by Bry Ann
With that, my dad appeared in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. Yeah, apparently, he never planned on going far. So much for talking to me alone. “You are right, son. I should have. The only way I know how to explain what I did is if you saw Aly suffering, you have to admit it’d be hard to do anything else until you knew she was better. That’s how I felt with your mom. I just felt I couldn’t help you emotionally until I helped her. I felt I’d failed you both and in turn … I did.”
My heart froze. I wanted to be angry at these two people who’d caused me so much pain. Who made me feel so alone as a kid. However, staring at their broken, guilt-ridden faces, I just couldn’t. They knew they fucked up and the bottom line was they still loved me…and I’d fucked up too. I looked down at the blonde girl in my lap who I knew wouldn’t even give a second thought to forgiving them if they’d done the same to her. In fact, I could bet that if her dad had come to her and apologized versus killing himself, she would have forgiven him and put in the work to mend their relationship, despite all his abuse.
“Let’s move forward?” I offered. It was all I could think of to say to let them know I forgave them, but I didn’t want to talk about it further. It was too painful.
Mom gave me a teary smile. “Is there anything we can help you with? Either of you,” she said, making a pointed gesture towards Aly.
“Yeah, actually, there is. She needs help with her faith. Can y’all take her to church, introduce her to the pastor, and read her Bible verses? Not the ones where God is all angry and shit. She needs her faith back. I think she feels empty without it.”
Dad smiled at my lack of understanding of the Christian faith but nodded. “Of course we will help. You just let us know when and where.”
Both of my parents got up to leave, but when they hit the doorway, I stopped them.
“Guys, you all are great parents. Thanks for always having my back.”
Mom teared up, and Dad gave a proud, firm nod. I was pretty damn lucky to have the two of them, despite their flaws.
“You’re welcome; now take care of her,” he said, pointing to Aly. “She brings out the best in you.”
With that, they both left, and I laid my head back on the pillow. I survived. She survived. We survived. Now it was time for a fucking plan.
Epilogue
Epiloque
Aly and I stayed in my dumbass hometown for three more weeks. We talked with Ginger about our future plans. Ginger was always good at sorting shit out. I knew I wanted to start a boxing gym where people could really fight; a place for darker folk like me to deal with their shit without getting into legal trouble.
I could start the gym anywhere, so the next part of the plan was to talk about what Aly wanted. Finding out what she wanted for her life was like pulling teeth. Literally, I would have rather pulled teeth. She had it drilled in her head her whole life that all she was good for was getting married and having kids. I know I lost my temper with her several times when trying to help her make a plan, but sometimes that was the only way she would respond to me. She had the hardest fucking head; sometimes it just took me proving that mine would always be harder for her to talk and be open with me.
After lots of discussions, Aly finally admitted she had always wanted to go to college and become a social worker. I supported her choice, loved it even. She’d be great at that. She had a heart of gold and was definitely destined to help people in some way. She told me she didn’t have the money and made all these excuses out of fear, but I told her about scholarships, financial aid, and the fact that I would be more than willing to help her out. I took care of the people I loved. It was the best part of having money from a pro-boxing career and sponsorships. I helped my parents pay their bills, paid off Ginger’s farm for her, and now I could help Aly with college. Best fucking money spent ever.
The next thing we had to decide on was a location to move to. Seattle came up, but there was no way in hell we were going back there. Too many memories. We tossed around a few places and came up short until I mentioned LA in passing. The second I bought it up, Aly lit up. She told me how fascinated had always been with LA and was in love with the big city and bright lights. I liked it too because Mac was already down there. He could help me start my gym. We took a road trip down there and immediately knew that was the place for us. Plus, it put us relatively close to Ginger and my parents.
When we got down there, Aly and I rented a two-bedroom apartment. I would have gotten a one-bedroom, but Aly was slowly coming to terms with her faith again, and she believed in waiting until marriage, so because I loved her, I agreed to it as well. Aly started seeing a Christian therapist specializing in PTSD in LA. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the therapist being Christian only because Aly didn’t need another person making her feel guilty or putting pressure on her, but Aly was sure it was the right choice for her and when her mind was made up it was not fucking deterred.
I struggled with anger months after the incident with Ryan. I punched a few walls, broke my hand twice, and destroyed my room once. Aly had to take me to the hospital both times for my hand, and luckily, with the incident in my room, she walked in when I was destroying the room and threw the book at me to get me out of my fit of rage. It made me laugh, and I snapped out of it enough to calm down. Thinking of Ryan and Brandon made my blood boil, so as a family, we all agreed that no one would tell me anything about their trial unless one of them was getting out. The constant anger I used to feel had died down a lot since settling down with Aly. I no longer felt like I was constantly on the verge of destruction. My blood no longer felt red hot.
I saw a psychiatrist again to get an official diagnosis, one I would listen to this time. I got the same diagnosis I had when I was a teen. I was still against medication, but I did my research and explained the condition to Aly. It helped both of us understand why I was the way I was, and it was good for our relationship. I never lost it with Aly anymore. I could handle my anger enough to control myself around her. There were very few situations that triggered the out-of-control rage I used to feel. The anger would always be there, but it no longer controlled me.
The second I got to LA, I called Mac and told him my idea for a gym. He said he’d be in. In fact, he sounded downright excited about the idea, which made me fucking happy. I bought a spot in an inconspicuous, trashy part of town and began fixing it up. I set vague rules to ensure people’s safety without stifling them and took it from there. Mac signed up first. He introduced me to a few friends, and I met a few people along the way. I didn’t involve Aly in any of it because, first, I knew she wouldn’t like or agree to the violence, and two, I didn’t want her around these people until I trusted them. She was the good in my world, and no one was going to fuck with her again.
The gym became my getaway, my built-in anger management. I started growing to like the fuckers who came in there. I expected their respect, and I fucking made sure I got it. My reputation as a pro boxer helped and the fact that I could kick most everyone’s ass in there definitely helped. These people didn’t care about status and all that shit; what they cared about was getting their faces pounded in and their egos bruised. They were all as dark and as twisted as I was, some a lot worse. There was this new guy who started coming in, Nate. Let’s just say I’d never seen anyone fight like him. Luckily, Nate respected me because the dude scared the shit out of me. If we got in a real fight, the guy would kick my ass in a heartbeat.
The only thing left to do was to put a ring on Aly’s finger, and I had every intention of making that happen…. soon.
Moving to LA with X was the craziest thing I’d ever done in my life, but no part of me regretted it. Saying goodbye to his parents and Ginger was so hard. I cried a lot and that only made X laugh. Something I would never understand was how he could be so caring and protective while simultaneously being such a generallynon-emotional person. You had to be able to read him to know he cared about you because he was not someone to show it often. I promised Ginger and his parent
s that we would be back soon. X nodded behind me, affirming that we would. I grew so much in that town.
For X, though, that town would always harbor horrible memories, and in many ways, it would for me too. But I also discovered how kind and loving people could be there. I wasn’t okay by any means after everything that happened, but slowly and surely, I was feeling more like myself. Two months after being in LA, X and I took a trip to visit my sister. It wasn’t something either of us thought needed to happen more than once, but X felt I needed to face reality, face what happened to move forward.
Seeing my sister helped. She looked evil, dead inside. For some reason, seeing her took back some of the power she’d held over me all these years. That, combined with the fact that Ryan and Brandon got life sentences and I was in intensive therapy. I was well on my way to healing.
“Aly,” X called from his room across the hallway.
“Yeah! What’s up?”
Then he appeared in my doorway, shirtless. That always made my stomach leap. X had perfectly sculpted abs, tattoos that I still hadn’t asked him about, and perfectly tan skin to match his black hair and eyes. I tried to look straight in his eyes, but I always turned so red that I could see amusement flickering in his gaze whenever I did. He walked up to me and ran his hand along the scar on my arm. He did that a lot. It was like he purposely tried to torture himself.
“You doing anything today?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I don’t have class, but I have this Bible study thing I usually go to, I’m supposed to meet with Karen (my therapist), and I have a shift at the music store today. Why?”
On top of classes, I worked part time at a music store. X told me I didn’t have to work, but I wanted to. I was always told to be one hundred percent dependent on a man financially, and that was never me. I wanted my own money, and even though X was perfectly happy to support me, I knew he respected the fact that I wanted to do things on my own.
“I already canceled your therapy appointment and got you off work, so I’ll just need you to tell the ladies you can’t make it to Bible study today.”
“What? Why? You can’t just switch around my plans!”
He smiled. “Do you have to fight with me on everything, girl?” He stepped closer and kissed my head. “Just trust me. We are taking a road trip.”
“Fine,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “But you are crazy… and bossy!” I called as he laughed his way out of my room. And put your shirt on.
I grabbed a pink t-shirt, white necklace, a pair of dark jeans, and sneakers. Then I went into the living room, grabbed a bagel, and called for X.
“You ready?”
“Yeah,” he said.
He walked out of his room and into the living room. As always, my heart fluttered when I saw him dressed in his red and black outfit. He must have known what was going through my mind because the minute he saw me, he laughed.
“What?” I said through the half a bagel I had stuffed in my mouth.
He walked over and kissed my head, amused. “I just love you.”
“That’s not why you’re laughing, though,” I practically shouted as he ushered us out the door.
“You’re one of a kind. That’s all. I promise I’m not laughing at you. It’s more like a‘my life turned out so fucking great’ laugh.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said as we climbed into his car. “Where are we going?”
He smirked. “You’ll see. We are going on a road trip.”
I threw him a look, but he ignored me and kept driving. I pestered him for literally four hours before I fell asleep. When I was falling in and out of consciousness, the last thing I remember him saying was “Go the fuck to sleep, girl. You’re bugging the shit out of me.” Always the romantic.
A few hours later, I felt someone pushing on my arm.
“Aly, we’re here. Come on, get up.”
“Where are we?” I mumbled, still half asleep.
“You’ll know as soon as you get out of the car.”
The minute he said that, I already knew. I quickly unfastened my seatbelt and bolted out of the car. The minute I was out, I recognized where we were, and I threw X an excited look. I turned to my left, and in the doorway of the shop, I saw Ginger leaning in the doorway casually with her cowgirl attire.
“Ginger!” I yelled, running across the dirt parking lot.
“Hi, Aly.” She laughed, giving me something that barely qualified as a hug. Then she looked over my shoulder like she always did, looking for her boy. Ginger liked me, but X was her family. She adored him, and I completely got it. When I pulled away, I saw X smile at her and give her a nod. That was about as affectionate as he got with people other than me.
“What are we doing here?” I said, looking back and forth between X and Ginger.
Ginger shot X a look, and then X put his hand on my lower back.
“You’ve been working so hard, and going to school, and whatever other shit you are up to, I thought you could use a ride.”
“Really?” I said, looking up at him in surprise. “That was so thoughtful.”
X frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “What the hell is that face for?”
“Well, I mean, you are kind, caring, protective… but being able to plan out stuff like this? You’re not typically a planner when it comes to dates,” I said, shooting him a guilty look. The minute the words were out of my mouth, Ginger let out a loud snort.
“I always forget how much I like this little girl, Axel,” she said with a laugh. “Always calling you out on your bullshit.”
“I don’t know,” X said, crossing his arms over his chest smugly. “I’d say our first date was pretty great.”
“I cried my eyes out.”
“Yeah, well that had to happen, but the date was great.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Okay, fine. I stand corrected. You are good at everything. Better?”
“Much,” he said with a mischievous glint in his eye. Then X turned to Ginger. “Cool if we take Panter?”
“Sure, go on. You two know what you are doing. I’ll have lunch for you guys when you get back.”
X nodded, patted her on the back, and then took my hand and led us over to the stables. Once we were back there, I went over and rubbed Panter’s nose while X said hello to the other horses. Once we’d both had our fill of greeting and petting the horses, I grabbed Panter and led him out to the beginning of the trail. X grabbed the stool, and I used it to swing my leg over and climb on the saddle. X climbed on after me and grabbed the reins. My heart pounded in my chest just like it always did when he was near me. He kissed the back of my head and clicked the reins. Panter took off in a trot and X and I made small talk along the way.
He asked me about school and work and church; we left out the heavy therapy talk, thank goodness. He asked about that enough as it was. Then I asked him how his gym was going. X was always cagey with the details about his gym. I’m not a dumb girl; I knew it was because it was probably in a bad area and had a lot of rough characters. Not to mention I’d seen X in his element when he was a pro-boxer; he was different. More violent and aggressive. I think he liked keeping me away from all that and he knew I wouldn’t like it, so I chose to trust him and let him be cagey...for now.
One thing that was clear was how much this gym meant to him. It was his baby, his brainchild. He cared about the people who went there. I had noticed his anger had decreased dramatically since starting it. He no longer carried around that heaviness I was used to seeing him carry. He took time for himself, time to relax, and rarely had fits of rage anymore. It helped him to be around people who knew what it was like to be chronically pissed off.
A few minutes later, we arrived at the creek. X got off first and then extended his hand and helped me off. We walked down to the creek and both sat by the water with our hands on our knees. I let my mind drift to the first time we came here, and I smiled to myself. I was lost in thought when X’s voice interrupted me.
“Y
a know, when I first met you, youreally woke me up?” X said casually. My head whipped around to face him. X never spoke like this.
“What?”
“Yeah, you were this tiny little thing carrying a giant bag and reading your boarding instructions way too closely. For the first time since I went to juvie, I gave a shit about someone other than myself.”
“You helped me out that day,” I said with a smile. “I was really scared. Not to mention, you saved my purse.”
“Oh yeah, I did.” He laughed. “Saving purses wasn’t really in my personality spectrum, girl. I just remember you getting knocked on your ass and me being like ‘fuck, I’m gonna feel like shit if I don’t do anything.’ I was fucking confused as shit.”
“Well, thank God for your conscience.” I laughed.
“Then you didn’t text me, and I thought you were dead, and I felt, I don’t know, like guilt or something.”
“Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine,” X said with a shrug. “I was a dumb dick when I didn’t come after you when you left the boxing ring that day.”
“X, I…” I tried to interrupt, to tell him it was okay, but he held his hand up to stop me.
“Let’s not get into it. I should have come after you, bottom line. You knew you didn’t belong there and took care of yourself. That’s respectable. I knew I liked you and I shouldn’t have been such a fucking coward and came after you, but I didn’t.” Then he jokingly punched my arm. “Anyway, I’m skipping over the shitty parts because I’m determined not to make you cry this time. Do you want to know when I was one hundred percent sure I had fallen in love with you?”
My eyes widened. Why was he telling me all this? I dumbly nodded in response. He smiled and brushed my hair back.
“Well, I should have known when I was willing to come back to my parents’ house after using drugs and all sorts of other shit to avoid just that, but the moment I knew, truly knew, I was completely and totally in love with you and never wanted to lose you again was when you showed up at the bar to stop me from taking drugs.” I laughed. “I’ve always been the one to fight for people, Aly. Don’t get me wrong, I love that, but no one’s ever really fought for me. My dad did, but even my parents let me off the hook pretty easily when I was an angry asshole. Understandably so, I might add, but it is what it is. Sarah left me, and I don’t blame her in any sense of the word, but she did leave me. Ginger’s always been there for me, but, you know, we’re not family. She couldn’t come after me when I left or got high or whatever. Then you, a four-foot-eleven blonde church girl, showed up at a trashy bar with shaking hands and an outfit I know you hated and fought for me. You fucking forced me to stop. Something no one has ever been able to do. I hated you so much that I knew I loved you if that makes any sense at all?” he said with a laugh.
