Huntington Family Series

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  Later in the truck, Ryan started the engine but made no effort to begin driving. The air was cold, but Kerrianne felt almost too warm in her coat.

  “Kerrianne,” he said, “I know I’m doing this all wrong. I’d planned to put it in your drink or something fancy like that. Or have the waiters present it and sing you a song, but I froze, and I feel—” He broke off but almost immediately continued. “From that very first night when you came to see my play—well, maybe not exactly that first night, though there was a certain chemistry between us even then. But I think I knew for sure that day at Macey’s when you were surrounded by all that falling chocolate. That was when I knew I wanted to be with you.” His voice deepened. “Kerrianne, I love you, and I want more than anything to marry you and take care of you and your kids. I want to make you happy.”

  He took his hand from his coat pocket and held out a box with a ring. “Will you marry me?”

  Kerrianne didn’t take the ring, though it was a beautiful piece with a unique square center diamond she had admired in a jewelry ad at some point in their relationship. She stared at it, wondering how she could possibly refuse. How easy it would be to fall into his arms and let her feelings for him take over the moment! But if she did that, she’d lose Adam for good. Ryan would fill up all the memories and cracks in her life until there would be no place for what had once been.

  “Ryan, I can’t.” The words came out in a whisper, sounding harsh to her ears.

  “I’m not Adam, and I don’t want to replace him. I just want us to go on and be happy. To build a life together.”

  “Ryan, I know we’ve become good friends . . .” She trailed off.

  “Friends?” He spat the word like a curse. “Friends don’t feel about each other the way we feel.”

  She couldn’t deny that. Her traitorous eyes caressed his face, her mind pondered how wonderful his lips would feel against hers.

  “Is it Adam?” he asked gruffly. “Or you not being sure about us?”

  She seized upon that as a way out of this difficult situation. “You’re the first man I’ve dated since Adam. I don’t really know if—if—if it’s right.”

  “You’re not sure about us.” He said it as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

  “And then there’s Misty. She’s really upset about everything.”

  “I’m working on that. I have some really great ideas I’m sure will work—eventually.”

  She shook her head and said softly, her heart aching, “I think we’d better back off.”

  “So you’re not saying never, you’re just saying not now.”

  That wasn’t what she was saying. As much as she cared about Ryan, she wouldn’t lose Adam for him. “I think we should date other people,” she said firmly, not really caring if she ever dated anyone again, but understanding it was a way out. Tears threatened to fall, but she held them back, not looking at him so he wouldn’t see the truth.

  He slammed his hand against the steering wheel, but Kerrianne didn’t feel in danger. She knew he was upset, but that he would quickly regain control. For a long moment, he didn’t speak. Heat blasted out at them from the dash, like bad sound effects in a horror movie. After a moment, he seemed to make a decision. “I guess I misunderstood our relationship,” he said evenly. “I can’t force you to be a part of my life, but I would appreciate it if you would come with me somewhere for a moment so I can show you something.”

  She couldn’t exactly refuse when he’d asked so nicely. Besides, she trusted him. “Okay.”

  Without another word, he put the truck in gear and began to drive.

  Forty-five minutes later, they pulled into a church parking lot. He opened her door and helped her out of the truck, his hands gentle, though his face was stoic.

  Inside, she could hear music. “Ryan, why are we here?”

  “You haven’t been in the singles scene long. I mean out there dating. You say you want to date, and I thought I’d show you what’s available. Help you choose.” His voice was steady but slightly pained, as though he wished he hadn’t brought her here. They hadn’t attended any singles events since they’d begun dating.

  He paid the dance fee for both of them, and they went inside where people were already dancing. As they walked along the wall, Kerrianne regretted that they were not there on a regular date. She would have liked to dance with Ryan again.

  “What about that guy right there?” He pointed to a blond man who was talking animatedly to a group of women. He reminded Kerrianne of Adam in his stance and the color of his hair.

  At one time she’d been drawn to people who looked like Adam. She’d searched for him in the way people laughed, the way they talked or rested their chin on their hands. Maxine had told her that was how the heart kept the hope alive that he was still out there, that she would be with him again. But the similarities had always brought such a deep sadness that she’d stopped looking for that years ago.

  “Handsome, huh?” Ryan asked.

  Kerrianne had to nod, though the man was no temptation to her.

  “Yeah? Well he just got out of prison. Tax evasion. Want to meet him? I guess the authorities could have been wrong.”

  “No, that’s okay.”

  “What about him?” He pointed to a man with black hair the same color of Ryan’s, though without curls. Kerrianne sort of liked his dark, dangerous looks. He was dancing with a blonde woman, and they seemed to be having a good time.

  “Well?” Ryan asked.

  “He looks nice.”

  “Nice?” Ryan snorted. “He beat his ex-wife and she finally divorced him. He’s still in counseling, and we hope he’ll be able to overcome his anger some day, but it’s going to take awhile.” He pointed to another handsome man with sandy blond hair. “That guy there has three ex-wives and pays alimony to all of them. That’s okay if you plan to support yourself.”

  “Not everyone here’s been married before.”

  “No, but the ones who haven’t been married before tend to date others who haven’t. A good thing, really. They deserve a chance to have what we had without the added complications.”

  Kerrianne hadn’t thought of it that way.

  Ryan looked around and spied another man, older and quite nice-looking, one Kerrianne faintly remembered dancing with. He whirled by with a dark-haired woman, leaving behind a vague aroma of body order. “That guy will never get married again,” Ryan said. “He just comes to find new girlfriends to date. Always sends them flowers.” Kerrianne swallowed hard.

  “And he”—Ryan pointed to a man with brown hair that was so drop-dead gorgeous Kerrianne blinked when she looked at him—“used to be one of my good friends, until my children got in the way. He hasn’t tried to see his own children in two years. Oh, and that red-haired guy? Well, he’s still dating his ex.”

  Kerrianne was beginning to understand. He’d brought her here to show her that her choices were limited, that he was a good catch by comparison. “Are you saying all these men are jerks?”

  “Not at all. I’m saying they all have issues and challenges far beyond what you might think, and it’ll take more effort than you ever imagined to make a relationship with any of them work. Way more than the first time around. It’s not impossible, but the odds are against you—especially for the women. And the guys who really want families, the ones with less hang-ups and baggage, are snatched up pretty quickly, usually within months. At least that’s what I’ve seen.”“

  Kerrianne had a terrible feeling he was right, but she wasn’t willing to give in so easily. “So what does that say about you? If the good guys are snatched up so quickly, why aren’t you married?”

  He was silent for several long seconds before saying. “I’ve asked myself that same question many times, but now I know the answer. It’s because I was waiting for you.”

  Kerrianne sucked in a breath. He was waiting for her. Her!

  “Go ahead,” he continued. “If you want to go out with any of these guys, I thi
nk you should. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for. Or maybe someone new will join the crowd. But maybe, just maybe, what you’re looking for is right here in front of you. Then again, by the time you realize that, it’ll be too late.”

  “Are you giving me an ultimatum?” Kerrianne was amazed. Hadn’t she just turned down his marriage proposal?

  The music changed at that moment, a soft crooning love song. “My children love you,” Ryan said, his voice sounding suddenly loud. “I love you. I can’t say it any better than that. We need you, too. And unless you’re heading at least partly in that direction, then it’s not fair for us to hang on the line while you date a million other guys. So, yes, I want an answer. Not meaning that you have to commit, but just that you’ll give us a good shot. If you do, I’ll try to be patient, which you know I don’t do easily. On the other hand, I’ve been praying every day to find a partner to share my life with, and if you’re not interested at all in being that person, if you’re not praying to know if I’m the one, I have to keep searching. I owe that to myself, and to my children. And even to Laurie.”

  Kerrianne felt his words deeply. He’d been praying to find someone to build a future with, to find a mother for his children, a companion to love, while she had been praying only to feel the presence of her dead husband. What did that say about her? Didn’t she care for her children? What about a father for them? What about someone to help her through life? To love her?

  “Take me home, Ryan. I need to think.”

  He nodded, and they were moving toward the door when Maxine overtook them. “I didn’t know you guys were coming. Come on. We’re all over there.” She pointed vaguely to the far side of the room.

  “Not tonight, Maxine.” To her chagrin, Kerrianne began to cry.

  Maxine looked at her and then at Ryan. “What’s going on? More games?”

  “Maxine, will you take me home?” Kerrianne didn’t look at Ryan, unwilling to see the hurt in his eyes—if it was there.

  “Of course I will.” Maxine hugged her, and the smell of her perfume was sweet and comforting. “Now, don’t worry, Ryan. I’ll get her home. You go on.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. You can call her tomorrow.”

  Kerrianne knew he wouldn’t, not after tonight.

  Ryan still refused to leave, so Maxine settled Kerrianne on a chair and went to have a private talk with him.

  Kerrianne had no sooner composed herself when a man asked her to dance. It was the guy who’d reminded her of Adam.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m waiting for someone.” And then, because she’d seen that she’d hurt his feelings, she changed her mind. “Okay, let’s dance.”

  Up close, he really wasn’t like Adam as much as she’d thought. Adam had been a much better dancer, and Kerrianne was glad she’d agreed to the dance. This is what I need, she thought, trying to dismiss Ryan from her mind.

  They exchanged basic information, which included her status as a widow, though she didn’t go into details. The man’s name was Ben, and he’d been divorced a year. He didn’t mention tax fraud.

  “It was nice meeting you,” Kerrianne said when the music ended. She was glad he didn’t ask for another dance.

  The guy with body odor was heading her way, so Kerrianne turned around and ran smack into Gunnar. “Hey,” he said, smiling. “You’re here.”

  “Yes, I guess I am.”

  In minutes, Kerrianne was dancing with Gunnar, who could really be quite charming, though he still tried to hold her too closely. At one point, Kerrianne glanced toward the door and saw Ryan standing with Maxine. Their eyes met briefly. Ryan leaned over, whispered something to Maxine, and then turned and left the dance. Kerrianne bit her lip to stop from calling after him.

  “Thanks,” she said to Gunnar when the dance ended. “I have to go see Maxine for a minute.”

  “Wait.” Gunnar led her to a chair away from the music. “I was hoping we could talk for a minute. Maybe make plans to go out.”

  Kerrianne thought about it. She’d told Ryan she wanted to date other people, and maybe she really should.

  “Okay,” she said, blinking hard in case the tears decided to return.

  Gunnar shifted a little nervously. “There’s only one thing I’d like to know,” he said. “We haven’t really talked about this yet, and I’ve been meaning to bring it up.”

  “What?” She was curious now.

  “Well, are you sealed to your husband?”

  “Of course we’re sealed.” What kind of question was that?

  He sighed. “I was afraid you were.” He stood up and brushed his hands on his pants. “I think it’s better that we don’t go out after all. I’m sure you understand. I want to find someone I can be sealed to forever. Thanks for the dance.”

  Kerrianne watched him go, too stunned to do anything but sit there. Ryan’s right, she thought. There’s so much beneath the surface here that I didn’t see. And I don’t want to see—not any of it! I’ve got to get out of here. Suddenly, she didn’t care if she ever saw a man again—any man.

  “There you are,” Maxine slid into the seat Gunnar had vacated. “I wondered where you’d got to.”

  “Is Ryan okay?” Kerrianne asked.

  “He’ll live. He went home. I told him to give you some space.”

  “He told you?”

  “That he asked you to marry him? Yes.” She waited, but Kerrianne wasn’t ready to talk about it.

  “Did he tell you about his promotion?” Maxine asked. “They made him a supervisor.”

  “No. I guess there wasn’t time.” She felt even worse knowing he hadn’t been able to share his good news. She knew how much it meant to him.

  “There’s always later.”

  Kerrianne wasn’t so sure. “So has Harold kissed you yet?” she asked, determined to change the subject.

  Maxine shook her head. “Probably give him a heart attack anyway. He makes me so mad I broke our date tonight and came here instead.”

  “Maybe Bernice is right. We loved our husbands. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe we shouldn’t even think about getting married again.”

  “Bernice? Ha, that old faker!” Maxine made a rude sound with her lips. “Didn’t you hear? She’s going out with someone, and rumor has it that things are getting serious.”

  Kerrianne blinked, feeling suddenly disoriented. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  “Nope. I was just as shocked, believe me.”

  “But who’s she’s dating?”

  “Remember that man about Harold’s age who smells like mint all the time?”

  “You said he was seeing someone.”

  “Yeah—Bernice. They met here at the dance that first night, and he’s been courting her ever since.”

  “I can’t believe it.” Here Kerrianne was facing the prospect of living the rest of her life alone, and Bernice was cozying up with Mint Breath!

  “Even Bernice knows when to admit she’s wrong.” Maxine looked at her pointedly.

  Kerrianne sighed. “Maxine, I really need to go home.”

  “Okay, dear, let’s go. I’m not having much fun here anyway.”

  When Kerrianne entered her family room a while later, her children eagerly jumped up from the couch to greet her. They were surprised to see her home alone, since Ryan always came in with her. “Where’s Ryan?” Misty asked as they smothered her with exuberant hugs.

  “We saved him some chocolates,” Benjamin added.

  Kerrianne looked into the faces of her children. “He went home.” She could tell they were disappointed, even Misty.

  “We can save them until tomorrow.”

  “I’m sure that’ll be fine.” Kerrianne looked at Lexi, who was watching her from the couch. “Lexi, will you put the kids to bed and everything? I’m really tired.”

  “Sure.”

  Nodding her thanks, Kerrianne swept past her children and up the stairs, feeling like a liar for not telling them they wo
uldn’t be seeing Ryan tomorrow. For not admitting that they might never see him again.

  Then again, there was always the mail, delivered by morning light—at least until Ryan’s promotion kicked in. Now the waiting for it would hold an entirely new meaning. She only hoped she could live with her choice.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Kerrianne looked at herself in the bathroom mirror as she removed her makeup, her mind replaying the horrible evening that had started out like a fairytale in that beautiful restaurant.

  “Is this what you wanted?” she whispered to herself. “To send Ryan away? To live the rest of your life alone?”

  She had to admit that it wasn’t. She’d been acting more from fear than from anything else. Worse, she hadn’t even told Ryan the truth.

  Yeah, right, she thought. What could I say? Ryan, I’m afraid that if I let myself love you, I’ll lose the tiny bit I have left of Adam. What would he have said to that?

  She already knew. He’d say, “But it’s not me who’s making that happen. You told me yourself you hadn’t felt him much in the past six months. That’s long before I came along.”

  So what was the truth? What did she want? What was best for her children?

  She simply didn’t know.

  Pray. Ryan had asked her to pray.

  After Adam’s death, prayer had become a staple in Kerrianne’s life, the only way to get from one day to the next. She had felt her Savior near, and at times His comfort had been the only thing standing between her and giving up. But she hadn’t needed Him in that desperate way for more than a year now. She had slipped back into her old routine, forgetting how much He had supported her during the toughest time in her life.

  Almost blindly, she stumbled into her walk-in closet, driven by a need for privacy, though Lexi would likely keep the children downstairs and quiet until their movie was over.

  Not one of her clothes racks was empty. The place where Adam’s clothes had been was now filled with outgrown clothing from the children or outfits bought on clearance that were still too big for them. She’d given most of Adam’s things away, though she’d saved a few items for the children. She kept only his pajamas for herself in a plastic container on the top shelf out of sight.