Past Transgressions: A Russian Roulette Love Story

by Janae Keyes

  His statement spoke the truth.

  Maxim stood. I knew he was not one to hang around long. There were bounties on his head and he never stayed in one place terribly long. I walked with him to the door, he shook my hand, and he was off into the black of night, just as he’d arrived.

  Carefully, I carried the duffle bag into the bedroom where I found Rae still asleep. I sat on the edge of the bed and observed her features as she slept. Her chocolate skin, still smooth, and her lips plump, begging for kisses. Goodbyes were hard, but with her would be the hardest.

  Chapter 17

  Rae

  His presence was unmistakable. Though I’d been asleep, the moment he was near, it was impossible to not stir and want his arms to hold me tight. I was still processing everything from the look in Katya’s eyes as she was gunned down to Alexei’s explanation of it all. It was all too much, but I had to process it.

  Fuck yes, I was scared to death. I knew I should flee, go to the embassy like Alexei said, but I was afraid to leave his side. I’d never find anyone like him ever again, and though there was a danger of being with him, I couldn’t leave him.

  Those thoughts alone made me feel like I belonged in a crazy house. How could I stay through the dangers? My family depended on me, and there I was, throwing myself into the fray. There was a possibility I could be murdered in cold blood the same way as Katya was.

  “Alexei,” I whispered into the darkness of the bedroom.

  “Kisska,” he whispered back, his hand stroking my arm. God, his touch was everything to me and sent distinct shivers down my spine.

  “You should call mother,” he told me. What in the hell do I say to my mom? I couldn’t tell her the truth, she’d freak. “I have clothes for you. After call, you change, and I cook food.” I nodded as I slowly sat up in bed.

  I allowed my eyes to adjust to the light and even in the darkness, his blue eyes pierced me and I inhaled at the the sharp pain in my stomach.

  “What is wrong?” he asked right away.

  “Nothing, cramps,” I answered, breathing away the cramps that had quickly gripped my middle. I breathed them away, knowing my period wasn’t far off. Cramps right before were typical, and I’d deal with them as I always did.

  “Are you in need of pills? I can get for pain.” Alexei was still a sweetheart. Though he’d had his outburst earlier in the day, I understood it, both of us were stressed, and though Katya was my best friend, she was like a sister to him.

  I did as I was told and changed into the clothes he’d brought for me. There was a pair of women’s leggings and a loose-fitting sweatshirt that I put on.

  Taking a seat on the bed, I took my cell phone that Alexei had also brought to me, fully charged. Scared of what to say, I stalled for a moment. How did I call my mom and talk to her as if everything was okay when it was far from it. My life hung in the balance, and the life of my friend was cut short.

  Finally, after I’d worked up the courage, I dialed my mom’s number. I closed my eyes at the melodic tone of the ring before I heard her voice, cheerful as always. Nothing got that women down, not even the harsh circumstances we’d found ourselves in, she was a pillar of the strongest strength.

  “Happy New Year, Rae!” She said happily to me. I caught myself smiling, only the voice of a mom could do that to someone.

  “Happy New Year, Mom. Sorry, I didn’t call sooner, it’s been busy here.”

  “Party, party, party. I know Katya had you everywhere getting your party on. That girl is something,” she expressed. That was Katya, all about the party.

  “Yeah.” I didn’t have another answer for her.

  “How’s that guy you talked about?” she asked. I’d told her about Alexei in an email. She was excited that I met someone who I liked and who seemed to care about me.

  “Good. I’m with him. How was New Year’s for you?” I had to change the subject. Talking more about Katya or Alexei would send me tumbling into a tailspin of emotions I didn’t want to face.

  “I stayed up watching one of those specials on TV. Reyana fell asleep about nine, so it was just me,” she explained.

  “Reyana had a good time?”

  “Yes, she misses you. I miss you too. Maybe you can come out when your next semester ends.”

  “Yes, I want to,” I said trying to sound optimistic, and not hint to the danger I was in. There was a chance that I had no clue how big it was that I would never see my mother and sister again.

  “Good. I’m glad you took your trip. I can hear how relaxed you are.” Relaxed? I wanted to laugh. “You wear yourself out working all those jobs and doing school. I know you do it for us and I cannot be more thankful for having such a selfless daughter.”

  The dam broke. I began to cry. Those emotions weren’t going to stay locked in forever. I could pretend to be calm all I wanted, but inside I was an absolute wreck.

  “I can’t tell you how much I love you, Mom. You and Reyana. I’m who I am because I work hard for you. I love you guys so much.” It dawned on me as I sobbed, it might be the last time I talked to my mom. I could get myself caught up into the mess like Katya, I could have a bullet through my head.

  “Don’t cry, Rae. You’re such a good person and I know I’m proud of you. You should be proud of yourself for it.”

  “Alexei tells me the same,” I sniffed.

  “From the little you’ve told me, he sounds good for you.”

  “In a weird way, he is. It’s just, there’s so many variables and factors that can tear it all apart.”

  “Don’t give up on what you have,” she noted, her tone serious. “You make excuses to not follow your heart. I’ve seen you do it. You’ve always put me and your sister first, I need you to stop that. It is time to put you first and to not give up on real love, no matter how hard it is, don’t give up on it.”

  “Umm—I should go. These calls are expensive,” I said quickly, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was crashing quickly, and I had to face it.

  “Yes, I’ll talk to you later. Tell the boyfriend I say, Hello and remember to not give up on what you have with him. I know there are difficulties, but they will be worth fighting through.”

  “I will.”

  Ending the call, I wiped the last bits of my tears away. I sat on the bed in total silence, only my breathing. My mom had a point, but she had no idea how intense the complications were with Alexei. The safe life I lived took a dramatic turn, and I had to face it. Alexei said he was going to make it right. I supposed I would do what I could to do it also. I wouldn’t let Katya’s life go in vain.

  I wandered from the bedroom and to the kitchen where Alexei stood at the stove.

  “Not fancy meal tonight, I have potatoes and chicken,” he noted as I entered fully into the room.

  “Okay,” I said quietly as I sat at the table and looked down at my jittering hands. I glanced back up to find Alexei watching me, concern on his face. “Sorry I slapped you.”

  He cracked a grin. “Do not have worry, I understand.”

  We ate in silence. Things were strained between us. I didn’t know what to say, and I assumed he also was lost for the right words. Our lives had changed in an instant, with one shot and my brain was left processing.

  “Did your friend come?” I asked as Alexei began to clear the dishes away. He nodded as he continued with his world. “What happens?”

  “I go Moscow.”

  “What about me?”

  “You go home.”

  “What about us?”

  He said nothing. I didn’t understand this lack of words. We were a couple, we should be confiding in one another, but instead, he was shutting me out. I tried to ignore it and let him do what he needed to do, but I couldn’t.

  “Alexei, talk to me. Please, just talk to me. I’m so fucking scared, lost, angry, and you aren’t helping any of it.” I stood up and faced him as he stood at the kitchen counter, head down, with his fists balled. He banged his fists on the counter before turning to me. Hi
s blue eyes pierced right through me, I saw an anger I’d never seen before.

  “You want talk? I talk, I tell you how you are stupid. You are very stupid. I tell you to go and you do not have brain to listen. There is much danger. I cannot protect, if I could give protect, Katya would not be dead. Go and do not look back for me!”

  Each heartbeat grew stronger in my chest, fighting to burst through. I swallowed down the words that could be filled with vile anger and worked to fill them with love, our love.

  “I can’t not look back. I won’t.” I took careful steps toward him until I stood directly in front of him and placed my hand over his. “I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and letting go means letting go of something amazing. God, you act like I don’t see the danger right in front of my eyes. I fucking see it, Alexei. I saw a bullet hole in my friend’s head. I see it, but I also love you, and I won’t not look back.”

  Then Alexei did something I didn’t expect, he snatched his hand away from mine and glared at me, the words leaving his mouth filled with a viciousness meant to break my heart.

  “I don’t love you.”

  The tears burned at the brim of my eyes as I shook my head.

  “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do. Tomorrow, I take to embassy and you leave.” He easily turned away from me and began to work on the dishes from dinner.

  I’d escape, but I didn’t know what dangers were lurking. I knew one thing, Alexei and I were over as fast as we started.

  I left him in the kitchen without a word, and I ventured into the bedroom. I climbed under the thick blankets and hugged my arms around myself. My days in Russia were over, my days of having a best friend who I could always depend on were over, and my days of being in love to the point it hurt—were over.

  My mom’s words rang in my ears as I sobbed on my pillow, “Remember to not give up on what you have with him. I know there are difficulties, but they will be worth fighting through.”

  The crashing and bangs woke me from a dead sleep. I jolted from the bed and unconsciously rushed from the bedroom and in the direction of the commotion. I feared for Alexei and what could be happening.

  My palms were sweating, and my heart beat rapidly as I reached the living room, where I saw him, Alexei. He was trashing the place. He hit books from shelves and tossed electronics around. He picked up a vase and smashed it against a wall.

  He was completely alone, and he wrecked everything he came in contact with, maybe that was a metaphor for his life. The moment I saw him grab another vase, I had to stop him. As fast as my feet would take me, I ran through the living room and to him, grabbing his arm before he could do harm to another beautiful vase.

  Alexei paused and softened at my touch. I took the vase from him and put it back in its proper place on an end table before I put my arms around him, my head resting on his chest. I felt every thumping beat of his heart followed by his heart wrenching sobs and filled the room. Through it all, I held on tight.

  “I have much sorry,” he whispered as he moved and I glanced up into his eyes. The Alexei I knew had returned, and I gave him a weak smile. “I do love you, I only fear your hurt, your death. I would die for you die.”

  “Come to bed,” I whispered to him.

  “I do not have understand of your calm,” he noted. I didn't understand it either. It was something I'd picked up from my mom, no matter how bad things could get, she always remained in a state of calm I could never comprehend. “I like this of you. You have good head on.”

  I shrugged. I supposed I'd taken something away from my mom because in our situation I'd expect to be a wreck of intense emotions.

  Alexei laced his fingers with mine as we made our way into the bedroom. He took off his shirt and climbed onto the bed before he motioned for me to join him. Sitting on the bed, I laid down and curled under the blankets, and Alexei’s arms pulled me against his hard chest.

  I inhaled his scent, it brought comfort to me, relaxing all my limbs, and bringing my breathing to a gentle pace. It was hard to imagine moving on from the past couple weeks and couple days.

  “Where do we go from here?”

  “I cannot speak exact. The big picture is you in safety. After, I make trip.” Alexei explained as he ran his hand under my sweater, caressing my bare back with is large rough hand.

  “When will you leave?” I asked him, wanting to know how much time I’d have before our time was over.

  “The day after tomorrow, in the night. I will get train to Moscow.”

  “Oh,” I breathed.

  “Sleep now, Kisska,” he instructed as he continued to hold me tight with a kiss planted on the top of my head. I snuggled in and allowed my sleep to take me.

  The ice blue eyes that stared back at me held a large mix of emotions. They held love, fear, resilience, and oddly, strength. They were wide and spoke of an end that was near. With a shot, they went dead, and I jump awake, my screams filling the space around. My arms swinging in every direction.

  “Kisska, Kisska, calm, be calm. I am here,” called the voice of the man I loved, soothing me and bringing me into reality.

  My screams turned to sobs as my face pressed to a strong and bare chest. Hands gripped me tight and kept me secured. That nightmare felt so real, I’d only imagined that scene over and over again since it happened, Katya’s death. The light the moment it left her eyes.

  I was shaking until I began to calm. Alexei not leaving me for a moment. He whispered to me his love and devotion. He made me feel safe and secured in his arms, and I felt that love through all my limbs.

  “It is okay, Kisska,” Alexei whispered as he stroked my hair. Though I was so far from home and far from my family, I’d never felt so at home until with Alexei, home was wherever he was.

  “I—I—I just keep seeing her eyes, that moment she was killed. Seeing the light leaving them instantly, it is something I know I will never get out of my head,” I confessed to him as I tilted my head and peered into his eyes, so similar to Katya’s. “How did you do it? How were you able to take someone’s life?”

  “I have no explain. At time, I liked it. I lived life for moment, the moment you talk of, when the light is gone. I enjoyed it, like monster. I no understand how I no scare you, I am monster.”

  He told the truth. Alexei was a monster, he’d spend his professional life as a killer, taking away the loved ones of others. He snuffed out their fire and liked it, he didn’t have to look back. What scared me was I loved that monster, he was my monster.

  “You should have fear with me, why no fear?”

  “I do have fear, I’m scared to death, but I don’t fucking know. Maybe my love for you overrides that fear. I should flee, but I want to fight, fight for what we have, fight for a future that might be nonexistent. Fight to save your soul.”

  “There is not save for my soul. It broke long time in past. There is no use with me. You waste time and energy on broken cause.” How did he think he wasn’t worth saving? I saw what was worth saving inside him. In a strange way, he’d saved me from the predictability of my responsibilities. I’d save his soul that was a given.

  I didn’t say anything to him. I only kissed him, and kissed him hard. I gave him the only riches I had, my love, and myself. Pushing him down to the bed, I straddled my body over his, feeling his hands travel from my back over my behind, taking a strong grip.

  Alexei’s tongue thrust into my mouth, finding my own and fighting it in a passionate battle. My fingers threaded into his hair, feeling every individual strand. I worked my hips on his, rubbing our clothes bodies together. It was like being a teenager, getting a risky as one could go without crossing the line.

  Moans escaped my lips at the nibbles of his teeth on my bottom lip. I pulled away and stared into his eyes, my heart pounded in my chest, it was like our first time.

  “I’m going to Moscow with you, don’t argue, I’m going.”

  Chapter 18

  Alexei

  Knowing
Rae, the way I’d gotten to know her over the past couple weeks, there would be no arguing with her, at least not now. I never knew someone could love me like her. She knew the details of my old life that haunted us and was still determined to stand at my side.

  Maybe the timing wasn’t right, and maybe we’d be wrong to explore our sexual selves in such a situation, but I didn’t care, I needed her. I needed the girl who allowed me to play Russian roulette with her heart, body, and soul.

  I smacked that round ass of hers. The very ass I’d been enthralled with from the moment I met her. I couldn’t ask for anything more, perfectly juicy, firm, and mine. Rae squealed, and I gave her another smack before I flipped her down onto the bed, taking back my power, leaving her to my will.

  Tonight, would likely be that last time she’d spoken of. The chances of never seeing her again grew larger with each passing moment. This would be it, fucking her like our last time, as it was.

  “Arms up,” I instructed Rae, who nodded and lifted her arms. I ripped her shirt from over her head, her bouncing tits and flat stomach were presented to me. I bent to her, my tongue circling her belly button and roaming up between her breasts. Rae’s chocolate skin tasted delightful under my tongue.

  More of her, I needed more of her.

  I took more, taking a nipple into my mouth. I sucked hard on the bud, and the moans that came from Rae were nothing more than glorious.

  My dick was harder than ever at every sweet moan and cry that erupted from her. There was no doubt, I had to be inside her. I wanted to hear my name as I slammed into her sweet pussy. I wanted her to know the strength of my addiction to her.

  “Turn,” I hissed harshly down to the woman who was laid out under me.

  Rae took no time to turn onto her stomach. I gripped her hips, bringing her ass into the air as her back arched down onto the bed, beautiful. There was no time to properly remove her panties, and I ripped them with ease, a hiss came from her throat and mine as I regarded the ass in front of me.