In the Middle of Nowhere

by Julie Ann Knudsen

  Luckily, no one was sitting near me on the ferry. I wanted to relax and reflect on the day that was almost as crazy as the night at Rocky’s.

  Reluctantly I had followed Tessa over to Rocky and his entourage’s exclusive VIP area. I sat there quietly while Tessa chatted it up with everyone. I didn’t feel comfortable being at their table, but was glad that none of the guys were paying any attention to me. There were some senior girls at the other end of the table who seemed annoyed that Tessa and I, two lowly sophomores, were infringing on their territory. They didn’t need to worry. I hadn’t set my sights on any of the muscle heads. I couldn’t speak for Tessa, though.

  At one point, Rocky looked over Tessa and me who were in the middle of a conversation.

  “Tessa? What up?”

  Tessa looked at Rocky and smiled. “Not much, big guy. Rocky, you remember Willow, don’t you?”

  Rocky threw his fabulous smile my way and winked. “How could I forget?”

  What!! My mouth hung open. I thought he had no recollection of me from the other night. Why else would he have completely ignored me in the hallway when I had seen him earlier that morning? Maybe his memory of my inconvenient vomiting and me came flooding back to him when I sat closer to him during lunch. Either way, I was totally mortified and glad that there was only a minute left in the period.

  I didn’t say a word, just gave Rocky my most confused, horrified-looking smile, as if I just caught a whiff of a dozen rotten and decaying, hardboiled eggs.

  I could not wait to get out of there and had to stop myself from getting up and running away. Thankfully the bell rang and I didn’t need an excuse anymore. Without saying good-bye to Tessa, I got up and bolted outta there, as fast as could, acting as if the whole lunchroom was on fire.

  • • •

  As soon as I got home, I went upstairs to sign onto MyWeb to check out the photos Taylor and Erica insisted existed of me at Rocky’s party. I was sure I had looked through all of them, but apparently I hadn’t.

  I followed the link, again, through Tessa’s home page. I clicked on the pictures, one at a time, and saw the same ones I had looked at the day before. I kept clicking and realized that there were some new ones I hadn’t seen yet, but none of me.

  Just when I thought I was at the end of all the new pictures, one popped up that made me gasp out loud. There I was, whooping it up and partying, right in the middle of the picture, pushing my boobs together, trying to give the illusion of bigger cleavage. The side of Rocky’s face was in the foreground, and to the bottom of the picture. He was sticking his tongue out toward me to make it look like he was licking my left boob! I was mortified, especially because I didn’t remember doing any of it.

  I was terrified to click on the next picture, but thankful when I saw it was of Tessa smiling and posing with Josh. The next one made me gasp even louder. I was sitting on a barstool in Rocky’s authentic looking English pub, my head thrown back, laughing hysterically as Rocky did a body shot, licking a dab of salt from between my genuine, adequate cleavage. I almost fell off my bed as I clicked back and forth between the two.

  Luckily there were only two incriminating photos, but to me, that meant that there were two too many. No wonder Taylor and Erica insisted that I must have had a great time at Rocky’s. From the pictures, it sure looked like I did. Too bad I couldn’t recall any of it, but the more I thought about it, the more I was actually grateful that I couldn’t.

  • • •

  The rest of the week passed without much incident. I couldn’t stand drama of any sort, so I chose to keep to myself. I tried my best to steer clear of Tessa, Taylor, Erica and even “The God,” preferring the quiet and calmness that accompanied the life of a hermit, which I had become.

  All I did was go to school, go home, eat dinner, do my homework, go to bed and repeat it all the very next day. I wouldn’t answer any texts, from anybody. My life felt similar to when I first moved to Pike’s and had no option but to lead a boring existence. The fact that I now had a choice was empowering, but I wanted to concentrate on my schoolwork and try to reach a decision as to whether or not I was going to meet up with Michael on Saturday.

  I was so torn about it. Part of me wanted to see him and spend time with him since I genuinely enjoyed talking to him. All we seemed to do was laugh when we were on the phone together. But the other part of me was scared because of Michael’s elusiveness, of not being able to understand anything about him.

  I didn’t want to set myself up, as I had before, by letting my guard down and opening up, only to have him suddenly disappear from my life again. I guess deep down I was scared, not of what I had to gain, but of what I had to lose. I couldn’t bear the thought of loving someone and losing them. I had already done it once in my life and that had been enough. I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive it ever again.

  I found myself unusually tired for a Thursday night. My mom and Brian went out for an early dinner right after school because they both needed to attend a meeting at the education department in town.

  My mom left money for James and me, so we ordered a pizza. I headed back to my room right after I ate and decided I would try and go to sleep early. With my homework done, I put on my only pair of warm and fuzzy feety pajamas, the pair that made me feel like a little girl again.

  I climbed under the pile of covers, turned off the light and got all snug in my bed. I tried to think happy thoughts, not about Michael or our potential rendezvous. I had to forget about him entirely and clear my head so I could get a peaceful night’s sleep.

  I must have fallen asleep rather quickly. I remember feeling like I was being lifted off of my bed, while still in a deep sleep, as though someone were carrying me. Slowly I opened my eyes and found myself staring into my father’s adoring face.

  I was surprised and looked around us. My father was carrying me up a steep flight of stairs, a set of stairs that seemed to have no ending. There was nothing else around us, except blue skies and white clouds. I looked back lovingly at my father and he spoke to me without words, just thoughts. He told me he loved me and always would, to not be afraid of love and that he was always with me even if I didn’t know it.

  I smiled at him and told him I loved him, too. I touched the side of his soft cheek as we as ascended the staircase and used my fingertips to trace the rest of his face so I would never forget it.

  He kept smiling at me and his blue eyes twinkled like never before. I smiled back. I didn’t want him to stop carrying me. I wanted to remain in his arms forever.

  Finally we reached the top of the stairs and came upon a pure white bed, surrounded with white, fluffy pillows and a soft, white lace blanket.

  He bent over to lay me on top of the welcoming bed, but I quickly protested. “No,” I shouted. I wanted to stay with him. He let me know that wasn’t possible, said that we both still had more work to do, his in heaven, and mine on Earth.

  He lay me down as gently as he could, while I kicked and screamed and cried. He leaned over and kissed my forehead as I objected and writhed on top of the celestial bed. It was no use. My father turned away and descended the steep stairs and left me all alone as I held out my arms toward him. I continued to cry out to him, to come back, to never leave me again as a torrent of tears streamed down my face.

  I suddenly bolted upright, looked around my room and realized that I’d been dreaming. I touched my face and found it wet with tears. It took me a moment to stop crying. I lay back down and tried to make sense of it all. As I relived the dream, I felt that it was both one of the best dreams I had ever had, but also one of the worst. My dear father had come back into my life so unexpectedly and left it, again, just as abruptly.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-THREE

  I dreaded going to school on Friday. I was exhausted because I didn’t sleep well at all. I tossed and turned the entire night as I tried to find my way back into my dream, onto that peaceful, heavenly staircase with my father. I wanted to see him again, to be with
him, to feel his arms protectively wrapped around me.

  Instead my alarm buzzed and I slowly rose to turn it off. I climbed back into bed and tried to decipher whether it was only a dream, and nothing more, or if my dad was trying to communicate with me through it.

  It felt so real to me, he felt so real. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep so I could be with my dad again. It hit me hard right then how much I truly missed him. I couldn’t help it. I started to cry. I grabbed my pillow and hugged it tightly. Even though he had died only five years prior, it felt like a lifetime ago, a lifetime since anyone called me Willie.

  I contemplated lying and telling my mom that I didn’t feel well. My throat was kind of sore and my heart ached, so I wouldn’t be lying completely. I quickly realized I had no choice but to go to school. I had a huge geometry test that I had spent a lot of time studying for. I didn’t want to forget everything and have to study all over again for the make-up on Monday.

  I scrambled out of bed when I saw how late it was and hurried so I wouldn’t have to hear it. I did anyway.

  “Willow!” my mom screamed from the bottom of the stairs. “Hurry up!”

  I opened my door and yelled back. “Coming!”

  I threw on the closest pieces of clothing I could grab, a stained sweatshirt and a dirty pair of jeans, which were strewn on my bedroom floor. I barely brushed my teeth or hair and didn’t attempt to put on any makeup. I never got ready so fast in my entire life.

  As I grabbed my hobo book bag, I caught a glimpse of myself in my full-length mirror. At first I thought there was a stranger in my room with me and then slowly realized the sad truth that it was I, looking more like a homeless person than an unhappy, over-achieving, sleep-deprived teen.

  • • •

  Tessa wasn’t in homeroom and I was glad because I didn’t want to talk to her or anyone. I caught a few people looking at me strangely, probably because I looked so scary. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be bothered anyway and figured my new look could only contribute to the new hermit image I was trying to convey.

  I finished my math test and felt pretty good about it. I got at least an A, I felt, or perhaps even better because I knew the answer to the bonus questions, too.

  As I waited while the rest of the class finished up, Erica, who sat beside me, slipped me a tiny note. I quickly grabbed it and opened it up. She wrote, “Just to let you know, some of the senior girls are referring to you and Tessa not as sophomores, but as soph-whore-mores.”

  I was shocked and totally speechless. I couldn’t have uttered a single word, even if I had wanted to, because we were still in the middle of an exam.

  I glanced at Erica and she shot me her smug, self-righteous smile, as if I was getting exactly what I deserved.

  I crumpled up the little piece of paper and threw it back at her. I didn’t care what other girls were saying about me. I knew it wasn’t true. I had no desire to hook up with any of the senior boys and had sat at their “coveted” lunch table only once.

  I knew most of the girls in the school didn’t like Tessa and that she had a bad reputation in general. I shouldn’t have been lumped in with her simply because I was friends with her.

  Tessa had her own mind, as did I, and was completely her own person. Even so, I thought back to what my mom used to say when referring to some of our oddball, close-knit neighbors from our old neighborhood, “Birds of a feather, flock together.”

  But that didn’t mean that I was totally like Tessa because we hung out together a few times. If anything, the only thing that I felt that we had in common was that we both seemed to long for female friendships. I shouldn’t be faulted for wanting a best friend, or any friend at all, for that matter.

  The bell rang and I tried to race out of there so I could avoid any further interactions with the condescending Erica. She was quicker than I thought and caught me right beyond the doorway. She tugged on my sleeve and stood with her hand on her hip.

  “Willow, I only told you that for your own good. I don’t want people talking about you and saying lies about you because Taylor and I know the kind of person you really are.”

  I rolled my eyes and sighed. “I know you mean well, Erica, but right now my reputation and what ‘senior girls’ are calling me are the least of my problems.”

  I turned and walked off toward my last class of the day and decided that, at the very least, I would definitely have given Erica an “A+” for effort.

  • • •

  I finally got home after a long, tiring day. All I could think about was getting back into bed so I could take a much-needed power nap. I put on a clean pair of sweats and finally brushed my teeth.

  On the ferry ride back to Pike’s, I had resolved to meet up with Michael. I had thought very long and very hard about it and decided I had nothing to lose. Worst case was that Michael wouldn’t show up and I’d end up wasting money on the taxi ride over. It was still too cold to walk or ride my bike. I was very curious and figured I would at least find out where his family’s summerhouse was located.

  As I lay in bed, I thought about how it would be when I saw Michael the very next day. Would he look the same? Would he be thinner or paler? Would I feel anything at all toward him when I looked at him for the very first time in a long time?

  I drifted off, even as a million different scenarios raced through my brain. I had finally fallen asleep when my cell phone rang and woke me. I grabbed it and read the phone number. I did not recognize it and answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Willow, it’s Brian Roberts. How are you?”

  I sat up, somewhat panicked. Brian had never called me on my cell phone before. “Fine. Is everything alright?”

  “Everything is fine. Listen,” he said, “as you know, your mother’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and I wanted to surprise her and take her to a spa overnight, so she can get a message and relax and—“

  I was tired, impatient and interrupted him. “So what do you want me to do?”

  “Would you be willing to stay home and watch James overnight?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” I always babysat, I thought to myself. Why was he asking my permission this time? Was it because it was for more than just a few hours?

  “Great! But you’re gonna have to stay home, overnight, Willow, all night long.”

  I wasn’t deaf. “I know. You already said that.”

  “You can’t sneak out, stay out all night, and then sneak back in, if you know what I mean. James cannot be left alone and I don’t want your mother to have to worry one second while we’re away. I want this to be a trip where she’s relaxed and completely stress-free.”

  What was Brian saying to me? “Why would I sneak out and stay out all night?” I asked.

  “Let’s just say,” Brian responded, “unlike your mother,” he paused for effect, “I’m a very light sleeper.”

  Oh, I thought to myself. I got it. Brian must have heard me sneak back in the night of Rocky’s “sleepover” because he had ended up bunking over at our house. And it was obvious he didn’t tell my mom because I would have definitely been grounded for it. I had to give Mr. Brian Roberts credit; he kept a secret from my mother.

  “Not a problem,” I said. “Just let me know when.”

  “Well, even though your mom’s birthday is in two weeks, I wanted to catch her off guard and take her away sooner.”

  “Sure. When?”

  “Tomorrow night.”

  What!? I wanted to yell. Tomorrow night, of all nights? Was he kidding me?

  “When would you guys leave?”

  “I booked the spa for noon, so we’ll have to leave here relatively early, say nine or ten.”

  I sighed, fell back onto my pillow and couldn’t believe it. So much for meeting up with Michael.

  “Does that work for you?” Brian wanted to know.

  “Yeah. I guess,” I mumbled.

  “Fantastic, Willow, and thank you. Remember, mums the word!” Brian bellowed befor
e hanging up.

  I stared at my ceiling and couldn’t believe my luck. What would I tell Michael? Should I cancel the plans altogether or have him come to my house instead? No. I could never do that. My brother had such a big mouth and would tell my mother that I had a boy over the minute she got back home.

  As I lay there in disbelief, I decided there was nothing I could really do except try to come up with a solution of how I could do both: see Michael and stay with James. In the meantime, I wanted to close my eyes and seek the sleep that somehow evaded me.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-FOUR

  I actually slept for more than fifteen hours straight, only waking when my mom asked me if I wanted some dinner.

  “No thanks,” I managed, before I rolled over and dozed until the next morning. I guess I really was tired after all. I felt good when I finally woke, renewed and happy, too. Then reality hit and I remembered that I still hadn’t thought of a solution to my problem about how I was going to spend time with Michael and stay home with my brother.

  The only way I could accomplish both, I concluded, was if I briefly met up with Michael and, once again, bribed James with the latest and greatest video game. I was starting to run out of money having to buy all those pricey CDs, along with my brother’s silence.

  I heard someone walking down the hallway toward the bathroom. The door closed and the shower was turned on. It must be my mother, ’cause James never would have gotten up this early to clean up. I wondered what the age was when a boy put cleanliness at the top of his priority list. I wasn’t going to hold my breath when it came to my brother. My mother had to beg or threaten him with banishment from gaming if he refused to use soap and water.