A Life Less Lonely

by Jill Barry

  No, he didn’t. Andrea realised with a pang dismaying in its intensity, he was spelling out his intention never to make another mistake like that one. But what was she thinking about? That meant good news for her, didn’t it? They could each draw a line under the conference and everything that went with it. Of course Keir Harrison was every hostess’ dream – unattached eye candy. It was the stuff of Jane Austen. It was manna for a society where people changed partners and where, even with so many women competing in the workplace and achieving success in their own right, that magical state of coupledom still beckoned like a traditional end of the rainbow image. Everyone wanted to believe in the happy ever after even if they knew it didn’t always happen.

  She realised Keir was watching her, his expression tender, loving, even. Her longing to be touched by him, kissed by him, held by him, was overwhelming to her, disturbing her beyond belief. This just had to be a rebound thing – after Greg’s death she’d been hit by shock. Anger followed numbness and grief - anger at the sheer waste of a life she’d built. While realising the futility of doing so, she’d fretted and fumed over her widowed state and about Josh’s loss. She kept the tears mainly to herself, grinding her way through the days and weeks and months until, now having a break from domestic responsibilities, she’d behaved like someone let loose from a nunnery. Love should not and could not be brought into the equation.

  “Andrea,” said Keir. “Please. I didn’t mean what I think you imagine I mean. I’m sorry that came out wrong. I didn’t mean to sound bitter and twisted. What happened between us wasn’t just a one-night stand. Not as far as I’m concerned, anyway.” He reached for her hand and wrapped both his around it. “I don’t care if anyone’s watching.”

  She felt him squeeze her fingers. “I want you to know you’ve become a very important part of my life,” he said.

  She gazed at the tiny screen monitoring the aircraft’s steady progress eastwards. Reality was creeping closer and closer and she needed to stop him before he said too much. “Please, Keir, could we just step back to where we were? Colleagues and friends, like we agreed, remember?” She neglected to remind him that would be like they agreed after their first sizzling kiss in the Hartnett lecture hall.

  He removed his hands as if she’d scalded them. “Are you going to tell me you regret what happened in Montreal?”

  She bit her lip, still focusing on the tiny blip denoting their aircraft travelling through the skies but not seeing it.

  “Look at me, Andrea,” he said. “Look at me and tell me what happened was all about lust.”

  “Well, what else could it have been?” She steeled herself to turn her head and look at him. The pain she felt when she read the anguish in his eyes was too much to bear.

  “Keir, I can’t handle an affair. I have … you know precisely what demands I have on my time. There’s no place in my life for intimate suppers and nights in hotels and all that stuff. Surely you must see that?”

  “Do you not credit me with any common sense?” His calm tone contradicted the white knuckles betraying how hard his fists were clenched. “I want to help you,” he said. “How does that fit with your idea of a passionate affair?”

  He didn’t wait for an answer.

  “Do you have any idea how fantastic it was, watching you taking those photographs, talking to those animals, giggling at those jokey frog things in the gift shop? I’ve seen the fun side of Andrea Palmer and I want to help her hang on to it when she’s back on home territory again. Don’t use your work and your family as a barrier to shut me out, please. I care about you more than you’d ever know. I’ve never been more certain of anything, ever before in my life.” Emotion tore holes in his voice.

  She couldn’t stand the lure of his revelations anymore. “Excuse me,” Andrea rose abruptly and moved towards the washroom. She needed time to compose herself. If the tears had their wicked way and she let him comfort her, the resolve to manage her own life would surely crumble. She needed to stay strong. He needed to remember just what a difficult road she followed. Having to hide the pain of knowing she’d rejected him completely challenged her self-control. Her only hope was to tell herself he suffered from hurt pride rather than a broken heart.

  When she slipped back into her seat, Keir sat staring at the cloudscape. She’d insisted they take turns to sit beside the window. Neither of them spoke until cabin service broke the awkward silence with drinks and food doubtless delicious but the memory of which faded faster than Cinderella’s sequins at midnight.

  After their attentive stewardess cleared everything away, Keir placed his hand on Andrea’s arm. “I shan’t pester you but I beg you to reconsider this decision of yours. I can’t force you to let me into your life. All I want to say is that our parents fade away and our children grow up and leave the nest. That’s the scheme of things. Please don’t throw away this chance of happiness without giving it serious thought. Please believe me when I tell you I’ve never felt like this before. Whatever demons pursue you, I’ve got patience enough to help banish them.”

  ***

  The late night car journey down the M4 then on to Hartnett via Keir’s imaginative but quiet route was accomplished with the help of the radio, driver and passenger each eagerly grabbing at the chance to lose themselves in someone else’s lives, someone else’s dilemmas and decisions.

  “I hope you don’t suffer too much from jet lag,” Parked at her gate, Keir hauled her luggage from his boot.

  She followed him as he carried her case up the pathway and waited for her to unlock the front door. He deposited the case inside her porch as if it weighed grams not kilos.

  “Thank you,” she said. “Thanks for everything. It’s been great.”

  They stood, looking at one another until he stooped and picked up a small pile of mail from the doormat, handing it over with a quizzical look.

  “You already know how much I’ve valued your professionalism over the course of the conference. I imagine you don’t want me to remind you of anything else.”

  She looked down at a gaudy flyer for a local take-away food outlet. She could throw her mail back on the floor, put her arms around this man and feel him pull her close. He could stay the night. Kirsty didn’t expect her until the following morning. It would be so, so easy. But that could not, must not be an option. Such an easy fix could only lead to heartbreak and that was something to be avoided at all costs. Hadn’t they both had enough of that to last a lifetime?

  “Can I offer you something to drink?” She forced brightness into her voice.

  His jaw tightened, the little lines showing his struggle to keep his self-control, his eyes betraying his hurt.

  “No thanks,” he said. “I’ll let you get on. I hope Josh enjoys his gifts.”

  Keir’s long legs took him down the path and through the gate in moments. Andrea, hurting inside, almost called out to him but he got back behind the wheel without a backward glance. Well, what did she expect? Changing her mind would only bring another set of problems, despite what he’d said.

  She closed the door, locked it and attached the safety chain, only to lean against the wooden panels, allowing the tears she’d held off for most of the day to overwhelm her. She sank down on her knees and tried to rock herself to soothe the ache she felt in her chest. She sat there for hours. Wondering. Wishing. Regretting.

  ***

  Next morning at breakfast time, Andrea pulled into Kirsty and Rafa’s driveway. Almost immediately, the front door opened and Kirsty was hugging her friend hardly before she was out of the car.

  “Hello, you.” Kirsty stood back and frowned. “Andrea, what is it?”

  “Oh dear, that bad is it? I’m obviously showing my jet lag.” Andrea hugged her arms around herself. “I haven’t had an amazing amount of sleep since I saw you last.” Horrified, she wondered if Kirsty would pick up the real reason why she hadn’t.

  “Hope it was all worth it,” said Kirsty.

  “It was quite an experience,’ said
Andrea.

  “I suppose you can always go to bed when Josh does tonight. Catch up a bit.”

  They walked through the open front door and Kirsty closed it behind them. “Come into the kitchen. The guys are outside and there’s a treasure hunt going on but it seems complicated to me.” She pulled a face. “Must be a man thing,” she said, putting on a deep voice.

  Andrea laughed. “How’s it been? I know you kept me posted but I imagine there might’ve been a few blips.” She followed Kirsty through the hallway.

  “Bedtime the first evening was a bit iffy. Josh kept asking where you’d be sleeping then how long it would take for you to get back if he needed you. There were a few tears, possibly because I mentioned Canada. I guess it dawned on him that he couldn’t just have you back in a twinkling. Rafa was great though. He totally changed the mood – brought in a beautiful book of stories he’d bought without saying anything and tucked both boys either side of him while he read aloud.” Kirsty reached inside the fridge and took out a jug. “I must admit I stayed to listen too.” She pulled out a tray of ice cubes.

  “That doesn’t surprise me,” said Andrea. “Your husband could make an instruction manual sound like poetry with a voice like he has. It must be something to do with his accent.”

  “I know. Anyway, both boys were mesmerised. When the story ended, Rafa lifted Luis into his own bed then we tucked them both in. I don’t think either of those two little guys were far off the land of nod.”

  “And the rest of the time?”

  “Sweetie, it was fine. An occasional little spat but that’s what happens between siblings. And our two boys are rather like brothers, don’t you think?”

  “They’re really good mates, probably more so than some brothers are!”

  “I hope,” said Kirsty, “after the babe arrives and we’ve got over the first few crazy weeks, Josh will come and stay again.”

  “Kirsty, you can do without the extra work. I wouldn’t dream of imposing on you.”

  “Rafa will be due paternity leave. And I’d like Josh to be part of it all. I hope he’ll be another big brother for the baby.”

  Andrea turned away to hide the tears she felt welling up.

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Kirsty put her arm round her friend’s shoulders. “You’re so brave. You must be exhausted after the last few days, standing up in front of all those people, missing Josh and thinking about your mum as well, knowing you. You need to let go sometimes. It’s less trouble when Josh is here, believe me. They play so well together. He’s a calming influence on Luis.”

  Andrea fumbled for a tissue. “I wish I didn’t keep doing this. It was the thought of my son growing up without a dad or a sibling, I suppose. We’re lucky to have all of you in our lives.”

  “You’re being human, is all. Now, go and bathe your eyes while I get a tray ready to take outside. We’ll pretend the chocolate cake’s homemade like the lemonade and we’ll sit under the big umbrella.”

  “If you’d found time to bake a gooey cake as well as make lemonade I’d hate you for ever more! I’ll collect my goody bag from the car before I show my face though.”

  “Sure you won’t stay over?”

  “Certain, thanks. I think it’s best if I get Josh back to our routine. I’m sure he’d love to stay another night but I should take him round to visit Mum and Lizzie.” She smiled ruefully. “I probably do need to get to bed early. You and I’ve been known to sit up till the small hours once or twice…”

  “I doubt you’d achieve that the way I am these days. I’m not often vertical after nine o’clock. We’ll have a girly evening some other time. Fix for you both to come for the weekend like we planned before the conference came up?”

  “I’d like that. You’re the only person I feel I can bore with personal stuff.”

  Andrea missed the enquiring look her friend shot her as she headed for the front door. She longed to confide in Kirsty but the huge step forward she’d taken with Keir followed by her decision to keep him at arm’s length had etched a scar already that wanted to be hidden, private. Some things were just too sensitive to discuss with anyone, let alone one’s very best friend.

  ***

  Keir faced a barrage of emails and phone messages as he settled behind his desk on Monday morning.

  Lyn appeared. “You look absolutely drained, Keir. What did they do to you over there?”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Lyn. They were brilliant over there. I … I just take a while to readjust to time differences these days.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Getting older I suppose.”

  “I doubt that. But I gather the conference took off according to the comments I read online yesterday. I’ve emailed you the hashtag so you can look at Twitter.”

  “Beyond the course of duty,” he teased. “You know I hate that kind of stuff. I do try to keep up but it’s great of you to remind me. I’m sure you’ve better things to do with your time.”

  “I manage. Multi-tasking, you know?”

  “I don’t,” he said. “Nor do I want to. I like things to happen in an orderly manner.” He ignored the fact that somehow he ran out of clean shirts now and then.

  Lyn pointed to the folder in front of him. “That’s a rundown of what’s been happening in your absence but there’s nothing desperate - a few requests to give talks, of course.”

  He picked up a pen and rolled it between his fingers. “I really need to speak to the trial team once I’ve dictated my notes from the conference. Could you contact Andrea?” The corners of his mouth drooped for a moment. “I mean, Dr Palmer please? See if you can fix an hour or so for us to debrief everyone? Try and make it before or after the next clinic session, if possible. If you email the team, please tell them it’s not vital they attend. It’s just keeping them in the loop as regards the mood of the conference, feedback we received and so on.”

  “Brilliant idea,” said Lyn. “Otherwise, it’s business as usual?”

  But Keir, already reading his messages, hardly noticed his PA leaving. He took a sip of his coffee and realised it was as high-octane as she’d warned. Good. He needed all the help he could get, whether from his PA or from his old friend caffeine, just to face the day. Face the bleakness of the future, because that’s how it seemed at that point. All he wanted to do was jump in his car and drive round to the university. He fantasised about bursting into Andrea’s office and taking her in his arms. He longed to nestle his face in her hair, breathing in her perfume and holding her close, assuring her he’d never, ever, let her go again.

  Those days in Montreal seemed unreal now. His confidence, his pride and his belief in what he’d strived to achieve - how come it seemed so shallow? He’d missed out on happiness big time by messing up his marriage. Now, having found someone with whom he believed he could forge a relationship, find joy even, it seemed still denied to him. What had propelled Andrea into his arms? He couldn’t believe it had just been about sex. The connection between them wasn’t something that switched on and off. She knew that as well as he did, of that he was certain.

  Of course she still needed to mourn her late husband. He respected that. He’d no intention of trying to compete with a ghost. No way would he even try to replace Greg in the lives of Andrea and her son. But he wanted her to move on … move on with him. And he longed to meet her little boy. Josh was a part of his mother and a living reminder of a man Keir felt sure he’d have enjoyed getting to know. He had the weirdest of feelings about this, almost able to imagine the late Major Greg Palmer saluting him in approval. But how the heck could he tell Andrea that? It seemed like soap opera material to him, even though he hadn’t watched one of the things in years.

  Keir leaned back in his chair, feeling an immense weariness wash over him. He was being blocked out. He’d have to say something to Andrea when they next met. He’d have to find some way of being alone with her. Maybe, if he could actually put his arms around her and hold her, it would hit home that
the two of them belonged together. That this was something much deeper than a tumble on a king size luxury hotel bed. What they had went far deeper than any casual sex Keir had ever experienced, not that the list could by any means be called extensive.

  Andrea had reawakened something in him he’d never thought to feel again and he wasn’t willing to abandon it without a fight. Dr Palmer had better realise that. Maybe she missed those little but vital romantic touches that helped weave a foundation for happiness. He knew that much - just hadn’t had the wits to put it into practice very often. Well, he’d see about that. No longer did he have to fight for recognition and reward. He’d never become complacent but he knew he could afford to take his foot off the pedal occasionally. The trial still required a lot of his attention but he mustn’t let this chance of true happiness pass him by, for both their sakes. The mission began now.

  He buzzed for Lyn.

  “You’re still awake, then?”

  He grinned and addressed the intercom. “You bet. When you get a moment, could you let me have the number of that florist opposite the hospital, please?”

  He leaned back in his chair and stretched both arms in the air. He wouldn’t rush Andrea. But he’d show her how much he cared. How much she was in his thoughts. He’d been a tad abrupt with her since she dropped that bombshell on the flight back. Probably he’d come across as morose. He mustn’t be selfish and expect her to react just as he wanted her to. Who could analyse a woman’s emotions? Maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to convince her how his feelings for her went far deeper than those associated with being a colleague and friend. How he hoped Andrea would come to realise they had something pretty good going for them.

  Suddenly he remembered the meeting he’d had with Rhonda Pierce in the park near the St George Hotel. He felt for his inside jacket pocket and took out her business card, holding it between finger and thumb. He’d no wish to leave his position at Hartnett General. But what if Andrea firmly refused to contemplate giving their relationship a proper chance? What then?