The Vicar Takes a Wife

by Victoria Kovacs

  Edna looked apologetic. “Sorry, Vicar.” Then she whispered in his ear, “Whatever you do, don’t look happy or sad.”

  “Why?” he whispered back.

  “Because you don’t want to give away your hand. Don’t look glad or sad or mad or anything.”

  Clark discarded one card. Walter dealt him another, discarded one of his own, and took one. He grinned. “How about you, Susanna darling? Give yourself up yet? It’ll be nice having someone to warm my bed come wintertime.”

  “Your impertinence demands an apology, sir,” Hosea bristled at the young fop’s lewdness and casual use of Susanna’s name. “If you’re cold at night, I suggest using a hot water bottle.”

  Clark snickered. Susanna kicked Hosea. Walter reddened at being the butt of a joke. “How many cards do you want?” he snapped.

  Hosea looked at Edna for direction. She raised her brows, wrinkled her nose, and twisted her mouth as if to say something, but he couldn’t guess what. He had to figure out the game by himself. He had the ten and ace of hearts, but nothing else matched or ran in succession. “I’ll take three, if you please,” he discarded the cards.

  Walter dealt three cards and looked around. “All right?”

  Clark threw down his hand. “I’m out.”

  “How about you two?” Walter asked.

  Susanna set down her cards: a full house, queens over nines.

  Walter whooped and showed his cards: a straight flush in spades. “Looks like winter’s going to be cozy,” he gloated. “I doubt you can beat me, but let’s see what you have,” he said to Hosea.

  Hosea glanced at Edna, who could barely contain her excitement. “I believe I’ve done well.” He set down his hand: a royal flush.

  “Aw,” Walter pouted.

  “No!” Susanna looked aghast.

  Clark shook his head. “That round doesn’t count because she helped you cheat.”

  “I did not help him cheat,” said Edna hotly. “I helped him win.”

  “I don’t believe it,” Susanna said.

  Hosea couldn’t help smiling. Susanna was saved. “I protest; I didn’t cheat. In fact, I wouldn’t know how to cheat, as I’m still not sure of the rules.”

  Susanna shook her head. “This can’t be happening.”

  Walter frowned. “This is a set up.”

  Edna scooped up the winnings and stuffed them into Hosea’s coat pockets. “The vicar won fair and square, so quit your whining.”

  Clark stopped her before she could make another deposit. “We’re playing again without your help.”

  Walter jumped up and whipped out a pistol with the longest barrel Hosea had ever seen. From his pale face and the way his hands trembled, it was evident he wasn’t used to handling firearms. “You cheated. I won,” he said.

  Before anyone could say anything, Susanna pulled out a pistol. “Nobody touches the money or I shoot. Drop it!”

  Their table had the attention of the rest of the saloon. Walter set his gun on the table. Hosea stood. “Miss Gomer, there’s no need for violence. The winnings are yours. You’re free to go. I don’t want you.”

  A loud gunshot made them jump. “She ain’t going nowhere,” Judson announced from behind the bar. He was reloading his shotgun.

  Susanna picked up a fistful of bills. “I’m paid up. You have to let me go.”

  Judson pointed the barrel at her. “You ain’t never getting away from me. You’re too pretty to lose.”

  At that moment, Fanny saw Walter reaching for his gun and shrieked. Susanna fired at his hand, hitting the table just in front of it. At the same time, Alice jumped on Judson from behind. Startled, he squeezed the trigger, hitting a chandelier. It crashed onto the table, setting it on fire.

  He shrugged off Alice and tried to backhand her, but she was too fast. She ducked and grabbed a bottle of gin, spilling its contents on the counter. Ducking again to avoid being struck, she grabbed a candle and set the spill ablaze to distract him.

  The saloon erupted in chaos and fire as patrons ran for the door. Hosea ducked when the shooting started and found himself face to face with Clark’s gun.

  “I don’t like cheaters,” he said, cocking the hammer.

  Something in Hosea snapped. He snatched the gun and pistol-whipped Clark. “I’ve had enough guns in my face for one sabbatical,” he said as the man dropped.

  Edna grabbed his arm. “Run, Vicar! Get out of here before Judson kills you!”

  “I can’t leave you to face Mr. Judson alone,” he protested.

  Susanna was stuffing the remaining cash into her pockets and bodice. “Good idea. You stay and take care of things.” She picked up her skirts and ran out the door.

  Edna pushed Hosea toward it. “Go. We’ll handle him.”

  He took her hand. “Bless you, sacred dove. I shall pray for you always.”

  The use of this special name prompted Edna to pull him down and plant a long kiss on his lips. He was dizzy when she released him. “Oh my.”

  “That’s what they all say,” Edna plopped his hat on his head. “Now get out of here.”

  While Hosea was being endowed with Edna’s best, Susanna ran into the street—and the sheriff. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” he grabbed her wrist that held the pistol.

  “Judson’s shooting up the saloon!” she cried.

  Sheriff Lewis’s grip didn’t relax. Susanna looked over his shoulder and gasped, but he didn’t fall for her trick. “That don’t explain why you’re running through the street with a weapon,” he demanded.

  Susanna’s mind raced. She didn’t gamble herself to get away from Judson only to land in jail. She had to escape, even if it meant getting into deeper trouble. “Watch out!” she shrieked and ducked.

  This time the sheriff turned to see what was coming. Nothing was, except Susanna’s head. She slammed it into his when he turned back around.

  “Ow!” he yelped. “Ugh!” she kneed his groin. His grip loosened as he doubled over. Grabbing the back of his head, she pulled it down and drove her knee into his face. He finally let go and she ran.

  Hosea dove through the doors as Judson got off another shot. He watched Susanna mount a horse and gallop down the street as patrons poured from the saloon and bystanders hurried to see the action.

  Sheriff Lewis was swearing a blue streak over his broken nose. “Stop her!” he yelled.

  “Miss Gomer, wait!” Hosea shouted. He looked around for another horse and saw an old man standing nearby with one. “Might I borrow your horse?”

  The old man spat a brown stream of tobacco juice. “Don’t got one. This here’s a mule.”

  “Might I borrow your mule?” Hosea asked impatiently.

  “Nope.”

  Hosea pulled a wad of cash from his pocket. “Might I buy your mule?”

  The old man’s eyes bulged. “For that amount, you can have me, too.”

  “Thank you, but I already acquired a person today,” said Hosea. He jumped on the mule and kicked it into a gallop. He rarely galloped for lack of reason to go anywhere swiftly, while the mule rarely galloped because it was lazy, yet they made a splendid pair racing down the street as pedestrians dove out of the way.

  Hosea hung on as he prayed: “Lord, I’ve offended a clergyman and his wife, gambled at cards, won a woman, beat a man, and bought a mule in a manner akin to bribery. I have surpassed the apostle Paul as chief of sinners.”

  He was still repenting when he caught up to Susanna. “Miss Gomer, wait for me. Where are we going?”

  “We aren’t going anywhere,” she replied. “I, on the other hand, am going to catch a train.”

  As if to confirm this plan, a train whistle shrieked, but Susanna didn’t stop at the train station. They followed the tracks past the shantytown, its residents cheering to see the vicar flying by.

  “You headed for the Promised Land now, Vicar!” Moses hollered and waved as children chased after them.

  Susanna kicked her horse hard to catch up with the train. When t
hey reached it, she maneuvered her horse close to the caboose.

  “How shall we board? It’s already moving.” Hosea asked.

  Susanna laughed. “It’s called a leap of faith. You should try it some time.”

  “Be careful!” Hosea cautioned as she moved even closer.

  To his surprise, she grabbed hold of the railing and half leaped, half hoisted herself onto the back platform. She turned to him and curtsied with a flourish of her hand. “So long, Vicar. This gospel train’s leaving.”

  “Should I jump now?” he called.

  Susanna looked alarmed. “You’re going to jump?”

  “It seems a less dangerous prospect than facing Mr. Judson and his shotgun.”

  “Are you crazy? You won’t make it,” she panicked.

  Hosea couldn’t tear his eyes away from the wheels. “You said it was a leap of faith.”

  “I didn’t mean for you to really do it!” she squealed. “The train’s going too fast. You’ll break your neck!”

  She was right about the possibility of him breaking his neck. The train wasn’t going faster than a horse could gallop, but it was gaining speed. If he didn’t jump now, he’d be left behind to face the wrath of Judson. Besides, he promised the Lord to return to England and marry a prostitute no matter the consequences. He had to jump if he wanted to live the rest of his life, even if it lasted only a few seconds longer, with a clean conscience.

  Before he lost his nerve, he guided the mule closer to the train, rose from the saddle, and jumped. He landed painfully on his knees on the edge of the platform stairs, gripping the railing with his left hand and Susanna with his right.

  “You’re crazy,” she scolded, helping him to his feet. “Of all the senseless, foolish notions! Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

  “You made the same leap,” he replied shakily. “As a vicar, I couldn’t back down from a pistological challenge.”

  “A what?” Susanna asked. “Never mind. That was the stupidest stunt I ever saw!” She jerked open the caboose door and stepped inside. He followed, feeling breathless and dizzy. “I’ll thank you to keep your distance,” she wagged a finger at him. “I don’t need you hanging onto my skirts.” His lack of response inflamed her and she clenched her fists. “How can you be so calm?”

  “Calm?” Hosea said. “My heart is racing. I can’t believe all the things I’ve done today for the first time. I’m not usually this spontaneous. I don’t think I’d describe myself as calm.”

  “How does shot sound?”

  “Shot?”

  She touched his left shoulder and he winced. “You’ve been shot.”

  The caboose was spinning. “Who shot me?”

  “I’m guessing Judson, unless you’ve made other enemies in town.”

  “Not the shooting sort,” he said and swooned from the loss of blood. Susanna caught him as he fell.

  At that moment, the conductor entered the caboose from the front door. “How did you get in here? Where are your tickets?” he demanded.

  Susanna pulled two large bills out of her bodice. “Two tickets to St. Louis.”

  The conductor took the bills. “A private carriage will be ready for you at the next stop, ma’am.”

  “I need whiskey, towels, and a needle and thread, if you can find them. Make it quick,” she ordered.

  “Right away, ma’am.”

  Susanna was removing Hosea’s coat when he came to.

  “Why are we going to St. Louis?” he murmured.

  “We’re running from Judson. You remember: angry man, big gun?”

  “Quite right,” he said.

  She shook her head. “I’m surprised you lasted this long in Texas. What were you thinking, coming here all the way from England?”

  “I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Do tell.” She eased the coat off his other arm.

  “I was disobeying,” he said

  “You were what?”

  Hosea took a deep breath and gasped. The movement hurt his wound. “I was disobeying the Lord. I had a dream and in it he told me to marry a—” he hesitated, “woman of ill repute. I got scared and ran away.”

  Susanna tossed aside his coat. “Is this a joke?”

  “I don’t know how to joke.”

  She carefully picked his shirt away from the wound. “For someone running away from women of ill repute, you sure landed in the lap of them.”

  “Rather like Jonah,” he said.

  “Rather like Solomon,” she said.

  “How so? He was the wisest man in the world. I haven’t been very wise lately.”

  “Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines who led him astray,” Susanna said. “You had five bawds.”

  Hosea started to take a deep breath again but thought the better of it. “How do you know so much about the

  Bible?”

  “I’ll tell you some time when you’re not bleeding to death.”

  Hosea saw his bloody shirt and closed his eyes. “Despite my disobedience, I hope I’ve done as much good for you and the others as you’ve done for me.”

  Susanna laughed. “What good have we done you?”

  He opened his eyes. “More than you know.”

  She saw it, the look men got when they fell in love with her, couldn’t live without her, begged her to marry them, pleaded with her to run away. She grew uncomfortable. “Why didn’t you propose to any of them? They were all in love with you.”

  “They were?” said Hosea. “I couldn’t take advantage of anyone to fulfill the Lord’s command. I only ever thought of them as my flock.”

  Susanna examined his wound as he hissed and gritted his teeth. “Shot clean through. Doesn’t feel like any bones are broken, but you’re going to feel it for a long while.” She sat back. “So, you’re still being disobedient.”

  “No,” Hosea said. “I know now I cannot escape the Lord’s will. I’m returning home and will marry, no matter the cost to my reputation.”

  Susanna looked skeptical. “You already ruined your reputation, what with living at the Spoke and gambling and train hopping.”

  “I didn’t gamble to win you,” Hosea insisted. “I gambled to set you free.”

  A steward entered the caboose and handed Susanna bottle of whiskey and a thin blanket. “The conductor’s asking ladies for a needle and thread. I’ll be back shortly, ma’am,” he said.

  Susanna looked at the label on the bottle. “Not bad for drinking, though a bit expensive for medicinal purposes.” She set down the items and unbuttoned Hosea’s shirt.

  “What are you doing?” Hosea said, horrified.

  “Removing your shirt to clean your wound.”

  “I can manage.”

  She threw up her hands. “For heaven’s sake, it’s not like you’ve got anything I haven’t seen before.”

  “But you haven’t seen me undressed.”

  “Yes, I have. The bathhouse?”

  He flinched at the memory. “Please, Miss Gomer, I can take care of myself.”

  “Do you know how to take care of a bullet wound?” she asked. “I doubt that’s one of your regular church duties. If I had a hot poker, I’d cauterize it and be done with it, but since I don’t, I’ll have to stitch you up and you’ll have to be extra careful not to get infected.” She gently wrestled off his shirt and poured whiskey on a corner of the blanket.

  “Through the liberal application of whiskey?” he eyed the bottle.

  “Yes, the liberal application of whiskey,” she replied and did so directly onto the wound. He shrieked. “You don’t know the first thing about taking care of yourself,” she scolded. “You won’t have to worry about marrying a woman of ill repute because you’ll be dead before you do. Might as well marry a nurse.”

  He gritted his teeth as she dabbed the wound. “I don’t know any nurses, and I dare not disobey the Lord again.”

  “A living dog is better than a dead lion,” Susanna said. “Suit yourself. I’m just trying to keep
you alive.”

  Hosea concentrated on not screaming as she cleaned the wound front and back. “Thank you for your efforts to prevent me from becoming a dead lion,” he gasped. “You’d make a fine nurse.”

  Susanna chuckled as she tore the blanket into strips. “I do know how to handle unruly clients. I suppose unruly patients aren’t that dissimilar. A change of vocation might be nice after working at the Spoke. I can start by being your nurse.”

  Hosea didn’t realize she was joking. “Merciful Lord, you cannot do that!”

  “Playing piano isn’t my only skill,” she said as she bandaged his shoulder.

  “That is—ow—not what I mean. You cannot live at the vicarage. It would be unseemly. People might think—ow.”

  “That we’re living in sin?”

  Hosea felt dizzy again. “It wouldn’t be proper.”

  “Kind of like a vicar living in a brothel?” Hosea didn’t reply, gritting his teeth as she made a sling for his arm. “Don’t move or you’ll bleed more.”

  “You’re right,” Hosea said. “It wasn’t proper.”

  “Now he sees reason,” she muttered.

  “But God’s ways are not ours, even when they defy human reason,” he continued. “As grateful as I am for your care and volunteering to nurse me back to health, I must decline your offer.”

  Susanna opened her mouth to explain it was a joke but paused. Her joke might be her salvation. She was wanted for attempted murder in Louisiana and no judge or jury would believe she acted in self-defense. She was now wanted in Texas for assaulting a sheriff, and if Judson didn’t rescue the money she left him before it caught fire, he’d accuse her of breach of contract. Leaving the country disguised as the nurse of a vicar was the perfect way to avoid the authorities and start afresh, such as in London. Maybe she’d catch the eye of a nobleman and become his mistress. Yes, it was a flawless plan. She would stay with the vicar until they reached England and make her escape.

  “I told you before I always pay my debts, and I certainly owe you after today,” she replied coolly, cleaning up the mess. “Being your nurse is as practical a way as any to pay you back. Anyway, I won’t stay for long, just until your wound heals.”

  Hosea was alarmed by this proposition, but even if the loss of blood hadn’t left him feeling weak, he was in no position to argue. She had saved his life. “If you insist on accompanying me, there’s only one option.”