF at the same time. Madison didn’t know how the day would turn out. She worried that Stephanie’s nieces and neph
ews wouldn’t like her. Or maybe she wouldn’t like them. Either way, Madison hoped the dress would do her some good.

  Luckily, the dress was a perfect fit. And she’d remembered to pack her purple barrettes at the last minute. Although black sandals didn’t completely pull the whole outfit together, they still went with almost everything, so Madison pulled them on. Strawberry-kiwi lip gloss came last.

  “I wish Hart could see me like this,” Madison thought to herself, puckering her lips in the mirror. It felt odd to look and feel good after falling asleep on top of a pile of papers in a strange hotel miles from home.

  “Wahoo!” Dad let out a holler and barged right back into Madison’s room.

  She jumped, startled.

  “Dad! What are you doing?”

  Dad grinned. “Getting in gear, my dear!” he chirped in his best Texas twang. “I was dragging a little, but now I’ve decided to be worry-free. And don’t you look pah-retty?”

  “Oh, Dad!” Madison put her hands on her hips. “Don’t talk like that,” she said.

  “Ready to hit the road?” Dad asked in his normal voice.

  Madison nodded. She grabbed her orange bag and headed for the door. Even though it was bulky, and she probably didn’t need half of the stuff inside, she didn’t want to be separated from it.

  In the elevator, Dad couldn’t stop bouncing around. He started out humming. As the elevator beeped at each floor, he made his own beeping noises.

  “Dad!” Madison groaned, rolling her eyes. “What is your problem?”

  He laughed. “I told you. I woke up nervous. But I’m working on it.”

  Madison couldn’t believe this was what Dad was like when he was nervous. Why couldn’t he bite his nails or do something else, silently?

  “Dad, I hate to tell you this, but no one beeps when they’re nervous,” Madison said.

  “Oh, really?” Dad chuckled. “Good thing you told me that.”

  Madison sneered a fake-o sneer. “You are so embarrassing, sometimes.”

  The elevator doors opened onto the hotel lobby, which was bustling with hotel staff and guests and luggage carts. Madison and her dad squeezed through a crowd of people, who Madison guessed were part of a tour group, because they all had cameras around their necks.

  “I didn’t know Bellville was a tourist spot,” Dad said as they walked away. “Then again, maybe they’re all wedding guests. Ha!”