One Split Second

by Gillian Crook

  When the lunch came, Lynn put something down on my table that I didn’t actually recognise at first, and on closer inspection, it was an Indian curry. I was actually quite peckish and noticed that there was also a poppedom covered under a serviette, oh, very fancy, so I thought I would at least try it… . once I actually tasted a bit, I was pleasantly surprised at just how tasty it was, so, I went on to finish the whole lot… actually, it wasn’t a huge portion and I didn’t feel full up which was a good thing, because I was going on the prone trolley after lunch, and I certainly don’t want to go on it with a full tummy, imagine, beach whale on a skateboard (not a very pleasant image), and when I feel full I feel ‘humungous’! Actually, I have found that the more I use the trolley the better I can handle it, and it is allowing me that little bit of freedom, and I’m beginning to get to know more people in the unit and quite often I stop in the lounge or dining area. Sometimes, I surprise myself how nice I can be, because at first I really didn’t want to discuss anything with the other patients or even know them. One of the problems with the lounge is that there is very little privacy if you want a bit of peace. There’s a pool table in it… and straight through from the lounge is the dining area, AND in the dining area, they allow smoking at the bottom, by the sliding doors. I know… it is really unusual to have a smoking area in a dining area, and I have got no idea how they manage to get away with it… . but they do. All the boys gather there for ciggies (and other things), and a chinwag. I really hope I don’t start smoking at this stage, and thankfully, I’m not at the moment. I say thankfully, because if I do, it is going to be a nightmare to try and get through to the dining room every time I fancy one, because I’m confined to the bed. Oh god, what a palavar that would be… me getting wheeled through for a ciggie every hour or so… . No thanks, I’m not craving at the moment and long may it continue plus, I shouldn’t think the staff are able to keep pushing me through… in fact, I KNOW they wouldn’t be able to, or want to!

  When I was getting onto the trolley, Rhona was telling me the there was going to be a wheelchair exhibition through in the gym in the afternoon. I went through on the trolley, and there was a demonstration, and the sales rep was passing about leaflets and brochures on the various wheelchairs. He demonstrated about 3… and they all looked quite interesting, but the one that caught my eye was the one that lifted you up quite high, so that, e.g. you would be able to reach up to the top shelf in supermarkets or the library. Well, it was an amazing piece of machinery, but coming back down, the machine got stuck. I don’t think he planned on that happening, and it was really funny… here’s this guy, giving us all the spiel about how we cannot live without this ‘superchair’, the next best thing in modern day technology, and every cripple should have one, . . . and what happens… the damn thing that costs about 5 grand, goes and gets stuck for fuck sake!! No commission for you this time mate! I then posed the question, that in the event that the machine broke down or ‘gets stuck’, (as it did) when you’re out and about, apart from panic, what would you do, and the answer was to ‘have a set of allen keys on you’—as you do!! It was quite interesting I suppose, but at this stage, I am just happy to settle for a wheelchair with two wheels that stay firmly on the ground.

  So after that the rest of the day just went on as normal, and I’m not going to bore myself by writing about teatime and all that, but later on managed to get hold of Casey, and she was in on her own, Mitch was staying with his friend Tom, and Barry was out with Shonah and and Jamie. So my little darling was telling me all about different things, but the one main thing she is really looking forward to, of course, is coming up at Christmas, she is soo excited. We talked for ages, until, I heard a noise in the background, and it was Barry coming home, so I told Casey that I didn’t really need to speak to her dad and I would speak to her tomorrow and loved her loads. Oh god thank you for such a wonderful daughter.

  I really wanted to kill Duncan, because he was almost ‘growling’ at me when I was on the phone, because he wanted to use it… Well, I didn’t bloody know, and I didn’t bloody CARE, it was Casey! . . . and I told him that, AND that he was lucky I hadn’t been on for longer!! Actually, once he knew it was Casey he was fine, but I must speak to him about the phone, because I have noticed that he uses it EVERY night about the same time, so we will have to come to some sort of arrangement… (you would think we were the only two in the unit that used the phone!). They do have 2 payphones, but only one works, and since I have been here that’s been the case. Anyway, I needed to speak to mum, but I let Duncan use it because he wanted to let his wife know the phone was free! See, I ain’t all bad. So, telepathy at work here, because whilst Duncan was on the phone, one of the nurses came in to tell me that mum had phoned the nurses station to leave a message that she would be coming through tomorrow with Tony. Oh good, lets see what happens. Actually, I want to see mum, if only to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry so much about always trying to get through. I love seeing her, but I worry about mum, and I don’t want her doing too much. She’s even talked about getting the bus, I really don’t want her doing that on her own, but she is fiercely independent!! Love her.

  I think, that at the moment the run up to christmas seems very slow. If my rehabilitation programme can change my body and state of mind, it will have to be pretty good!

  Watching Judge Dredd about court cases, at the moment, and it’s quite funny because it reminds me of Angela whose only just about to qualify. It’s funny I can see her in court, grilling someone over the coals; she’ll most probably be fiery but fair, and Roselyn, whose a Lawyer as well; she’s what I would probably call, the more diplomatic and approachable one, and it feels like Roselyn was born a lawyer!! Oh Duncan was looking ‘so hard doneby’, I explained to him that I felt bad about being short with him and I’m sorry. He’s Ok now!

  Saturday 29th November

  You know, it’s not even a month to Christmas, and I am really worried that my rehab is just taking so, so long, and from what the nurses are saying when they are dressing the wound, it doesn’t seem to getting better as quickly as I thought it would be… . oh dear, everything in here is going too slow, but everything out ‘there’ is going too fast, especially on the run up to christmas!!

  Casey phoned again this morning to let me know she is going over to Maddie’s and that she wouldn’t be in tonight. I was so pleased she phoned, because she didn’t need to do that… she is thoughtful, and I really worry about her so much. The night that I was raped, I sat afterwards just crying and crying, and actually phoned home just to hear Casey’s voice and make sure she was home. She didnt understand, because I was phoning about 1 in the morning… . I was fretful that something like ‘that’ could happen to her. I couldn’t say anything… I just said I had dialled by accident and I would say goodnight and call in the morning, and kept repeating how much I loved her. I didn’t even think what I would have done if Barry had answered… probably broken down. It was Casey I wanted though, so it was sheer luck she picked up the phone so late. I thanked god for that. Crazy eh! I will always now try to protect her from the wrong boys, but she is young enough yet. I will tell her what happened to me when she is a bit older.

  I don’t want to think about that. Mitch was only 13 when Pete beat the crap out of me, and Mitch really wanted to KILL HIM! He was angry! So, that ‘incident’ has to be ‘kept under wraps’ at the moment, at least from the children. Sometimes I’m not surprised that I’m not a total ‘basket case’ after all the different things that have happened to me. Actually, maybe I am and that’s how I can carry on, maybe even help someone else one day!! Life can be a BITCH, but in my case it’s been BASTARDS. Enough!

  Back to the present. I am just going to do a bit of writing for that magazine that got in touch with me after the accident. They seem quite keen for me to write about what is happening at the present as well. I am not going to send them any of this work… I am doing theirs separately, because they so
lely want to know about the accident.

  I managed to get something written for them, and then put it away. They have even sent me a contract to sign very professional. I am gonna think about it, who knows!!

  Anyway, bloody Irene… that nurse does my head in… remember her from the ‘shower’ incident—when I joked about her not washing my hair properly, and then when she complained ‘about herself’, thinking I was going to do it, and she ended up shooting herself in the foot, because my hair shouldn’t have been getting washed anyway because of the stitches?. Well, she is the staff nurse in here today, and she just ‘had a go’ at me and one of the auxiliaries called David, for my caffeta being full and him not emptying it, and I then got it in the neck for not letting someone know how full it was!! Short of hitting the silly cow, I remained calm and informed her, that at this stage in my recovery they have not shown me the rehabilitation side of coping with a caffeta (I can’t even spell the friggin word) so, effectively, I am not responsible for my bag, and I do have to rely on staff to look out for it needing emptied. That’s actually the truth, I didn’t make that up. I’m stuck in a sodden bed 24-7. I know David, the auxilliary and he is a really good guy, and her comments could get him into trouble.

  Anyway, later on she apologised and said that she was just concerned that at this stage in my recovery I should be responsible for knowing when the caffeta should be emptied. I explained that because of the pressure sore, the dressing and the vac that was attached, it was more difficult for me to see over the side, of the bottom of the bed, and for that reason I hadn’t even really been told anything about my caffeta hygiene, except that it was acting as my bladder! To be honest, all I know is that she has ‘wound me up’ for the last time.

  Later on after tea, which I ate and shouldn’t have because it was burger and chips… I know, but it was nice… . I watched ‘Pop Idol’ and I really like it, it’s quite funny watching the auditions. Never spoke to anyone. So all that’s left to say is Goodnight all my loved ones and I hope that mum makes it through tomorrow, and for the record, Duncan was really good fun today… we actually talked! and not about the accidents—which was nice, (and a special prayer, for that guy Jim as well, poor man, poor family, thanks god), I know, I always ask for extras!

  Sunday 30th November

  Before I start I must mention that the pain last night was really really bad. It sounds mad, but it felt like my legs had been cut off—I couldn’t even feel them with my hands… it was so weird, it actually made me cry, because I panicked… the staff nurse, had to get the doctor, and he prescribed me some diazapam and said to try and relax… what a stupid thing to say… of course I would try and relax, that’s what I was trying to do. I think now, I know he meant to stop getting so stressed, so why the hell didn’t he just say that… fuck sake, why am I picking hairs. Am I in a picky mood today?, I hope not, because mum and Tony are coming in today. Oh no, ‘Tony Alert’, be on my guard and don’t be too sensitive. Well, I’m still in pain, but they have only just given me my morning tablets so hopefully they will kick in.

  I did manage to sleep but they are still doing my turns, so there is always a certain amount of waking up and falling back to sleep again, but I think my body is getting more used to it by now. If fact, I’m surprised it’s not turning itself?

  Well, I have just spoken to Mitch and he was great, but then Barry came on the phone, and I have just had the longest, shittiest phone conversation; he was fine for about the first 5 minutes, and then he started asking me to break my confidence about what me and Casey talk about ‘in a need to know’ basis. I refused, and then he went on so much I proceeded to tell him about Casey feeling that Shonah has taken over with regards, him and decisions that are made, and she generally gets upset and feels she can only speak to me. WELL, Barry quite scathingly then went on to tell me that, it’s because Casey has missed out on a mother for so long that she is troubled—BANG! Punch no 1… that I wasn’t making it any easier, by having moved to Scotland, in fact I had made matters worse—POW! Punch no 2… that I always pick at things and don’t let go, like I had done with regards the christening—WHAM! Punch no 3

  What a Prick! but,

  1. I have always been there for Casey, and she has always talked to me about everything, whether I was there or not, and,

  2. I had discussed and cleared it with him and the kids before I made the decision to come to scotland, then,

  3. I hadn’t interfered with the christening except to tell him how Casey felt about the situation with CJ being god-father, and yes, I had agreed with Casey, so…

  Whilst on the subject of the christening I decided to tell him a few home truths. Why did Shonah have no family or friends of her own that she could have asked? I didn’t want to get bitchy but he had started this. Then I told him that if Lindy was so special then why had he failed to ask her to be god-mother to one of our kids. She would have been a superb god-mum to one of ours, but had he gone to the 50th birthday bash to introduce Shonah to Lindy, to ‘suck up’ because of the fact that she was now ‘loaded’—ouch! even I felt that. Then I asked him how much he was spending on the kids at christmas compared to what he was spending on Jamie (Casey when she was angry told me that he was spending a fortune on Jamie and not them), and he then reminded me that they were coming up to see me, and he was sacrificing not being with Jamie and Shonah, and that they were having to go to her grand-mothers… boo fuckin hoo! He was getting me so mad, I felt like saying that why hadn’t he asked the grand-mother who was probably the same age as him and Lindy, to be the god-mother? meow??

  I refused to talk to him anymore and ended the conversation. I couldn’t afford to get any more wound up, and he was on his way to pick up Casey so I told him to get off the phone and go and pick up his daughter and on the way to think WHY she doesn’t tell him anything?!

  I could not believe the audacity of the man, to accuse me of all those things! I will phone Casey and Mitch later to say goodnight and just to reassure them that everything is ok! See again, he has got under my skin, and my spasms are getting worse and worse.

  Shit, now I’m really really sore, and what a huge amount of energy and mindspace that has just taken up, and it will be on my mind ALL day, and that bugger won’t give it a ‘second’ thought!

  Mum and Tony arrived about 1ish. It genuinely, was lovely to see them, and anything was a welcome distraction to take my mind off that lecturerous, arrogant, stubborn, oaf of a man!

  We had a lovely visit. Mum had brought some cake (new, in a box) no less, with a big box of Roses for the staff. She is so thoughtful. I must say though, I do worry—mum was looking tired. I had a brief discussion with Tony, but our talks always feel ‘strained’, and I think it’s because he has never forgiven me for getting drunk when I came home for dad’s funeral, which I haven’t even forgiven ‘myself’ for, (another story), but at least we were polite, and without him, mum wouldn’t have managed down.

  We spent some time in the day room, and that was a change of scenery for mum who hadn’t sat out there before, and there were quite a lot of visitors. When I got back to the ward, Duncans wife was with him. She had come through from Oban, so mum and Tony had a good old chat with Duncan and his wife. Her name is Ruby, and she is an absolutely lovely lady. When they all left, it was good that me and Duncan were now introduced to each others respective families. Mum phoned later to let me know that her and Tony got home ok, and that she had enjoyed the visit. I was able to say the I had honestly enjoyed the visit as well. I like it when mum has more time to spend with me alone. Tony always finds ‘someone’ to talk to—if you know what I mean, he likes to ‘nosey’ around, in an interested way, and he’s a people person, like dad in fact… actually, Tony does have a lot of dad in him, and that’s a compliment—I am soo glad it was Tony who took mum down today.

  After that I phoned the kids, and luckily Casey was home and she answered, so I didn’t thi
nk it would be a good idea to talk to her about the argument between me and her dad. She was telling me all about her and Maddie having a good time… she is starting to talk about her and Maddie meeting other friends and ‘hanging around’—I remember doing that with my mates; we used to ‘hang around’ an ice cream van at one time, and somehow we managed to make that exciting!

  I thanked god for such a great visit with Tony and mum, and to say ‘hi’ to dad and Aunt Helen… . said goodnight to Casey and Mitch and how much I love them both… needless to say, I didn’t speak to Barry, but I will pray for him—please god get Barry a personality-transplant? AMEN!

  Monday 1st December

  Oh, my god, only 24 days until Christmas and 24 days until I see my children… it’s a pity Mitch can’t drive… Is it defintely 17 before he can get a license, is it? . . . . Shame!? I had a really weird nights sleep, but I was probably still disturbed after my phone call with Barry yesterday, I couldn’t get it out of my mind, and it was a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, shitty, shitty, worst ever morning!! Dr Didn’t informed me that there would be NO OPERATION on Wednesday because a BUG had been found in my bottom; well he said ‘sacral site’ where I was supposed to get that damn operation on the 26th November!! Then after many tears, came the realisation, I was now being let down by a BUG that they apparently found from the swab on the 26th November!! It will still need to be clarified exactly how bad it is… but Dr Didn’t told me it could be months before my OP and then a further few months before the next Op—where the hell was all this coming from? Does this bastard Dunne really have it in for me? I haven’t upset the little shit (I don’t think), or have I, I maybe upset his, patronizing, pricking ego when I questioned him about different things. How come he has the ability to switch dates as he wishes—bullshit! A BUG can keep me in bed for what… he’s suggesting could be another 4 months!!! . . . . HELP!