It Must Be Christmas

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Am I?” He stared at her. “Come on, Charlie. You’re not a fling sort of person. You’re a lifer. You want the whole enchilada. The husband and the kids and the little house in the ‘burbs. You’re a liar if you say otherwise.”

  “I never asked any of that from you.”

  He paced through the tiny kitchen. “I know that. That’s what I’m saying. We knew this about each other but we pretended not to notice. I told myself it would be okay. That you knew what you were getting into. That it was only a few dates and a handful of kisses and it was no big deal. Until…”

  Silence fell over the kitchen.

  “Until?” she finally prompted.

  He let out a breath. “Until tonight. Tonight was a big deal. It wasn’t just a kiss good night. It was…”

  Again he paused and she met his gaze evenly. She knew what he wasn’t saying. There’d been a connection between them that had been far more potent than either of them had expected.

  “It was too much for you,” she said quietly. “You’re right, you know. I do want those things. I always have. And I told myself I didn’t and I conveniently forgot I did when we were together because I like being with you. I like kissing you and I loved making love with you. You’re absolutely right, Dave. I want the whole enchilada.”

  She deserved better. “I spent my whole childhood feeling like I was in the way. I took what attention I could get. Dressed in what I was supposed to, showed up at events when it was requested, got good marks. Tried to please them, anything to get a smidgen of genuine affection. To mean as much to them as their precious jobs and precious itineraries. And you know what? It never worked. And you know what that made me? Afraid. Timid. Unable to stand up for myself. Do you know what happened when I took this job? I had already signed the contract and rental agreement before I told my parents. I didn’t even tell them until I was already here in Jewell Cove. Even when I was rebelling, I was afraid to confront them. Afraid to disappoint them.”

  “Jesus, Charlie.”

  “Yeah. And I was afraid to disappoint you too, so I told myself I’d just go along with whatever you wanted. Not interested in a relationship or a family? That was okay. We’d just have fun. But you are so right. I’m not built that way. I want a man who loves me, and a family of my own and children who can be whatever the hell they want when they grow up as long as they’re happy. I want them to feel love and acceptance and I want smiles and laughter. I want it all, Dave. And tonight, for about five minutes, I caught a glimpse of what it could be like if you gave us half a chance.”

  “I told you…”

  “I know. I didn’t listen. I heard what I wanted to and ignored the rest.”

  She was slightly out of breath, amazed that she’d said all that, wondering how she’d kept it inside all these years.

  Dave was staring at her in shock.

  “What the hell are you so scared of?” she asked. “Or is it that you don’t have the capacity to care at all? Is that it?”

  “Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m just a selfish prick who only thinks about himself. Maybe I’ve got a huge ego and the world revolves around me. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? Or is it that I’m a coward? Which option is most appealing to you?” His words were hard, brittle. The heat in his eyes had cooled, dulled. “We both pretended for a while but I’d just hurt you in the end, Charlie.”

  Once again silence fell over the room. There was something he wasn’t saying. Something more than his marriage. He’d been pretty forthcoming about that, so she guessed whatever it was had to be important. Hurtful.

  “Shit,” he said, quieter now. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I thought I could handle it. Tonight was amazing. You need to understand that. But this has to stop now, before someone gets hurt. Before I hurt you.”

  She blinked a couple of times. She would not babble, or cry, or be an emotional wreck. She would also be honest, because wrong or right, she’d started to believe they had a chance. “Don’t you get it? You already hurt me.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “What, and lie?” She went to him, put her hand flat on his chest. “You’re a good man, you know. Somehow, somewhere, I think someone made you feel like you weren’t. And I think that’s not because you let someone down but because someone let you down. Until you figure that out, you’re never going to be happy.”

  “You’d better get home to Daniel.”

  There was no emotion in his words, just dismissal and finality. She retreated to the bedroom and pulled on her clothes, braided her hair, and went back to the kitchen, where Dave was sitting at the table, staring into his cup of cold cocoa.

  Wordlessly she put on her boots and her jacket and picked up her handbag. She went out and shut the door behind her, latching it with a quiet click, wondering how she could have been so stupid as to let herself fall in love with the wrong man.

  Chapter Twelve

  Charlie ended up putting in extra hours at the clinic. A flu outbreak swept through the schools, and she and Josh doubled up their hours so that whenever one was taking appointments, the other was working walk-in or administering flu shots. The lead up to Christmas was anything but relaxing, and it was only Meggie’s help with babysitting that kept her afloat. She managed to package Lizzie’s presents and ship them off, with a promise to visit for a weekend in the new year. As the virus spread, Josh and Charlie saw increased numbers of senior citizens presenting with the same symptoms that often progressed to bronchitis or pneumonia, both of which required more than simple rest and fluids.

  By December 18, it hit Charlie and laid her flat for three days of fever, chills, and a hoarse cough. She spent her downtime on the sofa with a soft blanket, drinking hot lemon and honey and sleeping whenever Daniel saw fit to nap too. Because he was so small, she took particular care with hand washing, praying he didn’t come down with it too. And during her waking hours she spent way too much time thinking. Thinking about Dave, and how everything had gone wrong, and how for the first time in several years she’d fancied herself in love.

  How could that be? She’d always believed a big component of being in love was being loved in return. That it wasn’t one-sided. But he certainly hadn’t loved her. Liked her, yes. Enjoyed her company, yes.

  But he hadn’t been a fool like her. She replayed moments in her mind: how they’d look into each other’s eyes, the way he kissed, how he’d laugh at something and tilt his head back just a little bit. The way he raised one eyebrow just a little before he said something sarcastic, and the way only one dimple popped when he smiled.

  She’d been smitten. No doubt about it. And she missed him. She could tell herself she didn’t, but what purpose did that serve? No sense lying to herself. He was up the road at his cottage or working in town and going about his day completely and absolutely without her. Like she didn’t even matter.

  Charlie’s bout of self-pity was interrupted by a knock on the door. It was Josh, and he carried a box in his arms.

  She tugged her blanket closer around herself, blinked at him blearily, and held open the door. “What on earth is that?”

  “Word got around town that you came down with this bug. It’s a care package.”

  She stepped aside as he came in and stomped his boots. “A care package?”

  He nodded. “Today I’m your delivery boy. Can you take this?”

  She took the box from his arms, shocked at how weak she felt. Once he’d removed his boots he took the box back. “Let’s put this in your kitchen.”

  She followed behind him, her slippers scuffing against the floor as she sniffled and then reached for a tissue from the box on the counter. Josh put everything down on her table and started taking things out.

  An ice cream container, which he handed over. “My mom’s chicken soup. Her not-so-secret ingredient is a dash of curry powder. You look like hell. I recommend a bowl of it, stat.”

  She laughed a little, which started her coughing. Without saying a word, Josh found a gla
ss and got her some water. Then he took a bowl from the cupboard, poured some of the soup into it, and shoved it in the microwave.

  “Right. Next … Shirley at The Leaf and Grind sent over some tea.” He put the little tin on the table. “She recommends honey to sweeten it. Jess sent eucalyptus candles to help with congestion.” Those went beside the tea. “Mary at the bakery brought in a dozen cinnamon rolls, which annoys the hell out of me because no one ever gives me cinnamon rolls and they’re my favorite.” The rolls were added to the assortment on the tabletop.

  Josh handed over a small plastic bottle. “Robin says to take a hot bath with some of this in it and you’ll feel lots better.”

  Charlie was overwhelmed. Good heavens, homemade soup and tea and aromatherapy … just for coming down with the flu? “What about you, Josh?” she joked, as the microwave beeped, indicating her soup was done. “What did you bring me?” She opened the door and caught a little of the scent, even through her plugged nose. Her stomach rumbled and she realized she couldn’t remember when she’d put anything other than fluids in her tummy.

  Josh held up a bottle. “I’m not much of a cook. But codeine cough syrup will do. You should at least get some sleep.” He grinned at her. “You really do look like hell, Charlie. Do you need someone to take Daniel for a day or two?”

  “Thanks for this,” she grumbled, but then she looked up at him and smiled a bit. “Thank you, Josh. And Dan and I will be fine. He’s been sleeping better lately, only up once in the night. I just put him down. I should be good until about one in the morning.” She took a sip of water. “This is pretty amazing and a real surprise.”

  He gave a shrug. “That’s what happens in a place like Jewell Cove. People help each other out. Sometimes it’s suffocating, but everyone means well. Almost everyone, anyway,” he amended with a crooked smile.

  She sat down at the table with her soup. “You want to join me? There’s lots here.”

  “I’m good. I’ll sit for a minute though, if you don’t mind.”

  “Okay.” It seemed odd that he’d hang around, but her head was pretty fuzzy. She might not be the best judge of what was weird and normal at the moment. The first taste of soup made her close her eyes in gratitude. The broth was hot and rich and filled with vegetables and chicken and soft noodles. “Oh, tell Meggie that this is delicious and just what I needed.”

  “I will.” He hesitated for a minute and then leaned on the table on his elbows. “Charlie, are you okay?”

  “It’s just the flu, Josh.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” He looked slightly uncomfortable. “Look, I don’t like to pry into people’s private lives, but you’ve been burning the candle at both ends for the last week, and now you’re sick and it looked like things were heating up with that Dave guy. Did something happen there?”

  “There’s nothing happening there, don’t worry,” she replied, scooping up more soup to keep busy, to keep her from thinking too much.

  “Do I need to have a talk with him?”

  She swallowed and looked up in surprise. “What?”

  “You’re my business partner now. And my friend. And if you need help, I hope you know you can ask me.”

  A silly grin broke out over her face. “Are you saying you’d beat up Dave Ricker if he hurt my feelings, Josh?”

  Josh looked at her evenly. “He’s a big boy. Not sure I’d beat him up, but I’d give it a good try.”

  Her eye stung with unexpected tears. “That’s sweet. I never had a big brother, you know. But this feels like something a big brother would say.”

  He smiled at her. “Look around you, Charlie. You’re part of this community. People care about you. I know it’s hard at first, coming to a place where it seems everyone has known each other forever, and have all this shared past stuff. It’s hard to come back to that too, you know. I didn’t find it easy last year. People get in your business. But they’re also there when you need them. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t let this get you down. There are people who care about you.”

  “Wow, Josh, this is pretty touchy-feely for you.”

  He chuckled. “Don’t I know it. My sisters are much better at this kind of thing, but since you and I share an office, I put on my big-girl panties.”

  Josh could be really businesslike, or so charismatic that Charlie often felt outmatched. But he was really approachable today, relaxed and cracking jokes.

  “I’ll be fine. Dave and I just want different things. We kind of ignored it for a while, but there it is. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”

  “Bummer,” Josh replied.

  She laughed, coughed, and then sighed. “Yeah. Bummer.”

  “Well, listen, I should go and let you get your rest. We miss you back at the office. I was run off my feet today.”

  “Slave driver. Now I know why you brought this stuff over. So you can get me back in the office and go back to your cushy hours.”

  He laughed. She saw him to the door, and when he was ready to go, she thanked him again. Once he was gone she returned to the kitchen, finished her soup, and decided to run a bath using some of Robin’s bubbles.

  It wasn’t until she sank into the hot water that she let the emotions in. She’d been holding them back for days now, but the virus, added to her long work hours and then the unexpected generosity of friends had her protective shields down. The steam made a peppermint and eucalyptus scented cloud in the bathroom as she finally cried.

  She’d trusted him. She’d believed in him. Wrong or right, foolish or not, she had. And for a brief, wonderful moment, she’d lain in his arms and believed in the possibility of forever.

  But that moment was gone. It was time she let it all out and then moved on.

  * * *

  December 23 rolled around. Charlie had received a huge parcel from Lizzie and placed it beside the Christmas tree since it was too big to fit underneath. She’d mostly recovered from her flu, though by the time she got home at night she was exhausted. Honestly, she was looking forward to having the two extra days off for the Christmas holiday. With nothing planned, she’d eat her takeout, talk to Lizzie, watch a few movies, and drink hot cocoa. To her surprise, several other packages made an appearance. Not so much for her, but for Daniel. There was something from Meggie, which wasn’t a huge surprise, but also packages from Josh’s sisters with Daniel’s name on them. Robin gave her a care package for pampering herself and there was a little gift bag with something for Daniel. She sat in front of the tree with him, watching the curiosity in his eyes as the colorful lights lit up the room, and kissed his soft, downy head. She wasn’t alone. And maybe he wouldn’t understand what was going on or remember a thing, but she was determined to have a real Christmas for his sake.

  Even though the outbreak was winding down, the clinic was still busy. Between regular appointments and walk-ins, both Josh and Charlie were run off their feet. It was midafternoon when Charlie stepped into the exam room to meet a new patient. The chart said she was a walk-in and her name was Michelle Green.

  “Hi, Michelle.” She smiled at the young girl sitting next to the bed. “I’m Dr. Yang. What can I help you with today?”

  The girl didn’t look particularly sick, though her color was a bit pale and her hair was limp. Mostly she looked tired. No, not tired. Worn. Charlie smiled reassuringly.

  “I, uh…” The girl suddenly looked down. Lifted her hand and started chewing on a fingernail.

  Charlie’s heart softened. She couldn’t be more than eighteen, maybe nineteen, and something was clearly bothering her. Charlie sat on her rolling stool and edged her way closer to Michelle, so they were sitting facing each other at equal heights.

  “Are you ill? Or is there a problem I can help you with?” Charlie touched Michelle’s knee lightly. “I’m here to help. Everything is confidential.”

  Michelle looked up, her blue eyes swimming with tears. “Are you the Dr. Yang who found that baby a few weeks ago?”

  It was a strange qu
estion to ask, and Charlie’s heart started beating faster. Oh my. She was going to have to tread very, very carefully. Could this be Daniel’s mother?

  “I am.”

  Michelle looked down again and Charlie saw a tear streak down the girl’s cheek. “Is he okay?” she whispered.

  Charlie nodded, a lump in her throat. She was sure now. No one else would come into her office, asking these questions, their emotions so raw. “He’s doing just fine.”

  She nodded again. “Okay. Thanks. I should go…” Awkwardly, the girl got up and reached for an old winter jacket hanging on the back of her chair.

  “Don’t go yet,” Charlie said, alarmed but trying to adopt a soothing tone. “Michelle, have you seen a doctor since you delivered? You’re a little pale. It wouldn’t hurt to have a checkup, make sure everything’s okay.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” She gripped the jacket tightly, and her face took on a belligerent expression. But Charlie could see beyond it to the fear. This poor kid.

  Charlie reached out and rubbed Michelle’s arm reassuringly. “It’s okay. I promise you it’ll be okay.”

  “I just … Oh God.” She sank back down into the chair and covered her face with her hands.

  Charlie kept her voice soft. “You put him in the manger on purpose, didn’t you?”

  Michelle nodded, moved her hands so they were in her lap, twisting together nervously. “I knew everyone would be at the tree lighting and I saw you and your husband walking by. I waited to make sure…”

  At that point she dissolved into tears. Charlie squatted in front of her and held her hands. “You waited to make sure…”

  Michelle hiccupped. “That you noticed. I wouldn’t have left him there alone. If no one had come, I would have gone back for him. I wouldn’t have let him die.” She sobbed again. “I wouldn’t have done that. I just didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t look after him … I didn’t want anyone to know…”

  “Of course. It’s all right. We’re going to make everything all right, okay?”

  “I just wanted to know he was okay.”