by Lisa Loomis
She was looking at the dress opening, not at me. I held her shoulder as I stepped into my wedding gown then put my arms into the sleeves, pulling it up. I adjusted the bodice.
“I’m not putting this on for a practice run,” I teased.
Her face softened and she smiled at me.
“I found myself holding my breath. The longer you two were in there, the more I saw myself walking down the aisle to tell Ryan you had run off with another man.”
“Gayle!” I said sharply.
“Gayle what? I’ve seen you do things, when it comes to Mathew, that I never thought you would do,” she said, adjusting the dress on my shoulders.
I wanted to laugh. Yes, there had been many things she’d witnessed over the years. I pictured the two of us in the tree house smoking, when she’d asked me if I wanted to kiss Mathew.
“Quit talking and get me zipped up,” I said.
Gayle finally put on my headpiece. When she finished, she backed away, and we both looked at each other in the mirror.
“I’m getting married today,” I said proudly, running my hands down my sides and smoothing down the dress. “To Ryan, the man I love.”
“Damn good thing,” she said smiling at me.
My mom and dad and Pat came to take pictures in the room once I was dressed. I was getting anxious. I wanted to see Ryan. Mathew had brought a lot of old memories flooding back, and it tore me up that his heart was hurting. I needed Ryan to chase those memories away.
“It’s time. You girls head down with Morgan’s dad,” Gayle instructed as she picked up my train, shooing my other bridesmaids out the door. “Ready?”
She looked funny with my dress all bunched up in her arms.
“I am so ready,” I said excitedly, slipping on my shoes.
Gayle smiled at me as we headed out the door.
“You got it?” I asked as she struggled down the hall behind me with my train.
“Got your back, girl.”
“You’ve always had my back. And about what I said regarding Mathew being my best friend, you’re still number one in that category.
“I was worried,” she teased.
The ceremony was being held outside, and when we got to the tunnel that led us out to the aisle, Gayle put my train down, spreading it out perfectly. She gave me a quick hug and then went to the front of the bridesmaid line. I smiled because she was so not a dress girl, and I had made her wear a dress and heels—red no less.
The music started and, as planned, my bridesmaids walked down the aisle. I watched as I stood in the entrance alone with my dad, and then I scanned the guests. Our eyes met, he took me in, and I knew by his look what he thought. Mathew, oh, Mathew. I could feel the tear run down my face. I wiped it away quickly. It’s over. I am over you at last. He smiled and I smiled back. Breathe, girl, breathe I said to myself trying to calm my excitement in getting to Ryan. “Someone Like You” by Van Morrison started which was my cue. I hesitated. My dad could sense my nervousness. He squeezed my hand.
“Let’s go, pretty girl,” he said.
I kissed his cheek. From the time I was little he’d said that, and I didn’t always believe him, but I did today. I firmly took his arm.
“Take me to Ryan,” I said, looking down the aisle to where Ryan stood waiting by the fountain.
As my dad walked me down the aisle, I couldn’t see anyone but Ryan. When I stopped and took his arm he smiled and I saw the sparkle in his eyes. I could feel my love for him well up inside me, higher and higher, and then bubble over like the fountain, spilling down around us. When the minister asked if anyone objected to this marriage, I felt a tug at my heart. Mathew, please don’t I thought. It never came. From the I do’s to the reception was a blur, and I didn’t remember seeing Mathew again until we were dancing.
“You’re a beautiful bride,” he said.
“What bride isn’t, Mathew?”
He held me tight, held me like he had at Melanie’s wedding. Who was that girl who had forever been in love with you? He smelled like Mathew, and yet I wasn’t even tempted. Ryan had in fact taken my whole heart. I didn’t regret a moment, the bumpy path had taken me to Ryan and that’s all the mattered.
“I never thought I would lose you forever,” he said.
I didn’t answer him. My head rested on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me.
“I never thought this far,” he continued.
I kissed his neck.
“Mathew, there is so much that happened, so much history, good and bad. Let’s just cherish that.”
He guided me around the dance floor. I saw Ryan talking and smiling with some of our guests, on the edge of the dance floor, and then Mathew turned us.
“Maybe if it happened differently between us, I don’t know. We couldn’t have guessed the outcome. The questions are endless as to why,” I said.
“Stop talking,” he said softly. "I understand."
“There are lots of girls, Mathew,” I said reassuring. “You’re still a chick magnet. Pick a single girl in this room; you can have her. I’m sure you still know how to work it.”
The song ended.
“There’s only one girl I would want tonight, and she just got married,” he said, holding me tight to him.
Chapter 50
It took me months to stop thinking about our exchange and to stop feeling hurt for Mathew. I’d seen the loss in his eyes. I couldn’t blame that on what we can’t have we want reasoning. It didn’t fit. I wished the best for him. Gayle and I’d talked about Mathew’s arrival at the wedding. She’d been truly fearful that I would leave Ryan at the altar. Reflecting back over the years, I could understand why.
“Did it enter your mind at all?” she asked me over the phone, not long after the wedding.
“No, Ryan cured me.”
“How?” she asked.
“Gayle, you said something to me a long time ago that finally made sense to me. You told me Mathew was like a drug to me. He was. That last summer we spent time together, I opened my eyes to potential problems with us. He was coming off vulnerable after the accident and jail and he needed me, but I could see where his old ways could return. I was shocked when he asked to try, but at that stage of our relationship, I didn’t want to try anymore. I needed more.”
“I had a little dance around my kitchen when you told me you weren’t moving back,” she chuckled.
“I’m sure you did. And you know when Mathew let it die so fast, I was sure I had made the right choice. I guess I wanted the Cinderella story, even though I hate it; I wanted love, real love. Ryan came into my life on even ground. I was in a better place: more sure of who I was, not young and impressionable. It started as a good friendship and developed into a great love.”
“Ryan compliments you, it’s not two crazies together it’s just one and him.”
“Yes,” I laughed. “I never thought Ryan and I would date, let alone end up married. It was slow and progressive and developed naturally, equally. We fell in love together.”
“You got yourself a great guy,” she said.
She’d been around Ryan several times, had actually joined us in San Francisco that day way back when.
“Ryan is even-tempered, and he keeps me grounded, brings out the good Morgan. I don’t ever feel frantic for him like I did for Mathew. I know he will always be there.”
It had been almost five years since Gayle and I’d had that conversation.
“Ryan,” I called happily. “Mathew’s getting married.”
I was standing at our kitchen counter opening the mail and there was his wedding invitation. It was Sunday morning, and Tommy and Sam (short for Samantha) were playing around the corner with Ryan on the living room carpet. I could hear their little giggles and squeals. I pictured Mathew the day of our wedding, the sadness in his eyes. I was thrilled he’d found someone he felt strong enough to marry; thrilled he had it in him to fall in love.
Ryan and I’d had three delightful years before we had our fir
st baby, Tommy. We’d traveled and romanced and just plain enjoyed each other. I’d never felt happier and more satisfied with any man, not even Mathew. There was a lot to be said for two people who loved each other and were each other’s best friend. We planned Tommy and got pregnant the first month we tried, much to my amazement. Samantha followed thirteen months later, which wasn’t exactly planned, but welcomed.
“It’s about time,” Ryan said, laughing at something the kids were doing.
I walked to the doorway that went into the dining room and peeked at the three of them on the floor. Ryan was lying on his back pushing Sam, who was just a baby, into the air as Tommy ran around him giggling. He was such a good dad, and had been so thoughtful with me through both pregnancies. The love welled up and pooled in my stomach watching them.
“Really? You were the same age when you married me, thirty-four. Maybe it takes you guys that long to figure out what it is you really want.”
Hearing my voice closer he rolled his head to look at me. His eyes twinkled.
“Maybe we finally get worn down and give in,” he teased.
Tommy ran to me and wrapped himself around my legs in a hug. I reached down and rumpled his hair as I looked back at the invitation: Roxanne Strong. What was she like? Mathew and I had spoken, but not seen each other since my wedding. Any conversation we’d had was very friendly and basic. No discussion of the past or of feelings. I understood that for him it was necessary. I hadn’t even known he was seriously dating a Roxanne Strong.
“I assume we will be going to this wedding?” Ryan asked.
“Yes, this one is important.”
There had been many in San Jose to whom I had sent a gift with our regrets, either with travel too expensive or timing not working. I remembered his phone call the day he’d got my invitation. In a way I wanted to call him and do the same thing, but mine would be a joke. I saw him in my mind, so handsome it had made my eyes water, in the bathroom holding my hands, twisting my engagement ring. I wondered if he looked the same. I wondered if he took Roxanne Strong’s breath away like he had mine.
The wedding was in Carmel, and we took the opportunity for our own mini-vacation with a room at the Marriott in Monterey. Gayle willingly came with us to take care of the babies, staying with them in an adjoining room. I’d put on a simple black dress that had a soft plunge in the front and a deeper plunge in the back. She was sitting on the toilet as a chair in the bathroom feeding Sam a bottle, and watching me put on makeup.
“Think he’ll notice?” Gayle asked.
I was applying mascara, my mouth open, concentrating. I glanced at her in the mirror.
“Ryan, yeah, he’ll like it,” I answered.
“No, Mathew.”
I stopped and turned, looking at her.
“Why would you ask that, Gayle? Wanting to stir up a little trouble?”
“No, just remembering the chemistry between you two. Will it be awkward?”
Sam pulled away from the bottle and fussed.
“Burp her.”
Gayle put Sam over her shoulder and patted her back. Sam let out a huge burp, which was typical of her, and we both chuckled.
“I don’t think so. I’m glad he’s finally found someone. We have an interesting past is all, but then Ryan and I have an interesting past too. It’s been over for a long time,” I said.
Sam had laid her head down on Gayle’s shoulder and was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. The TV was going in our room, with some cartoon Tommy and Ryan were watching. I went back to my makeup.
“I worry about liking her. It sounds silly I know, but I really want to like her, to think they are a good fit.”
“Morgan, do you ever regret the decision you made in San Jose?” she asked. “Not moving, not trying with him. I mean you told me no years ago, but now it’s real life: two babies, laundry, you know.”
I looked at her in the mirror and could see Sam was asleep.
“She’s asleep, you can put her in the crib.”
Gayle got up and went through the door to her room and then came back and resumed her seat.
“She’s such an easy baby, both yours are. So answer my question.”
“There were times I did regret the no, before Ryan. In the years before I met Ryan, there were numerous times I almost called Mathew and said yeah let’s give it a shot. But I didn’t know where he was in his life; I also wasn’t sure I wanted to open my heart to him again.”
I finished my makeup and turned around to face her as I put my earrings in.
“I’d made a decision, and my reasons were valid, even if my heart said otherwise. When I fell in love with Ryan, I understood love could be so much bigger, mutual, and respectful. There is a trust that is so important, that I never had with Mathew.”
She searched my eyes.
“If Mathew did love me, Gayle, he never said it. He was ‘comfortable’ with me; he even said so, or he wanted to try. Whatever that looked like, trying me on for size, like a shoe. I was like the niffy horse at the races; when he got scared or was alone, I could calm him down, make him feel ‘comfortable’. I didn’t want to be just comfortable, to anyone.”
“That’s a weird analogy,” she said. “A niffy horse.”
I could see her processing it, trying to envision horses going to the gate at a race.
“He told me on my wedding day that I was wrong.”
“Wrong about what? The horse thing?”
She got a confused look on her face and I laughed.
“No, wrong that he didn’t love me. He did, I’m sure in his Mathewish way. I still wonder sometimes what those feelings really felt like to him. Through all the on/off I went through with him, Morgan grew up. Shocking to you as it was. I realized we weren’t meant to be, there wasn’t enough for me,” I answered.
“Morgan,” Ryan called. “We best get going.”
“And, yeah, he’ll notice,” I said, smiling at her.
The church was starting to fill up when we got there.
“Groom, I suspect?” It was Bobby.
“Best man, I suspect.”
I threw my arms around his neck, giving him a hug before I introduced Ryan to him.
“Nice to finally meet you, Ryan,” Bobby said. “And I’m so glad you guys could make it.”
The day was stellar, bright sun, no clouds, no wind, but since we were on the coast not to hot either. I took Ryan’s hand in mine.
“Are you kidding me? Couldn’t miss it.”
Bobby glanced from me to Ryan and back again. I’m sure he was curious as to what Ryan knew.
“We’ll talk later, now get us a seat,” I said.
Bobby took my arm and led us down the aisle, seating us behind the family. Ann turned around and smiled. When Mathew stepped into view, it overwhelmed me. He looked so handsome in his tux, so grown-up, a man not a boy. I thought about how many times I had looked into that face. I thought about how he used to kiss me and then pushed it down. I glanced at Ryan and he smiled at me.
When we stood to “Here Comes the Bride”, I watched as a beautiful blonde came down the aisle: Roxanne. I glanced briefly at Mathew, who was focused on her, smiling from ear to ear. A veil covered her face, but I could tell she was petite with blonde wavy hair that fell below her shoulders. Yeah, I could see Mathew with her. The ceremony was short, and we were off to the reception at Carmel Highlands, while they stayed for pictures. I was thinking about Mathew, picturing the days at Rio del Mar when we were kids, as we drove.
“Did it make you sad?” Ryan asked startling me.
“No, why would it make me sad?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “You haven’t said a word since we left the church.”
I reached over and patted his leg.
“Just thinking,” I said carelessly. “I gave up on sad with Mathew the day I married you.”
“Glad to hear that,” he said. “You look marvelous by the way.”
“Well thank you Ryan Walker, so do you. Rig
ht about the you’re-in-trouble-later mark,” I said giving him a sexy smile.
Ryan laughed. I was pleased Gayle had the babies in her room tonight.
“Madam,” the valet said opening my door.
I took his hand and exited, walking up to the bottom of the stone stairs. I waited for Ryan to get the valet ticket. We admired the country club as we worked our way down to the banquet room, which opened to a beautiful outdoor area with multi-level decks that looked into the forest. The trees were lush and green and dense, the sun barely filtering through in places.
“Beautiful,” Ryan said, draping his arm around my shoulders.
We got ourselves a drink at the outdoor bar and admired the view as we mingled with many of the old group. A lot of them had been to our wedding so they had met Ryan. The sun was warm and I suddenly got a whiff of jasmine, which sent me careening back in time. I pictured Mathew watching me in Jack’s backyard, the sprinkler going in the background. I glanced at Ryan and he bent to kiss me.
“Worried about the babies?” he asked.
“No, not really. I know Gayle is totally capable.”
When I heard Mathew and Roxanne had arrived, I took Ryan’s hand.
“Come on,” I said, excited to see them and to meet Roxanne.
Walking towards them, Mathew caught sight of me. He smiled, holding my gaze. I was surprised, and then not so, when he gave me the head-to-toe checkout. I laughed really hard inside, to myself. Good god, Mathew, some things would never change. When we reached them, Mathew put out his hand to Ryan shaking his hand and then gave me a hug.
“Morgan,” he said and held me longer than normal.
He rocked me slightly as Roxanne waited. I looked into her face; she was beautiful, with a very warm smile. I could feel the sting in my nose. Mathew pulled away and yet held my hand.
“Roxanne, this is Morgan,” he introduced us smiling.
“Nice to meet you,” she said with a bit of a southern drawl. “Mathew has talked about you so much.”
“And Ryan, her husband,” Mathew said dropping my hand and patting Ryan on the back.
“Congratulations,” Ryan said leaning in to give Roxanne a quick hug.
