Losing Her

by Cori Williams

  We made the short drive to the hall where his sergeant’s retirement party was being held. I had met his sergeant one other time when we had first got married, when Conner won an officer of the year award—an award that we were both very proud of. The sergeant was a great man and I knew Conner was going to miss having him around.

  I looked sideways at my husband and grinned, feeling lucky as hell that I was married to this man. I reached over, running a hand through his hair, and he squeezed my thigh. “We’re here, you ready?” I nodded, even though I wasn’t. I would have rather been at home, binge watching a show on Netflix and stuffing my face—I wasn’t a big people person unless it came to my career—but I was here for Conner. I was introduced to people that I didn’t know, and said ‘hi’ to the people I recognized.

  “Hey, I’m Justin,” the man who we sat down next to introduced himself, sticking out a tattooed arm and I looked at him in confusion. This guy is a police officer? He looks anything but. “I work with Conner,” he explained with an easy smile. “You’re Campbell, right?”

  “He actually talks about me?” I asked dryly and Justin laughed. When it came to his job, Conner was all business, which I guess was understandable. He didn’t mix his personal life with work.

  “Yeah, we’re both pretty pathetic, all we do is talk about our wives.” I noticed the wedding ring on his left hand and glanced around.

  “Is your wife here? I’d love to meet her.”

  “No,” he frowned. “Della couldn’t make it. I was pretty bummed, but she promised to make me up to it later.” He winked and I instantly knew I liked this guy. He was laid back, sarcastic, and funny; somewhat of a complete opposite from Conner who could be a bit uptight sometimes, very intense, and demanding, even though I loved every one of those qualities—most of the time. Justin kind of reminded me of Lawson as we continued to talk, and I think that’s why I was drawn to him—I missed my best friend. After we are, a DJ started playing music and Conner grabbed onto my hand, excusing us and dragging me to the dance floor. “Are you really flirting with some guy right in front of everyone?”

  I started to laugh but it quickly died in my throat when I saw his eyes set into a stern glare. “I wasn’t flirting, Conner. He’s married. I thought you liked Justin, we were just being friendly.”

  “I did like him until he set eyes on my wife and has done nothing but eye fuck you since.”

  “What? You’re being ridiculous. He’s been talking to me about his wife the whole night. He thought maybe we could get together, they aren’t from around here and he thought we would get along. That’s all.”

  He grunted and I stopped moving. “You know what? I don’t know what your problem is, but I really don’t feel like dancing anymore, or even being around you.” I turned to walk away but he grabbed onto my wrist, his fingers digging into my skin, making me wince.

  “Campbell, quit being a bitch.”

  My mouth dropped open, tears stinging at my eyes. Conner had never once used that word, or any other word like it, with me, and it was shocking to say the least. I pulled my hand free from his tight hold and rubbed at my wrist. “I’m sorry I wasn’t aware I was being such a bitch,” I hissed and he blinked, frowning.

  “I’m sorry, Cam. I didn’t mean it. Come here.” This time he pulled me to him gently and rubbed a soothing thumb against my wrist. “I’m just stressed. You know I’m up for that promotion and I guess tonight’s just getting to me. Forgive me?”

  I nodded silently and let him press a kiss to my lips. “I think I need another beer,” he declared before leading me to the bar area—And that beer led to another, and then another. By the time the night was over, my husband was drunk and Justin helped me get him to the car. Luckily, Conner didn’t mention anything to him about his supposed flirting with me.

  “You alright to get home?” Justin opened the driver side door of Conner’s truck for me, and I hopped in.

  “Oh yeah, I didn’t have anything to drink. Even though I hate driving the beast, I think I can manage.”

  “Alright, well, have fun dealing with that,” he pointed over my shoulder and I rolled my eyes.

  “Oh, I’m sure I will. See ya.”

  When we got home, I basically had to drag Conner into the house, and strip him down to his boxers before I headed to the bathroom to wash away my makeup and change into a nightgown. As I slid into bed, I expected to hear Conner snoring; but instead, he instantly pulled me to him, pressing his erection into my stomach. “Whoa there, mister. I think you just need to get some sleep.” I shoved at his chest, but he just pressed tighter.

  “No sleep, Cam. I’m gonna fuck you good and hard, and then I can sleep.” This all came out in a slurred mess that I could somehow understand, and I rolled my eyes. I was definitely not in the mood to deal with this shit. Not after tonight. I was drained.

  “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep. I think you need to do the same, sleep it off.” I moved to roll over but he wouldn’t let me, instead he trapped my arms above my head, caging me in. I bit down on my lip to control the panic that was slowly starting to seep in. “Conner stop it, I’m really not in the mood. You’ve been an ass all night.”

  He soundlessly yanked up my nightgown with one hand, keeping my arms trapped with the other before pushing down my underwear. I squirmed underneath him, bringing one of my legs up, but he quickly blocked it; as if he knew each of the moves I was about to make before it happened. “I said stop it!” but he wasn’t listening. Now, his hands were moving between my legs, and no matter how much I tried to fight him off, he didn’t care. He didn’t stop.

  I screamed in pain as he roughly slammed inside me with one push. This wasn’t right, my entire body was trying to tell me that as I fought against him. He grabbed at my head, slamming it backwards and I winced, seeing black spots when it met the wooden headboard. “Conner, stop. Now.” I demanded sternly, narrowing my blurred eyes at him while trying to lift a hand to rub at my aching skull; but he wasn’t listening. This wasn’t my husband hovering above me with his head tipped back, pounding into me hard, in and out, again and again. This was a complete stranger.

  “Almost there baby, you like this don’t you? You like when I treat you like a slut, huh?” He pulled out all the way and I sighed in relief before getting my wits about me and trying to climb out from underneath him—but he was too fast. His nails bit into me as he yanked me backwards, flipping me over onto my stomach and then entering me from behind.

  “Stop, Conner. Please.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I gripped the comforter, praying for this to be over. He was handling me harder than ever before, and there was no stopping him; so I tried to focus on something, anything really, to take my mind off of what was really happening. I had to, because I couldn’t believe this could really be happening. His hand slapped against my ass, bringing me back to reality. I winced at the sting, but then sighed in relief when he pulled out and I felt warm spurts land on my back before his weight slid off the bed, and he left my body to tremble, alone. I felt so alone.

  Did my husband just…rape me?

  * * *

  I had been sitting in the shower so long, the water had turned to ice. My skin was shriveled, but that’s not what my eyes were glued to. I couldn’t seem to pull them away from the purple bruises that had started to form, spattered on the inside of my thighs—making what happened the night before, real. It wasn’t a dream, the marks on my body were proof. Conner had taken advantage of me when I said no.

  He finally came into the bathroom, stumbling around before relieving himself in the toilet and then turned around, scratching at his bare chest. When his eyes landed on me, he blanched. “What are you doing, baby?” The confusion in his voice was evident. He opened up the door to our towel closet before reaching in and shutting off the water. When I didn’t move, he leaned in and grabbed ahold of me. I flinched.

  This man that I had married, touched me and my whole body recoiled. He crouched down next to the tub, his e
yes rimmed in red after the late night he had—But no guilt sat in them. “Campbell, what’s wrong? Let’s get you out of the shower and warmed up. You’re shivering.”

  I hadn’t noticed. I guess my body was numb or I’d gone into shock. I didn’t want him to touch me again, so I willed myself to move, peeling myself from the floor. Every bone in my body ached from sitting under the water, curled up, for so long. I jumped when Conner made a move to wrap me in the towel, so he then gingerly handed it to me, making no contact. I wrapped myself in the fluffy material and disappeared into our closet, feeling Conner close behind. My head was a mess. He was acting like he did nothing wrong, as if he didn’t know what he had done. Did I imagine it? Was he just being rough? Did he not hear me say stop?

  I threw on an oversized t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants, causing some of the warmth to return to my frozen body. I flipped off the light and stepped out of the closet, looking at the bed—the comforter thrown off and the sheets twisted. I headed for the living room, wrapping myself in a blanket and resting my head on one of the decorative pillows we had picked out together. I felt hollow.

  “Campbell, are you going to talk to me? I’m starting to get a little worried about you. Do you not feel well?”

  I opened my mouth to speak and then stopped, swallowing over the dryness. “Why did you drink so much last night?” I whispered, and he groaned.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I know how you are when it comes to drinking, which is understandable. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately.” He crouched down in front of me, but kept his hands balanced on the edge, careful not to touch me. “Is that what’s wrong? I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “No, Conner.” I looked away to avoid his eyes, to me they looked like a stranger’s eyes. I didn’t even recognize my own husband. I’m living with a stranger, an imposter, the man who I think raped me. “You don’t remember anything about last night? You don’t remember getting home? You don’t remember…I told you to stop, Conner.”

  I finally looked at him, needing to see his reaction. His face paled and he sat back on his feet, his body swaying. “Baby, I didn’t…I wouldn’t do that to you. I promise. I don’t know what happened.”

  “Do you want to see what happened?” He backed up when I rose from the couch and I lowered my pants, letting them pool around my ankles. He sucked in a sharp breath and I closed my eyes, looking away from him. “And these.” I held out my arms so he could see the marks he left around my wrists, too.

  “Fuck.” He snapped, making me jump backwards. I peeled one eye open and saw his features twisted in despair, tears streaming down his face. He dropped to his knees in front of me. “Campbell, I would never do anything to hurt you. You have to believe me, baby. I swear to God I’ll never drink again in my life if you’ll forgive me. But the alcohol isn’t an excuse. I fucked up. I wouldn’t ever purposely hurt you. You’re my life.”

  “Conner,” I held up a hand. “I need some time to think. You need to give me that at least. Please.”

  “Alright,” he stood up, wiping at his face. “Take all the time you need, I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

  Chapter 17

  Campbell

  “HEY, TESS.” I answered quietly, not sure if I was ready to talk to her right now. It had been two days since Conner… since whatever Conner did to me. Now that I’d had time to think about it and given how remorseful he had been, I thought I had overreacted. But I hadn’t talked to anyone about it. I didn’t know if I was ready to talk to Tess about it.

  A deep voice sounded from the other line and I blanched. “Can’t avoid me now, can ya?”

  “Lawson.” My lips pursed and I was getting ready to end the call, but something in me wouldn’t let me. I pressed the phone to my ear, waiting, for what I wasn’t really sure. I just knew that right then, his voice was so comforting, and I just wanted to forget about the grudge that I’d been holding just so I could have him be a part of my life again.

  “Campbell.”

  “What did you do? Steal Tess’s phone?”

  “Nope.” He answered with a pop. “She gave it to me. She’s not on your side this time.”

  “Oh, and why’s that?”

  “Because she let me explain myself unlike you.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. “Explain yourself.”

  “You know I wanted to be there, Campbell. I tried everything to get there, I missed a show, and then I missed my flight. And then I finally get there and your husband tells me not to bother coming, that you don’t want me there.”

  “What? What are you talking about, Lawson? Why would he say that?”

  “I guess you’ll have to ask him because I have no fucking clue. I figured you didn’t need the drama that day, so I left.”

  “I don’t understand,” I murmured, glancing at my computer screen that I’d been looking at for most of the day, even though I hadn’t been able to get any work done. My brain wouldn’t shut off.

  I felt like my husband was a complete stranger. I didn’t understand what his thinking would be behind not having Lawson there, unless he was jealous? He had never shown any jealousy towards my relationship with Lawson before, though.

  “Well, does this mean you’ll at least stop ignoring my calls? I miss you.” I pressed the phone to my ear and sighed. I could never be mad at Lawson for long, he just had this way of making me forget just about anything.

  “I’ve missed you, too,” I admitted. “We need to catch up.”

  I spent the next hour on the phone with Lawson. After I hung up, I felt slightly better, but I knew I wasn’t getting any work done; so I turned off my computer and closed the door to my new home office that Conner had set up for me.

  “Hey,” Conner’s voice was quiet but I still jumped, pressing my back against the closed door and lifting a shaky hand to my chest.

  “You scared me.”

  He winced and took a step back. “Sorry, Cam. I just finished early and figured I would bring you some lunch home.” He held up a bag from my favorite deli, a peace offering. “And I got these.” One corner of his mouth lifted up when I spotted the box in his other hand; a pink lips label slapped on the top, telling me they were from my favorite bakery that was hundreds of miles away. He must’ve had it delivered. He was really pulling out all of the stops now.

  “Well, thanks. I guess we can go eat.”

  I heard him let out a deep breath as he followed behind me into the kitchen. He was trying, hard. I had to give him a chance. I’d thought of a ton of different possibilities over the past couple of days. I was pissed, but I couldn’t imagine Conner not being in my life.

  He watched me with amusement as I scarfed down my egg salad bagel and slurped up my potato soup. “What? I was starving.” I licked at my lips and ripped open the bakery box, my mouth watering at the sight of the cupcakes.

  “Yeah, I can tell. Were you busy getting some work done this morning? I thought I heard you on the phone when I came in.”

  “I’ve been keeping busy, but that wasn’t business. It was actually Lawson.”

  “Really. I didn’t know you were talking to him again. How’d that happen?” he shifted in his seat, taking a bite of his sandwich.

  “It just did,” I shrugged my shoulders. “He said something awfully strange to me though. Apparently you told him I didn’t want him at my dad’s funeral? Why would you say that?”

  “What? I never said that. Why the hell would I do that?” the confusion on his face seemed real; but as I stared at him, I wasn’t not sure who I believed and who exactly this man on the other side of the table really was.

  Chapter 18

  Campbell

  I’D BEEN WAITING for a hiccup, every day since that night that Conner turned into a monster before my eyes. But it didn’t come. In fact, our relationship was better than ever, and the weight that was sitting on my chest had completely disappeared.

  “Baby, let’s talk about babies.” Conner grinned and wrapped an arm around my wai
st, pulling me into his warmth.

  My eyes immediately popped open. “Babies?” my voice came out a little scratchy, and I felt an unknown sense of panic rising.

  “Yeah, I think we’re ready,” he traced his nose against my neck before dropping his lips to my collarbone. “Don’t you?”

  “I honestly don’t know, Conner. Why do you think we’re ready? I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready”

  “What?” his lips stopped their journey and he lifted himself up onto his elbow. “Why not?”

  “I don’t know.” I rolled out from underneath him and sat up, wrapping the sheet around my body.

  “I think I know why. It’s because of your parents, right?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it when I realized he had hit the nail right on the head. “You’re not them, Campbell. You’re a good person and you would make an awesome mom. Just think about it, alright? And in the meantime, we can practice.”

  He wiggled his eyebrows and pulled me onto his lap. “I think I’d be alright with practicing.”

  * * *

  “Have you heard the news?” Tess asked, or at least I think that’s what she asked over the noise of a toddler and a baby in the background.

  “Huh, what?”

  “I said, have you heard the news?” Her words echoed and the noise had lessened, so I assumed she had escaped to the bathroom.

  “Well, I hear a lot of news every day, most of the time it’s not that exciting though so I’m guessing, no, I haven’t heard the news.”