Safe Harbor?

by Wardell, Heather

  Besides, the others were watching Linda, not Owen, and when I turned my attention to her I knew why. All the pain I’d seen in her lately was still there, but so much fiercer than before, and it bore a sickening fear now like a layer of slime atop a piece of rotten meat.

  We sat in the living room a while, all of us intently focused on the babies who were being their usual cute babbling selves and great distractions to boot, but eventually we ran out of things to say about the kids.

  Austin cleared his throat. “Should we do the-- sorry, Mom. Go ahead.”

  Linda, who’d started speaking when he reached his second word, shook her head. “No. You. Do the what?”

  From what I’d seen of those two in the past, a question like that could have received any one of a number of rude and suggestive responses, but neither of them seemed inclined to joke around now. Austin said simply, “The presents?” and Linda nodded.

  We did open them, but it didn’t lighten the mood. Owen gave the little slot machine coin bank, which I’d bought him in an attempt to remind him of the fun we’d had in Vegas, a brief look then muttered a thanks in my direction and set the toy aside. He’d given me some new charcoal and drawing paper, and I heard myself thanking him and knew I sounded too desperate and panicky but couldn’t control it.

  Linda gave us all hugely generous gifts, from stunning diamond earrings for me to match my horseshoe necklace to five-thousand-dollar contributions to the babies’ educational funds, and my worry mounted. She’d always been into big presents but this was over the top, and she’d also always loved opening her own presents but she seemed to be struggling to make herself do it now.

  When we’d all received everything, Nicholas said, “Mom, I... are you okay?” and I could hear my own concern in his voice.

  Linda laid her hand lightly on the last present she’d opened, the black purse with a dragonfly-patterned lining I’d given her. Without looking away from it, she said, “Later. Okay? After today.”

  We sat frozen for a moment, no doubt all realizing at once that this was the first time she’d admitted something was wrong, and I lowered my energy field to see what was going on with her. Before I picked up anything Melissa said, “Whatever it is, we can help.”

  Linda shut her eyes tight, twisting the purse’s strap hard between her shaking fingers, and I felt such a surge of despair from her that I had to bite back a gasp. Before I knew I was going to, I left my armchair and knelt on the carpet in front of her, putting my hand over hers. “We can. And we will.”

  She released the tortured strap and grabbed hold of my hand with the same ferocity. I tried not to wince, knowing she needed to hang on to something, but my pain was forgotten in an instant when she said, “You can’t. Only the doctors could, and they’re running out of ideas too.” She looked into my eyes. “I’ve got cancer. I’m losing my leg in February, and maybe my life too.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I stared into her eyes, shocked and horrified. Her pain poured into me, as did the horror rising from the others, but through it I felt a thread of relief from her too. She’d wanted to tell us and now she had. She must have been alone with this for so long.

  How long? “When did you find out?”

  She shuddered. “A year ago October.”

  Though we’d never hugged before, I couldn’t do anything but pull her close and try to comfort her. She clung to me like a terrified child, pressing her face into my shoulder, and I shut my eyes and held on. I didn’t feel right about using my empathy on her without her knowledge but I did think as many calming thoughts as I could and I willed them to help.

  All that time, all on her own. She’d had Raul at the beginning, if she’d actually told him, but he’d been gone for a year now and I couldn’t imagine she’d told anyone else.

  “Did Raul leave because of this?” Austin’s voice was low and shaking but filled with rising fury, and I had no doubt he’d go chase Raul down if she said yes.

  At the mention of her former husband’s name, though, a misery that managed to dwarf everything else she’d felt tore through her. I squeezed her tighter, then held her away a little without releasing her and said, “You made him go. Right?”

  The devastation in her eyes as she nodded broke my heart. “I’m going to be hideous,” she whispered into the silent room. Ignoring the immediate protests, she said, “That’s not how it was supposed to be. Didn’t want to put him through that.”

  “So you pushed him away to go through it alone? Smart, Mom.”

  “Austin,” Corinne said gently, her voice full of tears.

  As I wondered whether Owen might be pushing me away to avoid making me deal with something too, Linda drew back from me and said, “Okay. Enough.” She touched my cheek lightly, brushing off tears I hadn’t known I was crying. “Thought you were an ice queen,” she said, her eyes wet but warm. “Guess not.”

  She swiped away her own tears and took hold of my hand again. “Here’s the deal, guys. It’s bone cancer, chondrosarcoma, and the primary site is here.” She waved her free hand over her right shin bone about halfway between her knee and ankle. “It started hurting a year ago July but I figured I was just getting old.”

  We sat silent, waiting for her to continue, and she gave a bark of laughter that was almost her usual. “No, no, don’t tell me I’m not getting old. Please.”

  “You’re just getting better,” Nicholas said, then rushed to add, “Better not older, I mean. I’m not talking about your leg or...”

  “Darling,” she said, “this is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you guys.” She sighed. “Don’t be weird, okay. Please. I need you to be your usual selves.”

  “Then I guess,” Austin said, sounding like it hurt, “you’re not getting old, you are old.”

  “You’re an ass.” Linda’s eyes glowed and teared up at the same time. She cleared her throat. “So it was starting to hurt, and then I noticed I was losing weight.” She held up a hand as Nicholas began to protest. “And I know, I told you I wasn’t. But whatever. I was. At first it only hurt at night or after I’d walked a lot, but then it just kept getting more and more painful, and in October, a week before your wedding,” she said, waving toward Melissa and Nicholas, “I got the diagnosis.”

  We sat silent, digesting this, and I looked toward my husband. His head was held high, his face utterly blank as he stared at the Christmas tree, but his hands were both clenched into such tight fists that his knuckles were white. I wanted to go to him but I couldn’t leave Linda. She seemed calmer holding my hand.

  “So what,” Corinne said slowly, “have you done so far? Chemo or radiation or...”

  “With where it is,” Linda answered as her grip tightened on my hand, “and the kind of tumor it is, the only real treatment is... amputation.”

  “Then why haven’t they done that?” Austin burst out. “Like, the day after it was diagnosed? Or the day of, for that matter?”

  Linda looked down at her leg, the one with the tumor, the one with her dragonfly tattoo, and sighed.

  I felt her misery rise again along with feelings of embarrassment and self-hatred and said, “They wanted to, but you wouldn’t. Right?”

  She looked up at me. “Stop reading my damn mind. I knew I’d have to do it eventually, but it wasn’t spreading and they said until it did I could get away with waiting.”

  The sudden hint of guilt in her emotions told me this wasn’t entirely true, but I let that go because Nicholas was saying, “And now it’s spreading?”

  She gave a single curt nod.

  “When do they... when’s the surgery?”

  “February 17th.”

  I looked at Owen again, since he hadn’t spoken. He hadn’t moved either, it turned out, or changed his expression even a little bit.

  Fear for him filled me, but Linda was tightening her grip on my hand so I couldn’t move away from her. “I’ll be in the hospital for seven to ten days and at the end I get fitted for...” She swallowed hard. “F
or...” She waved at her leg, and murmured, “The prosthesis.”

  I hugged her again, overwhelmed by her horror and disgust, and she whispered in my ear, “Go to Owen. He needs you too.”

  Then she pulled away from me and got to her feet and walked with a slight but noticeable limp to the doorway to the kitchen. Standing there, tall and alone, she said, “So anyhow, that’s the story.” She gave me a significant look, and I scrambled up and went to the couch to sit beside Owen as she added, “Not exactly happy Christmas news, and I wanted to keep it from you a while longer, but I’m having trouble walking now and I can only use the ‘my foot fell asleep’ excuse so many times.”

  “Whatever we can do to help,” Melissa said, “we will.” She looked around, and we all nodded. Even Owen gave one single nod. “Anything,” Melissa added to Linda.

  “I appreciate that, darling,” she said, then smiled and said, “Darlings. I’ve got appointments and all that in the new year and I might need help with those, and then of course I’ll need wheelchair-pushers for the cruise.”

  “We’re not--” Nicholas began at the same time Austin said, “But you can’t--”

  They both cut off, which left Linda the space to say, “We are. We’ve done that cruise every year for decades, and we’ll be there unless I die in surgery.” Ignoring our horror, she added, “And if that happens, you’ll all still go. And you’d have a drink in my honor and I’d expect all you girls to flirt with at least one pretty man in my honor too. Flirt with him and maybe kiss him a little. Do what you think I would do.”

  Austin and Nicholas somehow managed to summon up the courage to protest this in the joking way they knew Linda wanted, and she smiled at her boys and argued with them about how they should let their wives cheat on them for her sake and for a moment had the normalcy I knew she wanted.

  Except from Owen. He didn’t protest, he didn’t argue, and he didn’t speak.

  He did only one thing.

  When I moved closer and tried to take his hand, he pulled it away.

  *****

  Though we all had moments of silence during the day as the memory of what we’d be facing in the new year came back to us, we still had a pretty good Christmas. Linda had ordered a fully-prepared dinner of turkey and all the trimmings and we teased her about it being better than her cooking and she responded that she ought to have ordered a better family to eat the dinner with her, and I was proud of us all for holding things together.

  After dinner, though, she started to fade and eventually had to tell us it was time for us to go home. In the foyer, she stood looking lost and terrified for a moment then raised her chin and pulled Nicholas and Melissa into a hug, squeezing them so tightly that Nolan began to squirm and whimper. “Fine, I can take a hint,” she said, letting them go.

  “First time for everything.” Austin sounded almost like his usual self.

  “Shut up, you,” Linda said, then fell into his arms. After a moment she drew back enough to draw Corinne in too, and I was glad Jenna didn’t resist like Nolan had because hugging them all seemed to calm Linda a little.

  When she eventually released them, she looked for her third son and his wife, but Owen was standing as far away from me as he could so she had no chance of hugging us both at once. I opened my arms to her since she was closer to me, and she held me tight and murmured, “Don’t let him push you away. He’s like me. Don’t let him. He’ll regret it.” I heard the unshed tears in her voice and felt her desolation and knew she was talking about how she’d dealt with Raul, and I kissed her cheek and whispered, “I’ll try.”

  “Don’t try, make it happen,” she whispered back, then stepped away from me and went to Owen. He submitted to a hug, but from the looks of their embrace it must have felt to her like hugging a statue. She whispered something to him, but he didn’t respond, and she squeezed him tighter then sighed and let him go. “Okay, my darlings, you take it easy and I’ll go take a nap. And don’t worry, I’ll let you know when I need you to be my servants.”

  After a few of the sarcastic comments we knew she wanted, we headed down the walkway and she closed the door behind us.

  “Feels wrong to leave her,” Corinne said, glancing back at the house.

  Austin slipped his arm around his wife. “I know, but it’s how she wants it.” He looked around at the rest of us. “Maybe we can talk soon about how we can take care of her without pissing her off?”

  Melissa and Nicholas nodded, and I did too, and Owen turned and stalked toward his car.

  “Good luck,” Austin murmured to me. I grimaced and followed my husband. I had to almost run to keep up, and even so he was already inside and buckled up when I opened my door.

  Not a sound from him as we drove home, and I couldn’t think of anything to say either. Finally, when he was only a few turns away from the condo, I turned in my seat to face him and said, “Owen, I’m so sorry.”

  His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I don’t want to talk.”

  “If you want to later--”

  “I won’t.”

  “I’m here if you do,” I said, knowing I was risking making him furious at me again but wanting him to know I did want to support him. Kelly and all that didn’t matter any more; my husband was hurting and I hated it.

  He didn’t answer, and when we got home he went straight to his cave without so much as a glance in my direction.

  *****

  The cave was his bedroom that night, and the next night and the next, and soon it didn’t seem like he ever planned to sleep in our bed with me again. He only came out for food, and he took that right back in with him without speaking to me unless he absolutely had to. Though I couldn’t feel that he was hurting I knew he was, and I longed to help but didn’t know how.

  When I called Linda a few days after Christmas to check on her, she insisted she was fine then tried to get me to tell her how Owen was doing. “Quiet” was all I could say but she knew what I really meant.

  “He’s like me, doesn’t like to talk about problems,” she said, sighing. “But honestly, I wish I’d told you guys earlier. Wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long. He’d feel better too, if he’d just talk to you. Tell him I said so.”

  Hard to do, when I never saw him. I had to work between Christmas and New Years since I had no more vacation days, and though he did have days he’d been planning to work too so he could get ahead while most people were on holidays, but instead he took time off so he could stay in his cave. In his cave and away from everyone including me.

  Especially me?

  I wasn’t sure, but I thought so, and the fight we’d had right before Linda’s announcement weighed heavily on me. Even if he wanted to turn to me, how could he after I’d blamed him for the end of our marriage?

  The only thing we did together over that week was Leonard’s New Year’s Eve party. I didn’t want to go, since the previous year it had been Tam and Leonard’s party and I didn’t like feeling like I was taking his side over hers in their split, but Owen emailed me from his cave to say he wanted to be there and since it was the first thing he’d been interested in since Christmas I couldn’t fight him despite how much being contacted by email by my husband hurt.

  I dressed in everything he liked best, making sure that he saw I was wearing the slip he’d given me in Vegas under my dress, but I might as well have gone in a garbage bag for all the attention I got from him. At the party he threw back three glasses of champagne in quick succession then became all chatty and friendly with everyone, but that scared me more than his silence because I knew it was fake. I hated the idea of what putting on a happy front, denying his understandable feelings so much, might be doing to him.

  As midnight approached the conversation inevitably turned to resolutions and goals for the upcoming year. I half expected Owen to say getting rid of me was his goal, but he just grinned too widely at everyone except me and said, “I’m perfect, so why have goals?”

  Everyone laughed and agreed with him
, and while they shared their own plans I remembered that last year I’d resolved to learn how to control my emotions without Owen so I wouldn’t need him.

  I’d done that. I still liked the feeling of quiet safety he gave me, or at least the way he had given me that before the last few months when everything blew up between us, but I wasn’t so desperate for it any more.

  I’d done more, actually, than just learn to control myself. With Pam’s help I’d learned how I could help other people handle their emotions.

  I could probably help Owen, if he’d let me.

  I didn’t need him any more, not in the way I had, but did he need me?

  And if so, would he ever tell me?

  I made a silent resolution right then and there: if he reached out, I would do what I could for him.

  Even if it meant telling my no-nonsense husband about my ability.

  Even if it meant I’d lose him.

  After everything he’d done for me, even unintentionally, he deserved that.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  For the first few weeks of the new year, I might as well have been single. Owen and I lived in the same space but I rarely saw him and he didn’t speak to me when he could avoid it.

  On January second I went to dinner with Dawn and Erin, as we always did on the first Thursday of the month, but I couldn’t relax and enjoy it. My friends were shocked about Linda’s condition, of course, and Dawn said, “You should be at home with Owen. Never mind us,” then they were even more shocked when I admitted he didn’t want me around. Neither of them pointed out that we’d always had a non-emotional marriage and Owen was just continuing that pattern, but I knew they were thinking it and so I couldn’t tell them how much it hurt that he wouldn’t rely on me the way Nicholas and Austin were leaning on their wives.

  And, for that matter, how much it hurt that I couldn’t lean on him either. Though I’d thought Linda was a nightmare early on, I’d grown attached to her and the thought of her not making it through the surgery haunted me.