by Jessa Russo
“Well, it was just fantastic to meet you, AU-ree-ANNA. But we were just leaving, so we will just have to get together some other time. Enjoy the party!” Purposely mispronouncing her name, Jessie left her with the most deliciously evil smile I’d ever seen her turn on anyone. Moments like this were why I adored my best friend.
She pulled me through the crowd, stopping only once—to watch with wide eyes as a side of me she’d never seen before pushed its way to the surface … I grabbed a freshly poured beer out of the hand of one of the partygoers and chugged it until it was gone.
Yuck. I don’t know what I was thinking.
I don’t even know what happened to Scott after that—I didn’t look back the whole time. Heck, I was barely even looking forward. I let Jessie lead me to the car, Greg’s hand resting supportively on my back the entire way.
Once we were inside Greg’s yellow beast, Jessie let all her anger out in a rush.
“Oh. My. God! Some people! It’s only been four weeks since you guys broke up! Four weeks! What a dirtbag! And he hasn’t even called you! Oh my god! I am so pissed right now! What a dick. And I can’t believe he would show up to a high school party! I mean, gross, how old is he? And how old is she? Like thirty-five or something? Who cares if you know the band! Ugh! Did you even see what she was wearing? I mean, my gosh, have some class—”
“Jessie, stop. I’m sure Ever would like to ride home in peace, babe.”
Ah, thank you, Greg.
I did want to ride home in peace. I appreciated Jessie’s anger, but sometimes … sometimes you just don’t want to hear it. Sometimes you just want to … wallow in your misery. Quietly.
Alone.
And for the record, I had seen what she was wearing, which only fueled my insecurities about my curves. She was tall and thin with legs for days like Jessie, and if I thought her outfit at the library screamed high-fashion magazine, the purple dress she’d worn tonight showed off her insanely long legs and screamed Victoria’s Secret Catalogue. Or maybe Frederick’s. I imagined Toby running his hand up one of those legs … and then I imagined them wrapped around him … Ugh. Thanks to my vivid imagination, and the whole cup of beer, I was definitely going to be sick soon.
I didn’t say a word the rest of the ride home, and thankfully, neither did Jessie or Greg. They also spared me from their usually frequent displays of affection.
Thank God for small favors.
When we pulled up in front of my house, there was a car in the driveway that didn’t belong.
Ugh.
Seeing the car when I did, and coming to the same conclusion as I was, Jessie turned around to face me in the back seat.
“Hey, Ev, do you want to come out with Greg and me for a while instead? Maybe get some late-night pie at Denny’s or something? Or, we could just go to my house, just you and me? Have a sleepover?”
Though I appreciated my best friend’s attempts, I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Why oh why did my mom decide this was the night to suddenly wake up from her depression and have friends over? I hoped that Frankie wasn’t hiding out in my room while my mom’s visitors were there. I didn’t really want to see him.
I just shook my head in response to Jessie and got out of the car. Jessie rolled down the window before they drove away and shouted, “Call me later, Ev. Seriously, any time, okay? I’ll come back if you want me to.”
“So will I,” Greg shouted from behind the wheel.
I waved my hand behind me as I walked toward the house, too drained to respond with words. A glance to the side showed me that Toby’s driveway was still empty and his house was dark. Maybe he’s never been out of town after all. Maybe he’s been here all along and I just haven’t seen him coming and going. Maybe he’s been staying somewhere else, with Ariadne. That thought made my stomach turn over again, and I stopped to take a deep breath, tears silently cascading down my cheeks once more.
When I looked inside the front window of my house, I saw Bonnie and Sharon—our neighbors, and my mom’s two closest friends. Mom was crying, and both women had matching looks of concern and pity on their faces as they rubbed her shoulders and drank their tea. I figured they were trying to pull her out of her funk, and I was happy about that. Well, as happy as I could be when my own funk was all I could think of.
I decided that the last thing I wanted to deal with was my mom and her friends questioning me about my tears. They would probably assume it was because of my dad’s death, which would then lead to trying to console me, which would then lead to making me even more upset. And probably also annoyed.
Even if I could somehow make it through the house undetected by my mom and her friends, if Frankie saw me … saw my face like this … and my tears … .
No, I definitely had to avoid seeing any of them tonight.
So, I headed for the side yard and hoped I could sneak into my window undetected. I’d seen Toby pull off the screen and figured it couldn’t be too difficult.
Once I was adequately frustrated by the near-impossible task of replacing the screen from the inside, I finally gave up, sliding the glass part of the window closed. Sure there was some trick to it but too irritated to care, I sat down on my bed, pulled my knees up to my face, and cried.
All this time I’d been hoping Toby would come back, that he’d apologize and everything would be okay, that he’d tell me he loved me and we’d go back to the way we were before the accident. I’d talked myself out of my anger—well most of it anyway—and I just wanted a boyfriend again.
And all this time, he’d been with someone else.
How could I be so stupid?
She was so much older than me and so pretty—so confident. It was really no wonder. To make matters worse, they had obviously talked about me.
“Oh, is this the Ever?”
So what had he said about me? Was his relationship with me just a big joke that they liked to laugh about?
“Oh Ari, remember that little girl I dated before you? She was such a loser!”
“Hahahahaa, Tobias! How could you even stand it?”
I was heartbroken. And embarrassed. And confused.
And Toby was at my window.
I heard the light rapping on my window at the same moment I saw his face looking in. God he’s gorgeous. Even in my anger, my stupid heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. I wiped my tears on the sleeve of my hoodie and walked over to open my window. I didn’t know what to say, so again, I just stood there like an idiot.
“Can I come in?”
I snorted. Very attractive.
“Why, Tobias? Why do you want to come in?”
“I want to talk to you, Ever, please?” I watched as he started to climb into the window. I should have stopped him, I know, but I didn’t.
“You’ve had a month to talk to me, Toby. A month. What could you possibly say to me now? After all this time? After … .” Her. I was going to say, after her. But I didn’t say it.
I stayed calm and kept my voice soft, but I felt like screaming at him. Why was he suddenly here? Was it because he’d seen me with Scott? Was it the age-old ‘if I can’t have you, no one can?’ Because that’s bullshit. The tears continued to roll silently down my cheeks.
With a light thump, he was inside my room, standing in front of me. His hands cradled my face. His thumbs wiped my tear-streaked cheeks.
Before I could protest, his lips were on mine. A sob escaped me, muffled by our mouths pressed together. He pulled me closer to him. With my body pressed to his, all the pain and need I’d felt for the past month began drifting away, my own weak body betraying me as I melted further and further into his kiss.
After a few long—amazing—moments, I stopped him. Pulling back, I placed my hands firmly on his chest and pushed him away from me.
“What the hell, Toby? You can’t just come in here and kiss me like that! Like nothing happened! Like I didn’t just see you at that party with another girl!”
“Please, Ever, it’s not what you thin
k—”
“Oh, really? It sure looked like what I think.”
“I know what it looked like. I know what Ariadne made it look like. But it is not that way. Please, believe me when I tell you that we aren’t together like that, Ever. We haven’t been together since—” He paused.
Oh. I get it. An ex-girlfriend. That explains the familiarity between them. And the use of his full name. Tobias.
Was she the ex-girlfriend? The psycho?
His hands rested on my outstretched arms, his thumbs rubbing little circles on the insides of my wrists that made it very hard to concentrate. The same sparks I used to feel with him were here again, and with every touch of his thumbs, I felt more and more alive. It was making my anger a very confusing and muddled feeling. But I held on to it anyway. I have to remember why I’m so mad. I have to be strong.
“You know what? It’s not my business, anyway. You aren’t mine to claim, Toby.”
I stood there, arms stiffly extended in front of me, pushing him away, waiting for him to argue. Waiting for him to tell me he was mine to claim. Please, let him say something. I’d waited for this moment for so long now, the moment when he returned and everything was fixed. But in none of the scenarios I’d imagined in my head had I ever pictured myself walking into a party and seeing him with someone else. That thought caused a pained groan to slip past my lips. So much for composure.
He winced at the sound.
“I haven’t seen Ariadne in years, Ever. Honestly. She’s here for work, and she’s convinced herself that she and I will get back together. It’s not going to happen. I don’t want Ariadne. I want you, Ever. I left the party and came straight here. I want to be yours to claim. Please, tell me how I can fix this.”
My heart fluttered at his words. He wanted to fix this, fix us. I wanted to let him. But I couldn’t give in yet, and I was briefly shocked when my mouth opened and I said the words I should be saying, not portraying any of the excitement I was actually starting to feel.
”Fix it, Toby, really? Fix it? I needed you. My dad had just—” I stopped myself, unable to finish. “Toby, you haven’t called or come over in a month.”
He lowered his head and sighed. “I know. It’s been … it’s just … I know I should have called, Ever. I know. I should have been here for you. And I should have done something—anything—to find a way to make it work between us. But then, a few days passed, and I felt so guilty … and pretty soon it had been another few days, and I just didn’t know how to fix it … I don’t know what to say, Ever. I screwed up.”
“Yeah,” I scoffed, “That’s putting it mildly, Toby. But … I don’t understand what happened. Why did you do it?”
“I … I thought it would be best, Ever. For you. I saw how much pain you were in, and I knew I could never take being the cause of that kind of pain. I freaked out. So I left.”
“Toby, what you did … leaving me when you did … that caused so much more pain than you can even imagine. That … you … .” I shook my head, unable to say the words aloud.
You broke me.
I kept that part to myself.
“I told myself I didn’t deserve you. I figured that if I left right then, you’d be mad at me for a minute, maybe even hate me, but then you’d get over it. You’d see how wrong I was for you … you’d move on and—”
“Move on?”
I haven’t moved on at all.
“I’m so sorry, Ever. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I made a huge mistake. Please. Please, forgive me. Let me back in.”
His apology still didn’t explain why he hadn’t called, or come by, or even fought to keep me. How could he have gone this whole month without seeing me? Was he in pain all this time? Had he been hurting like I had been?
I must have relaxed my arms while I was thinking because there he was again, his breath in my face and the lingering smell of his soap on his skin, playing with my senses. I was weakening, and my anger was subsiding. I fought to hold on to that anger, to hold on to what little control I had.
“I love you, Ever. God, I love you so much. I’ve been crazy without you.”
And there it went. All of my control was gone in an instant.
He loves me.
I inhaled a quick, ragged breath, and more tears streamed down my face. Toby began kissing my cheeks. Relief flooded me, and I just continued to cry. I was letting go of all the pain of the past month without Toby, and I realized that more pain from my dad’s death was slowly creeping its way to the surface again as well.
Toby led me to the bed and held me while I cried. Just like that last night we’d been together in my room. And just like that last night, I soon became very aware of Toby’s body—so close to mine—and I wanted to feel all of him. The heat from the points where our skin connected swam through my body, and before long, I was crawling on top of him, hungry for more of his kiss and wanting nothing more than to lose myself in him. It was as though a hunger took over me and I had to make up for all of that lost time.
He pulled me down on top of him and held my face to his as he kissed me in that powerful, no holds barred way of his. Weaving his hands through my hair, his kisses grew passionate, needy. Slowly, he moved his hands from my head, down my back, and up under the hem of my shirt, giving me goose bumps all over and sending a quick shiver through my body.
“Are you cold?” he whispered, glancing over to the open window.
I giggled—my goose bumps had absolutely nothing to do with temperature—and kissed him some more. His hands continued their exploration under my shirt, and after a small struggle, my bra was undone. Oh! He didn’t do anything more than that though. He splayed his fingers across my bare back, feeling my naked skin under his hands, sending more shivers and heat through my veins.
He slowly turned us over, so I was lying on my back with him halfway on top of me, one of his legs positioned in between both of mine. He was propped up on one elbow, and his free hand slowly traced the features of my face. He stayed like that for a few moments, touching my face and looking into my eyes. His eyes were so dark and blue they reminded me of deep lagoons.
“I’m so sorry, Ever. I can’t believe what an idiot I was. I’ll never let anything like this happen again. I promise I will always fight for you.”
He traced the shape of my lips with his fingers and kissed me gently, slowly teasing my mouth with his. He gently nipped at my lower lip with his teeth, sending another welcomed chill through my body. I tangled my hands in his hair and brought his mouth down harder onto mine. I had so much lost time to make up for that I wanted to stay like that for days—our mouths pressed together, our legs tangled up, our bodies so close I felt the heat of his body through our clothes.
Pretty soon, his hand wandered again, slowly feeling the curve of my hip, down over my thigh, and up again, eventually finding its way underneath the hem of my shirt once more.
When his fingers crept their way toward my chest, exposed underneath my shirt since my bra had been unfastened, I tensed, sucking in a quick breath. I want this. I do. I want him. But I was nervous and scared—my broken heart warning me to be careful. He must have felt my body tense up because he slid his hand back down to my waist, resting it in the curve above my hip.
So many feelings bombarded me. Happiness at having him back in my life. Fear of letting him in again. Fear of losing him. Resentment. Excitement. Anticipation.
Anger too, but less and less as each second ticked by.
Then there were the physical sensations … wonderful and exciting, regardless of my responsible inner voice.
The way his hand felt on the bare, sensitive skin of my waist … the way his mouth moved with mine … the way my belly burned with expectation … the nervous beat of my heart … .
A knock on my door interrupted us, and we froze. Oh no!
“Ever?” My mom’s voice carried softly through the door. “Are you home, sweetheart? I want to talk to you. I’m so sorry for how I’ve been behaving lately, honey �
�� .”
I jumped up in a panic that elevated as I noticed my bra hanging haphazardly underneath my shirt. I knew I couldn’t fasten it very quickly without taking it all the way off and turning it around, so I grabbed my hoodie from the bed post and threw it on.
As I was worrying about my appearance, Toby had obviously been wise enough to realize that of all the things going on, my bra was probably the least of my worries. My mom was about to find a guy in my room. By the time that all dawned on me, however, Toby had already tiptoed to the window and was halfway out. He looked back at me with a devilish smile on his face, then turned to leave.
Luckily, my mom had been talking the whole time, so focused on her apology that she hadn’t heard my movements, or Toby’s escape efforts, and apparently hadn’t thought to just walk right in like she normally did.
I opened the door, and her relieved grin told me she really needed to get this apology off her chest. I soon realized how relieved I was, as well. My mom’s grief-stricken funk had really taken a toll on me—more so than I had even realized before now. She had always been so cheerful and happy, and I knew that though she’d never be quite the same as she was with my dad, I really, really wanted to see her smile again.
And sure, avoiding the motherly talks after my break-up with Toby had been nice, but was that really what I wanted? To deal with it completely on my own? No. I hadn’t wanted that at all.
I missed my dad—more than I could begin to put into words—but I didn’t want to miss my mom anymore.
The surprise visit from Sharon and Bonnie had been just what she needed to break out of the depression that I couldn’t help her break out of.
I didn’t care what or who it was that finally made her snap out of it; I was just grateful that she seemed ready to move forward.
“It will be hard, Ever, for both of us, but Daddy wouldn’t want either one of us sulking, and he surely wouldn’t want you to have to take care of me. I’m the mother here, and I need to be what you need me to be. That’s what Daddy would want. No more role reversals here.”
