by Carrie Elks
Now it was gone and it hurt like hell.
Poppy had climbed into bed without as much as a complaint, falling straight to sleep in spite of her earlier nap. The house was quiet and dark. The silence bounced off the walls, reminding her how alone she was. That she wasn’t even worth fighting for.
Juliet followed her bedtime routine on autopilot. Washing her face, cleaning her teeth, climbing into her fleecy pyjamas. Though the heating was cranked up to high, she still felt bone-cold. She climbed into bed, pulling the quilt tightly around her, but her body was still shivering beneath the blankets. A few moments later, she heard the padding of bare feet on the floorboards outside the room. Poppy pushed the door open and closed the short distance to the bed, wordlessly climbing in and hugging Juliet close.
When was the last time Poppy had slept in her bed? Juliet couldn’t even remember. Maybe when she was a toddler, afraid of the dark, searching for comfort wherever she could find it.
Juliet hugged her daughter back, stroking her hair as Poppy nestled into her, closing her eyes tightly. Maybe another day she would have carried her back to bed, and stayed there until Poppy fell asleep. But not tonight.
Because tonight she needed the comfort as much as her daughter did.
Poppy woke before Juliet the next morning. The first thing she knew was the sound of the bathroom floorboards creaking as Poppy made her way to the bathroom. A minute later the sound of the flush followed by running water was enough to tell Juliet her day had started. She glanced in the mirrored door of her closet, seeing the telltale red rings around her eyes. Her skin was sallow, her cheeks thin, and her red hair – usually so wavy – hung limply below her shoulders.
She was a mess.
Somehow she managed to get Poppy ready for school. Hair was brushed, lunch was packed, and as usual she had to remind her three times to brush her teeth before Poppy finally relented, managing to walk to the bathroom while rolling her eyes at the same time. Her neediness of the previous night had disappeared, replaced by her usual Poppy-like strength. Even though it meant more work for Juliet, she was glad to see her daughter’s fighting spirit was back.
They were only a couple of minutes late arriving at school. Juliet pulled into a tiny space at the far end of the parking lot, wincing at the expensive models she was sandwiched between.
‘Open the door carefully,’ she reminded Poppy.
‘I know.’ Another eye roll. Goodness only knew what she’d be like when she was a teenager. Juliet squeezed out of the narrow opening of her door, watching Poppy carefully doing the same. They followed the painted walkway around the edge of the parking lot, walking to the tall, brownstone buildings set in wooded parkland. This was what $8000 a term got you; the best education in the best surroundings.
Seeing her friends filing into the classroom, Poppy gave Juliet a quick hug then ran towards them, her braid flying out behind her. This time Juliet let her smile shine through – she was so happy to see her daughter’s high spirits.
‘Oh Juliet, I was going to call you. We’re looking for volunteers to help decorate the classroom next weekend,’ Susan Stanhope called out. She was standing in a circle with three other class moms. Juliet recognised Emily and Marsha – she’d known them for three years after all – but the third woman was new to her. Beautiful, too, even with her hair pulled back into a messy bun and no make-up on. The woman turned to look at her, a curious expression on her face.
‘I have to work on Saturday,’ Juliet said, standing five feet away from the women. ‘What time were you planning on getting here?’
‘Oh, I forgot.’ Susan wrinkled her nose. ‘That must be such a pain, having to give up your weekends.’
‘It keeps a roof over our heads.’ Juliet tried to keep her voice even. ‘Anyway, I can donate some floral arrangements if that helps? I’ll get my assistant to deliver them.’
‘You work in a flower shop?’ the woman beside Susan asked. ‘That’s cool.’
‘I own it,’ Juliet said. ‘It’s only small, but it’s mine.’
Unlike the others, the brunette didn’t seem at all fazed by Juliet’s admission that she actually had to earn her own living. ‘I’m Sheridan, by the way. Charlie Sutherland’s mom.’ She offered a slim hand to Juliet. Stepping forward, Juliet took it, shaking briefly, trying not to look too curious.
‘I’m Juliet Marshall. Poppy’s mom.’
Sheridan’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Poppy from next door?’
She nodded. ‘That’s us. If we make too much noise feel free to yell across.’
‘I love your place, the garden is so pretty. You guys must have so much fun there.’
Sheridan clearly hadn’t received the mean girls’ memo of being rude to Juliet. And as much as she’d wanted to resent this woman, the one who had an unbreakable connection with Ryan, Juliet found herself warming to her.
‘Isn’t Sheridan lovely?’ Susan interjected in her high voice. ‘Ryan’s a lucky man, right? I told her how so many moms have been hanging on his every word. But she’s the one who gets to live with him.’ She gave Juliet a knowing look.
‘Oh, we don’t live together,’ Sheridan replied. ‘We’re not together at all. The two of us are co-parents, though Ryan has primary custody.’
Susan couldn’t have looked any more appalled if Sheridan had just told her she practised satanic worship. She wrinkled her nose, looking the new arrival up and down, her eyes shifting from left to right as she tried to think up something to say.
‘Anyway, I don’t think Ryan’s on the market right now. From what I can tell he’s fallen for somebody.’ Sheridan grinned, catching Juliet’s eye. ‘But he’s like all men, kind of stubborn, if you see what I mean.’
‘Well, I should get going. I have a pedicure booked in for nine-thirty.’ Susan turned to look at Marsha and Emily. ‘Coffee at my place later, ladies?’
‘Sure thing. See you there.’
The three of them walked away without bothering to say goodbye, leaving Juliet and Sheridan standing there. ‘I guess I should go, too. I need to open the shop,’ Juliet said.
‘That’s a shame, I was going to ask you over for coffee,’ Sheridan said. ‘I don’t know anybody here, and I was hoping you could give me the inside track.’
‘Didn’t Ryan give it to you?’
Sheridan laughed. ‘You know Ryan, he wouldn’t see the inside track if you waved it right in front of his eyes. Take those women, he’d think they were just being friendly. But you know and I know they’re bitches, and they were trying to put you down. He’s so blind to that kind of thing.’
‘Aren’t all men?’
‘Damn right they are!’ Sheridan nodded. ‘Are you sure you can’t come over for a coffee?’
Juliet glanced at her watch. ‘I guess I could come over at lunchtime. My assistant gets in at eleven, she can watch the shop for a couple of hours.’ Juliet reminded herself to give Lily a huge Christmas bonus. She’d earned it this year.
Sheridan’s face lit up. ‘That would be great.’
‘Are you sure Ryan won’t mind?’ Juliet rolled her lip between her teeth. ‘You could always come to mine if he does.’
‘He’ll be at the airport by then, his plane leaves this afternoon. So it’ll be just us girls.’
Juliet nodded, trying to ignore the ache in her heart. He was going through with it, then. Maybe that was a good thing. Once he was gone, she might be able to breathe again, because right now, just remembering to inhale was taking every ounce of energy she had.
‘Sorry about the cases, I haven’t managed to unpack yet.’ Sheridan led the way, weaving through the red leather luggage stacked in the hallway. ‘I’m only supposed to be here for a few days. I definitely over-packed.’ They reached the kitchen, where Sheridan grabbed the coffee pot, filling it with water. ‘Decaff okay with you?’
‘That would be great.’
‘Take a seat,’ Sheridan said, gesturing at the breakfast bar. ‘I’ve got some bread if you want a sandwich. I bet
you haven’t had a chance to eat any lunch.’
Juliet slid onto the white plastic stool. ‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Ah I wish I wasn’t. I’ve been eating like a horse. I swear this thing inside me is a goddamn cannibal.’ She rubbed her stomach. ‘It’s weird isn’t it, you spend the first three months throwing everything up, and then the next three eating everything in sight. I’m a slave to my hormones.’
‘You’re pregnant?’ Juliet asked, hypnotised by the slow circular movements Sheridan’s hand was making on her stomach.
‘Yeah, nearly four months. I’m as big as a house already.’
Juliet laughed. There was nothing to her. ‘You look tiny.’
‘I’m wearing baggy pants.’ She pointed at her drawstring black trousers. ‘Mostly because I can’t fit into any of my jeans. I keep growing out of my clothes, hence all the suitcases.’
The coffee machine started to splutter and steam. Sheridan opened a cupboard door, then closed it right away, opening the next one before scratching her head.
‘The mugs are in the one in the corner,’ Juliet told her.
Sheridan turned around to look at her, putting her hands on her hips. ‘And how would you know that?’ she asked in an amused voice.
Juliet feigned an easy shrug. ‘I’m a neighbour. I’ve had coffee here before.’
Sitting on the opposite stool, Sheridan slid a mug of steaming decaff over to Juliet. ‘Just coffee?’ she asked lightly.
Juliet leaned forward. ‘Sometimes he gives me a cookie, too,’ she whispered.
Sheridan coughed out a laugh. ‘You’re full of shit. I know that something’s going on between the two of you. I’m not stupid, I can put two and two together. First of all you and Poppy are all Charlie talks about, and then I get a phone call telling me that Ryan’s hit your husband on the jaw and is going to jail. And then there’s the way he sulked around the house ever since I arrived, with a face like a stormy night in November.’
Juliet felt strangely cheered by Sheridan’s description of Ryan. At least she wasn’t the only one feeling low. ‘There’s nothing going on between us. Not any more.’
‘Bull.’ Sheridan stared at her over the rim of her coffee cup. ‘I know there’s something going on. What I don’t know is why he’s running away from it.’
‘He isn’t running away. He has to sort out his new job. It’s important to him.’ Juliet put her mug down, rubbing her bottom lip to capture a bead of coffee there. ‘He never promised me anything.’
‘So there was something going on?’
Juliet traced her finger around the rim of her cup, the tip squeaking as it completed the circle. How on earth did she end up here, sitting opposite the ex of her ex – and wasn’t that a mess in itself – trying to explain what on earth happened between her and Ryan? He and Sheridan had an unconventional relationship at best. After all, she seemed completely comfortable grilling her about the two of them, while sitting in his house. But did she really want to hear the details of what happened between them?
More importantly, was Juliet comfortable talking about it?
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. ‘I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know how to explain whatever it was that was going on between us. All I know is it’s over. He made no bones about that.’
‘What makes you think it’s over?’
An almost laugh rumbled from her chest. ‘Oh I don’t know, the fact he said it was. Not to mention the small detail of him leaving town like his ass is on fire.’
‘Ah, but he’s a man. They’re stupid, remember?’
She met Sheridan’s amused stare. ‘Yeah, you’ve got that right.’ She couldn’t believe how easy it was to talk to this woman. It reminded her of Saturday nights in the kitchen surrounded by her sisters, as they giggled about boys. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Sure.’ Sheridan gave a shrug. ‘It’s not as if I can refuse is it? I’ve been grilling you for the last ten minutes.’
‘Why did you and Ryan split?’
‘You think we were a couple?’ Sheridan raised her eyebrows. ‘Did he tell you that?’
Juliet blinked rapidly, trying to remember exactly what Ryan had told her about Charlie’s mom. They’d barely spoken about her, beyond the fact she was touring with a band while Ryan looked after Charlie. ‘Not really. He said you met while travelling in Asia. I guess I filled in the blanks myself.’
‘Wrongly, by the sound of it.’ Sheridan grinned to take the sting from her words. ‘We were never a couple. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ry, but he drives me crazy, too. Even if he didn’t, he’s totally not my type. So un-rock ’n’ roll.’ She shuddered. ‘Whereas Carl is totally my type.’
‘Carl’s your boyfriend?’ Juliet asked, confused.
‘My fiancé,’ Sheridan said, lifting her hand and waving it until the diamond on her finger caught the light. ‘And this little monster’s father.’
‘I’m going to look really stupid here,’ Juliet said, trying to work out what she was missing, because it didn’t make sense at all. ‘But if you and Ryan were just friends, then how did Charlie happen?’
‘Tequila,’ Sheridan replied, her eyes widening as if to emphasise her words. ‘And pure idiocy. We were good friends, and we decided to travel to Koh Samui together. Even acted as each other’s wingmen on the way. But one night we drank too much and everything else is a blackout. When we woke up in the morning we took one look at each other and promised we’d never mention it again.
‘But then I missed a period, and another, and before I knew it I was at the doc’s having my pee tested. And once Charlie arrived we had him DNA-tested, too, just to make sure he was Ry’s.’
‘He told me he doesn’t like being called Ry,’ Juliet said, trying to take everything in. She’d always thought Sheridan was a lost love, but the fact she wasn’t a rival – past or present – made Juliet happier than she could say. Because she really liked the woman.
‘I know.’ Sheridan nodded happily. ‘That’s why I call him it. Drives him crazy.’
Juliet couldn’t help but laugh. ‘What do you call Carl?’
‘Asshole, mostly. Honey if I’m in a good mood. Which hasn’t been often in the past three months.’
Juliet tipped her head to the side. ‘Will you go back on tour when Ryan gets home?’ If he gets home. Juliet still couldn’t help feeling that he was leaving for good, in spite of what he and Sheridan said.
And in the end it didn’t matter. Either way he didn’t want her.
‘I don’t know,’ Sheridan admitted. ‘We’re looking for a rental in New York right now. Carl’s planning to fly in for Christmas so I’m hoping to have something by then. It would be nice to be near Charlie, I miss him, you know? Even if his dad does drive me crazy. No offence meant.’
‘Do you really think Ryan’s coming back?’ Juliet asked her, unable to swallow the question down any more.
‘He’ll be back. I’ve no doubt about that.’
‘Because he’s got a court case?’ Juliet asked. ‘Or because he’s buying the wharf?’
‘He is? I had no idea.’ Sheridan shrugged. ‘And anyway, of course he’s coming back. I’ve never seen him in such a mess. The cool, calm, irascible Ryan Shaw Sutherland is all crazy and het up. And if he thinks he can run away from all those feelings, he’s gonna have a big surprise.’
‘Maybe he’s not as messed up as you think.’
‘Oh, he’s definitely messed up over you.’ Sheridan nodded her head. ‘You wanna see how I know?’
Juliet gave a half-smile. ‘You’re not going to go through his underpant drawer are you?’
‘Hell no. Even I draw the line at some things.’ Sheridan hopped off her stool. ‘Come with me, I want to show you something.’
Intrigued, Juliet followed her out of the kitchen and into the hallway, where Sheridan came to a stop at the door to the basement. She unlocked it and pushed it open, flicking on the light to illuminate the stairwell. Sheridan ran lightly d
own the steps, with Juliet behind her, until they reached Ryan’s darkroom at the bottom.
‘Should we be coming in here?’ Juliet asked. A sudden image grabbed her mind. ‘We’re not going to find dead bodies or something are we?’
‘He’s not Bluebeard,’ Sheridan said. ‘He’s not scary enough for that.’ Pushing open the door, she turned to look at Juliet. ‘But you should probably prepare yourself. Because there are definite signs of an obsession here.’
They walked into the small room, the light from the stairwell spilling in behind them. Juliet looked around, her eyes becoming accustomed to the dim light, taking in the photos fixed onto the walls, hanging from the drying lines, piled on the countertops.
A few of them were of Charlie. Another couple of the boat. But the vast majority – at least twenty of them – had a single subject.
Juliet.
She swallowed hard as she circled around, looking this way and that. Images of her kneeling down and weeding her flowerbeds, pictures of her standing on the deck of his boat, her hair flying behind her as they sailed through the bay. Still more showed her staring into the distance, a small smile playing at her lips, or kneeling down talking to Charlie and Poppy, as she pointed something out.
It felt strange to be surrounded by so many photographs of herself. And yet they were beautiful. Somehow he had taken something mundane and made it extraordinary. The curve of her arm, the shine of her hair, the smoothness of her skin were all explored in extraordinary detail.
‘Tell me these weren’t taken by a man obsessed.’
Julie turned to look at Sheridan. For a moment she’d forgotten she was there. ‘I never knew he was taking these.’
‘Of course you didn’t. But they’re beautiful, aren’t they?’
She nodded. ‘They really are.’ Where she’d felt so empty before, Juliet could feel a pressure building inside her, a well of emotions mixing and bubbling. ‘Why did he take so many?’ she wondered.
