by Leila Snow
"Ah, Barric, that time already is it?"
"Tis, and me with a pounding headache from all the ale," the other knight grumbled.
"Ah...mayhap you could give me a few moments and a bit of privacy?" Nathaniel questioned the older man.
"Hmph, have a sweet little piece in there, do you boy?" the knight joked, trying to peer around the corner of the door, which Nate held firmly.
"Come on, Barric. You know a knight never divulges those details," he said good-naturedly. "Go inside, get yourself another ale to cure that headache and give me a few moments, will you?"
"As you wish," the man grumbled as he turned away. "Wish I had the luck with the ladies that you do, boy."
Nathaniel quietly closed the door, lit another candle and set it on the small table next to the pallet where Madeline lay. He stroked her cheek softly and she leaned into his hand instinctively but then pulled abruptly away and stood up. Her body was pale, like precious ivory in the flickering light. He reached a hand to her but she flinched away from his touch.
"Well, thank you for a most educational night, Nate," she spat out as she searched about the floor for her chemise.
"Madeline..." he responded softly. "It's not like that."
"It is though, isn't it?" she questioned, hurt showing in her eyes. "I asked you to show me and you did. You, with all your experience with the ladies."
"Linny," he grasped her arm and turned her to him. He held her face in his hands and tilted it up to his. He could feel the delicate bones under his fingers. "Any other woman could never be anything but a poor substitute for you."
"Oh Nate," she said, melting against him, a deep sorrow unexpectedly washing over her. The strength of these emotions she was experiencing was both new and troubling.
"You must go now." He turned his face aside, sounding choked, his voice raspy. "Barric will be returning forthwith." He thrust her from himself and moved to open the door.
She paused on the threshold but Nathaniel stood silent and still, and not knowing what to say to him, she moved out into the dawn of her wedding day.
I slept, and dreamed
that life was beauty;
I woke,
and found that life was duty.
Was thy dream then a shadowy lie?
~Louisa May Alcott
CHAPTER 7
Nathaniel pounded his fist into the wall, a heart-rending moan clawing its way up his throat. For a moment, he had almost begged her to stay with him. For a moment, he had almost believed it was possible. But he was foolish and if he had thought one night with her would be enough, he was only deceiving himself. A night with Madeline had seared her onto his heart, a brand never to be removed. Blood dripped from the split skin of his knuckles but he scarcely noticed, the depth of pain in his soul so much greater. He could barely move to don his clothing and tuck the precious pendant safely within, then made his way mechanically to the stables where he would hopefully be alone with his misery.
Madeline crept silently along the parapet in the grey of the pre-dawn light. She didn't stop moving or allow herself to think until she had closed the door to her bedchamber firmly behind her. With a guttural sob she sank to the stone floor. Forcing herself to leave Nate without begging him to take her away with him, somewhere, anywhere, took almost more willpower than she was able to muster. But walk away she had. She was foolish if she thought she could escape her responsibilities and burdens that easily. Nate would always be her truest friend and first lover, but their paths were destined to separate. Although how she would bear it, she knew not.
She lay on the cold stone floor for more than an hour until her nurse tried to push in. Finding the door immovable, Nursey put her shoulder to it and pushed harder until Madeline crawled out of the way, her joints frozen with cold and her own grief.
Catching a look at Madeline's puffy face, Nursey began to scold, "My heavens girl! What you doing curled up on the floor? You'll catch your death.”
Nursey had been given charge of her since the day of her birth and Madeline had always born her bossiness good-naturedly, but no longer. Madeline turned a frigid eye on the woman and drew herself upright, straight and tall, squaring her shoulders.
"If you cannot go about preparing me for my wedding without harping at me, then I will call one of the maids," she demanded pointedly. "I will stand for it no longer. Not today. Am I clear?"
Her nurse gaped at the transformed woman standing before her. No longer a little girl or young lady but suddenly a woman, with a vein of ice and determination running through her.
"Yes, my Lady," she bobbed, awed by the unexplained metamorphosis of her charge.
"Good. Please order a bath for me."
"There's no time, my Lady. The wedding..."
Her nurse froze as Madeline turned her hard gaze on the woman. "A bath, Nursey."
A few short minutes later, the maids trouped in with buckets of steaming water. Her nurse followed behind, rushing them along. Madeline prayed a bath would give her the necessary moments to gather her thoughts, and herself, in preparation for the wedding. She clutched at the post of her large canopied bed to steady herself. She would need all her courage and determination to endure this day. She prayed tomorrow would be easier. She would start a new life in her new home, away from all that was familiar. Madeline would force herself to forget Nate. She would cast aside the memories of what was, soon to be, her old life. For if she did not, she knew she could never withstand the agony that gnawed in her chest.
The tub full, she dismissed the maids and instructed Nursey to pour a little of her precious lavender perfume into the water. Waving the nurse out as well, she divested herself of the white chemise. Streaks of blood stained her inner thighs, and her breath caught as she touched her fingers to the dried evidence of what she had given away. She carefully folded the garment, holding it to her face to breathe in the remnants of Nate's scent, and then placed it gently at the bottom of a wooden chest to take with her. The warm water lured her to the tub and she sighed as the heat soothed her tense muscles and washed away the tears she found coursing down her cheeks. She was tender between her legs but she forced herself not to relive those precious stolen moments. It had been the sweetest, most loving gift Nate could have given her; to understand what making love truly could be. It was also a curse. She knew now what she would be missing. Chin up, she berated herself. Many a good marriage was formed under similar circumstances. It may not be a grand passion but surely she and the earl could be fond of each other at the very least.
* * *
"You'll brush the hide off the poor horse, if'n you keep on like that."
Nate vaguely heard the voice from behind him as he vigorously ran the brush over the gelding's side. The horse was already gleaming but Nate had to keep his hands busy and his mind off Madeline. He felt the most comfortable and at peace in the stables. Always had. The soft nicker of the horses calling to each other and the sweet smell of sun-ripened hay was normally soothing to his soul. Today, nothing soothed him. Today was Madeline's wedding day and the day he would say farewell to her. Perhaps forever.
"Mayhap you're a bit uptight at the thought of Madeline leaving, eh boy? Been close as brother and sister since the cradle."
Recognizing Lord John's voice, Nathaniel turned, his legs like lead and his head feeling foggy and clouded with sheep's wool.
"My apologies, Lord John. I didn't see you there," he forced himself to reply.
"No insult made," Lord John offered magnanimously. "Nothing can upset me today. I've finally managed to get my daughter married off and to an earl, no less. I've done well by her, haven't I?"
Nate nodded his head miserably. "Yes, my Lord."
"Which brings me to the reason why I have sought you out. I have contemplated what to offer Lady Madeline as a wedding gift. Lord Endle is magnificently wealthy and she won't lack for anything, so although we have packed trunks with silks and all the fripperies women love, I intend to give her something more meaningful. S
he is my only daughter after all. And considering her safety is my paramount concern, I have decided to gift her with three knights to make up her personal guard. Loyal only to her and never to anyone else."
Nathaniel couldn't bring himself to believe what the man was suggesting such was his shock and surprise.
"Ah, I see you begin to comprehend my intentions." The older man smiled, his arms coming round to rest his hands on the barrel of his chest, whilst rocking forward on his toes. "I intend to send you with them. You will be head of her personal guard. No one else can be trusted to have her best interests in mind."
Nate's guilt sat like a stone in his throat. If the man only knew how he had betrayed him and his daughter, allowing his own selfish desires to consume him and take what didn't belong to him. If Lord John knew, he would have good cause to have Nate tortured and killed. Slowly.
Still dumbstruck, he nodded in the direction of Madeline's father.
Lord John chuckled at what he assumed to be a pleasant surprise for Nathaniel.
"I'd like you to pick two other knights to accompany you. You will know best who can be trusted. Your support will come from me, so your loyalties will not be divided. Am I clear?
Finding his tongue, he agreed with his lord. "You have my word," he swore.
"I have no doubt, boy, no doubt at all. You will be ready to leave with the wedding procession after the breakfast feast. I give you leave to miss the wedding and celebrations in order to prepare."
Nathaniel supposed he should be thankful for small mercies. Lost in thought and no small amount of panic, he didn't notice when Lord John left the stable.
Fate had punished him for his selfishness. Perhaps he could have born to lose Madeline? Perhaps. But to be forced to watch as she lived as another man's wife? It was a harsh price to pay.
* * *
The wedding dress she had spent so many hours hunched over, had turned out beautifully despite Madeline's lack of skill with a needle. It was in a shimmering indigo jewel tone, blue being the colour of purity. The insides of the long, hanging sleeves and the underskirt was embroidered with gold thread in an intricate leaf pattern. The edges of the sleeves, overdress and square bodice were heavily embroidered in the same gold thread with pearls sewn into the embroidery and sweeping down to emphasize her décolletage. The midsection was fitted, the same pearls sewn into a V to accentuate her slender waist.
Madeline was indifferent to the dress. The blue mocked her lack of purity this morning, though she found she couldn't regret her decision.
She sat still and quiet as nurse plaited the sides of her hair and wound them at the back of her head. As this was her wedding day the remainder of her auburn hair was allowed to flow freely in waves down her back to her waist. This was the last day she would wear her hair unbound. No more for her the wild ways of her childhood, with loose flowing hair and wild rides through the countryside. She was a soon-to-be married woman and having her hair unbound and uncovered would be unacceptable, except in the privacy of the bedchamber. She cringed at the thought. Nursey reverently fastened the lace veil over her shining hair and stood back, her hands folded in front of her, and admired her handiwork.
Madeline was surprised to see the old woman's eyes well up as she gazed at her.
"Oh, Nursey," she breathed, the magnitude of this day's events becoming ever more real. "I will miss you."
She watched the nurse swallow with effort. "I have raised you from a babe, sweet girl. I'll be hard-pressed to know what to do with myself now."
"It's not too late to come along," Madeline entreated, not willing to say goodbye to the familiar face.
Nursey shook her head of grey hair. "Nay, my Lady. You are a grand lady now. No longer a child. Time for you to have a proper maidservant to care for you, not an old lady. Besides, I have never lived anywhere but here at Alwinsopp. I cannot be asked to change my ways now."
"I will come to visit," Madeline assured her.
"Aye, Marbourne is not so far," Nursey agreed briskly. "Now, we must get you to the chapel. It is already past time."
Madeline, caught unawares by an unexpected rush of emotion for the woman, stood and threw her arms around her. Nursey remained stock still for a brief moment and Madeline thought she heard a sniffle before the woman's arms came up to embrace her in return. They stood there for a few short moments. Nursey finally sniffled some more and then giving Madeline a squeeze, released her and moved towards the door.
"Now, my Lady, to your wedding."
* * *
Another day of blue skies greeted Madeline as she stepped out of the keep. Her mother was pacing anxiously in the courtyard, the skirt of her dress brushing the flagstones beneath her as she stepped. Her father's steward, chamberlain, bailiff, and the local reeve were nearby talking amongst themselves, attired in their finest for such an important day. A short ways off stood a cluster of brightly clothed minstrels who would lead the procession to the church. Her father stood at the base of the stone steps looking happier and more carefree than she had seen him in years.
"Ah! The beautiful bride approaches," he grinned up at her and held out his hands as she descended. "You look ravishing, my girl."
"Thank you, Papa," she forced a smile as she took his hands.
"I feel today, that I have done well by you," his eyes crinkled. "Lord Endle is a good and important man. As his wife you will be protected."
She nodded, unable to produce words.
"We are late," her mother grated out impatiently as she approached them. "I for one, will only rest once she is indeed fully wed."
"I will miss you, Mother," Madeline responded softly. "Will you not miss me at all?"
The woman huffed and turned her face away. "We must get to the chapel before Lord Endle changes his mind."
Madeline blinked past the moisture in her eyes. She would have thought by now she was immune to any pain her mother's unfeeling words could cause, but on her wedding day it seemed especially harsh.
"I will miss you," her father returned. "The castle will be dull without your life and light," he said squeezing her hands.
"Oh Papa," she sighed, trying not to let the tears spill.
"Now, none of that. Today is a happy day," he said brightly. "And your mother is right, we must get you to the chapel."
Madeline allowed him to tuck her hand into the crook of his arm. He nodded to the minstrels who struck up a merry tune and followed by the steward, chamberlain, bailiff, and reeve, he lead her and her mother across the flagstones to the outer bailey. The chapel was only a few short steps away. Looking up she stumbled as she passed beneath the very guard tower upon which door she had so recently knocked.
And all around me
the cold night grows still.
The star in the window
shines clearly-
Where is your blond hair,
Where your sweet mouth?
~Hermann Hesse
CHAPTER 8
The chapel had been built almost two hundred years previously. It was the only structure in the castle that hadn't seen much change since that time. Made of hand-hewn stone, it listed distinctly to the left and the roofline resembled the back of a peasant's old workhorse. Generations of Madeline's forebearers were buried in the crypt beneath. Saddened, Madeline realised that there was little chance now that she'd end up entombed with her ancestors at the end of her days.
A great crowd milled about outside the old church. Lord Endle wasn't visible through the throng but she had no doubt he was present. His knights and retainers, as well as her father's, could be seen amongst the peasants who had gathered to watch the spectacle of her marriage. The people parted in unison as the bridal procession approached. Her path lay unimpeded to the doorway of the chapel, her groom, and a life away from Alwinsopp and everything she loved.
Madeline's knees quaked. She could feel the clamminess of her palms as she fought her rising panic and the desperate desire to run. With her eyes modestly lowered, she leaned on he
r father and allowed him to lead her up the steps to the closed door of the chapel. She glanced up at him in supplication as he extricated her hand from his elbow and lifted it to his lips.
"I wish you every happiness," he murmured quietly before backing away and leaving her standing to the left of the chapel door.
"You do the sun an injustice, my dear." She vaguely heard her betrothed's compliment through the rushing in her ears.
Frantically, she turned her head looking for Nathaniel, desperate for his steadiness and support. Though her eyes roamed the throng, his familiar face was not to be seen. In her foolishness last night, she had lost the friendship of the one person who meant the most to her. Her misery complete, she returned her attention to the old priest who was clearing his throat and stood silhouetted against the ornate chapel door.
"Beloved, we are gathered here, at this time and on this day, which has been appointed for the solemnization of..." Madeline tuned out the priest's monotone recitation of the fundamentals of marriage and stood staring at the stone threshold, lost in her own thoughts.
As quickly as her mind had begun to numb, Madeline was startled back to reality when she felt her betrothed's hand come to rest on top of her own. She turned her eyes up to meet Lord Endle's concerned gaze. The discernible compassion etched across his brow renewed her courage, and she found reassurance in the warmth of his hand.
He continued to hold her hands comfortingly through the priest's liturgy although she felt him tense when the priest asked if anyone knew of a reason why they should not be wed. Madeline's heart sank when no one spoke out and the priest continued reciting the provisions of the marriage arrangement and the dowry.
