Dark Hearts

by Micalea Smeltzer

  My body instantly stiffens and I put the pan into a sink full of water.

  The door clicks shut and Jace walks quietly across the room to me.

  We stare at each other, the island separating us. I want to run to him, to crash into his arms, but I know more than likely he wouldn’t want that. He can probably barely stand to look at me.

  Jace eyes the food I’ve laid out, which is honestly enough for five people. I may have gone overboard with the amounts.

  The silence is unbearable so I decide to break it.

  “Confession, I can cook.”

  “I can see that.” He continues to stare at the food and not me.

  “Confession,” I say again, “I like it better when you cook. Your food’s better and you’re hot when you cook. Plus, I think it’s cute when you try to teach me.” I’m rambling at this point, diarrhea of the mouth, but I need to fill the silence with something even if I make myself look like a bigger idiot in the process.

  He sighs and scrubs his hands over his face. He looks as exhausted as I do.

  “You have a son,” he states.

  My chest pangs and I nod. “I do.”

  “Where?” he asks, looking around like I’ve hidden a kid behind the couch.

  I laugh but there’s no humor in the sound. “Adopted,” I say, wrapping my arms around my chest. It still kills me to say that word.

  Adopted.

  My son is adopted.

  He pulls out a stool at the island and drops onto it. “Tell me everything. I … I need to know.”

  “Did you read my letters?” I ask.

  He nods. “I did. They’re in my truck. Safe and sound, I promise. I wouldn’t destroy them if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t think you would. Here, eat something.”

  I split the food up and give him half. I’m not sure how much either of us can eat, but it helps to have something else to do.

  A minute passes and his soft green eyes meet mine. “Tell me. Please.”

  I sigh, leaning against the island. “I don’t know where to begin. Give me a minute,” I beg.

  When I moved to Colorado a year and a half ago, I blocked out everything that happened back home. It was easier to cope that way.

  “I met Owen when I was twelve and he was thirteen. We didn’t start dating until I was thirteen, almost fourteen. Our families were fairly close, his family attended my father’s church so we grew up together, and I was friends with Owen’s sister, who was a year younger than me. My parents weren’t thrilled when Owen and I started dating because I was so young and my dad was worried about the trouble I might get into, but Owen was a good kid, and he became like family.” I inhale a deep breath. “When I was fifteen I got pregnant. We were stupid, careless,” I mutter. “We’d had sex plenty of times and we got cocky, I guess, thought there was no way I’d end up pregnant. And then I did. When I saw that little plus sign it was like a death sentence. I knew my parents were going to kill me. Owen was just as freaked out. I mean, we were fifteen and sixteen. We were kids. What did we know about being parents?” I take a moment to gather myself. I’ve never told anyone this. Ever. “My parents were livid when we told them. I’ve seen my dad raging mad before, once when I was playing with neighbor and we broke a window, but I’d never experienced him being this mad. He was scary silent, like the calm before a storm, and my mom was beside herself, mumbling about the shame I’d brought upon our family. Owen, oh, God … Owen tried to remain so positive, telling them that he was going to take care of me and the baby, and my dad laughed at him. He told him he was crazy if he thought he could take care of a family at his age. At the time, I was outraged, because I believed Owen, but now that I’m older I know my dad was right. We were children ourselves.” I push the eggs around my plate with the fork. I know I should try to eat something, but I can’t. Telling Jace all of this makes me feel like throwing up. “We figured telling his parents couldn’t be worse than telling mine. We were wrong. His parents were far angrier than mine, especially his dad. He was in the early stages of campaigning for Governor and thought the scandal of his son’s teen pregnancy would cost him the election.”

  I startle when Jace takes my hand. My eyes meet his and he rubs his thumb across my knuckles. His touch makes me feel the tiniest bit stronger.

  “My parents were against me getting an abortion, which is what Owen’s dad wanted me to do. I didn’t want that, either. So, it was decided that we’d give the baby up for adoption.” I shake my head. “I didn’t want that, either. I wanted to keep the baby but my parents refused to help me financially and Owen’s family wanted the whole thing to disappear, and Owen himself … Well, I think his parents got to him and made him see how much a baby would change his life. How it would keep him from college and following in his father’s footsteps and so I was the only one who wanted my baby but I wasn’t strong enough to fight for him. I was young, and pregnant, and no one wanted to hire me, so I couldn’t make money on my own. It became obvious that the only option was to follow through with the adoption. Owen and I at least got to pick the adoptive parents, but our parents forced us to do a closed adoption, meaning once we gave him up we got no pictures or updates on him. He was just … gone. Some days it’s hard to believe he ever existed. I got to hold him for a solid five minutes after he came out of me before they took him away. I screamed. Oh, God, Jace, I screamed so loud. I begged with them to give me more time, but they said it would be easier this way. That the more time I spent with him the harder it would be to give him up. He was so cute and small.” I wipe at my tears. I don’t know when they started but my face is completely damp. “He had a brown hair like me and Owen’s thin lips and button nose. He was perfect.”

  “Is that why you call him Owen?”

  I sigh. “Yeah, I suppose so. He was Owen’s mini-me except for having my hair color. I think I started calling him Owen because it was easier than naming him something I would’ve picked. If I’d done that it would’ve been too easy to dwell on what could’ve been. By calling him Owen a lot of times I just pictured, well, Owen, in my head.”

  Jace squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry.”

  My lower lip quivers. “I miss him. I love him so much and he doesn’t even know who I am. It was a closed adoption, so he might not even know he’s adopted. He’s old enough to be calling his adoptive parents Mommy and Daddy and that breaks my heart. I’m his mommy and I don’t exist. I’m nothing to him.”

  I pull my hand from his and cover my face, sobbing for everything I’ve lost.

  Every moment and memory with my son that should’ve been mine.

  The first time he smiled.

  The first time he laughed.

  When he got his first tooth.

  When he walked.

  His first words.

  I’ve missed all of it.

  “Fuck, Nova. I’m so sorry.” I startle when his arms wrap around me. I wasn’t even aware of him getting up from the chair. I hiccup and hug him back, my tears dampening his jacket that he still hasn’t taken off.

  I cling to him like he’s a buoy in the ocean and the only thing holding me up.

  “I’m sorry too,” I croak. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t know how. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I ramble.

  His arms tighten around me, and I feel his lips brush against the top of my head.

  “I’m not mad, Nova,” he says. “Not anymore. But I am hurt. I’m hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me this.”

  I pull back slightly so I can look at him as I speak. “If there’s anyone I could tell, it’s you. I haven’t ever told anyone this. I had him and everyone returned to their normal lives like he never even existed. My parents never spoke about him and Owen and I broke up so my only tether to him became my letters. It was the only way I could remind myself that he was real and not a figment of my imagination.”

  Jace rubs my shoulders. “You were so young. You shouldn’t have
had to go through that virtually alone.”

  “It is what is. I’ve learned that life is rarely fair and you have to roll with the punches.”

  “I wish you would’ve had someone on your side.”

  I sigh and step out of his embrace, drying my eyes. “I do too, but I’m old enough now to realize that adoption was the best thing for him. I couldn’t provide for him at that age, and the family that adopted him were good, decent, people who wanted a kid. I know they’ve taken good care of him. I just wish I’d been a part of his life. An open adoption would’ve made this a lot easier on me, but Owen’s parents insisted that it was closed. They wanted to ship the baby off and tie the whole thing up in a neat bow.” I shrug. “I finished high school and applied to as many out of state schools as I could. So, I ended up here.”

  He hugs me again, pillowing his head on top of mine. “I’m thankful for whatever Divine intervention led you to here. To me.”

  I close my eyes, breathing in his musky scent. “I love you,” I murmur.

  “I love you, too.”

  My fingers tighten in the fabric of his jacket and I breathe out.

  Maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.

  Jace

  Nova’s story is heartbreakingly tragic. When I left last night, I was livid. First, because I thought she was writing love letters to her ex, then because I thought she was lying about having a son to cover herself. But the truth shone in her eyes.

  “He’s my son.”

  That confession rocked me more than any other one she’s ever told me and she didn’t even preface it with confession. But that’s exactly what it was.

  Nova releases me and steps back, her face splotchy from crying and making her freckles more vivid than normal.

  I clear my throat. “At the Thanksgiving party I took you to, you kept acting funny, and then you spoke with Owen … What did you guys talk about?”

  She grabs a paper towel and uses it to dry her face. “I was acting funny because I thought I might run into his father. He’d become Governor, and I knew he had plans to try to move up politically.” She makes a face. “I didn’t think Owen would be there.” She pulls in a lungful of air. “I hadn’t seen him since he graduated and went to college. We didn’t stay in touch, not even through social media.”

  “But you had a kid together.” I shake my head in disbelief. I can’t imagine having a kid with someone and never speaking to them again, even if the relationship is over I’d think a bond like that would last a lifetime and I’m a guy.

  She shrugs. “To be honest, I felt angry with him for not sticking up for me and our son. He was so unattached to it all, but he didn’t carry the baby inside him so I suppose that makes a difference.”

  “Still,” I mumble.

  “Anyway—” she waves a hand through the air “—that was the first time we’d seen each other in years. He wanted to tell me he was sorry, that what happened was and will always be his biggest regret.” She smirks slightly. “Then he asked me how serious it was with you.”

  “What’d you tell him?” I ask, curious of her answer.

  “I told him I was madly in love and I’d found the person that I was going to spend forever with.”

  “Not marry?” I joke.

  She shakes her head. “Marriage is overrated.”

  I place my hands on her hips and pull her body to me. “I wish I could make all of this right for you.”

  She sighs and wraps her arms around me, laying her head on my chest. “I do too. I want to see him more than anything.” She pulls back and looks up at me. “Where’d you go last night? I know you didn’t go to Rae and Cade’s because someone would’ve told me.”

  I laugh. “Joel’s.”

  Her eyes widen in shock. “You stayed in Joel’s dorm room?” I nod. “How’d you pull that off? How’d you even get his number?”

  I chuckle. “I got his number a while back. I wasn’t going to let you hang out with some douche that wanted to fuck you and not have his phone number so I can pester him every time you’re together.”

  Her mouth drops open. “That’s why he’s always glued to his phone when we hang out.” She smacks my arm but it barely hurts.

  “Yeah, so, I just texted him and asked if I could crash on his floor and he let me. End of story. It’s not that exciting.”

  She shakes her head and backs away, hopping up on the island. “I can’t believe this. You spent the night with Joel. Whoa.”

  “It sounds fucking dirty when you say it that way,” I mutter, picking up an orange and tossing it from hand to hand to have something to do.

  “Wow. I’m blow away right now. I need a moment to process this.”

  “Stop it.” I pinch her side and she giggles. “Oh.” I grin. “Ticklish, are we?”

  She holds up a warning finger. “Don’t you dare.”

  “Too late.”

  I tickle her mercilessly, her laughter filling the air.

  It’s a stark difference compared to what happened in here last night.

  My anger.

  Her tears.

  It was fucking awful. I’ve never had to deal with heartbreak before, and last night was only a taste of what it might feel like if I lost Nova. A life without Nova is unimaginable to me now.

  “Stop. Stop. Please stop,” she begs. I finally do, and I kiss her, because it’s been too long since I’ve felt her lips on mine. I know it hasn’t even been a day but it feels like forever.

  She moans, her body leaning into mine like she can’t help but get closer.

  I release her and press my forehead to hers.

  “Are we okay?” she asks.

  “We’re okay,” I say. “But you need to tell everyone. This isn’t the kind of secret you should keep from any of us. They need to know.”

  She sighs and nods. “Yeah, I’ll tell them. You’re right. They deserve to know.” She presses her lips together and kicks her feet back and forth nervously. “Are you sure you’re okay with this whole thing? When you left you were so angry.”

  I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I was caught off guard. I found those letters with our pictures, and I just went off. I was pissed, I’ll be honest. I thought you were writing to your ex and still in love with him and then I was hurt that you’d put our photos with letters to him.” I take a breath. “Then when you said he was your son. I didn’t know how to process that. It wasn’t at all what I was expecting.”

  She nods. “Understandable.”

  “There is one thing that’s bothering me.” I pause, gathering my thoughts, and finally ask, “Would you have ever told me if I hadn’t found those letters?”

  “Honestly?” She shrugs, looking down at her lap. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I would have. I haven’t talked about him out loud since he was born. When you go that long without saying anything it becomes kind of easy to brush it away. But I’d like to think I would’ve.”

  I nod. That’s answer enough for me.

  I hug her to me, breathing in her scent.

  It’s crazy that there’s a little boy out there somewhere in the world that’s half of the girl I love. If he’s anything like her then he has to be pretty amazing.

  And I’m going to do whatever it takes to find him.

  Nova

  “I think they’re broken,” I hiss at Jace.

  He bumps my shoulder. “I think you’re right.”

  Cade, Rae, Thea, Xander, and even Joel, stare at Jace and me.

  We called a family meeting—because we didn’t know what else to call it—at the house Cade and Rae share with Xander and Thea. I insisted that Joel come too because he’s become a really good friend and if I was telling the others then I figured I should tell Joel too.

  “Y-You have a kid?” Thea stutters, the first to speak. She absentmindedly pets her dog, Prue, who sits between her and Xander.

  I nod. “Yes. I have a son.”

  Now that I’ve finally admitted the truth I find myself sayin
g it more and more—even out loud to myself, simply because it feels so fucking good to finally admit it, like peeling your bra off after a long day.

  Probably a bad analogy.

  “How old is he?” Joel asks.

  “He’s four.”

  “Wow.” Joel shakes his head. “This is fucking insane.”

  Cade and Xander both sit with twin expressions of confusion like they can’t quite process what I’ve said.

  Rae is silent, and I think she’s still processing this news. Honestly, she’s probably hurt that she filled me in on her biggest secret while I didn’t confide in her about this.

  “Let me get this straight,” Cade starts, holding up two fingers. “One, you guys are dating—like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  “When you say it like that it makes it sound like we’re in kindergarten,” Jace grumbles under his breath to me.

  “Two,” Cade continues, ignoring Jace. “You have a kid.” He points at me.

  “That’d be a yes to both.” I nod, clasping my hands together. It feels awkward standing in front of the five of them while they sit on the couch and Jace is at my side. I feel sort of like Jace and I are about to perform or something. Maybe if we did some impromptu magic it would snap them out of their stupor. Then again it would probably make things weirder.

  “Pinch me,” Cade says to Rae.

  “What?” She looks at him like he’s crazy.

  “I’m having trouble believing this is real,” he tells her.

  “I’m not pinching you.” She shakes her head.

  “Fine,” he grumbles. “I’ll do it myself.”

  He pinches his arm, hard, and yelps. “Ouch that hurt. Yeah, this is real.”

  I shake my head. My friends are nuts but I love them.

  “I think I’ve been transported to an alternate universe,” Cade rambles, shoving his shaggy light-brown hair from his eyes. “One where Jace has a girlfriend and said girlfriend has a kid.”

  “Not an alternate universe,” I interject. “It’s very much real life.”

  “Where’s Ashton Kutcher?” Cade asks, looking around for cameras. “We’re being Punk’d, right?”