Unrequited

by Jen Frederick

  Impatient, Ivy started jumping on a step stool in the room. Off and on. On and off. Her frenetic behavior was going to drive me mad soon. She'd always been active, but her drug habit only fueled her inability to sit still. She'd taken meth, mostly. At one time, she admitted the sex when she'd been on meth was so fantastic that she couldn't have it without. Part of why she was addicted, she explained.

  "I know."

  Ivy had been involuntarily committed once due to her addiction. She’d spent a week hospitalized before they sent her to a local rehabilitation joint. It didn't take. None of them had. The longest she'd been clean was when she was down at the Northville Correctional Facility for six months.

  Ivy said prison was fine, and she didn't look worse for wear. It was a minimum security place where she got to take classes in art, knitting, basket weaving, and even accounting.

  She said it was like an all-girls camp with all the attendant girl problems. Lots of drama and fighting over the guards, who weren't supposed to sleep with the prisoners but apparently did—all the time.

  I was about to haul Ivy to the chair beside me—for my own sanity—when the nurse came back.

  “The doctor will be in shortly,” she said abruptly and then left. We waited another half hour before another woman came in, this one wearing a white lab coat and a nametag that said Dr. Turner.

  "I see by your chart you don't have health insurance, is that right?" Dr. Turner asked.

  Ivy nodded her head, and we exchanged worried looks.

  "You'll need to call Department of Human Services to check out your options for prenatal care. You're pregnant."

  She said other things. Gave us samples. The nurse came in. She said things. I didn't catch any of it, and I'm not sure Ivy did either.

  We rode home in stunned silence. Neither of us spoke until we got to the apartment. We lived in a tiny two-bedroom apartment in a really shitty part of town. It was fine for two girls, but it was terrible for raising a kid.

  Ivy dropped into a wooden chair in the kitchen and covered her face with both hands. "My life is officially ruined."

  "I don't know," I said slowly. "You've got options."

  "You're going to be an aunt," she said, ignoring me. "Being an aunt is awesome. Being a mom is not. You can go out and do shit when you want. A kid is twenty-four-seven obligation. We both know I can barely care for myself. It's a good thing Mom and Dad are dead because this would kill them. After they killed me."

  "They would not," I objected almost automatically.

  She turned to me in astonishment. "God, I can't believe I'm so ignorant that I failed to realize I wasn't just getting fat, I was pregnant. You know what Jimmy said to me the other day? Lay off the cheeseburgers, or I'll have to send you to One Dollar. Do you know what kind of hellhole that place is? It's so rundown that the strippers pay the clients to sit and watch them take off their clothes."

  "We'll get you another job. Maybe Tucker could hire you. You could be the shop bitch."

  "Nice, and no. I'm not going to work at your fancy tattoo parlor because I can't draw and I can't tattoo anyone, and I don't want to learn either. I’ll keep waiting tables. That brings in decent money."

  For how long? It sounded like she had bypassed all her options but one.

  I took a seat next to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. She felt thin, frail beneath my arm. She had gone into prison a junky with lanky hair and skin that was going bad and came out dry and healthy looking. But Ivy, who stood four inches taller than me, had always been very slender. She could barely take care of herself, let alone a child.

  "There are clinics," I started to say, but she cut me off.

  "I'm not doing that." She shrugged off my arm and went to the refrigerator. "I should probably drink more milk and shit like that. Throw me the bag of samples the doc gave us. Those prenatal vitamins are in there."

  "Why not consider termination as an option?" I said, handing her the bag.

  "I want to have this baby, Winter. I keep thinking how your birth mother carried you to term even though it must have been so hard for her. Whatever her circumstances. If she had aborted you, I wouldn't have you. I can't do that, Winter."

  In the dark of night, we'd whispered all our fears to each other, and mine had made a bigger impact than I'd realized.

  "I don't feel that way now," I urged.

  "Winter, please, I want this baby." Her hand cupped her belly, and she looked at me with fierceness. “You have got to be with me on this. I know I can't do it alone. Together you and I are the Donovan sisters, and we can do anything."

  We really couldn’t. I thought of our tiny bank account. I looked around at our shitty apartment. I squeezed her tighter. "Then maybe adoption."

  "Seriously, do I even know you? We aren't letting someone raise our kid, Winter. I remember all those nights you cried in my arms, wondering why she gave you up. Why she wouldn't fight for you. I don't want that either. Please help me. This baby is going to be yours and mine. We'll raise it together." She pushed away and pulled out the vitamin box. I wondered how much those would cost. Babies were ridiculously expensive.

  "How?" I asked helplessly. "We can't afford another place, especially if you won't have your tips from Riskie's."

  "I'll get another job," she said stubbornly. Two pills disappeared in her mouth, and she washed them down with a glass of milk.

  "What about the father?"

  She was quiet for a long time before admitting, "Not sure."

  I tried not to appear too judgy but must have failed.

  "Look, I just got out of prison, and I felt…worthless and demoralized. I was a felon at the age of twenty-five. I had no job prospects. They do counseling when you're nearing your release date. They tell you that you have to have a positive attitude, or you'll wind up back in jail. So when I got out, I admit I went a little crazy, but it woke me up, and I've been sober now for over a hundred days." She waved a coin that Margo must have brought her.

  "That was rock bottom?" I asked with raised eyebrows. The counselor had told us until Ivy reached rock bottom, she wouldn't be interested in recovering. Her excuses would always blind her to her addictions.

  "No, I think I'm at rock bottom now." She gave me a resigned look and patted her belly. Putting the milk away, she stomped into her bedroom and left me standing there feeling shell-shocked.

  The fear, the selfish part of me wanted to recoil and push her away, but I couldn’t do that to her or her child. If it was me, I’d have gotten the abortion. I couldn’t give a baby up for adoption and then live with someone I birthed walking around feeling this big hole in her chest. That was a wound that had never fully healed no matter how many times Mom and Dad reminded me that I had been chosen, that they had wanted me for Ivy’s sister and their daughter more than any other girl out there.

  What people told you and what you truly believed were often very different things. But what I did believe was that Ivy needed me, and I couldn’t abandon her, no matter how scary and wrong her choice seemed to me.

  On my phone, I checked my bank balance. We had a few thousand dollars in savings that I'd hoped to use to buy a car so Ivy and I wouldn't have to share. There was also a bit of money I'd set aside from the sale of the house that Ivy didn't know about. It was the emergency fund. I suppose if there was ever an emergency, this would be it.

  But medical bills, another mouth to feed, a better place to live…those would all eat through our savings like Pac Man on steroids. Suddenly the inking job looked incredibly appealing.

  "I'm going down to Atra," I called, but there was no response.

  * * *

  "Tucker here?" I asked Gig when I walked in. Of course he was here. Tucker lived in his tattoo shop.

  "He's in the back." Gig jerked his head toward the rear of the shop.

  Tucker was in our small break room that contained a card table, four chairs, and a microwave. And boxes. Lots of boxes full of ink, body jewelry, tattoo gun modification pieces, and who
knew what else. There were shelves in boxes too.

  "When are you going to put those up?"

  He ran a hand through his unruly hair. "I'm a tattoo artist, not a fucking carpenter."

  My thoughts flicked to Finn and his capable hands and his sawdust-covered boots. He'd have those shelves up in no time.

  "How much would it cost me to apprentice?" I asked, sitting in one of the uncomfortable folding chairs.

  He perked up at this. "Usually it costs a couple grand, but I'm willing to teach you for free if you agree to work for me for two years after you're done apprenticing. And this would include exclusivity over your designs so you couldn't take your art and talent somewhere else the minute you learned how to ink."

  "Two years? I think indentured servants had to pledge themselves for less time."

  "It was seven years for indentured servants, and most died before their servitude was over. We can go seven years if you like."

  The worst thing about Tucker was that he had that stupid law degree under his belt. It sucked to argue with him. There was no winning. And he liked to argue. I could see his engines firing up. I, on the other hand, did not like confrontation. As he leaned forward, I scooted back.

  "Would I have to pay for supplies? You make Gig pay for his ink and pig skins." Gig was learning to tattoo on pigskin procured from a local butcher, which I thought was tremendously gross, but the alternative was really expensive. Plastic skin cost twenty times as much as a pigskin.

  "You'd need to pay for the disposables. Ink, needles, grips, skins. I'll make your gun for you, which you can rent. When you're done apprenticing, you'll need to buy your own gun."

  "What if I can't do it?" I was worried I was too squeamish to permanently scar someone with ink. It was one thing to watch it done and a whole other level to do it.

  Tucker just smiled, a long slow curve of his lips. "You love to draw. This is a human canvas. There isn’t anything better, Winter."

  "I guess I won't know until I try it. If I start apprenticing, we might need another receptionist—"

  "No way." Tucker stood abruptly. "I'm not hiring your sister."

  "Why not? She went in for drug use not stealing." I didn't mention all the times she'd taken money from me or my parents. That wasn't relevant now that she was clean.

  "I'm not, and that's the end of it. You and Gig can share those duties. You're going to have to start coming in before noon and practicing. I'm not paying you for those hours either."

  "Gee, you make this sound so appealing."

  "You need a job that pays more money, right? Well, this is it. You could have a real career at this. You're an amazing artist, and after you start inking, I bet your designs flourish even more. Concentrate on that and forget about your sister."

  He wiped his mouth with a napkin and then went out.

  I stared after his retreating back. I appreciated his confidence in my abilities, but the criticism of Ivy bothered me. If Tucker, a guy who owned a tattoo parlor for crying out loud, wouldn't even hire her to answer phones, what kind of job could she get? And if she didn't have a job, if she had to constantly worry about feeding herself and her baby, would she crumple under the stress and look to drink away that frustration?

  None of these scenarios looked good to me. I leaned an arm on the table and let out a long sigh. I loved Ivy. I really did, but sometimes the weight of being responsible for both of us was too much for me. Adding a baby to that mix was insane, but what could I do? The Donovans adopted me when I was a baby. They saved me from a life in an orphanage or worse. The very least I could do was help the newest Donovan.

  15

  FINN

  Winter looked worn out when I picked her up for dinner.

  “What’s wrong, and whose ass do I need to kick?” I said only half-jokingly.

  She gave me a wan smile. “Nice to see you, too.”

  Something was wrong because she’d required a lot of cajoling to let me take her to dinner, which surprised me. After all we'd shared at the farm, I thought we left solid. But she hemmed and hawed and then finally caved. It pissed me off a little and worried me a helluva lot more.

  "You look like a truck ran over you."

  "Thanks," she said sourly. Then she laid her head down on the table.

  I quickly stood and went to her side of the booth. I pushed her unresponsive body over and pulled her into my arms. "What's going on?"

  "Ivy's pregnant," she mumbled into the tabletop.

  I thought for a moment that I misheard her. "Pregnant?"

  She nodded.

  "Holy shit." A dozen thoughts tumbled in my head. How far along was she? Did she name the father?

  "Yes, that was my response too." Winter sat up, but her head was still so heavy she had to prop it up with a hand. Leaning on her elbow, she stared at me with dark, worried eyes.

  "What’s she going to do?" I knew that answer, though. Winter wouldn't have looked this way if Ivy had made a different decision. My heart beat so loud I swear she could hear it.

  "She's keeping it. I know it sounds stupid, but I just…I could have been aborted, you know? Ivy didn't want that. And I can't stand the thought of my nephew or niece not being part of the family. I asked Tucker to take her on, but he said no. Maybe I should push Ivy to have an abortion. I just don't know. I feel like we're making all the wrong decisions already."

  I pushed her head into my shoulder so she couldn't see me. So I couldn't see her.

  "When's she due?" I asked, my voice hoarse and dry.

  "She didn't know. She couldn't remember the last time she had her period. The nurse said without an ultrasound, we wouldn't know the accurate due date, but between twelve and sixteen weeks."

  Twelve and sixteen weeks? My dad died one hundred eight days ago. That was fifteen weeks ago. Fuck. FUCK. I pulled up the memory, the one that I'd tried to forget after Winter had found me that night. The one I hadn’t told her about. But all I could remember was Ivy in the drugstore. Ivy in my truck. Ivy and I drinking. Ivy and I… No. I closed my eyes. Nothing happened that night. I would've remembered.

  I cleared my throat. I had to come clean. Better now than later. Winter already felt vulnerable because she felt like she was second place. "You know that night you found me? I was in a bad place."

  "Everything okay here?" A brown-haired waiter whose hair flopped into his eyes interrupted.

  Winter immediately pushed away from my chest and brushed her own hair back. "Yes, everything is fine." She picked up her menu and looked at me and then at the space across from her, meaning, I was supposed to go over to the other side. Not happening.

  "I'll have the steak, mashed potatoes, and soup."

  "Soup and bread. Lots of bread." Winter put in her own order.

  The waiter took off, and I tried again. "I'd been drinking a lot after Dad died. It was a tough time, and I did a bunch of stupid things."

  "Did you want bread before or with your entree?"

  Goddammit. Would he just shut the hell up and put in our order. “With the entrée,” I said impatiently.

  "With the soup, please," she replied with a soft smile, trying to make up for me being an asshole, I suppose.

  Winter elbowed me in the side, but I didn’t flinch, too busy glaring at the waiter who refused to get a fucking clue. He stood, half bent over, as if Winter were going to give him her phone number. Hello, asshole, I’m sitting right next to her.

  “She said with the soup,” I repeated loudly. Was I going to have to starting mauling Winter in front of him so he’d stop staring at her like a stupid cow?

  He finally shuffled away, and I turned to Winter to finish confessing. Before I could open my mouth, though, she said, “I know what you're going to say, and you don't need to explain."

  "I don't?" I blinked. Had Ivy said something?

  "Yes, it's in the past, and there's no reason for us to spend time dwelling on the past. It didn't involve you and me and it won't affect us in the future."

  That…tha
t was incredibly generous and maybe entirely too optimistic, but if she thought it wouldn't affect us then why should I spend any mental energy on it?

  I made one more stab at it so she knew I was truly sorry. "You know that I drank with Ivy. I never did drugs with her, but I definitely drank."

  Winter's lips pressed together, and then she blew out a stream of air. "I know, but she's clean. You're clearly not an alcoholic. In AA, the person in recovery has to make amends, and in Al-Anon, you have to learn how to accept that. I don't see how either of us can move beyond the past if we don't learn a little forgiveness."

  I marveled at her capacity for forgiveness then. Would I have been so accepting if Winter had screwed, say, my cousin Callum and gotten pregnant with their baby? I don't think so. I think I would've been angry and turned her away.

  Hadn't I still been judging my mom for everything she'd done while excusing my old man? Part of me did feel like she killed him. It wasn't rational. He killed himself through years of bad eating and refusing to ever see a doctor. That his wife had an affair with his brother hadn't killed him. It was fucking bad timing is what it was.

  "You're pretty amazing, Winter." I reached over and cupped her head. She felt so fragile and delicate in my big hands. Her silky hair caught on my callouses, and her soft skin took on a very attractive reddish hue after I'd rubbed my stubble all over it.

  I didn't want to hurt this tender girl in any way. I was beginning to realize how vital she was to my life. The urge to prove myself to her was becoming important. I lowered my head and sipped from her lips, sucking lightly and inhaling all the sweetness she so unselfishly offered. Behind me I heard the coughing of the waiter, but I ignored him because food wasn't remotely more interesting than kissing Winter.

  Unfortunately she heard him and drew back. Her lips looked satisfyingly red, and her eyelids had a sleepy look to them. I hid a smirk and gave the waiter a short nod of gratitude for delivering our food.