Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  I struggled to reply. I had no words. My rational thought process had apparently got up and left.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear you ended things with Emma.’

  What? That’s the best you can do?

  ‘You knew I was seeing Emma?’

  Oops!

  ‘Yes. You know what office gossip is like.’ I stuttered and tripped over my words, trying not to come across as a deranged, unintelligible stalker. I heard him sigh at the end of the phone.

  ‘Yeah, unfortunately I do.’ There was silence from both of us before he relieved the tension. ‘Well, anyway, I’m hoping you won’t be sorry once you agree to go on a date with me. You know, maybe go to a gig or something?’ He let out a throaty laugh and I found myself smiling with him despite the casual piss take.

  We continued talking about everything and nothing. I thankfully regained the use of my brain cells. Luke gave me his mobile number and I messaged him immediately.

  ‘I’ve just received your text, thanks. I’ll save your number but let me just write it down. I’m not good with technology. Shit, I can’t find a pen. Hold on.’ I heard the sound of papers being lifted and drawers being opened and closed before he returned to the phone. ‘Got one.’

  It felt good to talk to him again. I latched on to his dry sense of humour and sarcasm. His voice did things to me. Good things. It was low and sexy, and I couldn’t help but interpret everything he said to me as a sexual innuendo. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling, but I could feel the smile on my face, and strangely, everything just suddenly seemed easier.

  ‘I hate it when you lose things at work, you know, pens, pencils…your inspiration,’ I said, smiling when I heard him laugh. I wanted to make him laugh again. I wanted to be the person who made him laugh like that every day. Would it be weird to ask him if I could record his laugh to keep as my ringtone? It took me two seconds to decide it was probably a bit too soon for that.

  ‘Are things that bad in the office? Aren’t you a bit too young to be disillusioned with the job? I didn’t come to the realisation that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change shit until about…hmm…I don’t know…five years in.’

  ‘I kind of think if you give up trying, you might as well find another profession,’ I replied.

  ‘That’s very true. Don’t lose your enthusiasm. Once you do, you’re fucked.’

  I smiled to myself and got lost in his words.

  ‘I would really like to see you soon. Are you free this Saturday? We could go for drinks?’

  Yes! I’ve always been free.

  ‘I would really like that. It would be great to catch up.’

  We arranged to meet outside a bar in the city. Inside, I was doing a happy dance, but restrictions of the office meant I was unable to physically do it without being in full view of too many eyes.

  I finally had a first date.

  Abi suggested that I got ready for my date at her flat. I knew she just wanted to make sure I wasn’t wearing my nun’s habit and slippers. Thankfully, Kate came to offer moral support in the form of chocolate.

  ‘You need to chill. Seriously! I can’t do anything to hide the red patches on your neck.’ Kate flicked a brush over my cheeks. I was nervous and having serious second thoughts.

  ‘Deep breaths. In and out. In and out.’

  I heard Abi snort from the kitchen. ‘That’s what he’ll be saying later!’ I swallowed the lump that appeared to have lodged itself into the back of my throat. ‘Just trying to lighten the mood. The way you’re acting, anyone would think you’re going to court to be cross examined.’

  I would have gladly chosen going to court over a first date. At least I would know what I was doing and could have bullet points for discussion. Here, I didn’t have cue cards to help the flow of conversation or dreaded first date silences. I felt completely out of my depth.

  ‘Have some wine. It will help calm your nerves.’ Kate’s eyes widened as I downed a quarter of the glass. ‘Slow down! Bloody hell! You’ll be slurring your words and dancing on the tables if you don’t stop.’

  I chose to wear a black lace top that tied at the front, skinny blue jeans, and stupidly, a pair of black heels that I failed to walk in elegantly even when I wasn’t shaking with nerves. Abi had insisted I bought them on a recent shopping trip. Unfortunately, I had trouble fitting my big toe in them, let alone the whole of my foot. This caused all sorts of problems, such as being unable to walk further than one metre, defeating the whole point of shoes.

  ‘I don’t think I can walk in these. Have you got any flats I can borrow?’ I asked as I started to rethink the whole business of heels. Abi rolled over the bed and started to fasten a silver charm bracelet around my wrist.

  ‘Elle, life is too short to drink bad coffee and tie yourself down to one cock for the rest of your life. Just like life is definitely too short to wear flat shoes,’ she replied as I noted her veiled one cock warning.

  I looked in the mirror to survey the look. My hair had been straightened and I wore a simple silver necklace that sat just above the dip of my top. The neckline was sexy but not too revealing. My jeans clung to my behind, showing off my curves perfectly. Kate had done a beautiful job with my make-up. I felt like me but a more polished version, like a bright light was shining on me. She had achieved the impossible. I actually felt good about myself.

  Abi whistled when she caught sight of me. ‘You look gorgeous. You look like a model on the cover of a magazine. No, you look better than a model on the cover of magazine because the model doesn’t even look like the model. Digital editing is totally killing self-esteem. It’s a real issue,’ she said, folding her arms. I didn’t have the energy to respond, but she didn’t take a breath before she spoke again. ‘Remember, he isn’t worth your virginity,’ she said as she held on to my shoulders like a coach giving advice to a boxer as they step into the ring.

  ‘Abi, I’m not planning on jumping him on the first date. I know you don’t get on with him, but just trust me,’ I said reassuringly.

  ‘I trust you. It’s him I don’t trust.’ She smiled, but her eyes betrayed her. I could tell she was holding in what she truly wanted to say. The telltale twist of her plaited hair around her finger gave her away. ‘Go get some experience!’ she said as she pushed me towards the door. ‘Oh, and Elle, ring me to let me know you’re OK.’ I laughed as I heard the familiar phrase—my phrase—the one I had said so many times to her but was finally hearing for myself.

  I parked close to the bar and not so silently cursed when I realised that not only did I have to walk down the hill in these bone crushers, but I also had to walk down the cobbled hill in them. Great. I looked to the sky and squeezed my eyes to try and distinguish exactly where the pain was coming from. I should have just splurged on some high-class heels and suffered the consequences later. For what they cost, I bet Louboutins would magically walk me to him with grace and ease. Why had I been sensible and spent the last of my wages replacing my car exhaust instead?

  By sheer grit and determination, which would result in blisters and blood loss, I reached the bar. Luke was standing outside checking his phone.

  ‘Hi,’ I said, all too quietly. The nervous virgin inside me didn’t want to disturb him, but the vixen in the fuck-me-heels wanted to rub my hands in his hair to make my presence clear and known.

  He looked up and smiled with recognition—and something else. Something I didn’t recognise. Something I hadn’t been on the receiving end of before.

  ‘Elle, you look amazing.’ He leant in, lightly pressing his lips to my cheek as his hand snaked around my waist. He smelled like fresh linen with a subtle hint of aftershave. I blushed at the chaste contact. I was so out of my depth.

  He continued smiling, like he could tell how much he affected me.

  ‘Shall we get a drink?’ he asked.

  His hand moved to the bottom of my back as he guided me towards the entrance of the bar. Why did I wear these heels? This was a true case of style over comfort. />
  I tried to walk as gracefully as I could, but my left heel got caught in one of the cobbled stones that had tormented me on the walk down, tripping me forward. I spectacularly fell head first into the cold, rough stone at the front of the building.

  ‘Shit! Elle, are you OK?’ He urgently bent down to look over the damage.

  ‘Fine. I’m fine.’ I tried to come across as cool, wafting my hand towards him, wordlessly telling him not to come any closer. Apart from my bruised pride, I was OK. Or so I thought. I pushed myself off the floor, brushing off the cigarette stubs and ash that decorated my palms and knees. He placed his arm around my waist to steady me.

  ‘Oh my God, you’re bleeding.’ He grabbed a napkin off one of the outdoor tables and pressed it to the side of my head. I hissed in a breath as I felt the sting of pressure, but soon smiled when I caught the sexiest look of concern on his face as he continued to cup my cheek with his hands.

  He silently raised his fingers to stroke my temple. I shivered at the gentle touch and breathlessly whispered, ‘Well, this isn’t a great start.’

  ‘I disagree.’ He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. ‘This is a great start.’

  After Luke stopped the bleeding and I convinced the manager of the bar that I wasn’t going to file a compensation claim, I went to wash my hands in the ladies’ room.

  Ouch. An angry looking graze framed the side of my head and blood had dried down my face. I looked like a nightmare, but the light sting of pain and humiliation quickly faded when I remembered his hand on my face and the gentle look of concern as he bent down before me. I had always known that he was handsome, but when his eyes were locked on mine, I felt the butterflies migrate south from my stomach to my groin.

  I could get addicted to that feeling.

  When I returned to the front of the bar, my eyes searched for him. He was standing with his back to me, his tall body hard to miss. He was six foot two with well-built and defined shoulders, definitely a gym dweller. The total opposite to me, the restaurant and cake shop dweller.

  Note to self: Join a gym so that we have more things in common.

  His shirt was beautifully stretched across his back, highlighting the definition of his muscles. His rolled up shirt sleeves showed tiny glimpses of faintly tanned skin. My eyes lingered on the large silver watch perfectly framing his wrist.

  Watch porn.

  Abi and I had decided that the usual cheesy porn clips we watched through our fingers one tipsy night didn’t match the flutters of arousal at the sight of a gorgeous man with a hefty watch.

  ‘You OK? Do you want to sit?’ he asked before walking me over to a free table where I noticed he had ordered what I presumed to be a white wine spritzer for me and a beer for himself.

  ‘I hope that’s right. I wasn’t sure what you drank, and I know you’re driving.’ I smiled as I felt his hands on my back, lightly stroking my skin.

  ‘That’s great, thanks,’ I replied, trying not to wriggle my way through the flutters. We sat side by side. His widespread legs were touching my crossed legs and caused flickers of static energy to pass between us. Bloody hell. I hoped he felt it too.

  We quickly fell into a comfortable conversation, which started to settle my nerves and make me feel at ease.

  ‘Do you remember the Wood family? That morning we were called out after neighbours had reported seeing the children covered in blood?’ he asked, tipping his bottle towards me.

  ‘How could I forget?’

  ‘When we got there and realised it was tomato sauce, we nearly cried we were so relieved.’

  It had been a challenging day. The children’s mother had mental health issues and had been sectioned by the end of our shift, but we would take that over multiple murders on our caseload any day. I was newly qualified then and had a lot to learn. Luke had supported me so much. He was an experienced social worker and was a mentor to me. I was desperate to learn the ropes. I wanted to grab them and wind them round my wrists to make them part of me.

  ‘I remember you telling me not to let one bad day get to me and that for every bad day, there were hundreds where we made a huge difference. I’ve never forgotten that.’

  He watched as I tasted my drink. ‘Wow, I was really profound back then.’ He smiled smugly as I nudged his elbow off the table. ‘Not the jaded cynic I am today.’ He pressed his lips together and looked down to the floor in an unusual show of vulnerability for him.

  We continued reminiscing about families we had worked with along the way, sad and happy stories of every possible kind of humanity. He talked with such passion about social work and his strong belief that social workers should act as advocates for the children they work with. It was intoxicating to listen to.

  ‘Let me get you another drink. Unless you can think of something else we can do?’

  His words hung in the air knotted with the sexual tension cloaked between us. His eyes lingered, but my nerves didn’t let me hold the gaze even though I desperately wanted to.

  ‘Another drink would be good, but just a Diet Coke, thanks.’

  He had a small smirk as he narrowed his eyes and tipped his head to the side. ‘Do you always blush? I’m noticing a faint red glow to your cheeks. Is that normal, or does it only happen when you’re with me? It takes me back, that’s for sure.’

  Holy fuck.

  He laughed, the expression on his face showing that he knew full well it was his close proximity and sexually charged words that were turning me all kinds of red. Did he know about my secret crush? ‘I’ll go and get us some drinks; give you a chance to cool off.’

  I watched him walk away with a small smirk attached to his face. I took the opportunity to text Abi. I fumbled around in my bag for my phone and got myself together enough to send a quick message.

  Me: He is lovely!

  Abi: Lovely? Not smoking hot and horny?

  Me: Smoking hot and I’m horny…

  Abi: Slut…

  I smiled as I put my phone back in my bag.

  ‘Important business?’ he enquired with an arched eyebrow as he returned to the table with fresh drinks.

  ‘I promised to text Abi to let her know how things are going.’

  He cracked a beaming smile. ‘What did you tell her?’

  ‘I said you were lovely.’ I blushed as I averted my eyes from his—again. What was wrong with me? Maybe my journey into the world of relationships and sex wasn’t going to come naturally to me. If I couldn’t hold his gaze, how the hell was I going to hold his penis?

  ‘That’s such a rubbish word. It’s like being described as nice or cute by your older brother’s girlfriend who you had a crush on when you were twelve. I’m going to have to do better than that by the end of the night.’

  I swore my body visibly shook. I harboured a strong desire to put my hand on his arm just to feel the biceps that were making me wish I didn’t have the restrictions of being a virgin standing in the way of dragging him to my bed.

  ‘What word are you aiming for?’ I asked boldly.

  ‘I only get one?’

  ‘Hmm, OK. Let’s rephrase that. What are you hoping I’ll say to her by the end of the night?’

  He stayed silent for a few seconds, thinking about his response. This was my blatant attempt at flirting. In my head, I high-fived myself in consideration that I may have natural abilities after all. ‘I would hope you would tell her what a great kiss we had.’

  Holy wet knickers.

  Chapter Eight

  It was getting late and the bars were growing rowdier, making it difficult for us to talk, but I was enjoying getting closer to him as it became impossible to hear what he was saying without leaning in and talking into his ear. During one conversation, I took the opportunity to smell his neck. It took every bit of willpower not to kiss it and I was only a tip of the tongue away from licking him.

  Luke had taken several opportunities to touch me during the evening, often settling his hand casually around my waist. He showed a huge preference
for tracing his fingers on my shoulder, which immediately sent a trail of goosebumps down my arms. I was basking in his attention and quickly falling in love with the feeling of just being with him. I didn’t want the night to end.

  We held hands as we left the bar. I was grateful to have his strong body to steady myself against when I tried to make it back up the hill in those bloody shoes. I seriously contemplated falling over on purpose so that he could gently tend to me again—sweeping the dirt off my knees and sliding his hands up my curves and edges. That alone would be worth adding another injury to the list.

  ‘You do know I’m going to have to explain to Abi how I managed to come back from our date covered in grazes, bruises and dried blood.’ I lowered my eyes as he laughed and squeezed my hand.

  ‘I hadn’t thought of that. She’s going to be after me. I know I’m not her favourite person but you are, so she’s going to think the worst.’

  ‘Or the best,’ I said, sighing.

  ‘The best?’

  ‘Yeah. I could tell her we got frisky in the car park and you let your passion get you a little too rough.’ I rubbed my tongue across the front of my teeth and raised my eyebrows. He laughed at my strange attempt at seduction. It came out all wrong, causing that smirk I wasn’t sure I liked yet to creep into the corners of his mouth and crinkle his eyes.

  He traced my lips with his finger but didn’t reply. I’m sure I openly groaned at the intimacy of the gesture, unsure of how to keep the noise from spilling out of my mouth, but quickly looked away and pretended the cars passing by were the most interesting things I had ever seen. So interesting I just had to keep watching.

  When we reached my car, I pointed across to it. ‘This is me.’

  I watched from the boot as he walked around to survey it.

  ‘Cool little car.’ He ran a hand over the smooth paintwork before placing both of them in his pockets. He stared over to me. We didn’t speak, but continued to watch each other, both trying to decide who was going to make the first move, or at least who was going to take the first gulp of air.