HOLLY AND MISTLETOE

by Susan Mallery

  "What'd I say?"

  Jill and Elizabeth started talking at once. Craig and Travis exchanged knowing looks. Holly blushed. Jordan knew Kyle had simply voiced what everyone else was thinking. It was obvious something was going on between Holly and himself, and they wanted to know what.

  Sandy and Elizabeth got busy passing out the rest of the presents. Jordan's brothers had given him some tools for his new garage. Kyle was disgusted to find out he really was getting wallpaper, then his good humor returned when he opened a box containing tickets for a Caribbean cruise.

  Sandy placed a large, flat package in front of Jordan. He looked at the tag. It was from Holly. She scooted over on the carpet to give him room to open it. He tore away the paper and exposed a stunning Impressionist painting.

  "Holly, you can't give me this."

  She shrugged. "It's not by anyone really famous, so don't get too excited."

  She'd mentioned a find of lesser-known artists at an estate sale about six months ago. She'd sold most of the paintings, but had admitted to keeping a couple of favorites for herself.

  Her blue eyes were dark with a warm and welcoming emotion. "I wanted to give you something special," she said softly so the others couldn't hear. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Just be polite and say thank you. Isn't that what you told me?"

  "Thank you," he said.

  "I thought it would look nice in the dining room."

  He grinned. "That's the only room that's finished, so I suppose it makes sense."

  There was a second box wrapped in gaudy red-and-silver paper. The gift tag had a paw print on it. "It's from Mistletoe," she told him.

  "I figured that." He shook the box. "What do you think she put inside? Something that explodes, or at the very least smells bad?"

  "Jordan, Mistletoe is a wonderful cat. I'm not sure why she hasn't taken to you, but as she likes everyone else, maybe this is your problem and not hers."

  He grinned. "Great. I've been judged and found wanting by a cat."

  He tore the paper. When he opened the oversize shirt box, he found a thick pullover sweater in black, gray and midnight blue.

  "Mistletoe is sorry she used your favorite sweater for a bed," Holly said.

  "No, she's not."

  One corner of Holly's mouth curved up. "Even if she isn't, I am."

  Around them the other adults were opening packages. Happy comments were exchanged, along with hugs and kisses. If a few of the embraces went on a little long, it only added to the festivity of the morning.

  Jordan wanted to haul Holly into his arms and show her exactly how happy she made him. Instead, he forced himself to give her a quick kiss on the forehead. Even as he reminded himself he respected her need to come to terms with their odd relationship, he wanted to claim her as his. He wanted everyone to know that they were lovers and that he cared about her. He wanted her to be comfortable touching him in public.

  "Oh, look what I just found under the tree," Elizabeth said, and handed Holly a small, square, jewelry-size box. His sister-in-law raised her eyebrows. "I've always been curious about your taste, Jordan. Guess I finally get to see what it's like."

  "Guess so," he said mildly, but his heart started pounding hard against his ribs.

  He'd wanted to get Holly something special. Something that would remind her of him without being threatening. His condition hadn't helped matters. For a while he'd been afraid he wouldn't be able to get out and around in time. But the physical therapy had done wonders, and he'd been able to find exactly what he wanted.

  Holly stared at the small gold-wrapped package. "You shouldn't have."

  "How do you know? You haven't looked at it yet."

  She nodded, then fumbled with the wrapping. The black velvet box opened silently, exposing pearl earrings surrounded by a circle of diamonds. Holly stared at the jewelry, but didn't say a word.

  Jordan found himself in the unfamiliar situation of feeling unsure of a gift. "The diamonds are earring jackets," he said quickly. "You can wear them with other things, and you can wear the pearls alone." He paused, then added lamely, "I thought they would hook nice with your long dresses and fancy blouses for work."

  Holly raised her head and stared at him. Light reflected off the moisture in her eyes. "They're so beautiful. You spent far too much money."

  "He can afford it," Kyle said from across the room.

  Jordan glanced around and saw they were the center of attention.

  "That's right," Craig added. "The last dividend check was impressive."

  Holly frowned. "What are they talking about?"

  Jordan leaned back on the sofa and grinned. "Didn't I tell you? When Austin was starting his company, my brothers and I threw in with him. None of us had much money, but we gave him all of it. We now own a chunk of his very successful firm. In addition to being heartbreaking charmers, the Haynes brothers are well-off."

  "I guess that explains the Victorian mansions. I wondered how you did that on a fire fighter's salary."

  "Now you know."

  She stared at the earrings, then unfastened them and tried to put them in her ears. Her hands were shaking. When the task was accomplished, she sat up on her knees, then leaned forward and kissed him on the mouth.

  It wasn't a passionate kiss. Even as she brushed her lips against his, color flared on her cheeks. But for Holly it was a bold, public move.

  Before she could pull away, he touched her cheek and smiled at her. Her warm and welcome expression made him want … something. He couldn't explain it or define ft. The need grew, pressing against his heart. If he had to put words to it, the closest he could come was that he wanted what his brothers had. Not the love. That still terrified him. But the secure relationship with someone who cared.

  When all the presents had been opened, Elizabeth assigned tasks. Holly was in charge of piling up the gifts so there was room to walk around, while Jordan was sent to help in the kitchen. He was supposed to be fixing coffee, but instead, he found himself remembering Christmases past.

  In the recent past he'd been the odd man out. Even before his brothers were married, they usually each brought a woman around during the holidays. He never had. Somehow sharing that part of his life had been too personal. He hadn't wanted to deal with a stranger. Better to be alone than with the wrong person.

  "What do you look so serious about?" Elizabeth asked.

  He glanced up and saw her leaning against the door frame. He shrugged. "Other holidays. This one is better."

  She moved toward him. Elizabeth had a heart-shaped face and wide eyes. When she'd married Travis, she'd made his brothers her responsibility, too. Once she was part of the family, birthdays were remembered and celebrated, and family dinners became a part of everyone's lives.

  She planted her hands on her hips and glared at him. "I swear, if I could have just one wish, it would be to spend five minutes alone with Earl Haynes."

  "My father? Why?"

  "That … that bastard doesn't deserve to live. He hurt you four so much. I want him punished for his crimes, and I want to be there to watch."

  Her fierceness startled him. Although he hadn't been thinking about his childhood, Elizabeth's words brought it back to him. His father leaving to be with another woman. His mother crying softly in her room. The four Haynes brothers not sure what they were supposed to feel, only knowing that all the toys in the world couldn't make their home an easier place to live.

  "That was a long time ago," he said.

  "Maybe, but you're all still suffering because of it. You think I don't see what he did to you? All of you? Sometimes Travis can't sleep because of the memories. He's a wonderful man, yet he was terrified he didn't know how to be a good husband and father." She drew in a deep breath, then smiled. "I do love to go on, don't I?"

  "You can be a little intense."

  "That's because I care." She stepped closer and placed her hand on his arm. "Jordan, you've got to deal with the past. Your chance at a happy present is go
ing to slip away if you don't get a grip on this."

  He moved back. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Yes, you do. I wish there was a way to erase everything and start over, but there isn't. Your parents—" She shrugged. "I don't agree with what your mother did, but I almost understand it. After all that time, she just snapped. Still, I wish she'd stayed in contact with the four of you."

  Jordan thought about what had really happened that last day. "I don't blame her, I blame the other women. They could have said no to my father."

  Elizabeth stared at him oddly. "Of course they are at fault, but they aren't the only ones. They said yes, but Earl was the one doing the asking. He spent his whole life trying to seduce anything in a skirt. Maybe it's easier to blame the women, but the real culprit is your father."

  She crossed the short distance between them. "I know what you're thinking, Jordan, but it's not like that. You don't have to be like him. You are your own man." She smiled. "If I wasn't so happily married, I might just make a play for you myself. Except I'd be too late." She hugged him. "Holly is very special. Don't let her get away. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

  She left the kitchen, and he was alone. As he made coffee, he thought about what his sister-in-law had said. That it was easier to blame the women than to blame his father. She was right. He did blame Louise. He blamed her for everything. Yet how much of it was really her fault? What about his father's part in the events? And his mother? In that, he agreed with Elizabeth. He understood his mother's need to leave Earl, but he resented her walking away from him without once looking back.

  The Haynes family was in a hell of a mess. He shook his head. That wasn't true. His brothers had figured out how to fix things. He was the only one still fighting the past. Maybe it was time to let it go.

  * * *

  Holly snuggled closer to Jordan. They were sitting on the sofa in front of their Christmas tree. To her right a fire snapped, and the scent of wood smoke filled the room.

  "Dinner was great," she said, then touched her earlobes and the beautiful earrings he'd given her. "Everything about the day was perfect. Thank you for a wonderful Christmas."

  His arms tightened around her. "You're welcome."

  She closed her eyes and held on to the happiness flooding her body. She wanted this day to last forever. She wanted to always be a part of him, of his world. She wanted to be able to confess her feelings and have them returned. She wanted him to love her.

  A small sigh escaped her lips. There was no point in wishing for the moon. Jordan wasn't going to love her, because he wasn't going to love anyone. He feared love as she had once feared trust. He and his family had shown her otherwise, but who was there to show him?

  Still, if she could have one more Christmas wish, it would be to have him want to be with her always.

  "Holly, there's something I want to ask you," he said.

  "What?"

  He straightened slightly, shifting so he could see her face. His dark eyes were alive with emotions she couldn't read. She felt his tension, but didn't know the cause. Before she could ask what was wrong, he spoke.

  "Holly, will you marry me?"

  His question left her stunned and speechless. She could only stare. Marry him? He wanted her to marry him?

  "I know this is sudden," he said. "But I've given it a lot of thought. I enjoy everything about you. Being with you, talking to you, making love."

  The joy was so bright and so intense, she thought she might die right there. He wanted to marry her. Her!

  "We want the same things," he continued. "A home and a family. I have the house." He motioned to the room, "Together we can be a family. I've always wanted kids. I'll take care of you, respect you." He touched her face, then kissed her lips. "I think we could make it work."

  She searched his face, waiting, but he was finished. The joy faded slowly, like a rainbow disappearing into the mist. At first you weren't sure it was going, then the edges blurred and it was gone. In the end there was only the memory of how beautiful it had been.

  He wanted to marry her, but he hadn't said a word about his feelings for her.

  "Commitment without love?" she asked, pleased that her voice sounded steady.

  "I would honor you," he said, cupping her face in his hands. "I would be a faithful and giving husband."

  Almost, she thought sadly. Almost like love, but not exactly the same thing.

  "I care about you," he told her.

  She nodded. Caring. "I appreciate that. You like me and I'm glad. I like you, too." She pulled away from him, then slowly got to her feet. Her mind was spinning. She didn't know what to think. It had happened too fast.

  Marriage to Jordan. She'd been dreaming of it since the moment she realized she loved him. He was offering her everything she wanted … almost. She could make love with him, share his bed, his life, have his children. She could be accepted by the loving embrace of his family. She could belong.

  But he wouldn't love her. He would never know the down-to-the-bone, heart-filling emotion of love. He would never dream about her the way she dreamed about him.

  "Holly?"

  She laughed softly, wondering if the sound covered her pain. "You're right," she said. "About everything. We would do well together. Mutual affection and respect. Many marriages survive on less. There's only one problem." She looked at him and shrugged. "I changed the rules."

  "What are you saying?"

  "I'm not sure. I—" She broke off, not sure how much to confess. "I was so afraid to trust anyone. Everyone had let me down. Then you came along with your good looks and your smile. You drew me in, and I never had a chance. You offered me everything I'd ever wanted. I found myself trusting you."

  His expression didn't change, but suddenly she didn't know what he was thinking. It was probably better that way, she told herself. Better for both of them.

  "I've only ever asked for three things in my life," she said. "First, when I was fifteen, I asked my boyfriend to understand when I couldn't go with him to the dance because my mother was sick."

  "He dumped you," Jordan said flatly. His hands tightened into fists.

  She nodded. "Then I asked my father for money to help with my mom's medical expenses. You know what happened there."

  "What's the third?"

  "I asked my mother not to die and leave me. She did." Tears threatened, but she fought them back. "Now I want a fourth thing. I want a miracle." She drew in a steadying breath. She was probably only going to get to say this once in her life. She wasn't going to chicken out and miss the opportunity.

  "I love you, Jordan. You're honorable and kind, loving, smart, funny. You're a good man. You make my knees weak and my heart beat faster. I love you, but I won't marry you. Not unless you can honestly say you love me back."

  * * *

  Chapter 16

  « ^ »

  Holly sipped her coffee and tried to hold back her tears. She'd been up most of the night crying, and she felt as attractive and puffy as a wet sponge. If she held her head up and blinked steadily, she could get a little control, although the pain in her chest wasn't going away. At first she hadn't been able to identify the sharp ache, but she'd finally figured it out.

  Jordan had broken her heart.

  Oh, he hadn't meant to. His proposal had been genuine and sincere. He thought they could have a good life together. Maybe that's what made it worse. If he didn't care at all, then she could tell herself it was just a crush and she would get over it. But he did have feelings for her. Unfortunately he didn't love her. She felt as if she'd made the finals in one of life's most important events only to be told she didn't have whatever it took to win. There she was, Holly Garrett, first runner-up in the game of love.

  Louise came into the kitchen. She'd reverted to her brightly colored clothes. In honor of the holiday season, she wore scarlet fitted trousers and a green patterned shirt. Three-inch plastic Christmas trees dangled from each ear.


  She walked to the coffeepot and poured herself a cup. "You want to talk about it, or do you want me to leave and pretend I didn't see you?" she asked without turning around.

  Holly rested her elbows on the kitchen table in front of her. "You can ignore me," she said.

  Louise turned and glanced at her. "I don't think so, honey. You look a little too miserable to be left alone." She crossed the room and pulled out the chair next to Holly's. "Tell me what happened."

  "I—" Fresh tears started down her cheeks. She swept them away, then tried to smile. "Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, yet here I am crying. Pretty silly, huh?"

  Louise patted her hand. "Not at all. Life goes on, even if it is the holidays. Sometimes I think all the celebrating makes it worse. We're dealing with old memories, childhood dreams. You've got every right to be a little weepy."

  Holly nodded. She appreciated the other woman's counsel. At times like this she missed her mother even more than usual. She, Holly, didn't understand life and men. She wasn't sure she understood all the questions, let alone had any answers.

  "Jordan asked me to marry him," she said softly.

  "Congratulations, child. He's not the Haynes brother I would have picked, but I know you have a soft spot for him." She looked closer at Holly and frowned. "You don't look very happy, though. Didn't you accept?"

  "I couldn't. I—" She cleared her throat, then stared into her cup of coffee. "He doesn't love me."

  "What?" Louise sounded outraged.

  The tears started again. This time Holly let them fall down her cheeks. "He doesn't love me. He said he likes me and cares about me, that we get along well together and that we could have a happy marriage." She paused to swallow a sob. "I want more. I want him to love me with all his heart. Am I crazy, Louise? I tell myself I'm a child wishing for the moon. Jordan is a good man. He treats me like a princess." She pressed her lips tightly together and fought the tears.

  "Oh, honey." Louise shifted her chair closer, then hugged Holly and drew her close. "I understand."

  "I l-love him."

  "I know. You've loved him from the beginning, haven't you? You came in here all innocent and lost your heart to him. I'm so sorry."