by Jessa Russo
”Hey, Jess. I’m glad you came. Who are your friends?” He gritted his teeth behind a forced smile, and I could tell he struggled to be polite. And when he said ‘friends,’ he wasn’t looking at me, just Greg.
“Hey, Scottie! Great party! This is my boyfriend Greg—”
Greg extended his hand, but Scottie ignored it, looking down at me as if just realizing I was even there. He stared at me for a split second before recognition dawned on his face, and he smiled—a real, genuine smile—not the scary smile Greg received.
“—and you remember my best friend Ever, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, your lesbian lover, if I remember correctly?” He laughed and winked at me, which made me laugh too. I still found it quite funny that Jessie’s school thought she’d been coming out of the closet when she brought me to her prom last year. Jessie smiled awkwardly and glared at me, pissed that people still joked about it. She’d never seen the humor in it like I had. Greg turned to Jessie, a smile on his face and his eyebrows raised in question.
“Lesbians, huh? I can get down with that.” Greg put his arms around both of us and laughed.
Jessie glared at me again. “Oh, Ever. Do you see? It never ends.” To Greg she said, “And, no. Don’t get any ideas, Greg. It’s not that kind of party.”
They both laughed, and Jessie dragged him over to the keg, leaving me trapped in the corner with Scottie.
“Ever, huh? Cool name. I remember you from prom last year.”
Yeah, I’d figured that much out by the lesbian comment. “Thanks. So, was that your dad just now, Scottie?”
“Oh, yeah, but he’s not usually like that. It’s just been … different … since my mom died. And it’s just Scott. I don’t know why Jess insists on calling me Scottie like we’re still in third grade.”
“Oh, don’t worry; she sometimes calls me by my full name. I’d take a third grade nickname over that any day.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I stopped him. “Uh-uh, don’t even go there. I won’t tell you what it is.”
“Okay. Okay. I get it.” He laughed and lifted his hands in surrender. “You can tell me when you’re ready.”
Which will be never.
A large group of kids gathered around the pool, chanting, drawing our attention outside. Scott’s dad was at the center of the group, beer bong in hand, standing on top of a rock slide in just his boxers. Scott rolled his eyes and groaned, turning his attention back to me.
“See?” He motioned toward the backyard and shook his head. “First keg stands, and now this. My mom would flip if she could see him right now.”
“Yeah. That’s um … cool, I guess.”
“You don’t have to lie, Ever.”
“So, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but … you said your mom died? Was it recently?”
“Yeah, just last month actually.”
He leaned in closer, his momentary displeasure toward Jessie and Greg no longer apparent on his face. I could tell by the sudden glint in his eyes that he had set his sights on me. It happened at every party I went to with Jessie. Something about being the mysterious girl who no one knew was apparently hard to resist. The elusive homeschooled chick. Yeah, I’m irresistible all right.
Oh well. Whatever takes my mind off Toby.
“Wow, I’m sorry. I mean, I know ‘sorry’ sucks to hear, but … well, I understand. My dad died last month as well.”
“No shit, really? Man that sucks. Well then, I guess I’m sorry too. Should I say I’m ‘sorry for your loss,’ or does that bug you as much as it bugs me?”
We both laughed at that and moved on to compare stories about all the people who had said stupid things in their attempts to console us. We talked about how our parents died—the funerals, the time leading up to the funerals, and the way our remaining parents changed since the death of their spouses. Turns out it wasn’t just my mom who’d drastically changed, though our parents changed in opposite ways. Where my mom curled up inside herself, Scott’s dad decided to live every second like it was his last. From skydiving and rock climbing to tonight’s being a kid again—and the life of the party.
We were sitting at the kitchen island, a freshly poured beer in front of each of us. I played with a Sharpie, doodling on the side of my red cup instead of actually drinking its contents.
“You’re not much of a drinker, are you?”
I smiled, my cheeks flushing just a bit. “So, it’s obvious?”
“Yeah. I’d say so. But hey, it makes a great art project.” He motioned to my doodling before standing up and heading to the fridge.
“Okay, there’s Coke, Sprite, Red Bull, and … oh, Cactus Cooler, too.”
Ah, perfection. “A Cactus Cooler would be perfect.”
When he returned with my drink, he sat so close to me that our knees touched. I reflexively moved my legs away, not wanting to be that close to another guy, but after quick consideration, I put them back. Scott was sweet, and I enjoyed talking to him. The distraction was welcome, and my mind was almost completely distracted from thinking about that other person—or, those other people.
We’d been sitting in the middle of the kitchen, talking for almost three hours, when he reached a hand up to run through his unruly blond hair, and I noticed how cute he was.
He caught me looking at him and paused. The hand absently taming his hair slowly made its way to rest on top of my thigh, and his other hand reached up and settled on the back of my neck. My body tensed up—little did he know I’d only kissed one other guy. He leaned in to kiss me, and my heart skipped a nervous beat. My head screamed at me to run away!—or maybe that was my broken heart screaming at me—but I ignored it. I had to move on with my life. Frankie was a ghost, and Toby was an asshole. He was obviously not interested in me anymore. Toby suddenly coming back to me was as likely as Frankie suddenly not being a ghost anymore. Pining for either of them was pointless and silly and had caused me nothing but pain. Lots and lots of pain.
I closed my eyes and leaned toward Scott, anticipation and a little bit of guilt making my nerves jittery. Guilt! What’s wrong with me? I parted my lips slightly, and when his lips connected with mine I was …
Disappointed.
I’d hoped I would feel the same spark I felt with Toby, but … nothing. I was doomed. I once thought no one would ever be able to kiss me the way Toby had. Turns out that was a safe assumption. Damn.
Kissing Scott wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t even bad, really. It just wasn’t … Toby.
Or Frankie. Not that I would ever know what that felt like.
Wow, I am pathetic.
Jessie walked up right then and interrupted us by clearing her throat. I’ll admit it: I was a bit relieved. I felt horrible for feeling that way, but I couldn’t help it. My heart was already torn between two guys—there really wasn’t room for a third.
Jessie tried to hide a look of utter horror with one of her trademark million-dollar smiles, but I could tell something was wrong. Shoot. She can’t be mad at me for kissing Scott, can she?
“Jess, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Where’s Greg?”
“Um, yeah, Ev, everything’s fine; it’s just time to go, that’s all. Hey, Scottie, thanks for the great party. See you at school on Monday.” She grabbed me by the hand and started pulling me toward the front of the house.
“Jess, wait—you aren’t mad that he kissed me, are you?”
Scott caught up to us, grabbing our arms to stop us.
“Wait! Why are you guys leaving? Ever? Stay awhile. I’ll drive you home later. Jess, I’ll drive her home, okay?”
Looking at Scott’s pleading face, I knew he couldn’t actually drive me home because of how much beer he’d likely had to drink, but I did want to stay. Sort of. I had finally been feeling somewhat normal. I was carrying on a normal conversation and had even laughed a little. I liked the way Scott looked at me, and the kissing aside, I liked the way Scott make me feel: not as broken. It was nice to have my mind on other things for a change, and I fi
gured if we kept talking and stopped kissing, I could go back to being distracted from my thoughts about—
Toby.
When I saw him, it was like the wound in my heart reopened and all the pain rushed back out to the surface. Like I was bleeding internally. What is he doing here? Why can’t I just have a night out and finally feel good again?
Greg walked toward us, leaving Toby sitting on the couch with a stricken look on his face. Greg’s face was angry, and I knew they must have just had some sort of argument.
Then I saw that Toby was with someone. Oh my god. Greg must have been defending me or something.
Next to him—no, scratch that, she was practically draped on top of him—was the girl from the library. I couldn’t believe it. Toby’s eyes met mine, and I froze in place. She was oblivious to me and didn’t even seem to see that Toby had stopped paying attention to her, his gaze locked on mine, his body tense like mine. Clearly unfazed by whatever Greg had just said to Toby, the girl continued running her fingertips up and down his arm and talking away, smiling to herself at whatever clever thing she was saying. I watched Toby’s fists clench, clearly angry at seeing me here. Oh god, he hates me.
My heart pounded, and my eyes burned. A pain formed in my stomach, and I couldn’t stop looking at them, even though it killed me inside.
I knew I couldn’t just stand there and stare at him in shock, but now that he’d seen me too, I knew I couldn’t run away either. Could I?
I quickly sorted through my options. Option one: confront him. I imagined marching over there and screaming at him and making a scene, throwing my drink on her, possibly even … no, too dramatic. Option one was out. Option two: say hello and act like I didn’t care that he was with someone else. I knew that would be incredibly painful and close to impossible. Or, option three—the easiest and most attractive option: run like hell in the other direction. Yes. That’s the one.
“Ev,” Jessie whispered, “why are you nodding your head?”
Whoops.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t take my eyes off Toby, which meant I wasn’t likely to run away either. So, I chose option two. Because clearly, I hated myself and enjoyed inflicting pain upon my heart.
I grabbed Jessie and walked over to where they sat on the couch. I tried to look happy when I approached him, but the tears were knocking right behind my eyes, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost all composure. I’m sure my forced smile looked more like a painful grimace, but it was too late to choose option three. Greg stood behind us, one hand on my shoulder, lending support. I tried to muster up all the nonchalance I could. I pictured Toby’s carefree stance outside my house that first day I met him and tried to copy it, but picturing him on that gorgeous day only made my heart hurt more and my grimace tighten.
Toby stood when I approached, sparing a quick, angry glance at Greg. Toby was probably mad Greg didn’t stop me from coming over here. What an asshole.
I felt Scott come to stand next to me before I heard him speak. He looked from Toby, to Jessie, and then to Greg, before looking back at me, trying to assess the situation. I could tell he was searching my face for some indication of what was going on, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Toby.
Scott reached out and grabbed my hand, and my stomach tightened. Toby’s gaze locked on our clenched hands, and he narrowed his eyes. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
Scott leaned over and whispered, “Hey, Ever, what’s going on? Are you okay?”
“She’s fine. Who are you?”
Oh, hell no. He’s kidding, right? Does he really think he can speak for me?
I scoffed at Toby, unable to keep my mouth from falling open. I turned my attention to Scott, whose face was reddening. I could tell he was offended that this stranger would stand in his home and have the audacity to ask him who he was.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Scott. I should probably go.”
I looked back at Toby, locking eyes with him, daring him to speak on my behalf again. A million feelings and thoughts flooded my mind, anger leading the pack. I swear I saw relief in his eyes. Is it relief that I’m leaving? Geez, what did I ever do to him?
“Hey,” was all he said. Hey? Is he serious right now? After not seeing Toby for four weeks and then seeing him there, with her … all he could say to me was ‘hey?’ It seemed so casual, so careless … so … .
Oh.
It is casual.
He’s over me.
The knot in my stomach twisted tighter.
The girl from the library stood next to Toby and laced her fingers in his, prompting my stomach to do a somersault. I’d only had half a soda, but I felt like that little bit would be making a comeback soon. I dropped Scott’s hand, unable to inflict the same pain in Toby as this girl inflicted in me. Whether he cared for me or not, I could be the bigger person. Toby pulled his hand away then shoved it in his pocket.
The girl stuck out her now-free hand. I tore my eyes away from Toby’s and found myself staring at her long, red-tipped fingers as if they were attached to an alien. Which they very well could be. I shuddered. I was suddenly very aware of the chipped black polish on my nails as I reluctantly returned her handshake.
“Hi! I’m Ariadne. Are you guys friends of Tobias’?” She addressed all of us, but her eyes never left mine.
Tobias. She said his name like they’d known each other forever. I’d only overheard his dad call him Tobias. I felt that ball of jealousy churn a little more in my gut, growing ever larger and harder to ignore as I looked at her standing in front of me, holding Toby’s hand. The hand I should be holding.
Used to hold, Ever. Past tense. The hand I used to hold.
With her hair down, I saw it mirrored mine in length and color. But that’s where the similarities stopped. It was beautiful and lustrous, that perfect blue-black shining like it had just been polished. It hung elegantly over one shoulder, every hair in place—with not a single flyaway or broken piece that I could see. I felt my hand reach up to smooth my hair, my self-conscious habit popping up at the most inopportune time. She had perfect skin so pale it reminded me of a porcelain doll. It was so beautiful next to her dark hair and yellow eyes.
I hate her.
Her lips were big and full, which I hadn’t noticed at the library—probably because I’d had no need to analyze her then, not knowing she was with Toby. Ugh. Tonight she had on a dark, glossy red lipstick that gave her mouth a look of pouting, but not in a bratty toddler way. Oh no, this was a very sexual pout.
I really hate her.
I found myself comparing the two of us. It’s only natural. Looking back at Toby, I wondered what he ever saw in me.
Jessie’s elbow connected with my side, reminding me that the girl had been speaking to me. I tore my gaze away from Toby and looked back at her, trying to recall what she’d said. She was looking at me with a glint of curiosity in her eyes, her amusement apparent. What had she asked me? Friends of Tobias. Her voice floated through my mind. Oh yeah. Friends.
“Well, no, I guess not. We used to be, um, friends. Not anymore.” I snuck a sideways glance at Toby when I said it but didn’t linger on his face for long. Looking at him was too painful.
She had a good five years on me, I could tell—a good five inches, too. She stood with pride, as if she knew everything there was to know about life—and about Toby too, I imagined. Her confidence, much like Jessie’s, was almost palpable.
I am so out of my league.
“Um, anyway, hi. I’m Ever.”
“Oh! Is this the Ever!? I’ve heard so much about you! It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you!”
The words were pleasant enough—if not completely confusing—and her voice was sweet as she spoke them, but there was something unmistakable in her eyes, an anger lurking just beyond the surface. She must know I’m his ex, then. I wondered if it was any coincidence I’d run into her at the library earlier, but I wasn’t going to be the one to mention it. She’d probably been checking me out to see if I
was competition. Seeing her now, all done up for her date with Toby, I highly doubted she had anything to worry about.
“Um, well it’s nice to meet you, too, Ariad—”
“Air-ee-add-knee,” she said, pronouncing each syllable as if I was some kind of idiot.
“Yeah, I got it. You’re named after a Greek goddess or something, right?”
Of course she is. How terribly fitting.
“Oh great! Most people have no idea how to pronounce my name. It’s so frustrating! I’d rather have a simple, easy name like yours. Is it short for something?” She paused, waiting for a response, but I gave her none. “Well, anyway, you can just call me Ari. That’s what Tobias calls me, and since you’re a friend of his … .” She trailed off then, looking at him and nuzzling her nose against his neck.
His jaw twitched slightly, and my stomach churned.
“You look so familiar, Ever. Have we met somewhere before?”
She was toying with me now, the glint in her eyes daring me to talk about our chance meeting at the library. What I didn’t know was why.
I stood there like an idiot, not knowing what to say. I was getting really good at that.
“So, did you guys like the band? I’ve known the drummer for ages.”
Ah. So that’s why they’re here. Just my luck that I’d go to a high school party with a bunch of high school kids I didn’t know, and Toby—who was definitely not in high school—would just happen to be there with his hot new girlfriend because she would just happen to be friends with the band. Of course.
PS. Your friend’s band sucks.
I watched her reclaim Toby’s hand in hers as she nuzzled closer to him. The muscles in his jaw tensed again as she did so, and I figured he was at least a little uncomfortable in front of me.
Good. Asshole.
As angry as I was trying to be, that ball of pain and jealous energy was grinding away at my insides, and I felt myself start to waver just a bit, my knees growing weak. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his eyes boring into mine and threatening to swallow me up into those beautiful sapphire pools. Jessie must have sensed it because she grabbed my hand and pulled me back the way we’d come. As we walked away, she turned back to Ariadne.
