Succubus Heat gk-4

by Richelle Mead

  The brown leather Mia heels I currently wore were among my favorites, but after a week now with no shape-shifting, my wardrobe was starting to make me stir-crazy. It was kind of like my hair, I realized. I hadn't realized how dependent I was on shape-shifting to enhance my appearance. I'd lauded myself for living like a human when in truth, I'd been cheating the whole time.

  Seeing my wistful look, Maddie asked, "You want to go downtown for lunch and check it out?"

  I shook my head with regret. Looking at shoes sounded a lot better than looking at rocks. "Can't. I've got to meet someone."

  "Ah, well, let me know when you get some time. You know I'm game." Silence fell, and Maddie shifted uncomfortably. She bit her lip, like she wanted to say something. I started to prompt her, but she spoke first. "So, what did you think of the condo listings?"

  "Oh, they were…" Fuck. I'd never even read through them. Roman and Dante had spent more time looking at them than I had. Which one had Dante mentioned? "They were great. I really liked that new one-the one where you can still get in on the choices and stuff."

  Her eyes lit up. "Ooh, yeah. I loved that one too. I actually looked them up on the builder's website. It doesn't look like there are many left, but there has to be at least one, or they wouldn't be listed. We should go down there and talk to them in person."

  I smiled, feeling horrible about the lie. "Sure…but it may be awhile before I can get a break. We'll have to do it and the shoe trip at the same time."

  Maddie nodded, face kind and sympathetic. "No problem. I understand."

  More silence fell, and I realized it wasn't the condos that she wanted to talk to me about. That had been a distraction to build up her own courage.

  "Maddie, what's going on?"

  Her cheery look disintegrated into something much more glum. It was startling. I was so used to her always being in a good mood that the thought of something upsetting her was on par with the laws of physics breaking down.

  She met my eyes and immediately looked away. "Oh God. I can't believe I'm about to bring this up."

  I was seriously worried now. "You can tell me. It's okay. What's up?"

  She sighed. "It's Seth."

  Oh, fuck.

  CHAPTER 22

  "What about Seth?" I asked stiffly. I waited then for the shouts, for the accusations. Any of them would have been understandable. What I didn't expect were tears building up in her eyes.

  "I think…I think something's wrong. I think he's trying to let me down easy or something."

  "Why would you think that?" I channeled Grace and Mei, keeping my face as still and expressionless as theirs.

  "He's just…I don't know. He's been so distracted lately."

  "Seth's always distracted. You know how he is with his books."

  "Yeah, I know. And it drives me crazy sometimes." I remembered her disappointment at Casey's party. "But this is something different, I can feel it. Only, I don't know what it is. He's not around much, and when he is, it's like he's with me but not with me. He always says nothing's wrong, but it doesn't feel right. And we haven't…"

  "Haven't what?" I asked, guessing the answer.

  A deep pink blush blossomed on her cheeks. "We haven't been having sex. Each time I even kind of suggest it, he's just not…well, he doesn't really seem into it."

  Talking about their sex life was one of the most painful conversation topics I could imagine, short of her realizing I was to blame for its problems. So, I kept up with my pokerfaced therapist mode.

  "How long has it been going on?"

  "About a week."

  Yup, that made sense. That was right around the time my stasis had begun. Here I'd been expecting Maddie to come after me, to pick up on one of the covert looks Seth and I had shared. But she hadn't. It had never even crossed her mind to suspect me of anything duplicitous. In fact, she'd come to me for help because I was one of the few people she trusted with something like this.

  And that made it all the worse when I had to lie to her. In any other situation, I would have advised a friend to take control of her relationship, to corner her man and not be used. And maybe…maybe I should have. If I advised her to break up with Seth, that would clear the way for us. Did I want that again? I didn't know. I still wasn't thinking past the day I would turn into a succubus again. I was living irresponsibly, focusing on the now, and continued that here with Maddie.

  My next words were spoken so winningly, so convincingly that there was no way she could ever think I didn't have her best interests at heart. I might have been relying on my succubus abilities to smooth my hair all this time, but charming and persuading people was a core part of my personality. She never stood a chance.

  "A week?" I gave her a gentle smile. "That's not very long. You can't really base a major crisis on that yet-especially when you consider who you're dealing with. I mean, like you said, you've seen him get so busy with work that he cancels or even forgets things, right?"

  "Yeah," she said, sniffling in a continued attempt to keep back her tears. "It's just never been like this. I don't know. I've never had a serious relationship. I don't know how it's supposed to work."

  "You guys have only been going out for, like, four months. It takes longer than that to really get to know someone's patterns." With a pang, I realized she and Seth had dated longer than he and I had. "This may be one you've got to get used to. He's probably stressed, and sex is the last thing on his mind-as hard as that is to believe. Give him some time. If it keeps happening, then it might be time to worry. But it's too soon now."

  I could tell by her face that my words had given her hope. "Yeah…you're probably right. But…do you think…do you think I'm doing something wrong? Should I do something different? Act differently? Dress sexier?"

  Oh God. I so did not want to be advising Maddie on how to seduce Seth. "Well…I wouldn't worry about any of that quite yet. Overthinking it'll just stress you out more. Just wait a little bit. If something's on his mind, it may take him some time to work through it."

  She'd defeated her tears and now adopted a resolute look. "Sometimes I don't know if I'm fooling myself, like that I'm just caught up in my first big romance. But, seriously, some days, I feel like I've found the one. Like if he wanted to run off right now, I'd do it." The love on her face was like a bullet through my heart. "If something's wrong, I want to help him through it."

  "I know, I know, but you still don't know what 'it' is. If it's a writing thing, he's got to work it out. If it's something else…well, I'm sure he'll come talk about it when he's ready."

  Her dark eyes were contemplative, looking at me without seeing me while she processed all of this. "You're probably right," she said at last. She gave me a small, rueful smile and shook her head. "God, I feel kind of stupid. Look at me. Some kind of champion for strong women, huh? Did I mess up my makeup? And oh God, did I really just ask that?"

  "No, it's fine. And you're not stupid. Your feelings are normal." I stood up, needing to get out of here. The room was making me claustrophobic. I had to get away from her, away from her trust. "I'm going to go do a sweep. They should be opening any minute."

  She rose as well and ran a hand over her eyes one last time. "Yeah, I've got things to do too. Thanks for listening to me." Before I could open the door, she gave me a small, fierce hug. "I'm glad you're my friend."

  With that, she left to tend to her work. Meanwhile, I wished a hole would open on the floor and swallow me up. I almost wished Nanette would show up and end my misery. Thankfully, I only had two hours until I was meeting Roman. Then I'd be free of this misery and self-loathing that Maddie was unknowingly stirring up in me. But if I'd hoped store business would prove a distraction, I was wrong. A half-hour later, an errand to the café brought me face-to-face with Seth.

  He sat at a table with his laptop and looked up as though he could sense that I was nearby. He smiled, and my heart raced. I smiled back before I could stop myself. He looked like he wanted me to come over, yet I worried abo
ut attracting attention or tipping others off. Of course, it might actually look more suspicious if I didn't talk to him, I realized. Long ago, it was perfectly common for me to stop by and chat with him. No one had ever perceived it as anything more than friendly banter.

  So, after dropping off some books, I strolled over and sat across from him. "Hey," I said, feeling warm under his gaze.

  "Hey," he replied. "You look beautiful today."

  I glanced down and laughed. Along with my limited wardrobe, I was also discovering that not doing laundry decreased my clothing options even further. I was in jeans and a plain black T-shirt today, and my hair had been lucky to get a quick brushing, let alone any real styling. I'd overslept and figured beachcombing didn't require much primping anyway.

  "Liar," I said. "I practically rolled out of bed this morning."

  "You forget that I've seen you in just about every state imaginable. You don't have to have every detail primped and perfect. You're beautiful even when you're disheveled. Sometimes more so."

  "Hey! Are you saying I'm disheveled now?"

  "No, you're somewhere in the middle of primped and disheveled. And you still look beautiful."

  I received compliments all the time, but from him, they were golden and wonderful. Even the smallest ones. "And you," I said, "seem to try to be disheveled."

  He ran a hand over his slightly messy hair. I think his intent was to smooth it, but he only mussed it further. "People spend fortunes on hair gel to get this look, you know."

  "And fortunes on shirts like that," I said, gesturing to his vintage Ovaltine T-shirt. "There are collectors who'd pay a lot of money for that on eBay."

  "I am one of those people."

  I laughed. "There's a treasure trove of T-shirts waiting for you in Vancouver, you know. I kept seeing them and thinking of you."

  With each moment that passed, I fell further and further into that electric, consuming connection between us. Love for him filled me, made me feel complete. Leaving him would have been agonizing just then, and I saw a similar sentiment for me on his face. I'd sat down, feeling guilty and conflicted over Maddie, but once I was with him…well, it was selfish and horrible, but I couldn't help but stay. And honestly, it became hard for me to fret too much over her feelings because I was too caught up in my own for him. I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to love me. And yet, I knew as soon as I left the table, I'd feel bad about her again. There was no way this could end well.

  "Do you have any more trips scheduled up there?" He lowered his voice, the flirty look now gone and replaced by concern.

  "No, I think I'm done with my international travel. I've just got to figure out things here now…or, well, they'll be figured out for me in another day or so. Things are going to return to normal with or without Jerome soon."

  His expression grew troubled, and he glanced away from me to stare out the window. We'd both known the inevitable was coming from the beginning, yet neither of us had been able to talk about it then. It looked like we still couldn't talk about it now. There were a million things we should be discussing, but all we could think about was each other. All we wanted was each other. We'd spent so much of our time with boundaries between us that now that there were none, we just wanted to childishly lose ourselves in our longings and not think about the consequences-even though the consequences would be catching up with us any day now.

  "Well," Seth said finally. "I just hope you stay safe. Are you any closer to finding him?"

  I hesitated. Roman had told me not to trust anyone. I was pretty sure that Seth wasn't going to go run off to any demons in the area and report what I said. I also suspected, however, that Seth wouldn't be happy to find out Roman was in my life again, no matter how altruistic Roman claimed to be right now. Seth wouldn't trust him. Hell, I didn't trust him.

  "I've got a few promising leads," I said finally. I thought about Grace. "Some more promising than others…I'm just not sure if I can do anything with them."

  "Still traipsing beaches? Do you need me and Kayla again?"

  "I thought she had something going on…"

  The look on his face said he would do anything for me. "Yeah, but if you really needed her, I could try to pull some strings. If you wanted."

  Oh, did I. A pleasant, aching yearning gathered in my chest. There was nothing I'd love more than to spend another afternoon with the two of them, even if it was searching for rocks. It had let me indulge in the illusion of being a family.

  "No, I'm fine." Reluctantly, I let the image go. As much as I wanted to be with them again, Roman was the better partner on my hunts now. I would rather put him at risk than Kayla, and anyway, he was more likely to be able to know what to do if we actually found what we were looking for. I glanced at the clock. "In fact, I need to finish up my work here. My shift's over soon, and I can't be late."

  Seth's face was a mixture of worry and disappointment. "No lunch, huh?"

  I couldn't be certain, but I suspected lunch with him would have involved both food and sex in some surreptitious location. Damn. I wanted both.

  Sadly, I shook my head. "I wish I could…but this comes first. I'm sorry." For half a second, I remembered Maddie in the office, so sad and heartbroken. I even thought about Dante and his compulsive spending. If I had any scrap of morality left in my damned soul, I'd tell Seth that we needed to end this, right now. But like every other time I'd told myself that, I never listened. "Maybe…maybe tonight, though…"

  Roman and I would be done searching. Dante might be around, but well…I'd deal with that later. I felt confident I could dodge any plans he might want to make. Details like that didn't matter. Only being alone with Seth again did. How could being around him affect me like this?

  He nodded, as eager as me. "Call me when you're free."

  I started to joke that I'd never be free, but that wasn't what he'd meant. Standing up, I hoped I looked like I was leaving a platonic conversation and that I wasn't actually struggling with the temptation to kiss him good-bye. We stared at each other for a few heavy moments, and with his eyes, Seth said a million things, both sweet and indecent. Walking away, I was certain that anyone who'd seen us would instantly realize what was going on-but no one seemed to be paying attention to us.

  My shift wound down rapidly after that, and as I walked home afterward, I heard invisible footsteps walking along with me. "I know you're there," I said under my breath. I didn't want anyone thinking I was crazy. "Glad to see your voyeur ways haven't changed."

  My car was parked behind my building today, and as I rounded the corner onto a quiet block, Roman materialized beside me. He looked gorgeous, smug, and dangerous. The usual.

  "I hope you had an entertaining time following me around." I took my keys out.

  "You should be a reality show," he said. "It's that good. And you know, I might be a totally unstable former assassin, but man. You manage to shock even me."

  "Oh, be quiet," I snapped. I unlocked the car doors and slid into the driver's side. "Your snarky commentary is neither wanted nor appreciated."

  "It's not commentary. It's me thinking aloud. It has nothing to do with you, really, nor does it require any response on your part."

  "This is it, isn't it?" I asked, pulling out of the parking spot. "This is why you aren't going to kill me. You're going to just torture me for the rest of eternity. Long suffering, right?"

  He grinned, flashing perfect white teeth against his tanned skin. It triggered a memory in me, how I'd once found that so attractive. Now, though, my fear and unease blocked any sort of desire.

  "I suppose that's one way of looking at it. And besides, don't act like there isn't some part of you that secretly enjoys playing this eternally woeful, tormented role. If you were happy, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself."

  "That's not true." I was surprised to feel myself blushing. "Stop trying to fuck with me."

  "I'm just intrigued, that's all. You wear this mask of moral superiority. So does Mortensen
. Yet, here you two are, sneaking around."

  "You don't understand. We're in love." The wry look Roman gave me immediately made me regret my words.

  "Oh, I understand. Believe me, I do." I kept my eyes on the road. He had once told me he loved me, and I'd thrown it back in his face. "If you guys were so in love, why'd you break up in the first place? You were fawning all over each other the last time I saw you."

  "For a lot of reasons," I mused. "It's complicated."

  "It always is."

  I sighed. Edmonds was about twenty five minutes away. This was going to be a long drive.

  "Well, not that it's any of your business, but I mean, there were a lot of things going on. We were having communication problems, for one thing."

  "How terribly mundane."

  "And I was starting to freak out-you know, about how he could die. I didn't think I could handle that." I waited for Roman's snide response to that, but there was none. "And, of course…I mean, there was always sex. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't stand the thought of stealing part of his life away. Our love wasn't dependent on sex…but well, it still muddled things up."

  "And now you have no problem with sex."

  "Because I can't hurt him now! Look, I can't help the timing-or the fact that we still care about each other."

  "Or the fact that each of you have significant others." Now I stayed silent. Roman tipped his head back against the seat thoughtfully. "In all my observations this week, I've got to admit, I like Maddie."

  "I like her too," I said quietly.

  "But that guy you're dating? Well, I think you can do better."

  "I'm almost starting to wish you'd kill me."

  "Oh, I've thought about it," he said. To my dismay, the joking was gone from his voice.

  Again, I refused to look at him. "I'm sorry…about Helena. I never meant for that to happen."

  Roman gave a laugh that sounded like it choked him. "Oh? What did you think would happen, then? A slap on the wrist? I survived it, and I was still in pretty bad shape."

  "You said you were going to kill Carter. And I didn't know who else you'd go after," I said quietly. "I didn't know what else to do. There was no easy option for me."