Safe Harbor?

by Wardell, Heather

  “Won big at the casino, Owen?”

  As he nodded, the front door opened and she lost interest in us. “Good, you finally made it,” she called. “Quit moping already and get in here.”

  Austin appeared in the doorway and I knew something was seriously wrong. All the light had gone out of him, all the happiness and fun, and what was left was a yearning so strong it made me shiver.

  “Want your sweater?” Owen said, reaching for it and handing it over.

  “Thanks.” I couldn’t take my eyes off Austin. If I’d had them closed when he walked in I’d never have guessed it was him. What on earth had happened?

  As I pulled on my cardigan, Linda said, “Okay, buck up, buddy. No more whining, okay?” She looked around. “From any of you. I won’t have it.”

  The only one who’d been whining so far today had been her, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that.

  “You okay?” Melissa said quietly as Austin settled onto the couch beside her.

  He nodded, but he clearly wasn’t.

  “Especially you.” Linda reached out to swat his arm. “It’s been nearly a week since the cruise, so get over yourself, and her, and move on.”

  He jerked himself out of his mother’s reach. “Mom, shut up. Seriously.”

  She gave a dramatic recoil. “Well! Hardly the treatment I expect after taking you on a luxury cruise. Was Corinne the love of your life or something? Did you fall for her? You? As if.”

  Owen chuckled and Austin shot him a furious glance, and my heart bled for my brother-in-law. All his happy-go-lucky flirtatious vibes were gone, and so she must be gone too. He’d lost her. This Corinne really did matter to him and she was gone to him.

  “Mom, please,” he said, with almost a groan. “I can’t hear this right now.”

  “Okay, fine, let’s talk about your birthday. Thirty-two. I can’t believe it. Think you’ll ever act like a grown-up?”

  “Probably not.” He sighed. “Probably not.”

  The evening was about as cheerful as you’d expect given how miserable the birthday boy was. I drank far too much wine, trying to hold back Austin’s mangled emotions, and Owen and I escaped the first chance we got.

  As he drove us home, he said with disgust, “Austin. Such a drama queen.”

  “He really does seem upset, though,” I said, the wine stopping me thinking it through first.

  Owen turned his head so sharply he jerked the car sideways. “As if.”

  “Watch the road!”

  He got the car straightened out then said, “But come on. Austin? Mom’s right, although she’s hardly one to talk. That guy’s never going to be in love. He’s not even going to be in like or lust past a few days.” He shook his head. “Women keep thinking he’s different from how he is,” he said, making it clear he was including me in his disdainful ‘women’, “but he won’t be. Not ever.”

  “Okay,” I said quietly. I couldn’t argue with him, not without telling him how I knew, but I did know. Austin wasn’t Linda, and he was devastated by the loss of Corinne.

  And now I had yet another secret I couldn’t share with my husband.

  *****

  The next day, after my final art class, Pam and I sat at a nearby coffee shop. We’d both finished our drinks ages ago but I didn’t want to leave and it seemed like she didn’t either.

  “So,” she said, twirling her empty paper cup around on the table, “I’m not teaching any more.”

  She hadn’t mentioned it either way so I’d figured that was the case. “What are you doing instead?”

  She looked up from the cup, her eyes sad. “Moving to Germany.”

  I blinked. “What? Why?”

  “Magnus has been retired from hockey for a while but he wants to play again and there are some great pro teams over there. I can paint anywhere, so I will and he can play.”

  “I’ll miss you,” I said, realizing how much I would. My weekly class with her followed by an even more important ‘become a controlled empath’ class had been wonderful.

  She sat silent for a second, then grinned at me. “Nice.”

  “Pardon?”

  “Were you trying to control your reaction?”

  I shook my head. “I was thinking about how much I’ve enjoyed knowing you.”

  She put her hand over her heart. “Same to you.” She smiled at me, and I smiled back, and then she said, “The first day we talked about being empaths, everything you felt came bursting out at me. Confusion, worry you were crazy, happiness when I said I could help you... just everything. But you’re holding your energy field together beautifully now, and if you weren’t even trying, that’s even better.”

  “You’re a good teacher.”

  “You’re a good student.”

  “Nah, it’s you.”

  She laughed. “Don’t argue with me, missy. I say it’s you and that’s final.”

  I gave her a salute. “Yes, ma’am. When do you go?”

  “Two weeks,” she said, sobering. “Got a lot of work to do.”

  “I bet.” I looked at our empty cups again then back at her. “I guess you need to leave now?”

  She nodded, then looked into my eyes. “I would really like to stay friends, though. If you’re interested.”

  Happiness filled me, and I let my energy field slip so she could sense it.

  She grinned at me. “Good. Me too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Over the next four months, life plodded along. Owen apparently stayed disappointed with me over my belief that Austin was truly upset about Corinne, and the closeness we’d had on our trip was just a memory. He wasn’t actively unkind, but he seemed distracted and cold, and he volunteered for business trips he didn’t have to take.

  Thankfully Kelly only went on one of those, but that one happened to be over our wedding anniversary in June. Owen didn’t mention our anniversary to me, so I didn’t either because it felt weird to do so, and our lack of connection saddened me. At the beginning I’d wanted our relationship to be exactly this businesslike, but in Vegas and Disneyland I’d had a taste of how different things could be with us and I wanted more, though I knew I shouldn’t.

  To cope with everything over those months, I did a lot of drawing and a lot of hanging out at my pond across the street when I couldn’t handle being in the condo with my distant husband another second and a lot of online chatting with Pam because complaining about Owen to anyone who knew him felt unfair, and then in August we got the phone call I’d been dreading because I didn’t know whether it would make things worse.

  “It’s a boy,” Linda said, sounding more exhausted than I’d ever heard her. “Nolan.”

  “A boy?” I echoed, quietly so as not to disturb Owen who was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher after dinner since it was his turn. “But--”

  She laughed. “I know. Melissa was so sure it was a girl, and I guess the ultrasound was wrong too. Ah, well. I always wanted a girl myself but she’ll get over it. It’ll be fine.”

  For her, yes, it probably would. For Owen...

  After letting me know that Melissa would be leaving the hospital tomorrow and Nicholas had said we could drop by the next day after work, Linda got off the phone, and I took a few deep breaths then turned around to leave the living room and go find Owen.

  Only to find him right in front of me.

  I jumped back, my hand flying to my chest in shock.

  “You didn’t know I was here?”

  “In the condo, of course I did. Right here? No. So, um...”

  He gave me a single nod. “That was Mom, right?”

  “Right.”

  “They had the baby.”

  “Right.”

  He didn’t speak again so I figured I might as well get it all out there. “A boy, named Nolan. Nicholas wants us to come visit on Thursday night.”

  “Right,” he said.

  I wanted to try to cheer him up by making a joke about him stealing my word but it didn’t feel lik
e I should so I just stood there silently wishing I could help him.

  Or at least know whether he needed help. All his walls were up, and I didn’t know what he was hiding behind them.

  Maybe he was fine.

  I had a moment to hope that before he said, “Okay. I’ll be in the cave for a while. All right?”

  “Of course,” I said, trying to sound supportive.

  “Go to bed whenever you want to. Don’t worry about me.”

  He turned and left, and I spent the next five hours doing exactly what he’d told me not to.

  *****

  My heart racing, I stood beside Owen two days later as he knocked at Melissa and Nicholas’s front door. In those two days, he hadn’t spoken to me more than absolutely necessary, and I hadn’t seen him smile once. Last night I’d put on the slip he’d given me in Vegas, since it always seemed to get him going and I’d hoped perhaps some sex would make him feel better, but when he’d come to bed he’d just given me a tired smile and wished me a good night, then rolled onto his side with his back to me. Untouched and sad, I’d taken forever to go to sleep, but even so I didn’t think he had managed it before me.

  In a moment Nicholas opened the door. “Hey,” he said quietly, but with just that one word I picked up exactly how delighted he was with his new role as father. Though he looked exhausted, his eyes were bright and his grin was huge and everything about him felt happy and fulfilled.

  Melissa, when we walked into the living room and found her on the couch with Nolan sound asleep beside her in a bassinet, seemed exactly the opposite. “Hi,” she said dully, while I looked at her and tried not to show my horror. Nicholas, beaming fondly at his wife, didn’t seem to notice anything wrong, but Melissa’s sadness and anger at herself and disgust with her own feelings filled the room to such a degree I couldn’t understand how the guys couldn’t sense them.

  “Congratulations,” Owen said, sounding like the words were slicing his throat open.

  Nicholas thanked him, and Melissa echoed her husband more quietly then added, “Have a seat.”

  We did, in chairs across from her, and I longed to kick the guys out and tell her I was sorry she’d had a boy. They wouldn’t understand, but she would.

  And how exactly, I asked myself, would you explain how you know what she’s feeling? She’d just deny it, and hate you for saying it.

  So instead I said, putting all my hopes that things would turn around for her into my voice, “How are you doing?”

  “Pretty tired,” she said, her voice shaking. “But I guess that’s not a surprise.”

  “No, I guess not.”

  Nolan made a little sound and Nicholas was at his side so fast I didn’t see him move. “He’s waking up,” he said, smiling down at his son. “Want to see him?”

  “Sure,” I said, because it seemed like what he wanted.

  Nicholas eased the baby up into his arms and then held him out to me. “Here.”

  I was going to see him, not hold him, but Nicholas looked so eager I couldn’t refuse. I held out my hands and in moments had the tiny warm body cradled in my arms. I looked down at his little face, at his eyes beginning to close, and something like an explosion went off inside me.

  I’d always known I would have kids, but that had been abstract. Nolan was concrete and he changed everything. I wanted a baby of my own. Now.

  I’d have to have sex without a condom, though, and the mere thought of that level of connection terrified me. Not to mention, how could I have a child with Owen, who was cold and distant and capable of shutting me out completely? How would that ever be fair to my child?

  But how would leaving Owen ever be fair to him? I’d known what he was. I’d wanted him because of what he was. So how could I leave him for being exactly what I’d wanted?

  I brushed my finger along Nolan’s softly fuzzy head, and Nicholas chuckled. “He’s got hair already. You can’t really see it, but it’s there.”

  “He’s gorgeous,” I said softly, overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. “Congratulations.”

  Nicholas thanked me. Melissa just rested her head against the back of the couch.

  My heart hurt for her, and I wished I could help.

  “Owen,” Nicholas said, “could you maybe give me a hand moving Nolan’s furniture around? We thought we had a good layout but now that we’re using it it’s not working right.”

  Owen nodded and followed Nicholas from the room. Nicholas looked back at me holding Nolan and smiled. Owen did not.

  When we were alone, silence fell between Melissa and me. I wanted to break it but I didn’t know how. Eventually, she said, “So, can I get you a drink or anything?”

  “No, no, I’m fine. But can I get you anything? You must be so tired.” I took a deep breath and risked adding, “Especially since things are so different than you’d expected. Right?”

  “Oh,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “Oh, Celia, I--”

  A knock at the door cut her off. “Never mind,” she said, getting slowly to her feet and swiping at her eyes. “Yeah, I am tired. Let me just go see who that is.”

  I sat with the baby, cursing the new arrival, as she left the room. When she’d started to speak I’d felt a wave of something like hope mixed with determination, and I knew she’d been about to tell me about her disappointment at having Nolan instead of the girl she’d wanted. I felt sure that once she told someone she’d feel better, and I would have loved to have been that someone for her.

  Because somewhere along the way, without even noticing, I’d started to like her. Knowing both her and Owen meant I knew she’d made the right decision refusing to marry him even though it must have been agonizingly difficult to call off a wedding being paid for by a powerhouse like Linda. Melissa was strong and principled, the kind of person I wanted as a friend, and as a friend I longed to help her.

  Melissa returned, with our mother-in-law, who scooped up Nolan from me and monopolized the conversation until the guys returned and Owen and I could leave. I tried to send, “It’ll be okay,” vibes in Melissa’s direction as I departed, but I didn’t know if they’d reached her.

  I didn’t know what else I could do.

  Chapter Thirty

  Oh, the next two months were terrible. Everything seemed to go wrong. Our bathtub started leaking into the condo below so I couldn’t take a bath for the six weeks the plumbers took to fix it, and I needed those baths more than usual because Owen spent almost every evening in his cave. He even slept in there sometimes, while I lay wide awake in bed wondering what I could do to help him and coming up empty.

  We saw Melissa and Nicholas and Nolan a few times, along with Linda and Austin, and of the five only Nicholas and Nolan were all right. Austin was clearly still devastated over Corinne from the cruise, and Linda mocked his pain with a savagery that stunned me. She’d never been the wildly supportive type but her cruelty was unbelievable. I’d actually gone out for coffee with Austin several times, at his request because he’d said I was ‘good to talk to’, and he’d spent half of each outing complaining about Linda’s horrible comments and the other half worrying about Melissa.

  Poor Melissa. She was obviously doing her best to take care of Nolan but all the happiness I’d sensed in her when she’d announced her pregnancy was gone.

  Nicholas was more pleased with his baby every time I saw him, and Nolan himself was adorable. I’d hadn’t tried to read him empathically, feeling that would be wrong since he was so little, but he just seemed to be delightful.

  If only his mother could feel that way about him.

  Everyone else thought she was tired, just having trouble bouncing back from the birth, but I knew it went far deeper than that and I hated it.

  On the last Saturday of October, Owen and I were alone at home. He’d been in his cave, of course, but had emerged for a coffee. Busy tidying up the kitchen after dinner, I exchanged a few words with him but nothing significant. We never talked about anything significant any more, we h
adn’t slept in the same bed for weeks, and we hadn’t had sex for at least a month.

  I gave a huge sigh, accidentally blowing a sheet of paper off the counter. As Owen carefully bent to scoop it up without dumping his coffee, I spotted something where it had been. “Linda’s been hounding me about that stupid USB drive and there it is.” I’d loaded it with pictures of Nolan for her then hadn’t been able to find it. “I’ll call her right now.”

  “She’s not--” Owen stared at me a moment then hurried off as fast as he could without spilling, and without finishing his sentence.

  I stared at the doorway through which he’d disappeared, confused, then went after him. I was faster because I wasn’t carrying a full mug so I caught him at the door to his cave. “What was that all about?”

  “What?”

  “You know what. Why didn’t you finish whatever you were saying?”

  “Just call her.”

  “But she’s not home. Right? That’s what you were going to say?” If he had just said that I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but his strangeness confused me.

  He slammed his mug to the hardwood floor, splattering coffee everywhere. “Fine, she’s not home. Happy now?”

  “Of course not,” I said, backing away in shock, both from the spreading puddle and from the rage exploding from him. “Did you burn yourself?”

  “Who the hell cares?”

  “I do! Owen, what’s wrong with you?”

  “Why don’t you ask Austin?”

  I fell back another step, staring at him. “I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

  “You tell me.”

  “I can’t! I have no idea what you--”

  “Why are you spending so much time with Austin?”

  My mouth fell open and I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I wasn’t spending “so much time”, and even if I had been why did he care?

  “Nicholas isn’t available so you have to go after him?”

  When I still couldn’t find a response, he turned and went into his cave, banging the door shut behind him.