by Lisa Loomis
Well, that went well I thought. I looked at Mathew. Knowing him, he wouldn’t tell her too much. I knew he wanted her to be okay with me. We talked a few more minutes before they were pulled away by someone else for congratulations. I watched as he greeted the next guests, working the crowd, something he always was able to do well.
Chapter 51
“Let’s get a table,” Ryan suggested pulling me to him. “I thought he might not let you go.”
“Oh, don’t be silly,” I said slapping him good-humoredly.
“It’s always nice to see men admire you, when I know you’re mine.”
“Damn right,” I said.
It was a sit-down dinner, and Ryan and I socialized with the people at our table while it was served. Ryan pulled out pictures of the kids. He was so obviously proud and the butterflies took flight inside me, swooping and swerving. The first dance came, and after that, Mathew sang a song to Roxanne. I flashed back to his playing for me over the years. We’re just two lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl year after year. And then I could hear “Best of my Love”.
“Let’s dance,” Ryan suggested.
We made our way to the dance floor and danced several songs, most of them fast, one slow. I wondered if Mathew had ever finished the song he started about me. I would catch glimpses of Mathew and then Mathew and Roxanne. I was happy for them, but my mind couldn’t help jumping back in time. Ryan seemed content to let me dance with other friends; he even got some of the older ladies out whose husbands refused to dance. I was enjoying myself. Leaving the dance floor after a dance with Bobby, someone grasped my hand. I turned around smiling, thinking it was Ryan.
“My turn,” Mathew said, pulling me to him.
It was a slow dance, and he led me around the dance floor.
“I’m happy for you. She seems like a wonderful girl,” I said.
“She is, you’ll like her,” he grinned. “Ryan working out okay?”
I stared into his blue eyes.
“He’s great. I can’t believe it’s been five years already and two babies.”
“I wish I could see them, I love babies,” he said. “You like being a mom?”
I saw him sitting on the grass at Vasona Park, the day he asked me if I wanted kids. I didn’t know he loved babies; we’d only touched on it that one time.
“I do. It’s hard work, but it’s all good. Ryan’s a great dad and lots of help.”
He looked into my eyes searching and what I saw sent a tingle down my spine. Just a hint of the old Mathew, the one who could send me. I glanced quickly at his lips, then back to his eyes, and realized I’d maybe had too much wine. He grinned.
“You look great, Morgan. If I wasn’t married—” he stopped and we both laughed.
When the song stopped the band went right into a fast song. Mathew took my hand, walking us out onto the deck as the sun was starting to set. Bobby followed, joining us. The three of us caught up and laughed about old times. I envisioned us by the bonfire on the beach, “come” he’d yelled. As much as I loved Ryan I was still feeling the memories, Mathew had been such a big part of my life.
“Can I get anyone another,” Bobby asked, holding up his empty glass.
“Sure. Chardonnay,” I answered. “I’ll finish this by the time you get back.”
“I’m okay,” Mathew said.
Bobby left, headed for the bar. We stood alone, suddenly seemingly out of words. I glanced over at him, searching for something to break the silence when he spoke. He was looking out towards the view taking in the beauty of the sunset. I felt like he wanted to say something.
“Morgan, you told me the day you got married that I never loved you. I said you were wrong, but I didn’t say how wrong.”
I watched his jaw tighten slightly as I waited for him to finish. He put his hands on the railing and leaned forward and then stood up again.
“I think I always loved you,” he said, turning toward me, staring into my eyes. “I just thought there was more.”
I blinked hard and looked away from him, staring out at the sun sinking in the sky. I felt my heart rise up into my throat. I took a sip of my wine, hoping it would push it back down. I thought carefully about his words.
“Why?” I asked softly.
“Because I thought you should know.”
He understood my question. Why now? Why tell me now? I pictured him on the beach, us on the beach. I saw him leaning against the wall in the airport, smiling. I pictured us at the park by the elementary school. I could see us at Jack’s, saw us at the Hyatt. It was like a fast rewind in my head. Love had never been mentioned. Why had he never said it? “Did it make you sad?” Ryan had asked. This made me sad. I swallowed hard again and hoped my voice wouldn’t give away my emotion.
“Mathew, I hope you found it,” I said, motioning with my head toward Roxanne.
She was getting her picture taken on a lower deck, looking beautiful in her white dress, her blonde hair falling about her shoulders. The light was behind her, creating a halo around her. The beading on her dress caught the light from the setting sun and reflected a rainbow of pinks.
“I truly mean it,” I said, putting my arm around his waist and giving him a hug. “I hope you’re finished with searching for more.”
I looked back into his eyes. He smiled a little sadly.
“It’s why I didn’t come to San Jose when you wanted to try; why I couldn’t come. I love too hard. Someone giving me their whole heart was a requirement,” I said.
Ryan walked up and looked out at the sunset.
“Am I interrupting anything?” he asked, noting we were talking very quietly.
I had to smile. There was not a jealous bone in his body until it came to Mathew. It was my same feelings about his first love.
“Not at all,” Mathew said.
Ryan watched as Mathew put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him for a hug.
“Morgan and I were admiring the sunset and my new bride.”
Ryan glanced down at Roxanne on the lower deck.
“Both are beautiful,” Ryan said.
“I appreciate you guys coming. How are the kids?” Mathew switched gears and dropped his arm.
“Good. They’re with Gayle at the hotel,” I answered.
Ryan was leaning on the railing looking at the commotion below.
“How is Gayle?” Mathew asked winking at me, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“She’s doing really well.”
“Still angry at men?” he teased.
“Stop,” I laughed.
Ryan turned back to look at Mathew.
“You know she’s gay, right?” Ryan asked.
“Exactly what I mean,” Mathew said, joking.
Ryan and he laughed.
“Matt,” Roxanne called from below.
I looked down, and she was motioning for him to come.
“Be right there,” he said and headed for the stairs.
We watched him walk down to Roxanne. He took her in his arms and kissed her passionately. The photographer started placing them for more photos.
“She’s pretty, but not as pretty as you,” Ryan said, leaning into me, wrapping his arm around me.
“You’re biased,” I teased. “Good response however.”
Mathew’s words ran around inside my head: “I think I always loved you. I just thought there was more.” More. More girls is what he’d meant; the part that scared me. He did understand me better than I thought. He was admitting to something that I had known.
When we said goodbye to Mathew and Roxanne, we promised to stay in touch. Later at the hotel, I slipped into the room Gayle was sharing with the kids to kiss them.
“How was it?” she asked sleepily.
“The wedding was beautiful. They were beautiful, very classy,” I whispered.
“And Mathew?”
I sat down on the edge of her bed.
“It was great to see him. He still looks good enough to eat, in a tux no less, wo
w,” I said.
She yawned.
“He asked if you were still angry with men.”
“Did you tell him, just him,” she said calmly.
“Ryan reminded him that you prefer women.”
“You know I’m not mad at him. I hope he knows that,” she said quietly.
“You just called him on his shit, unlike me.”
I paused. Tommy made a little whimper in his sleep and we both look at the bed where he slept. He was still, his sweet face raised up on the pillow, his lips moving just slightly.
“So cute,” Gayle whispered.
I was dying to tell her. I couldn’t tell Ryan, at least not tonight.
“Mathew told me he did love me.”
“Loved you?” Gayle asked sitting upright in the bed, glaring at me in the dark.
I could hear the disbelief in her voice. Similar to my own reaction.
“He did not?” she whispered, leaning toward me.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “He did.”
I could see his eyes, saw his seriousness, felt his touch.
“What’s the point of that?” she asked.
“He said he wanted me to know. I suppose he was trying to be kind. I never thought he did; maybe he wanted to clear that doubt for me once and for all.”
“How did it make you feel?” she asked as she lay back down in the bed.
“Ah,” I said, rubbing the corner of my eyes. “Sad.”
I couldn’t back down my feelings as tears welled in my eyes. I was glad it was dark, but when I spoke again, my voice cracked. Gayle sat up again and looked closely into my face.
“Then I have to remind myself that if things had gone differently, I wouldn’t have this,” I said, sweeping my arm across the room. “I wouldn’t have Ryan and the kids.”
Ryan came into the room and I took a deep breath. He sat on the bed next to me and rubbed my back. Gayle reached for me hugging me to her, drying my eyes with her shoulder. It was dark, and he couldn’t see the hint of tears.
“You girls are going to wake the kids,” he whispered.
“We’re whispering,” I said.
“Come on, Morgan, you two can chat more in the light of day,” he said as he took my hand, pulling me up.
I smiled at her weakly from the doorway.
“Night, Gayle,” I said as he led me into our room.
When I curled into Ryan after we’d made love I felt at peace with the world, Mathew and I had ended up exactly where we were supposed to be.
Chapter 52
Ryan and I stayed in San Diego until Tommy was getting close to starting school. We were busy with our lives, so we didn’t get back to San Jose. Ryan wanted to raise our kids some place smaller that had seasons, so shortly after Mathew and Roxanne’s wedding, we moved back to Park City, Utah.
Roxanne O’Conner and I grew to be friends over the phone. In trying to keep in touch with Mathew, she and I would talk. I usually initiated the call. I was pretty sure she didn’t know about Mathew's and my prior relationship, and that was good. Mathew was protecting us both. They tried to have children and couldn’t, and it was hard on both of them. At his wedding he’d told me that he loved babies.
About eight years into it, I could tell some of his old behavior had surfaced. He was out late with the boys a lot. The band was playing together again. She was concerned about his drinking. She suspected the drugs were back. I think Roxanne felt safe with me because she knew how long Mathew and I had been friends. She knew I understood his history. She still picked her words carefully, though; she didn’t want to betray her husband. I could read between the lines, however. The more was no doubt back too; it all seemed to go hand-in-hand. They separated and then reconciled, then separated again. It was close to their ten-year anniversary when Mathew called me. I hadn’t talked to him or Roxanne in quite awhile.
“We’re getting divorced,” Mathew said.
“No, I thought you guys had worked it out,” I said, distressed.
“We tried,” he said sadly.
I could tell he’d been drinking. I was sitting in our home office at the computer alone; I’d been doing paperwork.
“I’m sorry, Mathew.”
“Me too,” he said. “Come visit me, Morgan.”
“You know I can’t.”
“I could get us a room at the Hyatt,” he continued.
“Mathew, I can’t. Really, I won’t.”
“You still love him, don’t you?” he asked.
“I do Mathew, Ryan means everything to me. In fact I probably love him more now than on our wedding day, he’s a great husband and father,” I said.
When we hung up, I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes. I hadn’t seen him since his wedding, yet I could still picture him that day: how handsome and happy he was. It shocked me to realize that if I were single or unhappy in my marriage, I would have been on the first flight to San Jose.
“Who was that?” Ryan asked, walking into the room.
“It was Mathew,” I said, looking up. “He’s getting divorced.”
Ryan walked over and bent down to kiss me. His eyes still had the sparkle. He wore his curly blonde hair short now and he’d taken to wearing a cowboy hat. I thought he was sexy as hell.
“That’s too bad. How long were they married?”
“Almost ten years,” I answered.
“Seems like, after that long, they would make it,” he said. “I think he kept your heart longer than that.”
He sat down at his desk, which was a mess, piles of paper everywhere.
“Would that be jealousy, or just stupidity?” I asked.
“A little of both. Did he tell you why?” Ryan asked.
“He didn’t specifically. He said there were a number of things, many of which. I didn’t dig. I could tell he didn’t want me to. Maybe it would be too hard to explain. Mathew keeps things to himself.”
I thought about Roxanne and wondered what happened, how she felt. I had no doubt she loved him. I wondered if it was drugs, alcohol, girls, or a combination of all of the above. Did she walk down my same road of discovery, finally coming to the same conclusion? That loving him came at too high a cost. It hurt my heart to think he was alone again.
Mathew didn’t reach out to me after that phone call. He didn’t return my calls when I left messages on his home machine. After a while there wasn’t even a machine that answered. We emailed now and then, very sporadically, and he would tell me everything was fine. Any communication was brief, very brief. His lack of interaction made me question how well things really were. It had been three years since his divorce. It was a Friday, and I was sitting at my desk at my office. I answered my direct phone line when it rang. My calls usually went through my receptionist, only a few people had my direct line.
“Morgan, it's Gayle.”
“Hey, what are you doing, calling me at work?” I asked, excited to hear her voice.
Gayle hardly called at all anymore, so calling me at work was very unusual.
“Are you sitting down?” she asked.
I laughed rocking back in my leather chair.
“Yeah, I’m sitting down with a desk piled high with files that all have problems.”
I stared at the three stacks of legal manila file folders lining my desk. I needed to get through them all today.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I, unfortunately,” I joked.
She was silent a minute.
“Sorry, okay, serious. What is it?” I asked, sensing it was not good news, thinking it was her grandmother.
Her Nana hadn’t been in good health, and I thought maybe it was about her. I leaned forward resting my elbow on my desk.
“I heard that Mathew O’Conner died.”
Mathew? Mathew died? Died? How? I felt like I was treading through syrup in my head. He was my age; he was too young to die.
“Did you hear me?” she asked.
“I heard you, Gayle. Died how?”
“I
don’t know the details, but apparently he walked into a hospital on Monday and was dead by Wednesday,” she said.
I pictured him walking towards me smiling, his handsome face tan. I imagined him walking through glass sliding doors into the hospital like that.
“People don’t usually walk into a hospital fine one day and die a few days later,” I said, baffled.
I felt like I might be sick. I wondered why I hadn’t heard from anyone: Sara, Bobby, Ann. No one had contacted me, it had to be a mistake.
“This has to be wrong,” I said.
“I heard it from a pretty reliable source, I don’t think it is. I’m sorry, Morgan, I know what he meant to you.”
My chest tightened as I looked around my office. The window was the same, same blind, the tan walls, and same green patterned carpet, but it looked different to me. Like I was seeing it from a different viewpoint.
“I have to go,” I said, feeling dazed, frantic. “I need to make some calls. I have to confirm this.”
“Call me later,” she said.
When I hung up, I was surprised at how numb I felt. I tried to remember when I last heard his voice. “We’re getting divorced. Come visit me, Morgan” he’d said. That was the last time. Why hadn’t I talked to him in so long? It took some digging to get Bobby’s cell phone number. We hadn’t talked since Mathew’s wedding. I pushed the numbers on the phone slowly, hesitantly, and listened to the phone ring.
“Hello.”
“Bobby, it's Morgan.”
There was a pause.
“You heard?”
I could feel the dread spread through me.
“Please tell me it’s not true,” I begged, hoping against hope.
“It’s true,” he said sadly. “I saw him the day before he died. He wasn’t awake, hadn’t been for a while. All I could think about is how young he looked. Not old enough to be dying.”
We talked for two hours. Bobby had seen him over the last few years, but always on Mathew’s terms. A quick lunch out or a quick stop at Bobby’s house, he said Mathew never stayed long. Bobby was never invited to his place, not like when he and Roxanne were together. Bobby felt that he left a lot out when they did see each other. He figured that the partying had never stopped; that he’d hidden it well. Any new girl in his life never stayed around very long he said.
