Nutcase

by Hughes, Charlotte

  “You need to tell Jay,” he said.

  I nodded. I started my car and backed out. I was forced to stop and wait for another car to pull from one of the parking slots. “Come on!” I said, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel and glancing toward the entrance to the hospital. My head buzzed from everything that Carter had told me, and I suddenly felt panicky about helping Elizabeth escape. I wondered how much trouble I was in.

  I reached the main road just as the light turned red. I cursed my bad luck. But then I saw something that lifted my dark mood. A hearse rounded the hospital and followed the road leading to one of the exits. I caught a split-second look at Skeeter’s profile before he turned and headed in the opposite direction.

  I was in panic mode by the time I reached my office. I had counted every stoplight on the way.

  “Where have you been and why haven’t you returned my calls?” Mona said as I stepped inside the reception room. “I had to cancel one of your appointments.”

  “Sorry,” I said. “I had to turn off my cell phone in the hospital, and I forgot to turn it back on.” I figured that by the time things settled down I wouldn’t have any patients left.

  “Thad is in your office, and he is not happy.”

  “Wow, that was fast.” He’d obviously gotten a call from Hudson the minute the man had realized Elizabeth was missing.

  “And your uncle Bump called and asked that you call him back as soon as possible.” She paused. “Boy, you look like hell. Do you want a Xanax?”

  “No, I’d rather just white-knuckle my way through the rest of the day. Where are my mom and Trixie?”

  “You just missed them. Everything is packed and ready to go.”

  “I need you to make a few calls for me,” I said. “First, try to contact Jay. I have to talk to him. You’ve got his cell number, right?” Mona nodded. “Then contact Delores Spears.”

  “The psychiatrist?”

  “Yes. Tell her I’ve referred a patient, and it’s urgent that she see her first thing in the morning. If she has questions, put her through to me right away.”

  “Okay.”

  “When Elizabeth calls, give her the information, including Delores’s phone number and address. And make sure she’s safe.”

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  “Trust me. The less you know, the better.” I started for my office. “Oh, one more thing. Call Jeff Henry and find out how Mike is doing.”

  “I’m on it,” Mona said.

  I entered my office and found Thad reclining on my sofa. He began clapping at the sight of me. “Way to go, Kate!” he said. “Security guards are scouring hospital grounds as we speak because, as unbelievable and archaic as it sounds, a mental patient has escaped from the psychiatric ward. Dr. Hudson assured me that Senator Larkin will have our licenses over this.”

  “He’s full of hot air,” I muttered, sitting at my desk.

  “I’m not finished,” Thad said. “Edith punched Hudson in the face and broke his nose.”

  “I knew she would do me proud.”

  Thad got up from the sofa and placed both hands on my desk. He looked directly into my eyes. “It’s okay if you want to ignore court orders and screw with your own professional career, Kate,” he said, “but it’s not okay to take me down with you.”

  “Okay, Thad, listen up. Larkin is not going to do a damn thing to us because his wife will mop the floors of hell with him if he makes trouble. He has been physically and emotionally abusing her. Why do you think Hudson was keeping her drugged? So she wouldn’t tell,” I said. “Senator Larkin can’t afford more bad press.”

  “Gee, I hope you’re right for once.”

  I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You don’t always make wise decisions, Kate.”

  I’d had enough crap for one day. “You know what, Thad? Not only do I not like you very much right now, I don’t even want to talk to you. And I damn sure don’t want to share office space with you.”

  He looked surprised. Shocked, actually, I thought. I decided I liked that look on him.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

  “Where are you going to find a better deal? I was willing to go out of my way to help you.”

  “I don’t want your help. I want you to leave my office.”

  “You’re just angry right now. We’ll talk later, when you’ve had a chance to cool off.”

  “Good-bye, Thad.” He left without another word.

  Mona stepped inside. “Holy hell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Thad so pissed off. I’d like to thank you personally for that pleasure.”

  “Then you’ll be tickled pink to know we won’t be moving into his office after all.”

  “That’s a relief,” Mona said. “I won’t have to share space with Bunnykins.” She sat on the sofa. “So, why is Thad so angry?”

  Finally, I told Mona everything. Her mouth kept forming little O’s of surprise. “I’ve heard of Elizabeth Tyler Larkin,” she said once I’d finished. “She’s supposed to be this great philanthropist.”

  “She’s also a very nice person.”

  “So where are we moving?”

  “I’m trying to formulate a new plan.”

  “How about this plan,” she said. “Once the truck is loaded tomorrow, ask your mom if you can store your things at the back of their workroom and we’ll spend Saturday looking for a new office.”

  “I’ve been looking at offices for two months, Mona.”

  “I can help you.”

  I shook my head.

  “You know what, Kate?” she said. “It’s cool that you have all this pride, but you’re not thinking of your patients. This isn’t just about you.”

  I knew she was right. “I probably will spend Saturday looking for a place,” I said, “but the location may not be the greatest. If I do find something affordable and in a decent location, it will probably be a one-room office. Just a place for me to see patients and nothing more,” I added. “I may not have a reception area.”

  “Meaning I’ll be out of a job,” she said. “What if I like working here? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever once considered that the people who care most about you might actually find joy in doing things for you? You make things more complicated than they have to be.”

  “I hope you’re not mad at me,” I said, “because almost everybody I know is mad at me right now.”

  In response, Mona reached across my desk, pulled a pen from my oversized coffee mug, and tossed it aside. It landed on the floor and rolled several inches as I stared, dumbfounded.

  “There now,” she said, planting her hands on her hips. “That leaves you with seven pens instead of eight.”

  I fought the urge to dive for the pen. “Well, that was a real mature thing to do.”

  I glared at her.

  She glared back.

  I don’t know who cracked the first smile, but suddenly we were laughing. Mona sank onto the sofa and rolled back and forth as she howled with laughter. I swiped tears from my cheeks. Every time we tried to pull ourselves together, we fell into hearty guffaws.

  “Stop!” I cried, holding my aching sides.

  “Okay.” She cleared her throat. “I’m okay now.”

  I turned in my chair so I wouldn’t see the expression on her face.

  The phone rang. I reached over to press the blinking button and accidentally hit the speaker one instead. I tried to correct my mistake, but the button was stuck. It should have come as no surprise since I often dropped food crumbs or spilled coffee on my phone and my computer keyboard. I continued to work on it as I picked up the phone.

  “Kate, I’m so glad you’re there,” Uncle Bump said. “I have a serious problem on my hands. It’s a delicate matter.”

  I looked at Mona and shrugged. She got up from the sofa and tried to get the button unstuck.

  “What is it, Uncle Bump?” I asked.

/>   He sighed. “Well, I’ve been having a little trouble in the bedroom. I can’t seem to get, um, an erection.”

  Mona covered her mouth with both hands, even as her body shook with silent laughter.

  “Oh, well,” I said, swallowing hard to keep from joining Mona even though the absolute last thing in the world I wanted to think about was my uncle’s inability to get a hard-on.

  “To be perfectly honest, I’ve been having this problem for quite a while now,” he confessed.

  I turned my chair so that I was looking out the window instead of at Mona. Even though I hated it when my family called for medical advice that I could not give them, I found myself considering his dilemma. I couldn’t imagine any man getting turned on by my aunt Lou, a woman who smoked unfiltered cigarettes, sounded like her vocal cords had gone through a shredder, and carried an ice pick in her purse. “I’m sorry to hear it,” I said.

  “So what I did was borrow some Viagra from a friend.”

  I heard a choking sound behind me. Mona had a sofa cushion pressed against her face. She raced out of the room and closed it behind her. I could hear her laughing from the other side.

  “What’s that noise?” Uncle Bump asked.

  “Huh? Oh, they’re having a big party in the next office.” I got up and reached for the pen on the floor and stuffed it into the mug on my desk. I quickly counted to make certain I had an even number.

  “Okay, so back to my problem,” he said. “I was wondering if you thought it would be safe for me to take my friend’s medicine.”

  “Gee, Uncle Bump, I don’t know—”

  “I’m thinking it would be safer than having your aunt mad at me,” he said.

  It was hard to believe that this was the same uncle who’d drunk and gotten into fistfights in the seediest bars in Atlanta. He’d earned the nickname “Bump” after a biker had broken his nose and left a tiny knot on the ridge. “Like I’ve said before, Uncle Bump, I’m not an MD. You need to talk to your doctor.”

  “I can’t get an appointment for two weeks,” he said. “If your aunt doesn’t have an orgasm pretty soon she’s liable to stick that ice pick through my liver.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t help you,” I said, “but I feel I should warn you that taking someone else’s medication is never wise.”

  “I guess I’ll have to take my chances,” he said and hung up.

  I reached into my drawer and pulled out my can of dust remover that was used to blast debris from keyboards, cell phone buttons, and a variety of electronic equipment. I sprayed it directly on the stuck button, and it finally popped up, cutting off the speakerphone.

  I called my mother. She answered on the first ring. “Thanks for all your hard work,” I said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help.”

  “Trixie and I were happy to do it.”

  “How’s Arnie?”

  “He insists on us calling him Arnell, and he is doing great. All he needed was a little TLC. So what time do you want to start loading the truck tomorrow?”

  “I suppose we should start early,” I said. I wasn’t ready to break the news that I had no place to go. Maybe she’d feel sorry for me and let me operate my practice out of the back of her truck until I found something I could afford. Of course, it might prove difficult on rainy days.

  We finished our conversation and hung up. I was tired, and my stress level was at an all-time high. I wanted to talk to Jay in the worst way; but I would not push myself on him. And truly, I felt he owed me one or two explanations, starting with Mandy and ending with the reason he’d kept information from me about the fires.

  I put my head on my desk. Maybe if I stayed perfectly still nothing dangerous or chaotic would happen.

  I saw three patients back-to-back, which helped take my mind off my own problems, but by the end of the day I was dragging.

  Mona tapped on the door and peeked in. “Guess who’s here?”

  “Tell me it’s not a Jehovah’s Witness,” I said.

  “Nope.” She pushed open the door and Jeff stepped inside my office holding Mike.

  He wore a big smile. “Your little princess was missing you so I thought I’d drop her off to save you a trip to my office. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Your timing is perfect,” I said. Just seeing that Mike was okay lifted my spirits. Jeff put her down and she ran to me.

  I scooped her up in my arms. “She’s back to normal?” I asked, checking her eyes to see if they were glazed. She seemed alert and happy to see me.

  “She’s fine,” Jeff said, grinning. I noticed Mona studying him from the doorway.

  “Have you two met?” I asked.

  I officially introduced them, and they shook hands. “I sort of figured out who he was when he stepped inside holding Mike,” Mona said. She looked at Jeff. “Just so you know, Kate is constantly singing your praises.”

  “The feeling is mutual,” he said.

  Mona suddenly gave a huge smile. “You know what I think?” she said. “We need to celebrate Mike’s full recovery.” She turned back to Jeff. “I don’t know about you,” she said to Jeff, “but Kate and I could use a little fun.”

  He seemed to consider it. “I could bring pizza,” he suggested.

  “And I’ll bring wine,” Mona said.

  I was in no mood to celebrate. I was tired and irritable and figured I’d be terrible company. But they looked so hopeful that I hated to say no. I forced a smile. “You talked me into it,” I said.

  I was not surprised when Mona told me Dr. Hudson was on the phone. I knew I hadn’t heard the last from him.

  “I’m impressed, Dr. Holly,” he said when I picked up, “that you were able to sneak a patient off the psychiatric ward. It proves how incompetent the hospital is.”

  “Yes, and that’s one of our better hospitals,” I said. “Scary, huh?” I added. “By the way, how’s the nose?”

  “You’re going to pay for this,” he said.

  “Is that a threat, Dr. Hudson? Because if it is, I’m going to hang up and call the police. Then, I’m going to call a friend of mine who is an investigative reporter, and once I steer him onto you and the senator, he’ll blow this whole thing wide open. Let’s see who loses whose license first.”

  “You can’t prove anything.”

  “I have blood tests, photos of the bruises on Mrs. Larkin’s body, and her side of the story. And while the senator may have paid off the housekeeper, she could be subpoenaed to testify in court.”

  “You’re a real bitch on wheels, aren’t you?”

  “Well, I do have a bit of a temper,” I said. “Hell, I blew up my own office two months ago with nitroglycerin. Which is why I’m being evicted from the building,” I added, “and why you don’t want to piss me off.” I was amazed that I could sound like such a bad ass, especially with my knees knocking beneath my desk. “Go home, Dr. Hudson.” I hung up.

  chapter 12

  Mona arrived at my place early, bearing two bottles of wine. I had taken a quick shower and changed into jeans and a knit pullover. Elizabeth Larkin had called to let me know she was okay and that she had an appointment with my psychiatrist friend first thing in the morning.

  “I decided to bring a bottle of merlot since I don’t know what Jeff drinks,” Mona said. “Boy, is he good-looking or what? Have you ever noticed that all the really good looking guys are gay?”

  “Not all of them.”

  “Okay, just most of them,” she said.

  I opened a bottle of chardonnay, poured two glasses, and led Mona to the sofa. She looked thoughtful.

  “What’s on your mind?” I asked. “I can see the wheels spinning in your brain.”

  “I was thinking about what you said about how I have a lot to offer, and that really made me feel good. Only problem is, I don’t know what I should be doing with my life.”

  “What interests you most?” I asked.

  “Other than online shopping?” she replied.

  I took a sip of wine and waited.<
br />
  “Let’s face it, Kate. I’m shallow. I think that’s why Liam has lost interest.”

  “He hasn’t lost interest.”

  “He had dinner with a cute nurse last night. My PI got a picture of them.”

  I couldn’t hide my disappointment. “Where did they go?”

  Her bottom lip trembled. “The hospital cafeteria.”

  “Oh for Pete’s sake!” I said. “That has to be the most unromantic place in the world.”

  “I know you think I’m overreacting, but my female intuition tells me something is going on between them. A woman’s intuition is usually right. And why shouldn’t he lose interest in me? He’s devoted to helping people, and all I’ve done is complain about being ignored. Maybe he was ignoring me because he realized I have no, um, substance.”

  “I thought I was hard on myself,” I said, “but I think you’ve got me beat.”

  She didn’t seem to be listening. “I wasn’t always this self-centered,” she said. “I used to attend fund-raisers all the time with Mr. Moneybags.”

  “So, go out and raise funds,” I said. “I’ll bet you know all the right people.”

  She looked at me. “You don’t get it, Kate. The only reason I was accepted into that clique was because I was Mrs. Henry Epps. I’m not educated and refined. I’m the one who got kicked out of Miss Millie’s Charm School, remember? And I would never have graduated from beauty school had I not promised my instructor a good time if he passed me.” She looked as if she might cry. “I’m ashamed to say I was relieved he had a car wreck after graduation and ended up paralyzed from the waist down.”

  “You’re making that up.”

  “It’s the truth. The bottom line is you’re the only real friend I have. You accept me just like I am.”

  “I don’t believe that,” I said. “People love being around you.”

  “Okay, the pool guy wants to be my friend, but I think he has ulterior motives.”

  “You might be onto something.”

  “I certainly don’t fit in with Liam’s friends,” she continued. “I thought a femur was an exotic cat, and a corpuscle was a military person. His friends think I’m an idiot. I figured if I went to nursing school I would be able to talk on their level, you know?” She shook her head. “But I wouldn’t last five minutes in nursing school, and the reason I’ve got a PI following Liam is so I can catch him doing something wrong and break up with him before he breaks up with me.”