Ladies Listen Up

by Darren Coleman

  I was buzzing and put on Trey Songz’s CD while I got dressed. Once I finished, I took a look at myself in the mirror and began trying to motivate myself. “You’re fucking, Dr. C. You don’t need that bitch. You can go out and get anybody you want. You’re a good-looking nigga, and look at that jacket you have on. You’re a baller, my nigga.” I was slipping, talking to myself. I made a note to get a dog.

  And on the real, I was lying to myself. I definitely needed Lanelle, to some extent. She had grounded me, helped me actually curb some of my self-defeating behaviors, and she’d helped my career. Because of her, I’d gotten on Janet’s radio show. After I followed Jonetta’s advice and got an agent, my contract was on the way any day now. Though I wasn’t technically a baller yet, the proverbial check was in the mail.

  Speeding, for no reason, to a bar so I could get even more drunk made all the sense in the world to me. I picked up the phone hoping someone would join me. When I didn’t get any responses I called Lisa to tell her what had happened.

  “I told you not to fuck that bitch. Now you got to look at her funny face until Mrs. Whitmore comes back.”

  “Yeah. You right.”

  “Diego, your ass is retarded. How could you call her another woman’s name. That’s like the ultimate dis. What did she do, slap the shit out of you?”

  “Yeah, how’d you know?”

  “Because that’s what a bitch does to a nigga who can’t remember who’s pussy he’s in.” She laughed at herself. “I got to go. Me and my man are about to roll up a tree.”

  “All right, cool.”

  “Gees up. Hoes down, my nigga.” Then she hung the phone up.

  I pulled into the parking garage and headed up the block for the bar. I had been calling Jacob, but he hadn’t picked up the phone, and when I dialed my brother, Lee, all I’d gotten was a busy signal. He hadn’t had a cell phone since the incident with the police near my job. The phones were in Nicole’s name and she’d cut them off.

  So here I was, solo, already drunk as a skunk just trying to keep my mind off my problems. I walked into Ozio’s and made my way straight to the bar. I spoke to a few random folks who were nearby, simply because they were staring in my face, and once I was at the bar, I people-watched until I could get my drink order.

  There was an attractive girl standing next to me who seemed to be by herself. “Excuse me, would you like a drink?” I asked.

  “Sure.”

  She looked to be black, but she definitely had some Filipino or Japanese flavor working as well. The slanted eyes and the straight hair were the giveaway. “What you drinking?”

  “Baileys, on ice.”

  “Cool.” I ordered another double shot of vodka for myself and her drink.

  “Thanks,” she said. “What’s your name?” she asked over the music.

  “Diego. What’s yours?”

  “Rhiana.”

  “Diego, you look kind of familiar,” she said as she accepted the drink.

  “You don’t.” It was never a good thing when a woman thought you looked familiar. Most likely you did something to her, or one of her friends, that had made them try to forget about you. I figured I’d give her some time to think about it, so I said, “Rhiana, you’re looking so beautiful tonight and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to tie you up all night just ’cause I bought you a drink. I’m going to go take a look for someone I was supposed to meet here. I’ll look for you in a little bit so I can keep that drink fresh.”

  “Oh…okay. Well…make sure you do that.” She seemed a little thrown off that I hadn’t gone in for the kill or tried to sweat her.

  I stepped off and headed for the other side of the club. Then, as the DJ put on Young Jeezy’s “Go Crazy,” I saw her. A five-foot-six, copper-skinned beauty of a woman. Now, I knew that I might have been being shallow and that the alcohol might have been talking to me, but this girl had an aura about her. Before I said a word to her, something was telling me that she and I were meant to be…something. I moved toward her and we exchanged glances. When I was no more than ten feet away from her, I smiled and waited for a second. Then she smiled back and waved for me to come to her. Unless there was a glitch in the Matrix, it was clear to me that this chick was the one. She had crazy amounts of sex appeal. When I looked her up and down, I was certain that she was the one that could make me forget everything that I was going through. Now, face-to-face, I could see that she was truly a fine woman with a nice body and a mystique that separated her from the everyday girl.

  She was actually smoking a cigar, which shocked me. I don’t know why, because we were in a cigar bar. Something about the way she puffed it threw me off at first, made her look tough. Then at the same time she made the act look vogue.

  She offered me one. “It’s a Cuban. This is no habit for me,” she said as she lit the stogie I’d accepted. “It’s just a little conversation piece.”

  I nodded and responded, “Well then, let’s converse.” Ozio’s was packed and we wasted no time getting another round of drinks and finding a booth in the back to sit and talk shit.

  “I love your eyes,” she commented. I might have heard that before but never really understood why. “They make you look so innocent, like a little boy.”

  I laughed into a smile when she said that.

  “And those teeth, there’s nothing like a man with a nice, sexy smile.”

  “Thanks, your smile is nice, too.” I wasn’t lying. I realized that my focus was more on her lips, though. She had big juicy lips like the chick Jill Jones from the UPN show Girlfriends. And truthfully, I had fantasized about a blowjob from Toni Childs on more than one occasion.

  The girl continued to compliment me on all the things about me that she found oh so wonderful. By the time she finished, my head was big as a hot-air balloon. The last thing she said almost made me spit my drink out. She leaned in after taking the cherry from her martini into those big lips. “Now, as cute as you are, if you can fuck, then we’re in business.”

  “Well, if you want, we can get out of here right now,” I said.

  “Slow down, brother. You don’t even know my name.” She laughed.

  “Damn.” I was stunned. “It hadn’t dawned on me that we’ve been talking for almost thirty minutes and I didn’t even ask you your name.” I started laughing. I was so drunk, but it was my own secret. I was the type of person who could be highly intoxicated and no one would really know without a Breathalyzer. Other than some slightly slurred speech, I could hide it. The only thing it did was make me get more aggressive.

  “My name’s Paige.”

  “Well, Paige, my name’s Diego. And wasn’t it you who brought up the whole topic of sex?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t say it was going to happen tonight. Did I?”

  “No, you didn’t, but let me say this. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve been hanging out in clubs and have been through the whole “meet-and-greet” process enough to know when there’s chemistry there. We have that and it’s strong. You’re flirting with me. I’m flirting with you. I don’t have anyone at home, and who knows what tomorrow brings, but tonight I wanna get with you. I’ve been through some shit and I’m just trying to chill.”

  She took a sip and eyed me hard, as if she were peering into my soul, trying to either deem me worthy or discount me. I went on. “You seem like an intelligent sister—”

  “Seem?”

  “Well, I’m just saying. From the conversation we’ve had…my bad…you are intelligent. I find that a turn-on. And we seem to have a few other things in common. So I’m not saying that we can’t enjoy some of those things at another time, but right here, right now, give me one good reason why we can’t go back to my place, where I can rub you from head to toe and make you feel like your body is being worshiped.”

  She looked at her watch. “Well, the first reason is because I told my husband I’d be home by ten and it’s almost eleven.”

  “Husband?”

  “And the second
is…you’re going to have to come better than that. I need to know a little more about you before I give you some of this. You see, this isn’t something that I just do. A woman has to be selective.”

  “You’re married?” She nodded yes and showed me her finger. I didn’t notice a ring until she’d mentioned being married.

  “But we can be friends and get to know one another…really well if you act right,” she said and showed her smile. Again, my eyes were drawn to those big dick-sucking lips.

  I couldn’t believe it. Another married chick. I was trying to do right, but they kept coming across my path, married women who were chasing a little strange ding-a-ling. It was official. Women were just as bad, if not worse, than men.

  “All right,” I said, and we exchanged numbers. Of course she told me when to call which numbers and ran the whole drill, which I already knew. “You better head on in.” I was sure I sounded dejected.

  “Why don’t you walk me to my truck? It’s up the street in the garage,” she said.

  “Yeah, okay.” I was ready to leave anyway. My mind was on getting some ass. I figured I’d get on my cell and call everybody and their mama to see if I could catch someone in the same horny state. If push came to shove, I’d stop off at the strip club and blow a little cash on one of my ex-girlfriends who shook it fast for a living.

  As we headed toward the door Paige walked in front of me and I placed my hand on her hip, trying to steal a feel. The alcohol.

  I was nearly at the door when I felt someone grab my arm. I turned and it was Rhiana. I paused momentarily. Paige didn’t notice I’d stopped and kept walking. “You leaving?”

  “Yeah,” I said, trying to brush her off and keep it moving. “I’ll catch up with you next time.

  “Oh, okay,” she said in a sinister voice. “…But I remembered where I knew you from.” I started to walk again. “I was at your wedding. I know Alicia.”

  I looked back at her and was about to stop when Paige came back and tapped my shoulder, “C’mon, papi. What you doing?” she asked. Then she looked at Rhiana. The two traded glances and it was obvious that they’d had dealings of some sort. Rhiana rolled her eyes and walked off.

  “I hate that Chinese bitch,” Paige said. “She thinks she’s all that.”

  We started off and headed out the door and up M Street. “Where do you know her from?”

  “We used to work together a long time ago. Fuck her.”

  I’d thought about it briefly but didn’t mention it to Paige. It wasn’t that cold for a night in the middle of winter. I was thinking the upper forties. We still walked briskly to the garage where her ride was parked.

  We took the elevator down to P2 and headed for a black Cadillac Escalade. She hit the alarm. “Climb in,” she commanded.

  She started the engine and “Burn” started banging through the stereo. She turned the volume down. “Where’d you park?”

  “Actually, I’m at the other end of the block. The garage across from the bank.”

  “Okay.”

  We sat for a second as she let the truck warm up. “So, when can I see you?” she asked.

  “When you ready?”

  “What about tomorrow afternoon?” Over the next fifteen minutes, I learned all the times that she was free and why. Her man was busy. He was into the gym. He raced motorcycles. He hung out with his frat brothers way too much, and to top it off, he traveled for work. “When he’s home, he has the nerve to tell me that I get on his nerves, that I want sex too much.”

  I smiled when she said that. It was an opening. I asked her what she liked as far as sex went and she told me. She liked it every way imaginable. Sometimes rough, sometimes soft. She liked to watch porno and then she made my night when she said, “I love to fuck in strange places.”

  I looked around and wondered for a quick minute if the bottom of a garage was strange enough. My question was answered quickly enough and I had to admit that I was surprised that she gave me head, but nevertheless thankful. She didn’t give a damn if they had cameras in the garage. She opened the back doors to the truck and let me fuck her from behind while she laid her body flat on the storage area where the third row of seats would have been.

  “So we still on for tomorrow?” she asked as we pulled up in front of the garage where I was parked.

  “Hell yeah, just call me.” I was still buzzing, but now both tired and relaxed enough to go home and get some rest.

  “I will,” she said, and leaned in for a kiss.

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  I barely remembered the drive home. I was half-asleep, to tell the truth, as I drove home with the window open. I felt bad and irresponsible for being a drunk driver. As I pulled into my development I thanked God for letting me make it. When I parked I sat in my car for a second. My head was spinning slightly and I didn’t want to make it this close only to bust my head on the concrete in front of my door.

  When I stepped out of the car and started up the walk, I had the shit scared out of me. “Diego,” the familiar voice called. “I need you.”

  I turned around and saw my brother standing in front of me. He looked like he’d been attacked by Mike Tyson in his younger days. His eye was swollen shut, his lip was busted, and his face was scratched up. “Lee, what the hell happened to you?”

  “Nicole, man.” I was silent. I didn’t understand. “She…been…beating the hell outta me.”

  He could have knocked me over with a feather. My brother, who used to give me the beat-down as a kid until he grew up and out of doing it, was sitting there telling me his five-foot-four wife was slapping him around. “What?” I asked in utter disbelief.

  He repeated himself. I don’t know if it was the liquor or the disbelief, but I started to laugh right in his face. He then looked down at the ground. “Man, you serious?”

  He nodded. We headed into the house and he told me everything. From the beginning. How it had started with yelling, then her suicide threats. He’d been embarrassed at her behavior, and for that reason, he hadn’t told anyone.

  “And you met this bitch at Bible study, right?” I said. I shook my head in disgust. “Let me ask you this…did you ever think of fighting back?”

  He was quiet for a minute, then he answered, “I always do.”

  “What you mean? Well, why you look like this?”

  He shook his head. “Diego, man. She’s good. She’s like a black belt and she takes all these boxing lessons.”

  “You got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that you can’t beat her—” I didn’t get the words off before my doorbell began to ring. It was one in the morning and I didn’t play that.

  I headed for the door. “Nah, that’s her. Call the police,” Lee told me.

  I looked at him and all the respect that I could muster for him wasn’t enough to keep me from saying, “Fuck that. I’ll kick the bitch’s ass if she try that karate shit.”

  “Who is it?” I yelled.

  “Open the door. You know who it is. Tell Lee to bring his ass out here.”

  I swung the door open. “Lee is staying here tonight.” I looked at her face and she looked fine. Not a scratch. She proceeded to open my screen door and make her way in. For some reason, my fraternal instincts kicked in and I yelled out, “Leave him the hell alone. Take your crazy ass home.”

  “Fuck you, nigga,” she yelled, and tried to bull her way past me.

  Like a scene out of a seventies blaxploitation film, I hauled my hand back like Ron O’Neal and delivered one of the hardest pimp slaps in modern history. It was like the alcohol and adrenaline had blended together to create some bolder and crazier me.

  My hand cracked her across the side of her head and sounded off like a wet towel hitting an ass in the locker room. I was in shock as she fell to the ground, holding not her face but her ear.

  “Yo, what’s wrong with you?” my brother said as he ran toward me with his fists balled up. She was on the ground and she began to whimper. “That’s my wife,” he
yelled.

  Lee shoved me in the chest and I shoved him back. Nicole began to cry that her ear was ringing. “He busted my eardrum. Diego busted my eardrum.”

  “Man, you’re crazy,” he yelled in my face, and the spit was flying as he talked.

  I couldn’t believe his nerve. “Where was all this when she was kicking your ass?”

  Hearing that, he swung and punched me right in the stomach. I felt the punch and it felt like my stomach was wrapped around his fist. I dropped to my knees and began to vomit. I was delirious as he picked her up. “Come on. Let’s go, baby.”

  I picked myself up, still coughing, wanting desperately to get a punch off on Lee, but he’d made it out the door, carrying his wife. He was almost to his car and I yelled from my porch, “Y’all are sick puppies. You deserve each other.”

  “I’ll get you, Diego,” she yelled as she climbed into her car.

  “Anytime, bitch. Anytime,” I said, giving her the finger. “Lee, I’m gonna kick your ass when I see you, man.”

  He slammed his door and drove off, knowing that that was the first and the last time he could come to me with that bull crap. I slammed my door and went up to my room and fell across my bed. A few thoughts ran through my mind as I closed my eyes. After thinking about all the good and all the bad that was me, I realized that I was who I was. Perhaps it was time for me to accept the role that life had given me. Maybe I’d never change. Maybe I’d never find someone to take Alicia’s place. Maybe true love simply wasn’t meant for me. And maybe, just maybe, I’d been put here to take up the slack of husbands and boyfriends who didn’t know how, or simply didn’t care enough, to do their jobs.

  I closed my eyes and reasoned with myself to get some peace. Aside from the emptiness it seemed I felt whenever I was alone for too long and destruction of my soul that creeping with the next man’s wife brought, I thought to myself, There are plenty of jobs that are worse.

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