by Bry Ann
“You don’t have to talk to me. Especially not now. I will say that I am so fucking hurt for you, Aly. So fucking hurt. I said we wouldn’t talk about it, but we do need to discuss one thing.”
“And that is…?”.
“Why are you trying to run again? What are you running from?”
I tried to stand up, but X put his hand on me, gently forcing me back down. “Okay, your dad made me promise to talk to you, so I will.”
X looked at me curiously and shifted around to place even more focus on what I was going to say.
“X, I’m alone. I have no one in my life, and that’s not fair to you. I still want to be friends someday, but I just need to get away and somehow deal with everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same girl you met on the train. I feel… I don’t know broken, empty somehow. I’ve already put you and your family through so much. I won’t continue to do so, Axel. I just can’t do that to you. I care too much. Don’t you get it?”
X took a very deep breath and grabbed one of my hands. His expression was serious. Probably the most serious I’d seen him.
“Listen to me closely, Aly. There is a reason my dad asked you to talk to me.” He sighed, and his expression darkened.
Despite my desire to distance myself from him, I couldn’t handle seeing him in pain. I squeezed his hand, and he gave me a weak smile.
“Aly, that’s what Sarah told me in her letter before she died. She said that the only person who has ever really loved her was me. She said she couldn’t do that to me. That I couldn’t be in charge of putting her back together, in charge of loving her and keeping her alive when she just didn’t want to be here anymore. She said that she would never again be the Sarah I knew. Aly,” he said, closing his eyes in pain.
When he opened them again, there were a few tears in them. Not anger, fury, or fighting...tears.
“I would have given every one of my limbs to tell her what I am going to tell you now. I don’t fucking care how many friends you have or how much you have to lean on me. Go ahead, lean on me! Fucking fall on me if you have to. Just don’t leave me, don’t run away. When I first met you, you were a young girl running away from home to find herself. You said the first thing that came out of your mouth and looked at the world around you with fear and amazement. You could barely carry your bag and showed up in Seattle in a white dress as if you had no clue it rained. You told me you were lost when you met me and because of it, I related to you. Still do. You’ll make friends one day. Have a great job. All those things. Life fucking changes at the speed of light.
“Ya know, this past month, we have both been so immature avoiding saying how we really feel and what we want to do moving forward. I’m done with that. I want out of this stupid fucking town, and I want to start my own boxing gym, do things my way. But whatever it is I do, wherever I go, I want you with me. I want you to be my girlfriend, and I want us to get through this together. We can talk about all the details later. I need to heal up and well, you know, we need to make sure you are stable. After that, we will make a plan, and until then, I’ve got you. Okay? Don’t worry about how many friends you have, how much money you have, or how crazy you go. Just don’t run away and we’ll somehow work shit out.”
I paused and looked at the man with black eyes and black hair. The man who was capable of so much violence and yet so much kindness, all at the same time.
“I’ve gotten better about the word vomit thing, haven’t I? I mean, l don’t just say whatever comes to my mind anymore.”
He smiled. “No, now you either ramble nervously or avoid the topic entirely.”
“Yeah,” I said, trying to bite back a smile as I looked down at my feet.
“Aly?” X said, grabbing my chin and pulling my gaze towards him like he always did when he had something important to say. “Did you mean what you said? Do you love me? I sure as hell understand if you don’t, but I need to know.”
I bit my lip and tried to look down. “Axel, please.”
“I need to know, Aly.”
“Why do you care about me so much? Why are you so nice to me? I don’t get it!”
“Easy, because I love you. I’m fucking crazy about you. You’re the most confusing, interesting woman I’ve ever met. You’re a walking oxymoron all the time, and I never stop wanting to hear all the crazy shit you have to say.”
I looked into his black eyes and realized I had to make a decision there would be no turning back from.
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
I knew she cared about me, loved me even. What I didn’t know was whether she was in love with me. I needed to be prepared if she didn’t or if she wasn’t going ever to be ready to cop up to it. I was an asshole for making her say it here and now after everything she had just been through, but I needed to know, and more importantly, I needed her to know. She had to admit it to herself. She had to know she loved me and that we were in this together.
Whatever shit was running through her head, I wasn’t going to let that ruin the trust we had built. The past is the past for a fucking reason, and my heart broke at how much hers fucking sucked, but she could have a future if she stopped running away from everything. I knew that as much as she thought she was running away from me and this town and Ginger and my family and everyone I know she’d grown to care about, that wasn’t what she was truly afraid of. The true enemy, the thing she was most scared to face… was herself. I knew this because I’d done it a hundred times myself; physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I left town, did drugs, drank, slept around, fought, and pushed anyone and everyone I could away.
None of it helped; what helped was meeting Aly.
Wanting to be better for someone else.
Making up with my parents. With Ginger. Coming to terms with Sarah’s death and holding her memory close while still moving on with my life.
I wasn’t going to let Aly piss away years of her life like I did mine. I got lucky. I made a name for myself. I made money. Aly wouldn’t be that lucky, and despite all the success I’d had, I still felt like those were wasted years.
I’d basically trapped Aly in a corner. She either copped up to her feelings for me or walked away. I saw it in her eyes, the gravity of the decision she had to make. She looked at me, pained and desperate, and bit down on her lower lip like she always did when she was nervous.
“What Ryan asked me to say,” she began carefully, “I wasn’t lying. It was true what I said.” A tear slipped down the side of her cheek. “Please don’t make me say anymore. I’m not ready.”
I tried to contain my smile as I pulled her close to me and she rested her head on my shoulder.
“No, you’re good, Aly. You’re good. We will work shit out. Okay? Just hang in there.”
She stayed wrapped in my arms for a few minutes. For the first time in a long while, she relaxed into me and snuggled close like she needed me. I pulled her as close as I possibly could and didn’t let go. I stayed quiet and just held her. She didn’t cry; she didn’t make a sound. She just stayed there peacefully until she pulled away and looked at me. Her face was serious.
“Axel, I need help. If I’m going to…” Her voice cracked, but then she sat up straighter, gathering her courage. “I’m not okay. I need professional help. I can’t keep going like this.”
I grabbed her hands and nodded. “What do you need?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay…” I said. “Let’s just relax for the rest of today. You’ve been through hell. Let’s just sit on all this, and in the next few days, we will look at the best course of treatment. Okay?”
She nodded carefully. “I don’t have money. My life’s been on hold,” she mumbled nervously.
“Yeah, I know.” I laughed. “I’ve been here, remember? Don’t worry. I got it.”
“No way!”
“Oh shut the fuck up, Aly. I’m a millionaire. I can afford to get my girlfriend help because of the hell she’s been through because of me. Now
come here!”
I pulled her down next to me, and she let out a soft laugh. She lay back on the cramped bed with me and put her head on my chest. It was the closest we’d been physically, and she didn’t flinch at all. In fact, she put her hand on my chest next to where her head was.
“You’re too nice to me,” she said as her breathing started to slow.
“It’s because you’re too good for me.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Can I ask one thing, Aly?”
“Yeah,” she said slowly.
“Where the actual fuck did you get the gun?”
“Oh, that thing,” she said flippantly.
“Yeah,” I snapped sarcastically. “The fucking weapon you pulled out of your fucking purse.”
“I got it a while ago before I ran away. It was after everything went down with…” She flinched, and I realized she couldn’t bring herself to say their names. “I applied for a gun license and got it. I thought I’d need it when I was alone looking for a place to live, but then you came forme, and I forgot about it until, you know, today.”
“Okay, if you’re going to keep it, we need to run through gun safety and you need to learn how to control that thing.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Aly, you have every right to defend yourself, but you need to be smart about it. You need to learn how to use it, and you should fucking tell me if you are going to get a deadly weapon. At least tell someone. Don’t hide it in your fucking purse. That’s a little… I don’t know. Sketchy, dangerous.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine...just, I want my dad to keep it until you’ve talked to someone about what’s going on with you.”
She nodded. “Axel?” She sounded barely awake.
“Yeah?”
“I hate to ask, but your parents are Christian, right? Do you think they’d help me? Take me to church and stuff. I miss it a lot. I feel like something’s missing in my life and I know that’s it.”
I kissed her head. “I know they will. Now go to sleep and don’t worry anymorefor today.”
I lay awake and thought through everything. I was introspective, a planner. I had to think through how to help Aly and what our next steps would be, but most importantly I had to think of a way to go to Ryan and Brandon’s court case without murdering both of them or losing my shit. There was this underlying boil in my skin that was suppressed because of the knife wound and Aly’s issues, but I could feel it building again. A few minutes into my thoughts, I felt Aly’s body go limp. I looked down, she was fast asleep. I breathed a sigh of relief. This girl deserved to be out of it for a little while. She looked at peace. My parents texted me and asked if they could come back in the room. I texted them that I wanted them in here but warned them Aly was sleeping.
Mom walked in first. It was clear she’d been crying. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Not to mention she had a wad of tissue paper hanging out of her pocket. Dad looked stoic and strong like he always did when shit hit the fan. He always stayed strong for his family, something I was trying desperately to learn from him. Mom came over and brushed some of the hair out of my face. It was the first time in years, other than right after I got stabbed, that she’d touched me without flinching. It was loving and motherly. I smiled. I could care less about that shit, but I was glad that she wasn’t scared of me anymore.
“You look pale, Hun,” Mom said as both she and my dad took a seat.
Dad was looking back and forth between me and Aly. I was sitting up and Aly’s head was still resting on my lap. She was knocked out cold.
“I’m okay, Mom. Once I get some of that blood pumping through me, I’ll be good as new,” I said with a reassuring smile.
“Does it hurt?” she asked.
“I box, Mom. I’ve taken beatings before.”
“I know, Hun, but…” she said, blinking back tears. “You were stabbed.”
A cry slipped out before she could stop it and Dad immediately put his hand on her for comfort.
“I’m okay, Mom. Honest. It hurts like a son of a …” I remembered Mom hated the word “bitch,” so I stopped myself out of respect. “It hurts, but I’ll recover.”
Dad looked at me with a pain I hadn’t seen since I told him I beat up Ryan.
“You could have died, son. You are aware of that, aren’t you?”
“But I didn’t, sand honestly, I don’t want to dwell on what could have happened, okay? I appreciate your guys’ support. You’ve been there for Aly and me, but right now, I want to focus on the issues in front of us, not behind us. I’m tired of doing that.”
“Good. How is she?” Dad said, gesturing to Aly. “How’s the girl? Did you two talks?”
I looked down at the sleeping girl in my lap. “She’s pretty messed up. He tortured her emotionally. It was painful to watch.”
“What happened?” Mom asked. “You don’t have to tell us, but we are so worried and…”
I cut her off and looked down at Aly to make sure she was asleep. She didn’t need to relive it.
“Brandon was there, the guy who tortured her in the storage closet. I should have fucking kicked his ass when I had the chance. That threw her off. I was ambushed, stabbed, and dragged into the backyard. I couldn’t do shit without them shooting Aly, so I had to stay still. I couldn’t even fucking fight. Not to mention, I had to make sure I stayed conscious. I wasn’t about to leave Aly alone with them. Anyway, so apparently, Aly had this sister. She told everyone, including me, that she died in a car accident. She told everyone that lie to protect herself, her psyche. The truth was fucking awful.” I looked down at Aly again to make sure she was asleep.
I brushed her hair back and then looked back up at my parents. I felt bad telling them, but I had to tell someone, or I was going to lose my mind.
“Turns out Aly’s sister is a sociopath. She played normal for years until one-day Aly didn’t let her win some game or some shit like that. Her sister took a game piece and shoved it down her throat, then inside her,” I cringed and rubbed Aly’s hair again as if that would make any of this better, “then started to choke her to death. Luckily, her parents walked in, called an ambulance, and became obsessive Christians. It’s how her whole fucked up life got started.”
I looked up at my parents, who looked downright horrified. Even Dad looked pained.
“Anyway, then she found out her dad killed himself and then that fucker Ryan made Aly say she loved me, which in the context was just downright humiliating for her. Aly’s shy about that shit. Then…” I clenched my fists and took a few deep breaths, “he tried to have Brandon rape her.”
Mom gasped, and Dad looked down and shook his head.
“It didn’t happen, though,” I quickly added. “Aly, well yeah, she almost shot him, which brings us back around to the her not being okay thing.”
All three of us just looked at Aly, who flinched a bit, but I put my hand on her head to relax her. She seemed to calm every time I touched her, so I continued to do it.
There was a moment of silence, and then Dad stood up and kissed Mom’s head. He put a firm hand on my thigh and squeezed before walking out.
“What? Where is he going?”
“We should talk,” Mom said, nervously twiddling her thumbs.
“Uh, okay,” I said, sitting up straighter.
“Look, I know this may not be the best time,” she said, looking at Aly, “but I wanted to do this now while you are here in town and I have the courage to talk. Your father offered to have this talk with you, and then we thought about doing it the three of us, but…. we have never been close and I wanted a chance to talk about that with you. Alone.” I felt a weird mixture of curiosity and heartache hit me square in the chest. I wanted to have a heart to heart with her and tell her to shut up all at the same time. “Axel, I love you. More than life itself. I always have. You know your father does, but I am also aware and understanding of why you left. Why you felt abandoned by us.” I sa
id nothing. “We weren’t there for you. Not when you were a child and confused about the anger you felt inside. Not when you went to juvie, and not when you found out about Sarah.” We both looked at the ground. “I want to explain. Nothing will justify the choices as I’ve made as a parent, but I’m hoping to show you where my head was at.”
I moved my hands from Aly’s hair and crossed my arms over my chest. “Go on, then.”
Mom bit her lip and started picking at her nails. “As a kid, Axel, you were so intense. Before you were born, your father and I lived a quiet life. We went to church, cooked dinner, and went to bed at9PM every night. Then you were born. We were so thrilled, but as time went on, your anger became more and more apparent. We didn’t know how to help you. We wondered what we were doing wrong. You wouldn’t take meds, and at the time, it was all we knew of that could help you. In our minds, we were there for you. Honestly. It wasn’t until Aly came into the picture that we realized that we didn’t fight hard enough for you. As for juvie, that was my fault. One hundred percent mine. Not your father’s. He tried to convince me to visit, but I thought…I thought you needed time. I thought maybe being alone in juvie would help with your anger or help you make better decisions in the future.”
“I have an anger disorder!” I shouted. “You were the one who made me got get that stupid diagnosis! I was alone!”
At the sudden change in volume and tone of my voice, Aly jumped in her sleep and started to shake. My heart ripped a little, and I quickly placed my hand on her head protectively. She relaxed almost instantly. It almost made me smile because if she knew she did this, she would be mortified.
“I know,” my mom cried. “I’m so sorry,I wish I could take it all back.Then when you found out about Sarah…” Mom put her face in her hand and sobbed. “I was coward,” she sobbed harder. “I was just a coward, and because of my cowardice, I caused a rift between you and your father… and me and you.”
“Dad should have come to see me regardless of your cowardice,” I said in a low tone so I didn’t startle Aly.
