Dark Hearts

by Micalea Smeltzer

“What’s not her problem?” I counter. “Do you want a drink?” I ask.

  “Yeah and a turkey club. I forgot to eat because I was focused on not fucking up my hair.”

  I chuckle and grab her usual drink and hand it to her. “I’ll put that in.”

  I enter her order into the system and tend to the other people at the bar before circling back to her.

  “Ready for class tomorrow?” I ask her, wiping down the bar nearby her so that if Matilda comes by I have the excuse of doing something. Nova started her sophomore year at Huntley University this past Thursday.

  “Yeah.” She nods, setting her beer bottle down and toying with the label where the corner has peeled up. “It does get a little boring at times since I’ve already self-taught myself most of it. But it’s not so bad.”

  “I can’t believe I’m finally done with it,” I admit. “I was beginning to think college was going to last forever.”

  She laughs. “Yeah, sometimes it feels that way.”

  “Loverboy, move your ass out of the way.” Matilda pushes by me where I’m leaning over the bar toward Nova.

  I growl. “If I was a girl I’d pull her hair,” I whisper to Nova.

  “I might do it for you. She’s being a bitch.”

  “I’m going to check on your food,” I tell Nova, holding up one finger to signal to her to give me a minute.

  The kitchen is a chaotic symphony of people yelling and dishes clanging.

  Nova’s turkey club comes up into the window just as I approach, so I grab it and another order for the bar and head back.

  I drop the one order off first before taking Nova hers. Her eyes light up when she sees the food and she’s grabbing for it before I can even put it down.

  I know I can’t linger so I head off to mix more drinks and take orders.

  I might also “accidentally” splash Matilda with water while I’m cleaning dishes.

  Nova sees it and busts out laughing, which only serves to piss Matilda off more, but I can’t bring myself to care.

  Matilda flounces off and Nova shakes her head as I make my way back over to her.

  “I don’t know how you can work with her.”

  “I have to.” I shrug. “Want anything else?” I take her empty plate from her.

  She shakes her head. “No, I better head back home. With class in the morning I need to be responsible and get some sleep.”

  “Thinking ahead. Smart move. I’ve never been good at that.” I start to back away. “Well,” I say awkwardly, “since I probably won’t see you again tonight … goodnight.”

  She looks slightly queasy at my words, which I can’t understand. “Yeah, goodnight,” she says, laying some cash on the bar.

  I watch her head off, wondering what’s caused the sudden stiffness in her shoulders.

  Fuck, girls are weird complicated creatures.

  Nova

  Since I probably won’t see you again tonight … goodnight.

  What does that mean?

  Does it mean what I think it means? That he’s not planning on coming home? That he’s going to spend the night banging some random girl? And if it does mean that, then why do I care so much? Jace can do whatever he wants. He’s my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. So why does my chest feel so hollow, like my heart has been carved out, at the thought of him with another girl? He’s not mine. He owes me nothing.

  Get it together, Nova, I scold myself as I walk through the chilly air toward the apartment building down the block.

  This freak-out of mine needs to stop.

  I’m beginning to think moving in with Jace was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made—and that’s saying something. But ever since then, my feelings for him have grown a bit more every day. I don’t understand it.

  I keep reminding myself that we’re just friends but those words are doing nothing to assuage my attraction.

  I reach the building and push the door to go inside.

  I head straight up to the apartment and into my room where I change into my pajamas and flop onto my bed staring up at the ceiling. My room is barely big enough for a full-size bed, a dresser, and a desk which also serves as my night table. On the ceiling, I’ve hung swatches of black fabric, creating my own canopy, and it has wire star lights dangling down. The great thing about high ceilings is there’s an endless list of possibilities of things you can do.

  I stare up at the twinkling lights for a few minutes before reaching over to my desk and grabbing my notebook.

  Per my usual nighttime ritual, I begin to write.

  Dear Owen,

  I dyed my hair blue today.

  I wish you could see it. I bet you’d love it.

  Not much else happened today that I have to tell you. My life is so boring without you. Tomorrow is my first Monday of classes. I can’t believe I’m a sophomore. Where’d the time go? I feel like I blinked and became an adult and I guess it feels even weirder because in so many ways I feel like I’m still such a child—like I have so much left to learn.

  I guess that’s the thing though—we’re always learning.

  I miss you.

  Every. Single. Day.

  You’re always in my thoughts.

  Always.

  Love,

  Nova

  I tear the piece of paper out and fold it up then I stuff it and the notebook back in the drawer. I draw my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, like the gesture alone can help seal the gaping wound in my chest.

  I don’t know why I bother.

  Some wounds never heal.

  Sometimes you have to feel pain to remind you that you’re alive.

  I allow myself one more minute of wallowing in misery before I shuck off the pain and climb beneath the covers.

  My thoughts venture back to Jace and what he might be planning to spend his night doing and I feel queasy again—which in turn makes me angry at myself because I have no right to feel that way.

  But the heart doesn’t really have control over what it feels. It’s on a constant rollercoaster of emotion, and we’re just along for the ride.

  I count backward from one-hundred, and when that doesn’t work, I count sheep.

  I’m still awake when Jace comes in a little after one in the morning.

  I hear the front door creak open and he tiptoes quietly across the floor and into the kitchen. I hear him rummaging around in the refrigerator, and I breathe a sigh of relief because it’s obviously only him.

  Exhaustion takes over then and I fall straight to sleep.

  “Could you stop smiling? It’s weird,” I tell Rae as we head across campus together toward class.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, but she’s still freaking smiling. “I’m just so happy.”

  I shake my head back and forth in disbelief. “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers,” I mutter to myself.

  Last year, Rae kept to herself, barely spoke to anyone unless forced, and always sported a severe case of resting bitch face—all things much like myself, which is why I always liked her.

  But then she had to go fall in love and become a ray of fucking sunshine all the time.

  I prefer clouds and rain.

  “You know what you need—”

  “Not a boyfriend,” I interrupt. “If you say boyfriend I will drop kick you.”

  She laughs. “I wasn’t going to say that. I think you need a night out. You stay in too much.”

  “I went out last night,” I object.

  She rolls her eyes. “Going to the bar Jace works at does not count as going out.”

  She has me there.

  “What would you suggest then?”

  “It’s time for another girls’ day.”

  I try not to cringe. “I don’t know if I can handle Thea for that long.”

  Rae frowns. “I know she can be a bit of a spaz, but she’s so sweet. Her heart’s always in the right place.”

  “I know that. I like Thea, I do … Just in small amounts of time. She’
s kind of a lot to take in.”

  Rae mumbles in agreement. “We’ll just do dinner then. How does that sound?”

  “Equally as boring as staying home—only staying home is better because I can wear my pajamas.”

  “Nova,” she whines. Yes, whines. “You never want to do anything. You hang out with Jace and go to school, what kind of life is that?” Her brow furrows and she stops in her tracks, grabbing my arm so I’m forced to stop with her. “What exactly did you do all summer? Cade and I were busy most of the time, and Thea was all wrapped up in Xander, and we barely saw you.”

  “Um … I worked and …” I rack my brain for something I did that didn’t involve Jace, but seeing as how I moved in with him after classes ended, pretty much everything I did this summer involved him in some way. “Took pictures and stuff.”

  “And stuff?” She latches onto the word. “Did this stuff involve Jace?”

  “Well, sometimes.”

  “I knew you guys were having sex.” I half-expect her to break out in a victory dance.

  “Wrong,” I inform her. “He’s my friend. That’s all.”

  She stares me down—looking for any sign that I’m lying. “Whatever you say,” she replies after a moment. She starts walking again, and I assume that means the conversation is over.

  It feels good to be back in class.

  Unlike most people, I’ve always loved school and learning. It was my home away from home growing up. My safe place.

  Rae and I grab seats side by side, and I drop my backpack between my feet.

  Rae’s phone vibrates on her desk and she gets a goofy smile on her face—a text from Cade, I figure it’s safe to assume.

  More students trickle in, and I recognize most people from last year. My photography and graphic design classes are all relatively small. Huntley is better known for its athletics than its arts—but I didn’t choose to go here because of what it had to offer but because it was the farthest school away from my family. I wanted the excuse of distance for not going back.

  A guy drops into the seat beside me, his bag bumping mine.

  “Sorry,” he mutters.

  “It’s okay,” I say, not even bothering to look at him.

  I bend down and pull my laptop from my backpack so I’ll be ready to take notes when the professor gets here. If today’s class is anything like the ones I experienced last week, they’ll jump right into the lesson and that’s that. We’re sophomores now so the way the professors see it, we’re adults and shouldn’t need to be coddled, and that’s just the way I like it.

  “I’m Joel.”

  I bend back down, looking for a pencil and my notebook just in case my laptop dies or something else happens. I like to be prepared for all things.

  “What’s your name?”

  My head snaps up, and I look at the guy sitting beside me. “Are you talking to me?”

  He laughs. “Yeah.”

  “Why?” I snap.

  Beside me, Rae snickers. I resist the urge to elbow her in the gut.

  “I don’t know, because you’re sitting beside me and we’re going to be in classes together for the whole year. I recognize you from my web design class too.”

  “I’m here to learn. Not make friends.”

  “She’s your friend,” he points out, leaning forward to look at Rae.

  “He’s good,” she whispers under her breath.

  “I’m new here,” Joel continues. “I could use some friends.”

  “You could also apparently use my foot up your ass,” I mutter and Rae snorts.

  He smiles—and I’ll give him credit, because it’s not a smarmy smile. “I like you.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  “Like me? You don’t even know me yet,” he responds.

  “Like me.” I turn back to face the front of the room and let me him think what he wants with that information.

  “Remind me to never piss you off,” Rae says. “You’re vicious.”

  “Gotta keep you on your toes,” I tell her as Professor Hawthorne comes into the room.

  Nova

  “This is weird. This is so weird,” Thea mutters, barely picking at her lunch. “The guys should be here. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss them. Especially Xander.”

  Rae peers at Thea over the top of her sandwich. “You just saw him this morning.”

  “I know,” Thea sighs. “But I love him, and I miss him.” She takes a reluctant bite of her sandwich. “I know, I know,” she continues before we can say anything. “I’ve become one of those girls—but have you see the boy? He’s lucky I don’t have him naked and flat on his back all day while I go to town.”

  Rae covers her face with her hands and groans. To me, she whispers, “Be so glad you don’t live with them.”

  I am. I so am.

  Although, Rae doesn’t see it, she’s equally as bad with Cade. She’s mellowed out some since they’ve been together almost a year, but she still has that new relationship glow about her and she turns into mush any time she sees him.

  Thea sighs and abandons her sandwich. “Xander’s first NFL game is this weekend. You and Jace are still coming?” she asks me, nervously fiddling with the collar of her shirt.

  “Um … yeah,” I say, racking my brain for any reason that might have come up that will prevent me from going.

  Football isn’t really my thing, and I only attended a few college games last year. It wasn’t exactly what I’d call a good time. I don’t like sports, and I don’t understand them, so spending my whole day at a professional game sounds even worse. People get so bent out of shape over the teams they love, and when they lose, they act like miserable little shits.

  But I can’t tell Thea that.

  And I do like Xander and want to support him as his first professional game is a big deal.

  Thea asked all of us to go about a month ago, and even though it requires being gone the whole weekend and flying, we all said yes. There was no way any of us would say no.

  “He probably won’t get any playing time, but I want us to support him,” she rambles. “I know it’ll mean a lot to him.”

  Then she’s moving on to another topic. She reminds me a lot of a hyper puppy. She can’t focus on one thing for more than a few seconds, but it’s part of her charm. “I can’t believe I’m married, guys,” she muses, resting her elbow on the table and her head in her hand. “Not only that, but I married him twice. That’s insane.”

  I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Xander and Thea went on a business trip at the beginning of the summer and ended up married. I mean, everyone except maybe her brother—who also happens to be Xander’s best friend—knew those two were going to end up together. Every time they’re in a room together their chemistry knocks you down. You can’t deny something like that. It’s impossible.

  “I knew you two would probably end up together,” Rae speaks up. “But I didn’t expect a Vegas wedding—props to you for being such a go-getter.”

  Thea snorts. “Still can’t believe I proposed and he said yes.”

  “It was meant to be,” Rae responds.

  I finish my sandwich and wad up the Saran wrap. “While this conversation is super fascinating, we need to get to class,” I remind them.

  “Crap.” Rae drops her half-eaten sandwich down and looks at the time on her phone. “You’re right—and our class is all the way on the other side of campus.”

  She hurriedly gathers her trash, and I do the same.

  “See you later,” I say to Thea. She looks like a wounded animal at the fact that we’re leaving.

  “We should all have dinner tomorrow since Xander’s still home. He leaves Wednesday and is gone for a few weeks since he has only away games.” She looks really sad now. I’m sure it must be hard for them, newly married, and a new relationship at that, with him traveling for work and her still in college.

  “Yeah, I’m in,” I say. I’d say anything to get that sad look off her face. I might c
ome across as rough and hard to like, but with my few friends, I care about how they feel, and I don’t like seeing Thea sad.

  She brightens a bit. “Good—talk to Jace about that too, please.”

  “Sure thing.”

  I salute her and then follow Rae out of the cafeteria where she waves impatiently for me, as if I wasn’t the one who reminded her that we needed to go.

  We hurry across campus together and into class where I end up forced to sit beside Joel because we’re late.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I hiss.

  Joel looks up with a smile. “We meet again.”

  “Bite me,” I snap.

  My anger is uncalled for, I know, because he hasn’t been a total dick, but I can’t help it. It’s like the world is conspiring against me and is going to insist on shoving the new guy down my throat just to spite me.

  He chuckles. “You’d probably taste sour, and I prefer sweet, so no thanks.”

  I’d think maybe I’d finally pissed him off, but he’s still smiling and looking at me like I’m hilarious.

  I sigh and set my backpack on the floor by my feet. The desks in this classroom are built for two people, much like the ones I remember having in our science classrooms in my old high school.

  Professor Blake breezes into the room. “Morning class, and welcome to advanced photography. I recognize many of you from last year—it’s good to see you back. We’ll be working on lots of different things this year and several of those projects will be with a partner. And lucky for you, you’ve already picked your partners.” No. “The person sitting beside you will be your partner for any and all projects. No exceptions,” she says, like she knows I’m having an internal freak out.

  I look beside me at Joel and he smiles over at me. “Howdy, partner.”

  Kill me now.

  Jace

  “You look pissed,” I comment as Nova takes a seat at one of the barstools.

  “I need a drink,” she pleads, flicking her fingers for me to get a move on.

  I grab her usual and slide it onto the bar top. I half-expect Matilda to magically appear and bitch at me for speaking to Nova, but, thankfully, today is her day off.