Fannie Flagg
Page 23
Dena started back upstairs. “He’s nice, but I’m beginning to think he’s a little crazy or something.”
Norma shot back into the kitchen and said to Macky, who was having a cup of coffee, “See, what did I tell you. Baby Girl thinks he’s a crazy person, too. I told you but you never believe me.” She looked at the flowers as she reached under the counter for a container. “But they are pretty roses, I don’t care what you say.”
“I haven’t said a word, Norma.”
Gerry was about twenty miles outside of Elmwood Springs and still a little nervous and shaky when, going ten miles over the speed limit, he passed a Missouri highway trooper. The trooper slugged down the last of his coffee and took the last bite of his maple doughnut, turned on his siren, and started after the offending vehicle. Gerry heard the siren, looked in his rearview mirror, and his heart stopped. There was not another car for miles around. For a split second, he wondered if he should try and make a run for it, but he was a good citizen so he just groaned and pulled over.
The trooper, a big man, got out, coughed, and walked slowly over to the car. “Good morning,” he said pleasantly.
As soon as the trooper looked in, he wondered what in the world he had stopped out here on Interstate 34. Gerry tried to sound normal. “Good morning. What’s the problem, Officer?”
“Could I see your registration and driver’s license, please, sir.”
“It’s a rented car. I rented it this morning in Kansas City, and my license is in the backseat in my jacket. Can I get it?”
The trooper was taking no chances. “How about stepping out of the car for me, please, sir.”
Gerry got out and opened the back door and took his license out of his wallet and handed it to the trooper, who read it and said, as calmly as possible under the circumstances, considering his white male perp had on pantaloons and shoes that curled up on the ends with bells on them, looking as if he had just fallen off a parade float somewhere: “Wait right here for me while I run a check on your license.”
Gerry stood by the car praying that nobody would drive by, but of course they did and all the cars and one truck slowed down while the drivers stared. A few minutes later the trooper came back. “Well, you don’t seem to be much of a criminal, other than speeding on the interstate a few minutes ago.” He handed Gerry his license.
“Thank you. Could I please get back in the car?”
“Sure. Go ahead.”
Gerry’s shoes jingled when he got back in.
The trooper said, “We don’t get too many men wearing pink tights out here in Jefferson County, so I’d like to know if there is some reason you’re wearing that rig or is that just how you guys in New York dress?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, I’m in no hurry. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gerry said, “Look, are you married?”
“Yep. Nobody escapes that out here. I got caught and hog-tied just like the rest of them. Why?”
“Then you know today’s Valentine’s Day.”
The trooper looked at him, waiting. “Yeah?”
“I’m sure you must do something special for your wife. You know, to surprise her.”
“She gets a card out of me every year but that’s about all the fuss I make. If I was to show up dressed in that, she’d think I was two bricks short of a load for sure.”
“I just flew down here to surprise my … well … the one I hope will be my girlfriend.”
The trooper nodded. “Yeah. I should have figured right off there was some female involved. You’re a thirty-five-year-old man and she’s got you dressed up like a circus show dog, son.”
Gerry had no defense. “Well, what can I say?”
“That’s quite an outfit. Where did you come by that?”
“I rented it.”
“Huh. I wonder what she thinks.”
“Well, I can be pretty safe in assuming that right now she thinks I’m pretty silly.”
“I’d have to agree with her there, buddy. What if she hadn’t been at home? That would have been a waste. Why didn’t you plan to stay awhile?”
“It’s a long story,” said Gerry.
“Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m trying not to pressure her.”
“Uh-huh.”
“She is not sure about how she feels about me.”
“I see. And what do you think your chances are? Fifty percent, twenty-five percent?”
“I’d say maybe twenty-five percent.”
The trooper pointed to the hat on the seat by the mandolin.
“Is that the hat that goes with it?”
“Yes.”
“Mind if I have a look?”
Gerry handed it to him. “No. Here.”
The trooper examined it carefully. “Is this a velvet of some kind?”
“I guess so. Or maybe a kind of velveteen?”
“What kind of feather do you reckon this is?”
“I have no idea, but I think it’s some sort of plume.”
The trooper was intrigued. “A plume. Well, I’ll be dogged.” He handed it back. “What was it that made you decide to dress up in … that getup?”
“I don’t know. Thought it might be romantic or something. You know women like to be romanced.”
“I wouldn’t know. My wife told me when we were getting married: there wasn’t no romance to it. Did you wear that outfit on the plane?”
“No, I stopped at a gas station and changed.” Gerry was losing his patience. “Look, is all this really necessary? Can’t you just give me a ticket and let me go? Or put me in jail or whatever it is you are going to do.”
“Now, calm down, fella. I ain’t gonna give you a ticket.” He laughed. “I’ll tell you one thing. You wouldn’t stand a chance if I was to throw you in jail; dressed like that you might get a hell of a lot more romance than you bargained for. They get pretty lonely in there and you’d probably look cute as hell to some of them, dressed up in them pink tights. No, I was just curious. How long have you been chasing after this female of yours?”
Gerry was relieved he was not getting a ticket, but his nerves were shot by this time. “A year or so. Or more. Do you mind if I smoke?”
“No, go right ahead.”
Gerry offered the officer a cigarette.
“No, thanks. I quit them things. Now, here’s the deal. As I understand it, all right? You flew in from New York City, drove all the way here, stopped and put on that rig, just to sing one song to a woman who may or may not be interested. That right?”
“More or less, yes.”
“You say you rented it. Where?”
“In New York at a theatrical costume shop.”
“Are you some kind of actor?”
“No. I’m a … well, no, I’m not an actor.”
“What’s it supposed to be?”
“It’s a … troubadour outfit. You know, it comes with a doublet and pantaloons. It goes way back in history.”
The trooper said, “Like Robin Hood times?”
“No, earlier. Fifteenth century, I think. Or at least that’s what they said.”
The trooper looked at the mandolin on the seat. “You a musician? Can you play that thing?”
“No, not really. I just learned one song.”
“Oh, yeah? Which one?”
“It’s an old English madrigal. Do you know what a madrigal is?”
“Sure, I know what a madrigal is. What’s it called?”
“You’ve probably never heard of it.”
“Try me.”
Gerry mumbled, “ ‘Thou Art My Fair Lady Love.’ ”
“Give me that again?”
“ ‘Thou Art My Fair Lady Love,’ ” he said a bit louder.
“Nope. Don’t know that one. Was she surprised?”
“I’m sure she was.”
“What did she say?”
“She didn’t say anything. I just gave her the roses, sang the song, and left.”
“Uh-huh. And now you are going to drive back to Kansas City, get on a plane, and fly home. All in one day.”
“Yes.”
“How much is this trip gonna set you back?”
“I don’t know exactly.”
“Give me a ballpark figure.”
“Well, I guess with the plane, the car rental, flowers … renting the costume … and the mandolin … maybe five or six hundred dollars, give or take.”
“Whoa. Do you have a picture?”
“A picture?”
“Yeah. I want to see a picture of this female of yours.”
“No, not with me. I do at home.”
“Is she a blonde, a redhead, or what?”
“A blonde.”
“Oh, well, there you go. They’ll do it every time.”
“She’s a beautiful girl but that’s not all there is to it. She’s extremely intelligent and bright. She’s not a dumb blonde by any means if that’s what you think.”
The trooper shook his head. “You are in love, ain’t you, buddy? You’re not such a bad-looking guy. What’s her objection?”
“Well, for one thing,” Gerry said, “she thinks I’m sort of dull.”
“Dull? You may be a lot of things, fella, but dull ain’t one of them.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“If it was me, I’d look around for somebody who knew for sure they liked me, date some other gals, play the field.”
“I tried that. It didn’t work. No, unfortunately, she’s the one. I don’t know if I’m the one for her, you know? So all I can do is wait.”
“Yeah, I see your point.”
The trooper put his hands on his belt and looked down the road. “Well … I’m glad it ain’t me. I’m set in the female department. Have been ever since Edna decided I was her intended victim.”
Gerry said hopefully, “Can I go?”
“Wait a minute.” He took out his pad and started writing.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to give me a ticket.”
The trooper, without looking up, replied, “I ain’t. But you got me curious on how this thing is gonna turn out.” He handed Gerry a card. “This is my home address. How about dropping me a line and letting me know what happens. OK?”
Gerry took it and read:
Trooper Ralph Childress
Route 173
Arden, Missouri
“All right.”
“Go on now, but watch that speed limit, you hear?”
Trooper Childress stood and watched as the man drove away. He thought: I sure would have loved to have taken him in; the boys would never have believed it. He got back in his patrol car and jotted down his report. February 14, 8:36 A.M. Detained white male. Lovesick fifteenth-century troubadour in pink tights, pantaloons, and doublet. He wondered how to spell doublet, crossed it out, and added, Hat with plume and shoes that curled up on the end with tiny bells. First offense. Let off with warning.
The Rescue
Elmwood Springs, Missouri
February 19, 1976
It was early Thursday morning and Dena had been in Elmwood Springs almost a week. This was the first time Norma had let her come downstairs to eat breakfast. When she saw Dena she said, “Good morning—you look a hundred percent better. Come on in and sit down. I’ll get you some coffee but you have to promise me you’ll use a lot of cream.”
“Promise.”
Norma was happy. “I am so glad to finally see some color back in those cheeks. I will never forget how you looked when we came in that hospital room. I thought for a moment you might be dead.”
“I know.” Dena laughed. “I remember.”
“That was the only reason I screamed like that. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I said to Dr. DeBakey, she’s always been fair, she got that from her daddy—your daddy was fair—but she’s as white as a sheet, so don’t tell me she’s in good condition. What would you like, pancakes, waffles, or French toast? Or I can make all three if you want, you just tell me. I’m making Macky pancakes but you can have whatever your little heart desires. After all, this is your get-up-out-of-bed breakfast.”
“I’ll take pancakes too.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, that would be great. Where is Macky?”
“He’s out in the yard fly-fishing.”
“Do you have a lake or pond or something?”
“No, he’s just out there practicing, and I warn you, as soon as you even look like you might be feeling better he’s gonna start pestering you to go fishing with him. So he can show you his so-called skills. But you don’t have to go, just remember that. If you don’t feel like it, you just say so. First thing this morning he says, ‘Don’t you think a little bit of fishing might help Baby Girl start to feel better?’ And I said, ‘Macky, now don’t start jerking at her to go off down to that river and stand around in water all day.’ I said, ‘You just want an excuse to show her your fishing lures,’ so if he asks you if you want to see his collection, say no, thank you, unless you want to be bored to death for five hours. Uh-oh, here he is.”
Macky was coming in the back door happy to see her. “Well, hey, look who’s up.”
“I’ve never slept so much in my entire life.”
“Well, you needed it, Baby Girl,” Macky said. “You were just worn out. Maybe, if you’re up to it, Saturday we can take a run out to the river.”
“Macky, will you let her eat her pancakes. She does not want to go. Do you?”
Dena was caught. “Oh, I wouldn’t mind. It’s just that I don’t know anything about fishing.”
Macky’s face lit up. “It doesn’t matter. I can give you a few pointers. When you feel like it, come on down to the store and we can pick out a few things.”
“Macky—she does not want to spend five hours looking at fishing lures. Do you?”
They both looked at Dena.
“Well …”
“Of course she doesn’t, Macky.”
Macky said, “Norma, let the girl answer for herself.”
Dena said, “No, I don’t mind. That sounds interesting.”
“Come on down this afternoon if you feel like it.”
“She can’t come this afternoon.”
“Why not?”
“Because I promised Aunt Elner to bring her over for a visit.”
Norma looked at Dena. “You don’t mind, do you, Baby Girl?”
That afternoon Dena found herself on Aunt Elner’s porch. When Aunt Elner handed Dena and Norma their glasses of iced tea, Norma looked at the tea, an unusual shade of brown, dark at the top and lighter at the bottom. “What kind of tea is this?”
“It’s instant but it’s all I had. I used my last tea bag this morning. I’m sorry ’cause I don’t care what they say, instant is nowhere as good as the real thing.”
“Don’t worry about it, Aunt Elner,” Norma said. “This is just fine, really.”
“No telling what it’s gonna taste like. I’ve had that jar for a couple of years, or maybe five, but I don’t guess it will poison us.” She laughed. “And if it does, all three of us will go together. How are you doing, honey? Are you getting a chance to rest up?”
“Oh, yes.”
Norma took a sip of tea and tried not to make a face. She caught Dena’s eye when Aunt Elner wasn’t looking and gestured not to drink hers.
“Nobody’s been bothering you while you’re here, have they?”
Dena put her glass down. “No, they really haven’t.”
“And they better not, that’s all I can say, or they will have Mr. Macky Warren to answer to. But I tell you, Aunt Elner, you have never seen people act so silly in your entire life. Now I know why those poor movie stars live behind gates. If I’ve had one phone call I had a hundred, wanting Dena to do this or to do that … give a speech at some club, wanting to interview her for the paper or take her picture. If this is what you have to put up with every day, I don’t know how you stand it. No wonder you are ti
red; people pulling at me like that would give me the screaming meemies. Even Mary Grace called all the way from St. Louis, wanting her to come up to the phone company and give a talk.”
“You remember Mary Grace, don’t you, Baby Girl?” Aunt Elner said.
“No, I don’t think I ever met her.”
Aunt Elner seemed surprised. “Well, you should have, she’s your cousin.”
“No, honey,” Norma said. “Baby Girl’s not any kin to Mary Grace. Mary Grace is from Uncle Will’s side of the family.”
“Oh, that’s right. I guess there was no reason to meet her.”
Dena took the opportunity to ask a question. “Ah … are you my aunt, too? How are we related? I’m a little confused.”
Norma answered, “Your grandmother, Gerta Nordstrom, was Aunt Elner’s sister, so that makes her your great-aunt. Her other sister, Zela, was my mother, so that makes her my aunt … so you and I are second cousins on your father’s side.”
“What is Macky, then,” Aunt Elner wondered. “My nephew?”
“No, honey, he is not related to you by blood. He is your—I guess he’s your nephew by marriage. Here, this will make it easier for you, Baby Girl: your daddy, Gene, was my first cousin, so you must be my second cousin, and Macky is your second cousin by marriage. That’s right, isn’t it? Or maybe you’re my third cousin. Isn’t that right, Aunt Elner?”
“Oh, Lord, honey, I don’t know anymore.”
“Well, Gene’s mother was my Aunt Gerta so … Wait a minute. Aunt Elner, you must be my great-aunt.”
Aunt Elner said, “Who’s Mary Grace, then?”
“She is your niece on your husband’s side.”
“Oh, that’s right. I can’t even think about little Mary Grace without remembering that meal we had up in St. Louis. How old would little Mary Grace be now, Norma?”
“About sixty-seven.”
At this point Dena was wondering how fast she could get out of there and back to New York.
“That meal was something, wasn’t it, Norma?”
“Oh, yes. A fine Italian restaurant. Gitto’s.”
“I’ll never forget it. Tell Baby Girl what all we had.”