All the Pretty Girls

by Riley Edwards

  He avoided the base he lived on. Even after I begged him to take me there and show me around, he refused. I never met a single one of the guys in his unit either. When I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he told me he didn’t have time for that shit and changed the subject. I was sad there was now so much distance between us. I wanted things to go back to the way they had been when we were in high school.

  He asked me a thousand questions about UCLA and what I was studying. He was proud when I told him I had maintained a 3.5 GPA both freshman and sophomore years. I was not a strong student and had pretty much struggled through high school. How did I get into UCLA then? Money. Daddy bought my way in. It never ceased to amaze me what people can buy. You want your average C-student daughter to go to UCLA? No problem. Write a check with a shit ton of zeros for research and an acceptance letter comes in the mail.

  My lying, womanizing father always said, “It pays to be rich.” I believe the saying actually went “It pays to be a winner”, but when you’re a rich, egotistical ass, you could say whatever you wanted and people would go along with it.

  I spent four wonderful days with Shane.

  On the last day, he took me to the Army Infantry Museum and wowed me with all the exhibits. It was so beautiful and humbling there. As I sat in a room full of glass tiles bearing the names of all the Medal of Honor recipients on them, it made me sad to think that for most people the names on the wall were just that - names. A flash on the news or a passing article in the newspaper. Most of us don’t think about the sacrifices made by the men and women who served and died for this country. That day, I felt those names deep in my soul. It was a special time that I will carry with me forever.

  Shane told me that some days when he needed to think he visited the parade grounds of Soldier Field where he graduated basic. He said it was his favorite place in Georgia. He didn’t feel lonely when he was there. He explained how the field was made up of sacred soil taken from all major battlefields his brothers and sisters in arms had fought on. It truly was a beautiful place full of rich history and meaning. I asked him if he felt lonely often and if he regretted his decision to join. He grunted a well-practiced answer about serving his country and never addressed the loneliness part.

  Sitting on the grass that afternoon was a wake-up call, or more like a slap in the face actually. I felt my best friend slip away. Shane was not the same person he had been when he left California. Even though he sat only inches from me, I missed my friend. I wanted to scream and cry at the injustice of it. Now, I truly had no one.

  When we left the parade grounds, it was like a switch had flipped and he barely spoke to me after that. Short one-word answers and it seemed the excitement of my visit had worn off. I was devastated. By the time the sun was setting, his mood had become even more dark and distant. I tried everything I could think of to get him to open up to me, but he completely shut down. I had watched him do this with his parents, but he’d never closed me out before.

  I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me. I pleaded with him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong but he refused. That night when we went back to the hotel, instead of ordering room service and watching movies like we’d done every night, he wordlessly grabbed his already packed bag off the bed, threw the strap over his shoulder, and headed toward the door.

  I thought we had one more night together before I left the next morning.

  But, I didn’t.

  He stood in front of the door in silence for long moments before he turned and pulled me into him. One minute, I was in his arms kissing him for the very first time, the next he tore me to shreds. I hadn’t even recovered from the shock of the kiss we had shared before he told me his news.

  He was leaving the next day, too. I was going home to California, and he was leaving on deployment. That was it. No details, no location, no I’ll write you. A simple “I’m leaving.”

  With his hand on the door, he turned to face me, and there was nothing I could do to hide the tears rolling down my cheeks.

  I’ll never forget his last words to me as long as I live. We don’t say goodbye in the Army, only “I’ll see ya’ later.” I love you. You’ll forever be my best friend. I’ll see you later, Lily.

  I was stunned into silence. My heart was screaming at me to stop him, talk to him, yell at him. But, my brain wouldn’t engage. I was so stupid. And then he was gone. And I didn’t even say it back. Something I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I never told him that I had always loved him, too.

  Thinking back, that’s when the lie started. Without Shane around, I had no one. I was surrounded by fake people only pretending to like me. I had no choice but to slip into the role my father demanded I play. That was another lie. I had a choice, I could’ve done what Shane had done and said fuck it all and ran away. Only, I wasn’t as strong as him. Especially without him by my side telling me I could be brave.

  I tried to fight it at first. But once Shane was gone forever, I gave up. I became exactly what Shane and I had always despised - a fake rich bitch who took her daddy’s money. It was pathetic really. If Shane were here, he’d hate who I’d become.

  “I miss you, Shane. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and continued to trace over the smooth letters of his name.

  He died two months into his deployment. And in those two months, I wrote countless letters. I poured my heart and soul onto the paper. But the letters remained unsent. They sat in my desk, a constant reminder that Shane was lost to me.

  “I wish you were still here. I need you so bad right now. Dad is pushing me to marry Lucas. The prenup has been drawn up. Everyone seems to be happy with it. But I don’t love him.

  “Remember when we were kids and we told each other what type of person we were going to marry? I don’t think executive producer was on my list. I don’t want this, Shane. I don’t want to marry a man because it’s good for business. I want someone to love me, the real me. The me I was when I was with you.”

  I looked around the cemetery and sighed. Damn, I missed Shane. It was a beautiful Southern California day. On a day like today, Shane and I would’ve taken a drive up the coast to get out of the busy city. No doubt we would’ve ended up in Monterey, we always did. We both loved to sit on the pier and watch the seals.

  Someone setting flowers on a headstone pulled me from my memory, reminding me I wasn’t getting ready for a scenic coastal drive with Shane, I’d never have that again. This was all I had left of him - a sad cemetery plot I visited once a year on the anniversary of his death. There were a few people milling about visiting their loved ones. A man sat on a bench not too far from where I was sitting on the grass talking to Shane. His ball cap was pulled low, and his face was buried in his hands obstructing his features. Poor guy looked distraught. I would bet that’s what I looked like the first few years I came here. When I was still too afraid to sit on the ground and touch Shane’s gravestone.

  “You know, I might’ve mentioned this before, but I really hate your dad. I still cannot believe he had you buried in your family’s plot instead of the National Cemetery. It really burns my ass he refused all military honors at your funeral. What a piece of shit. You deserved that. I miss you so much, but I am damn proud of you. I am proud of your service and your sacrifice.”

  I pulled in a deep breath. “I love you, Shane, forever. I’ll see ya later.”

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