Looking for Julie

by Jackie Calhoun

  “I know.” The wind rattled the windowpanes, and the cold seeped through the glass. Sam picked up the backpack. It wasn’t nearly as heavy as it looked.

  “I packed some clothes and stuff. I thought maybe we could order a pizza and maybe I’d stay overnight. You know? Have a sleep-in, instead of having to walk back to the dorm.” Karen met Sam’s eyes and Sam glanced away.

  “Nita won’t like it,” she said, her heart racing to nowhere. “See, we’ve got this agreement about no one sleeping over. It’s because I didn’t want to stay here when Carmen slept here.”

  Karen’s eyes looked like smoke and a small smile played with her lips. “Rules are made to be broken.”

  “Come on,” she said, going straight to her bedroom. Karen followed and Sam quietly closed the door.

  “Let’s study in bed,” Karen said.

  Wordless, Sam looked at her. Karen’s nose and cheeks were red, her dark hair tousled. “Okay,” Sam said. “I’m going to use the bathroom. Be right back.”

  She looked at herself in the mirror while brushing her teeth. Her blue as the sky eyes looked back at her. Did she want to do this? Yes, she did. She peed and washed her hands and hurried back to the bedroom, where Karen was dressed in worn gray sweatpants and a too big T-shirt.

  “The towels are under the sink,” she said, and as soon as Karen went to the john, she changed into a T-shirt and flannel pants. She was in bed when Karen slipped back in the room.

  “Nita was coming out of the john when I went in. She doesn’t like me, does she?”

  “She doesn’t like me either,” Sam said. “She likes Carmen.”

  “Ah, Carmen with the single eyebrow.” Karen slid under the covers and took Sam’s hand, and again Sam could hardly breathe against the pounding in her chest.

  She slid further down and so did Karen.

  “This is perfect for kissing.” Karen smiled sweetly.

  They were facing each other. Sam inhaled shakily. She could smell toothpaste. “I brushed my teeth.”

  Karen laughed. “I did too, just for you.”

  Karen’s lips were still cold, and Sam was thinking they weren’t very good at this when the door opened. They jumped apart.

  “No overnight visitors. Remember?” Nita stood in the opening her thin shirt backlit so that Sam could see the dark nipples.

  “Carmen is here,” Sam said.

  “How about we change the rules when you and Sam both have someone over, so that we can all stay overnight?” Karen suggested.

  “No,” Nita said, “and you shouldn’t be in bed together.”

  “Why? It’s warm in here. You should try it,” Karen said.

  “Sam,” Nita’s voice was rising, “remember what we agreed to.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave when it’s dark,” Karen said. “I just thought you ought to know that I can see through that T-shirt and if I can see through it, everyone can.”

  Sam was as shocked as Nita looked just before she slammed the door shut behind her. She giggled nervously, then put the pillow over her head and howled till she felt like she was going to throw up.

  Karen lifted the pillow and grinned at her. “It wasn’t that funny.”

  “I know. She’s going to hate me.” She was completely sober now and worried again.

  “Hey, you have to live with her. I’ll go in a couple hours. Next weekend my roommate Lisa is going home. You can stay in my room.”

  “I have to work weekends,” Sam said as Karen snuggled closer.

  “You can go to work from my place. I’ll even walk you there.” Karen kissed her on the nose and cheeks and then on the mouth. Her tongue snaked into Sam’s mouth, and she pulled Sam against her. “I love the feel of you,” she whispered.

  Sam forgot about the test in her learning disabilities class on Monday.

  “We’ll study in a minute,” Karen promised, reminding her. Her hand covered Sam’s crotch and Sam felt an embarrassing gush of fluid. At first she thought she’d peed in her pants. “Hey, you are so wet.”

  Sam thought she was not ready for this, but Karen’s hand slipped inside her sweats and the panties underneath. Her breath caught when Karen’s fingers began stroking her.

  “Come on, touch me.” Karen’s whisper tickled her ear.

  She slid her hand into Karen’s sweats. Karen wore no panties. Once set into motion the force of desire was unstoppable. They were both moaning, unable to stop despite Sam’s worry that Nita might hear. The next moment, though, her entire attention focused in on Karen’s fingers, which were sending her into frantic motion. She was in the throes of ecstasy when suddenly she climaxed and could no longer bear Karen’s touch. Karen let out a startlingly loud shout and sort of collapsed on herself.

  They lay on their backs afterward, breathing heavily. Sam’s hand was drenched and she wiped it off on the sheets. Karen was the first to speak.

  “Awesome, huh?” She turned her head toward Sam, who felt suddenly shy.

  “Yeah.” It had eclipsed years of masturbating.

  “I know lots more ways to do it,” Karen said after a minute. “I’ll show you this weekend. Would you like that?”

  Sam felt a surge of excitement and worry. Had she somehow been deficient in her response? She supposed so, but she could learn. She glanced at her watch. It was only four. “Maybe we should study now. I have a test tomorrow.”

  Karen laughed. “Okay.” She laughed again.

  At six they got up. Karen pulled clothes over her clothes. They shared the two chairs at the table with Nita and Carmen, eating Chinese food out of cartons. Nita kept glancing at Sam with a look that Sam couldn’t decipher.

  When Karen and Carmen left, Nita said, “What would your mother say?”

  “About what?” Sam asked. They were standing in the living room near the door, and Sam’s eyes shifted away from Nita’s gaze.

  “I’m not deaf. You did it, didn’t you?”

  “Didn’t you?” Sam said.

  Chapter Six

  Exhausted, Edie fell on her bed. She’d driven off the edge of the Interstate several times and only the ridged pavement had snapped her awake. She’d slept maybe two hours in the past twenty-four. She turned off her cell and when she woke up, hungry, the day had become night.

  She listened to the messages—one from Jamie, one from Lynn, one from Pam and one from Claire. Her heart gave a painful blip when she saw Claire’s name. What could she want? To tell her that their romp in bed was a mistake, which Edie already knew? She phoned Lynn.

  “You’ll never guess who is at this conference,” Lynn said.

  “I don’t want to guess, Lynn. Anybody I know?”

  “Remember Jamie asking me if I knew Dr. Julie Decker?”

  She blanked for a moment before linking the name with Sam. “I thought Decker was a psychologist, not a professor.” What she remembered most was Sam’s obvious embarrassment.

  “Someone at UW-O went on sabbatical, can’t remember his name offhand, and she took his place. She’s an absolute knockout. I told her Sam was looking for her. She knew her as Sammy and said that she isn’t doing therapy right now, but she could recommend someone for Sam to see.”

  The “knockout” comment brought Claire to mind. Should she tell Lynn? Not yet, she decided. “I didn’t get the impression Sam wanted to see anyone else.”

  “I didn’t either. Julie gave me the name of another therapist at the clinic where she worked in Madison. One of us can pass that information on to Sam.” Lynn took a breath. “I’m home, you know. The conference is here. Look, I’m going out to eat with some of my colleagues. Can I come over afterward?”

  “How late?”

  “I’ll just slip into bed with you. I have to get up early, though. There’s a speaker I want to hear.”

  She remembered Claire, and then decided it was foolish to think that what had happened between them was anything serious or lasting.

  Lynn said, “How did it go with Jamie?”

  “I’ll tell you when
I see you. I just got out of bed. I was up most of the night.”

  “Doing what where?”

  She repeated, “I’ll tell you when I see you.”

  “Tell me now.”

  “It’s too complicated.” That would spark Lynn’s curiosity.

  She showered, thinking of Claire even as she washed her off. After, while rummaging through the fridge looking for something to eat, she called Jamie. He answered on the fifth ring.

  “You called?” she said.

  “I re-dyed my hair. They didn’t have any dishwater blond, so I became a real blonde.” There was so much noise in the background she could hardly hear him.

  “Where are you?”

  “At Chili Verde where Sam works. I’m looking for a job now that I’m so respectable looking. Got to go. Here comes the manager.”

  That left Pam and Claire to call. She chose Pam first but got her voice mail and thanked her again for giving her a place to sleep. She was holding the cell, trying to decide whether to call Claire, when the phone rang and Claire’s name appeared in the display.

  “Edie?” Claire said.

  “Hi, Claire.”

  “Um, I guess you got home all right.”

  “I did. Is everything all right?”

  “Are you alone?”

  “At the moment. Lynn is on her way over.”

  “Is she your lover?”

  She hesitated. “She’s my best friend. Did I leave something behind?” Why the call? Why the questioning?

  “No, it’s just that I’d like to go skiing next weekend and I thought maybe you’d go with me.”

  Her heart lurched and she said warily, “Is Pam going?”

  “I haven’t asked her.”

  “I could ask her. I have a message to call her.”

  Claire emitted a big sigh and said with a touch of asperity, “No. I’d like to go with you and no one else.”

  Edie got the drift. Quietly exultant, she said, “Okay. Do you want to meet at my house and we’ll drive together?”

  “Yes, or we could stay there. Don’t you have good places to cross country?”

  “And downhill, if you do that too.” How long had it been since someone made her feel so alive? Thirty years? She was cautious, though, not comfortable with putting her feelings out there for Claire to see.

  She realized that Lynn would discover them if they stayed here. Lynn had a key to the house and a garage door opener. Of course, Lynn would also wonder at the strange car in her garage if she went away. She wasn’t going to be able to keep this from her, but she could prevent Lynn from finding them in bed together.

  “Listen, it will be better if we go up north.” She refrained from asking why they were going at all. She could think of only one reason. Was it too egotistical to wonder if the woman had never experienced good sex? However, she realized that she didn’t care why Claire wanted to be alone with her for two days and two nights, or even why this was ridiculously exciting. Right now, she decided not to look too closely at what she and Claire were doing. They were adults, after all.

  “Tell me how to get to your house. I’ll take the afternoon off.” Claire’s voice was low and gravelly and it sent chills racing across Edie’s skin.

  She heard the garage door open, signaling Lynn’s arrival. “I’ll send them. Lynn’s at the door.”

  Claire said, “I’ve got company coming too.”

  “Well, if it’s Pam, say hello.” Lynn was calling her name.

  “It’s Janine.”

  She pictured Janine’s dusky skin, her sexy voice and beautiful body, and her joy soured a little. Was Janine a reluctant lover? Lynn, still in a business suit, was mouthing, “Hello.”

  “I’ll talk to you later.” She snapped the phone shut.

  “You’re going to have to lend me a nightshirt.” Lynn kept a toothbrush in a cup with Edie’s. She smiled and her dark eyes lit up. “You look beat.”

  “Do I? I slept when I got home. I haven’t eaten yet.”

  Lynn opened a bottle of cabernet that she’d brought with her. “My butt is sore from sitting.” She stood on her toes and kissed Edie on the cheek.

  “That’s because you don’t have any fat on your butt.” Edie broke eggs into a small frying pan and put bread in the toaster. “When in doubt, fix breakfast.”

  “How was Madison? You must have spent the night there.” Lynn was leaning against the wall next to the stove, sipping the wine. “Want a glass?”

  “Sure. I spent most of the night staring at the ceiling on Pam’s futon.”

  “Where did you run into her?” Lynn poured another glass and handed it to Edie.

  “I called her after I left Jamie and Sam. I’ll tell you the whole story in a minute.”

  She started talking when she sat down to eat. Lynn interrupted her once to ask if she’d met Frankie. She hadn’t and wondered why. She admitted that she’d taken Claire home before leaving Madison but said nothing about what had transpired at Claire’s duplex. She knew that Lynn would say Claire had used Edie to spite Janine, and Edie would have to admit that was probably true. Maybe Claire was telling Janine right now. Perhaps they were fighting or laughing about her and just possibly they’d end up in bed because of it. It made her a little sick thinking about it.

  “There’s a state meeting in Madison next weekend,” Lynn said. “Do you want to go with me?”

  She refocused. “I’ll be up north communing with the trees.”

  “Alone?” Lynn was looking at her as if guessing something was being withheld from her.

  Edie studied Lynn’s almond-shaped eyes, made small and dreamy by thick lenses. She sighed. “I’m going to hit the sheets. I’m tired.”

  “You aren’t going alone, are you?” Lynn said, mildly accusing.

  “Don’t I usually go alone?” she said defensively, cleaning up her dishes and heading for the bedroom.

  “You didn’t take long to find someone else.” Lynn hurried to keep up with her.

  “I haven’t found someone else,” she snapped, changing into a large T-shirt and getting under the covers. The flannel sheets and goose down blanket wrapped her in a cocoon.

  Lynn slid in next to her. It had been months since they’d had any sex, which had occasionally bothered her before she made love to Claire. “Tell me about Dr. Julie Decker.”

  “Blonde, gray eyes, great figure, smart, fun. Whoever got her is lucky. She left late this afternoon. Said something about a horse show tomorrow.”

  “I always wanted a horse. Maybe every girl does.”

  “I wanted a dog.”

  Edie started drifting into sleep, jerking awake when Lynn spoke. Finally, she said “Good night,” gave Lynn a kiss on the cheek and turned her back.

  The week went by slowly. Every moment she wasn’t preoccupied, she spent in anticipation of Friday. Claire and desire had become one. Why, she sometimes wondered, when Claire had proven to be lousy in bed?

  When Claire pulled into the driveway Friday a little after three, Edie felt a rush of excitement that both thrilled and appalled her. She watched as Claire got out of the Escape, her bright brown hair flying. She looked around and hurried toward the front door. Edie opened it before she touched the handle, and they looked at each other briefly before Claire stepped over the threshold and Edie closed the door behind her, shutting the cold out.

  “Where is the john?” Claire asked. She pushed her boots off in the small entryway and dropped her jacket on the carpet.

  Edie pointed the way. “Down the hall on the right.”

  When Claire came out, Edie asked if she’d like coffee or something to eat before they left.

  Claire smiled slowly. “You know what I’d like more than coffee?”

  Edie’s heart picked up speed as she asked, “What?”

  “I want you to do what you did last time we were going to have a cup of coffee.” Claire took her upper lip between her teeth, the smile gone.

  Heat rushed to Edie’s face. “It will give us a lat
e start.”

  Claire appeared not to notice the blush. Perhaps she too was trembling inside. “It’s only three fifteen.”

  She was glad that Lynn was already gone to Madison. “You’re right,” she said, switching gears.

  In the bedroom, she hardly knew where to start. “I’ll change the sheets.”

  Claire grabbed her arm as Edie pulled the comforter back. “I don’t care about the sheets.”

  She looked at Claire’s hand on her arm and Claire let go. Her heart was thudding in her ears, and she felt big and clumsy as she had that morning at Claire’s before she realized what Claire wanted from her. She had thought they’d have a few hours to work up to this point. She lifted her gaze and saw Claire’s face expectantly turned upward.

  She bent to kiss her, gently, and Claire’s tongue snaked into her mouth. Startled, Edie found the hem of Claire’s sweater and pulled it over her head, breaking the kiss. She then tried to smooth the golden brown strands, which seemed alive with the same electricity that flared between the two women.

  Edie kissed Claire’s eyes and the lashes that curled on her cheeks. She bent further to nibble at her neck. When she unhooked her bra, releasing the small, firm breasts, Claire’s pale nipples hardened under her gaze. Edie tasted them as she unzipped Claire’s jeans and pushed them and her panties down to her ankles. She sat on the bed and turned Claire so that she was facing her, standing between her legs. Claire lifted one foot and the other, like an obedient child stepping out of her clothes.

  Edie buried her face between Claire’s breasts, breathing her scent. Her hands moved over Claire’s body, feeling the smooth skin, the taut muscles, the curves of breasts and hips and buttocks. Her fingers slid between Claire’s legs, testing. She stood up in one movement and laid Claire flat on the mattress.

  For a moment, she gazed at Claire’s body, wondering if she should take off her own clothes. Their texture would be rough on Claire’s body, she decided, and quickly undressed. Carefully she placed her body over Claire’s so that their skin touched, but she was so much taller that they did not connect at the right places. Her breasts were below Claire’s, her ribs over Claire’s belly.