All that aside, the children seemed to have had a good time, and that was the most important thing… they loved their presents, and I loved the presents from them, we enjoyed our Christmas MacDonald’s, and takeaway pizzas, and it all added to the fun. I love them so much, and it was great having them there, and bless, Casey wanted to look after me! Barry was disappointed that I wasn’t well, but we didn’t let it spoil things. I hadn’t seen the children for such a long time, and he wanted it to be fun for me as well. In saying that, just being with the children was enough for me and hopefully they ended up having an enjoyable time. I hated seeing them go, and I love the kids so much and I hate to say, it… when they left I did breath a massive SAD sigh in my heart, but also one HEAVY sigh of relief, but only cause I could `BE ill`!! I think mum understood, and it was actually nice to be able to talk to her about it and ease my conscience slightly—I felt like a bad mum, but my mum, saw to it that I was OK! So, it was great to have mum there!!
Mum went on to say that she had spent Christmas day with Roselyn and Donie, and that all the kids were at home. They went to Roselyn’s for 12 o’clock Christmas drinks after church, and she just stayed on there for her Christmas dinner. She seemed to enjoy it. I told her I had sent cards, (I’m sure I posted them)! Oh, well, at least we did talk about Christmas and not that bloody Pete. My God, I forgot to say, she had to move the friggin teddy, and when she asked me where I got the teddy, I went to lie to her and she said, its ok, the same person who gave you `those` cushions. She just smiled, laughed and to be honest, me and mum were taking the piss (mum didn’t know she was), which was hilarious. Up yours Pete! Thinking you could get one over on the family… . Wrong! Actually, I’ve just remembered why he is so anti-my family… . it’s because my nephews went looking for him and found him after he had beaten me up, and cornered him at his work and told him that if he came anywhere near me he was in trouble!! In fact, they ran him out of Berrytown, by stalking him in a blacked out BMW! Coward left! What a pratt!
So, we talked a lot and I did tell her that she had made my year bearable, and I could never have got through the trauma of the accident without her. She had come to see me in all weathers, talking the bus or train, paying Crusty, and on a few (very few, and that pisses me off), very occasional visits from the family! Oh yes, don’t get me started on the family, I love them all, and I’m sure they have their reasons, but they tend to talk about me behind my back which is a bit unfair! Anyway, mum was curious as to the true nature of the accident, and I did tell her the truth, that I had the one can of Stella and that was all, and I did explain that I wasn’t thinking as clearly as I should have, and that at the time I hadn’t realised just how high up the dive was, I don’t know why, but I couldn’t back-out. I also told mum to extinguish any thoughts about it being a drug-enduced, drunken, or suicidal dive!! Jesus, the things the family talk about sometimes, probably standing in the kitchen having a few drinks and speculating about what they think happened to cause the accident—and probably trying to analyse whats going on in my head… . and if they do think I am on drugs, then there is absolutely NO point in trying to defend myself, when they have made their own minds up! Grr, they do make me mad. But I still love the buggers.
Anyway, mum left with Crusty after leaving some money with me to get change for the phone, and money for the vending machine (more revels), and of course enough biscuits and box of quality street for the nurses to last them well into 20045!!!
Well, now that is the last person from the family I am going to see till 2004, and it was so weird that tomorrow is the last day of 2003. Well, I will try and think about it tomorrow because I’m gonna have to make ‘massive’ changes in my life, and who knows… maybe I will do something with my wonderful ‘book’, oh yes, that would worry a few of the nurses… hee hee! So, goodnight God, look after my wonderful kids, Barry and my mum, and ALL the family, and well, I’m done begging for new legs… . Love you all, speak soon! Tomorrow me luvverly luvvies xxxxxxxxx
31st December (last day of the year)!! Thank God
Today is a Tuesday, and things are buzzing around here, we all need to have showers… dunno why, it’s normally wed, and it’s not as if we are all going out to the clubs later!! Oh, well at least I will be looking nice and smelling clean and have newly-washed shiny hair for any unsuspecting males that happen to come into the ward to celebrate New Year’s night here!! I wish? or do I?
My bones were really sore this morning, so the shower actually loosened them up with the warmth. Mr Templar was just going round to see his patients and checking that everyone is ok? He is so sweet and he was pleased with my wound. He dressed it and checked the vac, and said it was healing nicely, but I did ask him if he did have any idea as to when he may be doing the operation to close the wound, and he told me that at this stage he wasn’t certain! Oh, and then guess who flounced through the door… . the gangly DR DIDN’T. He gave me a quick half smile, as if he didn’t have time for a full one, and walked over to my bed and asked ALISTAIR (Mr Templar), when he was leaving today? They chatted amongst themselves for a while… (can I come to your party guys? Not fussed… any party will do)!
Dr Didn’t asked how the wound was coming along, and would it be possible for him to have a look? He seemed quite pleased and nodded his approval, and then tried to get Mr Templar to re-affirm that they may just be leaving the wound to heal by itself, but Mr Templar didn’t want to obviously commit to anything, and being the gentleman that he is, would not want to give me any news that might upset me, as it was New Year. Great, gee thanks guys! Then the two of them got ready to go to the next ward. There wasn’t any real point in trying to say happy new year to Jim or Sam, the double-trouble-trackies! It was actually quite nice for the 2 of the docs to come round and wish me the best for 2004. Mr Templar even hinted that I may get into another ward after the New Year, one that had a little more life in it… I found that comment about ‘more life’ quite amusing, (cause he wasn’t joking), although he never meant it disrespectfully to Sam and Jim, but, let’s get real and examine the facts; 2 grown men, 2 life-support machines, 2 sets of trackies and non-vocal just gargling, both being fed through drips,! Yep, ‘more life’ . . . well, somehow I don’t think that will be too difficult… even Dr Didn’t could DO THAT! (find me another ward!)
Just after they had left, I got a txt through from Pete to say that he was going to be coming into the ward to let me see him in his KILT—oh my God, this man’s ego! I’ve seen him in a kilt, and yes, he does look quite handsome, but we all know different now, don’t we? I’ve detailed this before when I talked about ‘first impressions’ (bad teeth ring a bell?)!! I txtd back to ask why and when? I wasn’t too bothered because I knew that I wasn’t going to be getting any ‘surprise’ visits from any members of my family, it’s not their style, but there’s no need for me to see him. He txtd me back to say that it would be nice for us to see each other before the New Year, and things could be different next year. OH NO, here we go again. I thought that I was rid of Pete, because he is having New Years Eve in Invernevis, and then with his mum and dad, New Years Day, and then back down to Thenton on the 2nd. It’s just as well he is going back then. The amount of Chinese people he left living in the flat on their own, I would hate to see the ‘squalor’ that they will be going back to. In fact, it makes me cringe when I think of that poor baby—even though, Li looked like she would be a good mum and keep the baby and the main part of the flat they are in clean. Oh God… I don’t know, and I don’t give a shit!.
He txtd back to say that he was going to pop in to say happy New Year, before he went to his uncle Tommys’ to park the car up, and then Tommy and him were going out in Invernevis for the night. He said he was going to be coming in about 3ish. Well, he always was a good timekeeper, being a bus driver he has to be, so around 3 Pete ‘marched’ into the ward, followed by a smaller version of himself (also in his kilt), whom I recognised as Chris. Whilst I was watching Pete and
Chris coming in, I realised that it wasn’t just for my benefit the way he was swinging his kilt. He really can’t help himself, it was because anywhere he is guaranteed a female audience, he will be there. That’s when it struck me. He wasn’t really coming into see me, well, not totally at least… he was doing it to chance his luck with any of the nurses that take his fancy or take any notice of him, and I think, he thinks that by wearing the kilt makes him more appealing, and he believes he is soo handsome, (yes, ok Pete, all females find the kilt a ‘babe magnet’?!) . . . it was so obvious that he had thought this visit through, that conniving bastard! I let him have his fun, talking to the nurses at the nurse’s station, telling them where he was going and asking if they would be going out. He was in his element, and his ‘smaller half’ was left trailing behind (pretty shitty way to treat his brother actually). After a short while, it was my turn to listen to his ‘garbage’ about wanting US to be together, and in the end I just told him I needed to think about it, but that I didn’t know when I would be getting out of hospital and we could take it from there and that in the meantime we would keep in touch by txt… . I just wanted him out… this was going to be a new year and there may be a void in my heart but it certainly isn’t for Pete, and in fact, its not just that I don’t love him one bit any more, I don’t actually LIKE him. Even though, I may use him next year, just to continue the MACBAIN saga. So, he left happy, away to find Tommy, and I knew that the three of them would have a field day, undressing women in every bar with their eyes, and no doubt hoping they might get lucky… I hope Chris does actually, he’s the only single one!! I gave Paul a kiss on the cheek, even though he tried to get a kiss on the lips (eyuk!), but I didn’t want to kiss him back. So I wished them both a Happy New Year, and said I would be in touch. Good luck to them!! Bye bye, you don’t know it yet sucker, but If I keep in touch it’s only because I’m intrigued to see just how your scheming plans have ironed out, good or bad, indifferent. Probably bad, though, but I’m sure it will make interesting reading. Prepare to get a taste of your own medicine… I will never be used, even tonight, the way you used me to come into the hospital in the guise that you were coming to see me, when all the time all you wanted to do was to ogle the nurses. You don’t deserve to be compared to a Leopard, but clowns never change their spots… have a long, good look next time you see one! (oh, you see one all the time, silly me, I forgot, you look in the mirror frequently, to slide your filthy hand through your greased black hair). Sorry Pete, but you’ve pissed me off. Happy New Year… now get to F* * *!
Well, well, about 9 o’clock, I had a phone call, and my God, it was Jerry… Jerry was someone I mentioned before in my book, who had been in broadreach, the rehab for guys, and his addiction was drugs, but by the time I left him, I was hoping he was going to be back with his wife, but now I’m not sure, anyway; lets see, Jerry in Plymund; he cared, he loved, he infatuated, he protected, he respected my honour and at one time we were definite ‘soul mates’, we could talk for hours and hours together, and he helped me through some hard times, and I helped him, but it was the same Jerry who always said “what if”? But as long as Jerry was married there was no way I would ever contemplate going out with him, plus there was a chance that him and his wife could make a ‘go of it’ . . . . But, when I started going out with Jake, I hadn’t realised that him and Jerry were so close… in fact they were two east end London boys, and by God, when the two of them got together, the real cockney accent would come out, and at first it was fun, and then as they got more drunk, the sordid side of the East end came out, and they were vile… give me the sound of a couple of real Glaswegians together and it is like sweet music compared to their eastend roughness, in fact, Terry IS a great guy, but one night when me, Jerry, Joan, and Jake were out, (at this point I was finished with Jake), we were all drinking too much, (apart from Joan, who left when she saw the guys getting too drunk). Anyway this night the two of them were disgusting!; they started spitting on each other, making out that this was a sign of friendship in the East end… I was mortified. Well, I went to leave when the two of them started talking about ME. Jerry made it clear he loved me but nothing had ever happened, because I WOULD’NT let it, and Jake started accusing of us being together whilst I had been going out with him—which was absolute nonsense, but in his drunken stupor, he refused to believe us, and he walked over to me and coughed up saliva, and before I could do anything, he spat straight at my face… the barman came round to kick him out, when Jerry intervened and took Jake outside whilst I went to the toilet. I felt disgusted, insulted and ashamed to have been in their company. I left and didn’t see them again until after the accident, when Jerry had come up to the hospital 3 times, and each time I refused to see him then on the 4th visit I was only with him for about 15 minutes before I started to get tired, and he had to leave… we had managed to keep in touch through Joan. Well, tonight he wanted to make sure that I had my phone switched on because he wanted to send me a txt, and I’m going to write it down because its so sweet:-
ONLY OPEN HEARTS RECEIVE LOVE
ONLY OPEN MINDS RECEIVE WISDOM
ONLY OPEN HANDS RECEIVE GIFTS
ONLY SPECIAL PEOPLE RECEIVE THIS MESSAGE
8 LETTERS, 3 WORDS, 1 MEANING!
Actually, it took me a little while to think what it was… . mmh? Oh Yes? . . . got it… I LOVE YOU!!
I think that is lovely, and I did tell him, but it was hard to hear, from the background noise he was no doubt in Plymund getting drunk with someone, but I did hear him say that he was waiting for his divorce to come through, so I have no idea if he is still with May or not, oh, well, it sounded as if he was still in Plymund, so if that’s the case we will no doubt keep in touch somehow.
Well, with all that going on tonight, I hardly noticed that it is nearly 12 o’clock, I had 5 minutes… so I got my phone ready, and I also, went into my top drawer and took out the little bottle that Ruby (Duncan’s wife) had given me for Christmas. I didn’t realise at first I thought it as whisky, but it was Tia Maria, which I much prefer to whisky. I waited, and took the bells in myself, whilst the nurses, started coming towards the bed with a trolley of paper cups and whisky, sherry, or wine. They asked me what I would like, from the trolley, and I joked with them that it was like being on a plane, and I could call them the trolley dolly’s… so the choice was, a whisky, sherry or wine, in really classy paper cups. Gotta be careful in this ward, Jim and Sam could be in danger of causing a scene. Well, just as well I had my little bottle of Tia Maria, because the measures the nurses gave me, wasn’t enough to even ‘wet my whistle’, I wasn’t going to complain, because I had my glass of wine, albeit a small glass, and my tia maria, so I made do with that!! And to be honest, there was no point in getting even another glass, because my alcoholic head is telling me that if there’s not enough to get drunk, then why bother drinking anyway!
Well, the nurses had to go and give the rest of the ward their ‘drips’ of alcohol, and then no doubt when they were done, enjoyed the rest for themselves, through the back, because all the nurses have disappeared. I’m only pissed off because I can’t have any more to drink and they can, but drink aside, I’m just here by myself and I have no way of getting out, and even if I could I wouldn’t. No, I’m here on my own and I better get used to it! Anyway, the nurses tonight have about as much personality as mechanical dummies!!
Well well, Maclean, my wonderful godson phoned me, pissed as a newt, singing, Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline down the phone… . he is soo funny; he is also my nephew, Angela’s son, who youv’e heard me talk about loads.
This hospital is crazy, Sue (one of the older nurses) has asked me to turn off my phone because it interferes with the equipment!!! My God, it’s a bloody joke, all the young nurses are away having a quiet tipple together for the bells, left Sue in charge, and now she doesn’t even know that these machines are not affected by the mobiles!! Silly old bat, AND I’m sure she was one of my perpet
rators that time I was trying to come off morphine AND she also reminds me of the crazy mother in a drama I watched once, called CYBIL, where the girl had 16 personalities, as a coping mechanism to deal with the abuse at the hands of her mother. It was really scary, but well acted, and I can’t remember the actress’s name, the one that plays the ex-wife of Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire?, oh how annoying but it will come to me.
Aagh, this place is a friggin joke!!! It’s been a year full of mixed ups and downs, mostly downs, thanks to a certain Pete, but most of my misfortune was because of my terrible lack in taste when it came to choosing boyfriends (or should that be the other way round?) and it’s probably going to be another bad year, but what I have to remember is that, I’m here, and I’m here in order to get better, not to have a ball. I hope I haven’t been too hasty with a few of my old contact numbers e.g. Pete/Jerry—should I have left the past alone? Thing is, I’m safe cause I’m home now and I’m going to try and not let anyone influence any of my decisions. In some ways I don’t even know why I want to keep in touch with Jerry. Is it my ego? Because I know how much he loves me? Is it my ego that can’t afford to get dented? I’m a conceited, crazy, bitch and have got to stop this; even Pete thinks there is a chance!! NO, NOT NOW, NEVER!
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