Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  A knock on the door and various muffled voices told me that Ben was in our hallway. I needed a blood transfusion and a team of make-up artists pronto. I stood and tried to calm the I’m in so much pain but I’m going to pretend I’m OK wobble to my legs. I was thrilled that he had come back to me, that we had some kind of chance, but why did it have to coincide with my near death experience and annoying life blip?

  Come on, Elle. Calm and focused. Calm and focused.

  Oh, holy ball bags! Why did he have to be so gorgeous? And why was he causally stroking the Buddha’s tummy like I did every time I entered and left the house?

  ‘Hey beautiful, I was just getting some good karma. Can’t not stroke the tummy of a Buddha.’ He smiled with his gorgeously gorgeous mouth. I hoped he was ready to catch me when I got to the bottom of the stairs. I thought I was going to collapse into a heap at his feet.

  ‘Are you superstitious?’ I asked as I grimaced through my smile.

  ‘Not hugely. I don’t get weird if I walk under a ladder or see a magpie. You know, one for sorrow, two for joy—’

  ‘Three for a girl, four for a boy.’ I finished his sentence and we smiled, drinking each other in. It felt like years had passed since I last saw him.

  Now, standing in front of me with his messy dark hair and beautiful brown eyes, I wondered if the karma gods had shipped him directly into my life as a reward for good, honest behaviour. Everything about him was perfect, even the peek of a white t-shirt underneath his black jumper and the way his jeans clung on to the ridges of his thighs. I could dissect and discuss the curves of that fine specimen of an arse all day. Maybe I could base a dissertation on it. I pulled my lip between my teeth as I fought the urge to bite it.

  I reached up on my tiptoes and planted a kiss on his cheek, noticing the tiny mole under his eyebrow that I had forgotten about but had spent collective hours staring at. I wanted to cry when I felt his arms move slowly around my back as he pulled me in for an award-winning hug. Being that close to him allowed me to drink in his amazing smell. Clean, woody, and explicitly Ben.

  ‘Are you sniffing my arm?’ he asked, his breath warming my neck.

  ‘Maybe? Would that be weird?’

  ‘Only if you let me sniff your elbow later?’ he replied in perfect deadpan delivery. ‘You look amazing.’

  ‘No, I don’t. I look like the walking dead.’ I laughed as he delicately put my denim jacket over my shoulders.

  ‘You look perfect. You couldn’t even begin to look anything less than that.’

  And there he was. I had found him again. The man who was my destiny, arranged by a higher force from the very beginning. It had taken a lifetime to find him, but he was there, holding my jacket, rubbing the belly of the Buddha, and smiling at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

  ‘Happy belated birthday. Can’t believe you didn’t tell me,’ he said, shaking his head in mock annoyance. He held out a small gift bag. ‘I hope you like them.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have got me anything. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Open them.’

  I pulled out a small jewellery box and opened the lid. Inside sat two beautiful blue diamond earrings. ‘Oh my God, they’re beautiful, but too much. I can’t accept them.’

  ‘I saw them and knew they would match your eyes. Please, I want to see you wearing them.’

  ‘I love them,’ I replied as I stood in front of the mirror and changed my hoops for the beautiful blue studs.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ he said as he stood behind me. ‘The arm sniff was amazing, by the way. I never thought a nose pressed against my arm would be a turn on for me,’ he laughed as he protectively put his arm around my shoulder. The slight tug of pain was totally worth it. ‘Don’t get too excited. We’re only going to the pub down the road. I promised your mum not to take you too far and have you back in an hour.’ He rolled his eyes at me sarcastically.

  I may have been twenty-five years old, but I could feel myself slowly morphing back into a two-year-old the more my mum fussed and worried like I had just left her womb.

  ‘Take me for dinner and then we’ll decide what we want to do next,’ I said firmly, trying to take control of my life again.

  ‘Don’t temp me,’ he muttered, his eyes full of heat as he opened the car door.

  ‘I’m not joking! His boxers were in the sink. He said some weird thing about soaking the stains. Hells bells. In. The. Fucking. Sink. What an animal!’

  He was in full flabbergasted rant mode about a roommate and their distinctly disgusting laundry routines. I didn’t need a dose of OCD to know that was highly unacceptable behaviour in a shared environment. And vile. Definitely gag inducing.

  I could listen to Ben for hours. Even the topic of his roommate’s stained underwear was turning my insides to mush.

  The pub down the road was not a place I would normally spend my Friday night. It was like stepping into a time warp. Faded plastic flowers littered the tables. Dusty wooden beams ran the length of the ceilings. It was the kind of pub that had a fascination with souvenir plates. You know the kind. They were everywhere. On the walls, behind the bar, propped up on pine dressers. The plate dedicated to Princess Diana was my particular favourite. They had even stuck a paper Union Jack above her head, the kind you would put on top of a sandcastle.

  Ben studied the cutlery with alarm as if it was going to jump off the table at any minute and stab him in the cheek. But he held his nerve, relaxed his eyebrows, and smiled in victory. I decided it wasn’t worth mentioning his trembling fingers or eye tick. God, I hoped he didn’t think this was my favourite place to eat. In truth, I hadn’t been here since the 1999 summer fair when I was eight years old.

  ‘Tell me one thing I don’t know about you yet,’ I said.

  ‘OK,’ he laughed. ‘I have hay fever, which is pretty crap for an outdoorsy person. I’m sure it’s nature’s way of punishing me for something I did in a past life just to twist the knife into everything I enjoy. Antihistamines are my drug of choice. I could get smacked off my tits on those bad boys.’

  To prove his point, he emptied his pockets. I soon found myself staring at half empty blister packs, hand gel and wet wipes.

  ‘Wow, you always come well prepared,’ I laughed.

  ‘I’m nothing but prepared,’ he said, his voice low as his knee brushed mine under the table.

  I wanted to kiss him. How long had it been? His lips were made for kissing. So full, so fleshy, and so help me I wanted to run my fingertips across them. I wasn’t sure a local pub from the bygone ages was ready for that. Even the image of Prince Phillip on the wall was frowning at me in disgust.

  ‘I saw this the other day and thought of you. I had to get a picture.’ He scrolled through his phone and handed it to me. The photo showed a sign with a white background and bold red writing saying, Private. Customer parking only. All others will be toad. ‘How amazing is that? I was desperate to send it to you but thought under the circumstances…’

  He stopped talking and smiled, dropping his eyes to the table.

  ‘I can’t tell you how happy I was when I got your email,’ he continued.

  ‘I haven’t seen or heard from Luke since that night in the hospital. I need you to know that. He came uninvited. And the night at the river was just a friend helping a friend.’

  ‘It’s not, though, is it? You’ve been more than friends. It’s just…sometimes I think he still has his fingernails digging into your skin and he won’t let go. I’m not sure if he’s clinging on to you, or if you’re holding on to him. Which one is it?’ he said quietly.

  He looked so vulnerable. Almost like he was preparing himself for an answer he didn’t want to hear.

  ‘I choose you without any doubt, without thought, and without question. As easy as taking my next breath. I knew before the attack. I just didn’t get a chance to tell you.’

  A single tear fell onto my cheek. I quickly wiped away with the back of my hand.

 
; Ben pushed his chair back, crouched down beside, me and cradled my face in his hands, a gesture that knocked all of the air out of my lungs.

  I looked into his eyes and saw that he was also crying, silently and controlled.

  His strong hand lazily stroked its way up the back of my neck and into my hair as he kissed me. Every nerve ending was alert and standing to attention. His kiss injected life into me. It whispered that he would be there to rely on, that he wouldn’t let me down but would keep me afloat and cherish me. The kiss felt familiar yet completely new, like I’d been kissing him all my life but needed to do it again just to be sure.

  A loud cough broke our kiss. We turned at exactly the same time to see a woman with a blue rinse and whiskers protruding from her upper lip. ‘This isn’t the kind of establishment that permits such relations,’ she said firmly as she cleared the table, muttering under her breath as she walked away.

  Ben smiled cutely. The corners of his eyes wrinkled sexily as I tried to calm my laugh. ‘Let’s just thank our lucky stars she isn’t a mind reader,’ he said as he swept my hair away from my ear, leaning in to whisper, ‘We would need a paramedic if she could see all the things I’ve been thinking about doing to you.’

  I couldn’t feel my face anymore. It was numb, exhausted from the smile that was now permanently attached to it.

  We talked the night away. We set the world to rights, told funny stories, laughed, flirted, skimmed across everything that was too hard until the story of his life came flooding out, entering my consciousness and making me want to protect him, hold him, love him until all the good feelings blanketed the bad.

  I told him about my dread of returning to work. He listened. He didn’t try to make suggestions or tell me how stupid I was being. He just let me talk, and it was all so easy. I even told him my worries about some of my cases, including Dani. He didn’t know the girl, but he genuinely cared. Maybe it brought back memories or could see the parallels with his life. My suspicion was confirmed when he looked to the floor and said that he wished he’d had a social worker like me looking out for him when he was a child.

  ‘You’re making a difference. It may not be huge, or even physically visible, but your care and concern will matter to her, and that’s what makes the difference.’

  ‘I’ve been thinking a lot these past few weeks. I’ve decided that it’s time to grow up and stand on my own two feet. I’m leaving the womb and cutting the apron strings. Mum’s taken it well, but I’ve noticed she’s a weird mixture of happy and traumatised.’

  ‘I bet. That’s a big decision.’

  ‘I know. I’m ready. Abi’s offered me her spare room, but I’m not sure I could cope with her twenty-four hours a day. I’m going to look into renting, maybe buying. I’m not sure yet,’ I said on a small sigh.

  ‘Abi would be a challenge to live with,’ he laughed. ‘You know, she reminds me of my grandma. In fact, my grandma is Abi in sixty years’ time.’

  ‘In that case, I’m really looking forward to meeting her,’ I said, rolling my eyes.

  I loved summer evenings, particularly when I had such a cute boy to share them with. He was so attentive. I couldn’t even blow my nose without him producing a hanky.

  We walked out of the pub laughing, both a deep shade of embarrassed after passing the watchful eyes of the narrow minded townsfolk who had married their childhood sweethearts and stayed contained within this small town, drinking in this pub every weekend and never wishing for anything else.

  ‘Have you seen the time? Your mum will kill me,’ he said, folding me into his chest.

  ‘Let’s go for a drive. Don’t take me home yet. Please,’ I whispered, drinking in the warmth of his body and safety of his touch.

  ‘Where do you want to go?’

  It took me two seconds to reply, ‘The embankment.’

  He didn’t respond at first. He just looked ahead, thinking deeply. He curled me out from under his chest, grabbed my hand, and laced our fingers together. ‘Let’s go.’

  It was raining by the time we arrived. In fact, a better description would be pelting it down.

  Typical British summertime.

  He turned the engine off and held my hand.

  ‘This is my thinking spot,’ I smiled. ‘I love it here.’

  ‘It’s a bit…wet,’ he laughed.

  ‘Come on. A bit of rain won’t hurt you.’

  ‘Let’s stay here a bit,’ he said, his voice low and sexy as his free hand wandered further up my thigh.

  ‘What do you suggest we do, Mr Newman?’

  ‘I can think of a few things.’

  His breathing was heavy and he had a mischievous glint in his eye. I wanted to feel his hands all over my body, tracing every inch of skin with his tongue until he realised that my body was made for him and only him.

  ‘You’re beautiful, Elle. Do you know that?’ He held my cheek and dropped his forehead to mine before kissing me gently on my lips. ‘You smell so good. It makes me lose my mind,’ he said as he snaked his hand under the fabric of my top, bunching it in his fist, pulling it tight across my breasts. ‘Your nipples are…demanding,’ he said with all the need he could quickly assemble to stroke against my skin. I looked down to see the stiff peaks probing against my top. ‘I want to touch them. Let me,’ he whispered hoarsely. I nodded and squirmed against the backrest as he swept his fingers across my flesh. He let out a sigh. ‘Fuck, you’re perfect.’

  ‘I need you. Take me to your place.’ I was finding it hard to keep my hands away from certain places and doing things that would have got us arrested for public indecency.

  ‘It’s late. I promised I’d have you back hours ago.’ I smiled at how ridiculous that sounded. I needed to give him a gentle reminder that I’d just turned twenty-five and didn’t need to report to my parents.

  ‘I want you so much. I’ve waited so long. You have no idea,’ he said as he held my head in his hands, pushing it back until my neck was exposed, kissing, sucking sweetly, and tracing the kisses with his splayed fingers. I was falling and he was there. He was both pushing me and waiting to catch me.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ben: I wanted you. You know that, don’t you?

  Me: You’re worth the wait xx

  Ben: That’s made me stupidly happy

  Me: We’ve waited long enough, haven’t we?

  Ben: I’ve waited my whole life. I can wait a bit longer

  I dropped the phone into the bottom of my bag and turned to my dad. He was wearing his pyjamas with a jumper over the top of his striped shirt. I shot him a confused look.

  ‘I was just going to get a newspaper, so thought I’d better make myself look decent in case I crashed the car, or something equally as hideous,’ he said, believing that his explanation made total sense. ‘How was your evening? Your Mum nearly sent out a search party when Ben didn’t bring you home at the agreed time,’ he smiled.

  ‘Dad, I’m twenty-five.’

  ‘I bet Ben was sweating. Your Mum can be pretty menacing when she wants to be.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I just mean he would be anxious about getting you home. He wants to make a good impression. It’s clear he adores you. I’m familiar with a man that will do anything to keep the woman he loves happy. I know because I see him in the mirror every morning. Only now he’s slightly more grey and weathered looking,’ he laughed and took my hand in his. ‘I sat back and let you find your way with Luke. I knew he wasn’t the one, but I also knew you would come to that conclusion sooner or later. My job has always been to guide you and set you free when you’re ready, like a butterfly finding its wings. You’ve always been a butterfly, Elle. Ben just wants to help you fly.’

  A frown followed my smile. ‘How do you know, Dad? How do you know when you’ve found the one?’

  ‘There’s no right answer or complicated mathematical equation. You just know,’ he smiled. ‘Ask yourself this. Did you ever feel Luke was the one?’

  ‘If I’m
truly honest with myself, no, never.’

  ‘Do you feel it with Ben?’

  I nodded slowly and smiled.

  ‘There’s your answer.’

  My dad was a man of few words. When he did speak, it mattered and made beautiful, perfect sense.

  ‘Elle, your phone keeps going off. Check it, please, before it wakes the kids up.’ Gem handed me the phone from across the room.

  Ben: Enjoy tonight, beautiful

  ‘Look at her. She’s the poster girl for online dating. Living, breathing proof that it can work!’ Abi laughed as she passed me the plate of spring rolls. Abi and I had regrouped over a pedicure. It felt good to fall back into our routine of friendship and laughter where there was no longer any room for men or failed relationships to dominate. My priorities had been majorly skewed but were now firmly back in place.

  ‘Come on. Clear the way for the injured,’ I smiled as I heard the text alert on my phone, expecting Ben to have sent me a random picture or a bizarre story that he just couldn’t keep to himself.

  ‘Oh my God, it’s Luke,’ I said in total shock.

  The room fell silent. Gem and Abi eyed each other. No words were spoken, but their expressions showed an unspoken communication between the two of them.

  ‘Delete it,’ Abi said firmly.

  ‘Definitely delete it,’ Gem repeated.

  Cue more uncomfortable side-glances and head gestures.

  ‘Don’t fucking do it, OK. Don’t open it. He has no reason to contact you apart from the fact he wants to mess it all up for you. His trick at the hospital proved that. He’s a wanker. He can’t have his cake and eat it. He’s eating Redhead’s cake now, not yours,’ Abi said, pointing her finger furiously at me.

  I sat down only for Gem and Abi to squash themselves next to me on a sofa designed for only two small bums or one extra large.

  ‘Hello! Personal space!’ I laughed.

  ‘He’s probably going to tell you his dog has died, or some other sob story,’ Abi hissed.

  ‘He doesn’t have a dog,’ I replied, trying to hide my grin.